FacebookTwitter
Hatrack River Forum   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » boyfriend problems(seriously) (Page 3)

  This topic comprises 6 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6   
Author Topic: boyfriend problems(seriously)
Tinros
Member
Member # 8328

 - posted      Profile for Tinros           Edit/Delete Post 
Listen- my faith in God is what has kept me happy, healthy, and alive for these past 7 years. I won't give that up for anything. My "current religion" is the only thing I've been able to find as logically and spiritually true. Don't tell me to change that.

And really, I have reasons to believe matt is NOT gay OR bi. I won't discuss those here- that's a secret of his that I promised to keep, and I won't betray his trust.

I have to leave for a few hours, but let me end for now with something that I've thought about a lot- "If sin didn't feel good, we wouldn't do it." I'm more concerned with God's long-term plans for my life than anything temporary.

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bob the Lawyer
Member
Member # 3278

 - posted      Profile for Bob the Lawyer   Email Bob the Lawyer         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm just going to quote something twinky said earlier, because I think the perspective is important.

quote:
It really seems to me like you've decided what you want to do and are expecting the people in this thread to advise you to follow that same course. Whenever anyone has suggested you do something else, you've said "you're wrong, trust me," "I don't want to," or that you're doing what you believe god wants/expects.


Sometimes the best thing to do isn't the thing you want to do or even the thing you think you should do.

I think if you're going to start a thread about it, which you have, you should at least give the advice you get some thought rather than just dismissing it.

If you're irritated and frustrated with this thread now, that's cool. I can understand why you would be. I do think that you should come back and reader later when the topic has had time to sit in the back of your mind for a while.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post 
You should be concerned with your long term plans for your life. Not that god can't, or shouldn't, play a big part in them, but it's your life.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CStroman
Member
Member # 6872

 - posted      Profile for CStroman   Email CStroman         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
CStroman? Where did you come from? I haven't seen you post in aaaaaaaaages.
I haven't been posting, just watching from a safe distance.

[Wink]

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Katarain
Member
Member # 6659

 - posted      Profile for Katarain   Email Katarain         Edit/Delete Post 
Aaah. Lurker!

Safe distance? We're dangerous now? Or safe for us? [Smile] 'Cause I seem to remember some controversy with your name all over it. [Smile]

-Katarain

Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sarahdipity
Member
Member # 3254

 - posted      Profile for sarahdipity   Email sarahdipity         Edit/Delete Post 
I have to agree with the going out and having fun(and yes in the nonphysical sense.) And if your friends are doing things you don't approve of then plan things with them that won't allow for that or hang out with different people. Or start some hobby or join a group that will let you learn something or do something you enjoy.

I think my worry is that you sound like you're using him to be strong for you, or at least that's what you're telling yourself. Does it count that you're not doing something because someone else is basically the reason not because you're actually doing it? If you use him as a crutch because you've messed up in the past you'll never know what a strong capable person you are. Christians believe that God's love and forgiveness is endless. Making a mistake and being truly sorry for it is part of living and learning to be a good person/Christian.


Don't let fear stop you from being the person you can become.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Storm Saxon
Member
Member # 3101

 - posted      Profile for Storm Saxon           Edit/Delete Post 
I am confused. Is kissing a sin for Tinros, or not?
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post 
I think so.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
Sounds like she'd like to be kissing Matt, that she doesn't think it's a sin, but she is reluctantly going along with his personal standard on the matter in part because it keeps her from temptaion.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Katarain
Member
Member # 6659

 - posted      Profile for Katarain   Email Katarain         Edit/Delete Post 
I dunno. Maybe it depends on the duration and whether or not there are tongues involved?
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post 
I just laughed out loud at the mental picture of making out with a stopwatch handy.


"Whoa! Nine seconds! NO MORE!"

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CStroman
Member
Member # 6872

 - posted      Profile for CStroman   Email CStroman         Edit/Delete Post 
Katarain, Both.
Posts: 1533 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Storm Saxon
Member
Member # 3101

 - posted      Profile for Storm Saxon           Edit/Delete Post 
I would be interested to know what church/denomination Tinros is involved with.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CStroman
Member
Member # 6872

 - posted      Profile for CStroman   Email CStroman         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Sounds like she'd like to be kissing Matt, that she doesn't think it's a sin, but she is reluctantly going along with his personal standard on the matter in part because it keeps her from temptaion.
Hence why what feels right isn't always what's good for you.

