posted
Just to preface this, last night my friend was like - so where did you go? And then jokingly said - I want a full report on my desk by tomorrow morning. It somehow inspired me to write the thing below.
Where I Was Version 1.1
It has come to my attention that I was not in my apartment today between the hours of…well, hours perhaps is not the best word, more like…minutes. Minutes! Yes that is the genius word. Between the minutes of 10:01pm and 10:34pm. What has also come to my attention is that between these said minutes there is a desire, nay, a want. NAY a Need! To know where I was. That is why I have made the following report.
10:01pm – Commenced not being at laptop 10:34pm – Joined my laptop once again
Hopefully, the above report will be ample satiation for the need to know where I was between said hou…minutes.
Where I Was Version 1.2
The above report has been rejected as incomplete. “How is that an accounting of where you were if all it says in when you left and came back!” That is why I have edited and submit the following report, for the purpose of satiation.
10:01pm – Commenced not being at laptop 10:05pm – Was away from laptop 10:17pm – Still away from laptop 10:34pm – Joined my laptop once again
I submit this report with the hopes that it will perhaps be satisfactory, and cannot forsee any possibility of it not being so for I have accounted for all the time while I was gone. El fin.
Where I Was Version 1.3
I have once again been rejected in my report. “It only talks about where you weren’t!” they yell. Well who wants a report entitled “Where I Was” that actually says that! That is so dull and boring, but if that is what is really wanted, why wouldn’t it just say so in the first place! Gah people and their demands!
Where I Wasn’t Version 2.1
My boss said that version 1.3 doesn’t even count as a report and so he demoted it to version 0.0. I still respectfully will refer to it as Version 1.3, though perhaps to avoid confusion as to what my boss calls it I should call it Version 10.30. But my boss shouldn’t win so we’ll just call it Version Awesome. And now that Version Awesome has been demoted and been called Version Sucks by my boss, commence Version 2.1
10:01pm – I left my freakin’ laptop 10:02pm – Took brownies out of the oven (none of which will be given to my boss) 10:03pm – Ran my finger under cold water, trying to alleviate the burn caused by the faulty hot pad in the kitchen – there must be someone I can sue 10:04pm – Searched for a knife. You would think it would be easy to find in a silverware drawer, but no – the infestation of the forks. The forks take over the whole drawer, making it appear as if there are no knives, but I overcame and got that bloody knife! (There was no blood on the knife.) 10:05pm Cut Brownies 10:06pm – Gallavanted down the hall with a plate of brownies. OH no I omitted the part where I put the brownies on a plate. What will happen. I hope I don’t die. I might have to remake a whole new version! Please no! I am sure it would kill me! Please don’t let me die! Maybe I never really put them on a plate. You can’t tell me that I did. Maybe I went gallivanting with them still in the pan! Did you ever think about that? No! Of course you didn’t sitting in your cushy chair with the nice A/C and the good day job. All you ever think about is the almighty dollar. Well it’s time to stick it to the man! I went gallivanting with the brownies in a pan I say! IN A PAN! 10:07pm – I walked into apartment 118 to hear the harp being played. “Oh L is playing. How nice” I thought to myself. But then I was surprised when I went around the corner and there playing the harp was none other than my dear beloved roommate! The wonders of the world never cease. 10:08pm – I realized that my roommate was Carolyn. 10:09pm – I went to Kira’s room to see if she was there and could offer her some brownines, but she was gone so I began a hunt for the paper towels. 10:10pm – The hunt for paper towels ended in defeat. The paper towels could not keep themselves from me. I tore one off and placed two brownies upon it and then proceeded to take it to the dresser in Kira’s room. It was dark and scary. 10:11pm – I had to go back into the dark and scary room to show KayCee where to place the note that she had written for Kira. I hope it wasn’t a ransom note. 10:12pm – I went and sat on the couch, and proceeded to watch KayCee blush. (Now it must be noted here that the word blush is being used in a figurative sense. KayCee is white as a ghost and always will be. I use blush as an shorter term that describes the little giggles and smiles of someone who is clearly a smitten kitten. [Note: Kitten is being used in a figurative sense. No kittens were harmed in the making of this report.]) 10:13pm – Continued to watch the kitten purr. 10:14pm – This is when I began eating brownies, after which I realized that I really wanted milk. Milk and brownies are absolutely divine together. Especially if you are lactose intolerant. 10:15pm – I asked L if she had milk. Now as it was nearing the end of this minute that the actual request was made. It will have to spill over into the next minute. 10:16pm – “…milk?” L said that she did and asked me if I wanted some, got me a glass and brought me some. At this point, my roommate (who was still Carolyn) left to go get milk. 10:17pm – Carolyn came back with milk. 10:18pm – Carolyn drank her milk. I watched. L played the harp. KayCee hugged a pillow. 10:19pm – Carolyn drank more milk. I continued to watch. L continued to play the harp. KayCee continued to hug a pillow. 10:20pm – Carolyn became a milk-a-holic. I became tired of watching. L became a professional harpist. KayCee a pro-pillow hugger? 10:21pm – Carolyn put a lid on the milk. I closed my eyes. L still played the harp, but played a new song. KayCee threw the pillow. 10:22pm – Carolyn and L began discussing etudes, how they never liked the practice them, etc. etc. KayCee grinned. I asked her, “What?” “Nothing.” Blush. 10:23pm – Carolyn discussed tick marks. “I really did practice, I just never wrote it down.” A likely story. I contemplated the likeliness of the story. 10:24pm – I decided it was not a likely story. 10:25pm – KayCee and I started to die of curiosity. What is an etude? We asked and asked, and the answer was given, but now that I am writing this report I have no idea what the answer is and no way to ascertain it! There must be someone I can sue. 10:26pm – I inspected the bookshelf. You see some time ago I was looking for a hymnbook and could not find one. This is mainly odd because we used to have 3-4 hymnbooks on our shelves, and I mean English ones. I have a Korean one and a Spanish one still there, but the English ones have mysteriously gone missing. Or so a mystery it seemed. Until I remembered that we had taken them to a certain Relief Society meeting. More like relieve you of your hymnbooks! For I remember going there with three hymnbooks, but I do not remember coming back with three hymbooks! And it is absolutely ludicrous that you say that my memory is failing me! It is not my memory, I am sure that just sitting upon that shelf are three of my hymnbooks! 10:27pm – There were no hymnbooks on the shelf. 10:28pm – Upon closer inspection of the bookshelves I found no hymnbooks. But I did find a DVD of Sweet Home Alabama, and of some Pioneer Movie. And then some intensely boring looking books. 10:29pm – I sat back down on the couch. I stood up. I looked for the glass and took it over to the sink. 10:30pm – There is a wonderful thing called a sink. They have running water that come to them, and water will cascade out of them at any moment. This was such a moment. I lifted up the faucet and water poured down into the glass, purging it of the milk tricked on the bottom of the glass. The glass then became empty except for a few drops of water, which somehow added to the effect. 10:31pm – I announced my departure. “Where are you going?” “Home.” 10:32pm – I walked down the hall and noticed which of our lights were on. I won’t bore you with the details. 10:33pm – I opened the door and went inside, and cavorted back to my room. 10:34pm – I returned to my laptop.
I hope that the above version has been sufficiently detailed to sate any desire, want, or need.
Version 2.2
Ok so my boss say that he couldn’t get through the first line of my last version. “How much time do you think I have to read this crap?” he says. Well I’ll show him.
10:01pm – 10:34pm Went out and did stuff
Version Sucks My boss liked last one. I will never understand.
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