There are not a few 300 lb. plus people here in the US that can testify that although McDonald's may taste good, it's not what's best for you.

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Amanecer
Member
Member # 4068

 - posted      Profile for Amanecer   Email Amanecer         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
No- I had that "physical thing" once before. I made out with my other ex once, and it was the worst experience of my life, that's why I promised never to do it again. I still feel guilty about that- and it was a year and a half ago.
My first experience "making out" sounds similar to yours. I was with somebody I didn't particular know that well. I felt guilty about it for quite a while, and set up lots of little rules about what I was and was not going to do in the future. Then I got into a committed, loving relationship and I learned that my rules were not necessary. The reason why the first experience was bad and caused guilt was because of the relationship and the boy in question, not the activity.

I suggest you reevaluate why you are opposed to kissing or even figure out if that is where you stand. Don't go past your standards, but figure out if they're coming from the right places.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Katarain
Member
Member # 6659

 - posted      Profile for Katarain   Email Katarain         Edit/Delete Post 
I think she's stated as an afterthought that she believes it, too. (re: not kissing) This probably occurred after a conversation with him about it in which his reasons seemed like good reasons to her, so she adopted his beliefs about the issue. I've been guilty of that in the past.

I think there's too much wondering about Matt's sexuality based on his decision to not kiss until he is married. I had a friend who believed the same thing, and he is now happily married. It is possible for a guy to have convictions and live up to them, you know. It's not only women who decide to be abstinent before marriage--and it is NOT impossible for a guy to live up to such convictions.

My husband had convictions of his own and waited for the right girl--Me. He was actually propositioned several times by different women, and said no. I'm sure it wasn't EASY, but he did it anyway. Since he actually lived up to his principles, I'm sure some people questioned his sexuality, thinking he was just hiding in the closet. Well, they were wrong. Very wrong. So nyah. [Smile] So don't be writing this guy off as gay or not interested just because he's trying to live up to his moral code.

-Katarain

Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hamson
Member
Member # 7808

 - posted      Profile for Hamson   Email Hamson         Edit/Delete Post 
I can understand reasons why people are religous, but none of this is logical whatsoever to me.

Could someone please explain to me what it says in the bible, or what some head religious figure says will happen if you obey God, even if you obey things he doesn't say directly? Because if you can't live your life on Earth like you want, always worried about the wrath of God, what makes you so sure that heaven, or your next life is going to be good if God's just going to be ruling over it again? This life is the only one that's 100% proven to exist so far.

I'm sorry if this was terribly offensive, but it's something that I don't understand. It's so far past the logical or emotional reasoning that I base as what you should guide your life by.

This is not to say I don't belive in God. I was born Jewish, and I attended services and hebrew school regularly up until my barmitzvah, and I still attend services on the high holidays. I am not very religious, but I belive in God. I view him as more personal though, like a very powerful friend, that helps other people too. I don't think about God when making decisions though.

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Storm Saxon
Member
Member # 3101

 - posted      Profile for Storm Saxon           Edit/Delete Post 
Hamson, I admire your courage. [Smile]
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Foust
Member
Member # 3043

 - posted      Profile for Foust   Email Foust         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Tinros:
Yes, I feel that way about every other sin in my life. I'm trying my hardest to stop all sin in my life- as is the goal of every true follower of Christ. I made these decisions about dating before I ever had a boyfriend, before I got into high school even. Everything in my life is based on what I think God wants me to do. As for couseling- I've seena psychologist before. It didn't help, and my family doesn't have the money to send me back.

Really? You still feel guilty about other types of sins that you commited a year and a half ago?
Posts: 1515 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sarahdipity
Member
Member # 3254

 - posted      Profile for sarahdipity   Email sarahdipity         Edit/Delete Post 
I think perhaps Hamson's question deserves its own thread and will detract from the point of this thread.
Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Katarain
Member
Member # 6659

 - posted      Profile for Katarain   Email Katarain         Edit/Delete Post 
Well, there's a difference between asking God about every little thing and asking Him to lead in your life. It's about living your life by principles.

For instance... if you're in the cafeteria line, it would be silly to ask God whether or not you should get the pizza or the chicken. If, however, your beliefs include principles of health, you'll strive to pick the most healthy choice. Because you know God wants you to be healthy. Not because he'll smite you down if you pick something unhealthy. Everybody needs some ice cream now and then.

But if you were trying to decide between two job offers, especially if it included moving to one place or another and would affect your family, your education, life, ETC., then you pray for guidance and look for His leading.

Obeying God's leading in your life is about three things---your salvation, your witness to others, and your happiness. He loves us and wants us happy, and that's what his "rules" are all about. It's not about denying and punishment.

-Katarain

Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I'm sure it wasn't EASY, but he did it anyway.
But that's the question isn't it? Just how EASY is it for the guys who make this commitment? If they are very heterosexual, it is probably pretty hard. But if they just don't have strong urges that way, it may be rather easy for them, even seem to be the natural state of things.

It's not wrong to wonder or ask the question. It is something that ought to be addressed.

In my faith, most of the youth are striving to save sex for marriage. But very few of them choose to save kissing for marriage. It is not asked of them, and most prefer to participate in "acceptable" forms of affection. (Hugging and hand holding included.) These youth feel the desire, and do their best to keep the affection within the bounds they believe God has set for them.

So to me, if someone does require that of themselves when their religion does not teach it, I wonder, "Why?" Do they feel particularly weak? Do they not desire it? Or do they feel that it is part of what ought to be reserved?

If she has addressed it to her satisfaction, that is good enough for me.

Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TomDavidson
Member
Member # 124

 - posted      Profile for TomDavidson   Email TomDavidson         Edit/Delete Post 
"If she has addressed it to her satisfaction, that is good enough for me."

I agree.
My concern here is that it sounds like she's experiencing considerable anguish. I don't know her well, so I'm hesitant to be so judgemental -- and slightly ashamed of being as judgemental as I have been, even though I don't think anything I've said is bad advice -- but I can't help but feel like "her satisfaction" would also include, at some point, actual contentment as well.

Tinros does not, from what she's written here, sound content with her situation, and so I find myself questioning her level of satisfaction.

Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ben
Member
Member # 6117

 - posted      Profile for Ben   Email Ben         Edit/Delete Post 
"Sin Boldly." - Martin Luther


just saying...

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
El JT de Spang
Member
Member # 7742

 - posted      Profile for El JT de Spang   Email El JT de Spang         Edit/Delete Post 
I absolutely agree with you, Tom. I really would like it if we can help her find a path to some kind of peace and happiness.

And it wasn't that long ago that I was a miserable seventeen year-old.

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CStroman
Member
Member # 6872

 - posted      Profile for CStroman   Email CStroman         Edit/Delete Post 
Hamson, I think one answer is acting Selfishly or Selflessly.

Surely you do things not only thinking of yourself, but thinking of others also.

And if you do things to "please" others and you know or believe there is a God in heaven or supreme being, why wouldn't you do things or keep in mind when making a decision, the revealed opinion of that God?

Some people act SOLELY on what they believe God wants them to do.

Others act keeping in mind a number of factors, God being a large or small portion of that.

Then there are others still for which there is no God in the equation.

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
He says he loves me- and I know I love him- but he doesn't know "what kind of love" it is. He says that since we've agreed not to kiss anymore(going along with his beliefs), that we're nothing more than friends with a title, that there is no difference.
quote:
He admits that there were a lot of times when he felt he truly loved me(he does little romantic things every once in a while that show that), but he says that most of the time it's not like that.
quote:
I'd rather keep the title in order to stay away from everyone else- and reserve myself for when he's ready- than open myself to the temptation of having another boyfriend like my other ex, the jerk that won't show any emotion and shows only physical lust.
These are some of the statements from your oringinal post that seem like red flags to me.

He doesn't know if he loves you romantically. But you seem to think your only choices are staying with a guy who isn't sure he loves you "that way" and being with a jerk.

Seems to me there is a lot of middle ground there that you are missing, Tinros.

There are guys out there who will truly, passionately love you, not be wishy-washy about it, and be respectful about physical intimacy, and you are missing out on them by being with Matt. Is that fair to you?

Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ludosti
Member
Member # 1772

 - posted      Profile for ludosti   Email ludosti         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
But that's the question isn't it? Just how EASY is it for the guys who make this commitment? If they are very heterosexual, it is probably pretty hard. But if they just don't have strong urges that way, it may be rather easy for them, even seem to be the natural state of things.

Probably a new issue for a new thread, but this reeks to me of double standard. Why is it that we expect men to have raging hormones and be constantly fighting the urge to hump everything in sight (so any man not fitting this stereotype is automatically assumed to be gay or asexual or in some other way sexually deviant)? Why do we think any woman who is interested in sex is a whore? Why do we think it's easier for a woman to "save" herself for marriage, but that for a man to "save" himself for marriage involves some hurculean task?
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
camus
Member
Member # 8052

 - posted      Profile for camus   Email camus         Edit/Delete Post 
This is the perspective I heard from a guy who had the same idea of waiting until marriage, even for kissing:

His reasoning was partly religious, but partly based on the wedding ceremony. He felt that when it was said, "you may now kiss the bride," that kiss should actually mean something. Now if you've kissed and done countless of other things before that point, then that kiss loses some of its value and meaning. That kiss, to some extent, sealed the lifelong commitment. It added more significance to the marriage arrangement and it made that first kiss even more special. That wedding kiss was not just one out of a hundred, but was more symbolic of their commitment to each other. It also meant, "My love for you is so great that I'm willing to forsake my own personal desires."

Now, I do not necessarily agree with this, but I think there is some merit to that idea, and I don't think it should be viewed as harmful when someone chooses to set certain principles for themself to live by. After all, does indulging oneself in certain pleasures really add happiness to life?

Tinros,
In six years, he may still not want to get married. Are you prepared for that possibility? The feelings you have now about his uncertainty is only a small glimpse of how you will feel after six more years of anticipation. It may be easier for you to ease back a little on your expectations of where this relationship will lead you. Because of the strength of your friendship, pulling back a little won't harm it at all.


Katarain makes a good point about God's role in people's lives. He wants us to be happy. He didn't give us free will just so that he could decide everything we do. He undestands our limitations and expects us to understand too. "My yoke is kindly and my burden is light." He doesn't want to be a burden on our lives.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
I was talking about a guy because this situation is about a guy.

I never implied it didn't work exactly the same way for females.

Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jay
Member
Member # 5786

 - posted      Profile for Jay   Email Jay         Edit/Delete Post 
Wow Tinros, very impressive. Just got back to work and haven’t got to read everything, but wow….
Keep it up and don’t get discouraged. You seem to have an immense amount of patience and I know that in the long road it’ll pay off. Don’t let the world define what you should be. Your faith will keep you strong and together your relationship will be unbelievable.

Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TomDavidson
Member
Member # 124

 - posted      Profile for TomDavidson   Email TomDavidson         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
After all, does indulging oneself in certain pleasures really add happiness to life?
It can, certainly. That's why we call them pleasures. [Wink]
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ludosti
Member
Member # 1772

 - posted      Profile for ludosti   Email ludosti         Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I was extrapolating on what you (and others) said bev. Your post was just kind of the culmination of it all for me. [Smile]
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
I can tell you right now, if I had to date without kissing... man... I don't think I'd stick with it. And if it weren't very, very hard for me, I'd wonder about my own sex drive.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ludosti
Member
Member # 1772

 - posted      Profile for ludosti   Email ludosti         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I'm the same way. But that doesn't mean that all people (male or female) are the same, which is why I guess I'm annoyed that because this particular guy doesn't want to get romantically or physically involved with this particular girl at this stage of life, he is seen as some sort of freak (by freak I mean he is seen as being something other than a "normal" man).
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
camus
Member
Member # 8052

 - posted      Profile for camus   Email camus         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
It can, certainly. That's why we call them pleasures. [Wink]
I agree. But I there are different types of happiness, and I don't think the type that she's looking for or describing here can be found through physical pleasure.
Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beverly
Member
Member # 6246

 - posted      Profile for beverly   Email beverly         Edit/Delete Post 
Well, some might take offense at you calling asexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals freaks. [Wink]

But you have to understand, it happened to me. So I'm it makes me alert to that happening in other situations as well.

Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CStroman
Member
Member # 6872

 - posted      Profile for CStroman   Email CStroman         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
It can, certainly. That's why we call them pleasures.
I guess it boils down to the symantics of how you define "Happiness/Joy" whether on a short term physical/biological/psychological feeling level or an eternal level (which becomes a religious issue).

I come from a school of thought of "Wickedness never was happiness" which seems to imply that true complete happiness includes a spirtually filled component. It also has a component of longevity past this life.

I guess I define true "Happiness" as a possbile eternally elevated status of satisfaction.

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ludosti
Member
Member # 1772

 - posted      Profile for ludosti   Email ludosti         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Well, some might take offense at you calling asexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals freaks. [Wink]
That's not what I meant, but I know by the [Wink] that you understand that. The people in this thread somehow seem to think that there is something "wrong" with him because he doesn't want to kiss her... That's what I was getting at.

quote:
But you have to understand, it happened to me. So I'm it makes me alert to that happening in other situations as well.
*nod* You don't want people going through what you went through and so you're sensitive to situations that seem similar to you. I'll buy that. [Smile]
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Katarain
Member
Member # 6659

 - posted      Profile for Katarain   Email Katarain         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
"My yoke is kindly and my burden is light." He doesn't want to be a burden on our lives.
I disagree with your second sentence. Not that I think he wants to be a burden, but you went from a light burden to no burden at all. An easy yoke is still a yoke, a light burden is still a burden. Following God is not always easy. In fact, it's hardly ever easy. In fact, EASY is not exactly the best thing for us, either.

God wants us happy, but not at the expense of our salvation.

Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
camus
Member
Member # 8052

 - posted      Profile for camus   Email camus         Edit/Delete Post 
Hmmm... I see your point, and my mistake. Perhaps it's because of how I view a burden. Perhaps I should clarify my perspective by saying... Working for something isn't a burden if we want to do it. If we want to please God, we will be happy enduring the struggles that it may take. Example - I would be happy working an otherwise miserable job if it meant my family was fed and clothed.
Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jeniwren
Member
Member # 2002

 - posted      Profile for jeniwren   Email jeniwren         Edit/Delete Post 
I interpretted his decision not to want to kiss her as one of recognizing his own limitations. In that he's afraid he won't be able to keep from going farther if he kisses too much. So why kiss at all, since it's hard to guage when a kiss goes too far.

When I was young but not a virgin anymore, I dated a young man who *was* a virgin and who had firm convictions that he was going to stay one until marriage. I ended up being the one to stop us from going too far, largely because I didn't want him to make that kind of decision in the heat of the moment. Kissing led to, you know. It was an easy progression.

Another young man, same convictions, broke up with me because he didn't think he'd be able to stop and it seemed clear to him that I wouldn't either. I remember both boys fondly and am pretty sure neither was gay, though I admit, I wouldn't know. I've long since lost touch with them.

Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
punwit
Member
Member # 6388

 - posted      Profile for punwit   Email punwit         Edit/Delete Post 
Tinros, I wish you success in your pursuit of happiness. I would caution you, as have others, that your contentment and piece of mind are ultimately inner-directed. If you find joy and fulfillment in your belief in God, that is a blessing, but you must also find joy in yourself. You need to appreciate who YOU are before you'll be able to live your life happily.

You have much to give to this world regardless of who you may or may not marry. Stop thinking of Matt as a safeguard on your innocence. I would suggest that this crutch inhibits you from developing the strength that you crave. I don't intend to indicate that you must be strong, only that you are shamed that you aren't and until you face that demon it will forever haunt you.

Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tinros
Member
Member # 8328

 - posted      Profile for Tinros           Edit/Delete Post 
I've always seen it this way: The rules that God sets down aren't here to prevent us from having fun. They're to keep us happy IN THE LONG RUN. God is more concerned with what will happen over the course of our lives. One moment of pleasure, nine months of pain, along comes the baby, and you wish you never had that "pleasure" in the first place. I don't think kissing in itself is a sin. quick, light kisses are fine with me. But...

camus: "His reasoning was partly religious, but partly based on the wedding ceremony. He felt that when it was said, "you may now kiss the bride," that kiss should actually mean something. Now if you've kissed and done countless of other things before that point, then that kiss loses some of its value and meaning. That kiss, to some extent, sealed the lifelong commitment. It added more significance to the marriage arrangement and it made that first kiss even more special. That wedding kiss was not just one out of a hundred, but was more symbolic of their commitment to each other. It also meant, "My love for you is so great that I'm willing to forsake my own personal desires."
"
This is Matt's reasoning. He wants it to be more special. Honestly, if giving up the physical aspect(or most of it) is what I have to do in order to love him, I'll do it.

As for having fun and spending my time elsewhere- I'm in marching band. We have practice almost every day, football games on fridays, and competitions almost every weekend. Matt isn't involved in that anymore- he quit a couple years ago. Believe me, I keep myself busy.

Yes, I was frustrated. Very frustrated, especially at those who told me that not only were my beliefs on the subject wrong, that my very religion is wrong. I REALLY don't appreciate that. btw, I'm technically Baptist, but it's more non-denominational.

I've made my decision, and I'm going to call matt soon to tell him. Thanks you all for your advice- it means a lot to have the viewpoint of adults that aren't my parents. I'll tell you all how things work out later...

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Theaca
Member
Member # 8325

 - posted      Profile for Theaca   Email Theaca         Edit/Delete Post 
I read the whole thread, but maybe not as well as I should have. Sorry if I missed something. My concern is that what you guys feel for each other, or at least, what HE feels for YOU is not love. You said he didn't know what kind of love it was, didn't he?

If you're going to spend the next 6-8 years waiting for him to decide, that could affect your life alot. You might miss the man you were supposed to marry while waiting for this guy. You might lose out on lots of chances. I suggest you ask him how he feels about you dating other people. If he doesn't really mind, then, I think it would be good idea to keep your options open.

I'm not telling you to rush out and date though because you said you didn't have the self control to be good. That will come with maturity. Just give it some time and interact with your fellow college students without an "I'm taken, guys. Take a hike" attitude and see how you feel in a few months.

Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
quidscribis
Member
Member # 5124

 - posted      Profile for quidscribis   Email quidscribis         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I wanted to marry someone with whom I had been friends for several years first. (Not that any of my friends were in the least interesting in that way to me.) I wanted to date for a year or two, and be engaged at least 1 year. After all, how can you really be sure you want to spend the REST of your life with someone without a lot of time?? I wanted to spend a lot of in-person time with anybody I dated--this was after two long-distance relationships that had been very hard.

I ended up marrying someone I had known online for about 8 years. Not a close friend, mind you, but an acquaintance. Less than a month later, we were married.

Sometimes, things just don't work out how you planned. But they do work out. Our 2nd anniversary is next month.

-Katarain

I also wanted to be friends first and know the man I married for a long time before I married. I also wanted to marry within my own faith. God, however, had other plans for me. I ended up marrying a man I met on the internet two months before after flying halfway around the world to be with him, and we married 8 hours after meeting in person for the first time. We celebrated our two year anniversary on Monday, and we're very much suited for each other and happy together.

I say this to caution you to be flexible about things that don't matter. Yes, stick to your standards. Do your best to follow what God has in mind for you. But understand that what He has in mind for you is sometimes different than what you think He has in mind for you.

And in all that, I also agree with others about making time for some counselling when you get to college. A good therapist can make a world of difference, especially if you sometimes feel suicidal. Take it from someone who's been there for many years. Therapy made a monumental difference for me, and it has for many others as well. One bad therapist shouldn't stop you from getting some good help.

Good luck.

Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
King of Men
Member
Member # 6684

 - posted      Profile for King of Men   Email King of Men         Edit/Delete Post 
Ah well. This kind of thing is one reason religion should be banned for minors. It's way too dangerous for them. I mean, what a thing to get your panties in a twist over!
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
imogen
Member
Member # 5485

 - posted      Profile for imogen   Email imogen         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Very frustrated, especially at those who told me that not only were my beliefs on the subject wrong, that my very religion is wrong. I REALLY don't appreciate that.
If you come to Hatrack with a problem, and are clearly anguished about it, expect people to question your underlying beliefs as they try to puzzle out a solution. It's the way things work here.

[Smile]

Some people may share your views, others may not. We have representatives from a heap of religions here, as well as a healthy dose of agnostics, atheists and everything in between. If you think your religion is right for you, great.

But people here may not agree. People won't usually tell each other they don't think their religion is working for them, but in this case your conflict appears to be partly related to your view of religion in your life. Please don't be offended by it.

You can be offended by KoM if you really wish. He is the resident anti-religion crusader. Although personally, I thought his last post was kinda funny.

Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tante Shvester
Member
Member # 8202

 - posted      Profile for Tante Shvester   Email Tante Shvester         Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, everyone is offended by King of Men. It is a tie that binds us.

Thanks, KOM!

Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
King of Men
Member
Member # 6684

 - posted      Profile for King of Men   Email King of Men         Edit/Delete Post 
*Takes a bow*

You are welcome.

Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 6 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2