posted
I've always found that there are a few basic things you can comment on or ask about to start conversations with strangers, depending on the situation. Granted, I'm dealing with men, but it can't be that much more difficult for women.
For example, if you're in a bar with a pool table, challenge her and her friends to a game. It gives you the opportunity to actually start a conversation. I'm a big fan of pool halls and bars with pool halls.
If it's a class, like everyone said before, ask what she thinks of the professor, or how she figured out X homework problem, or what she thinks of that kind of thing.
Concert? Easy. Music. Clearly, she likes it. Ask her if she went to so-and-so's show, or if she's planning on going to another one in the future.
Where do you usually meet these girls that you're interested in?
posted
I don't. That's a point I think I brought up back on page 1 or 2. In class, a girl might catch my eye or spark my interest, but it never goes past that. Beyond class though, I encounter few people. I don't go to bars or anything similar. I don't really go out (I don't like to), and I think that's a large part of the problem.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Well, whatever class you're in could be a conversation starter. Ask about the homework, comment on the style of the professor, wondering what interested the young lady in the class to begin with.
Some guy started a conversation with me over the magic square I was working on in Linguistics, so clearly this is an accepted and practiced technique. He said "Is that for a class or are you doing that for fun?"
I thought of this thread, heh.
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posted
Bars are not a great way to really get to know people anyway. (See above). "Going out", though, may be a wider group of activites than you think. And a college campus has lots of possibilities.
Study in the library rather than your room.
Go to concerts of all different kinds of music - classical, too! Lectures. Plays. Religious services. Demonstrations.
You won't have to talk to anyone, but all of these things will widen your interests and make you more interesting. Being more interesting will give you stuff to talk about. Give you something to offer. And you will start seeing familiar faces and maybe once you've seen them a couple of times you could start a conversation - now that you know something about her.
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posted
pfresh: What I mean is, though, that it's not GOING to go past that unless you can come up with some kind of casual conversation-starter, like the ones mentioned on the last page.
And I was asking where you usually ran into women that you had any interest in whatsoever. So I guess the answer is "class."
posted
With respect to the library, I'm sort of afraid to go there when I study. Why? Because it's a 10-15 minute walk from my apartment to the library, and I study at night. While the library itself (and most of the campus) might be safe, I don't feel safe walking around a whole lot at night, particularly not with some of the stories I've heard (both from people and from the newspaper).
Concerts are a no go as well, because my hearing is too good. Any loud music (which I think covers most concerts and even some other type of events) really bothers my ears, even if I do put ear plugs in or something.
Religious services are a possiblity that I've considered, but it does involve me stomaching a lot of things (I can go into that more if you'd like).
As for pH's comment, well I distinguished between "meet" and "see/observe." I don't meet many women period. I do see some girls that I might be interested in (they may be attractive or they may have said something really intelligent/clever/funny in class). So I guess "class" works as an answer.
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posted
Well, honey, if you basically just hang around in your room, what are the two of you going to do together whan and if you do meet someone? Barring the obvious.
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posted
That's what I don't know, and it's one of the things that makes me doubt whether I can actually date and/or have a relationship. That in turns makes me more depressed. Not a good thing.
On a side note, I'm on day 10 of my depression/anxiety medication. Day 8 and 9 have been more depressing than prior to the medication. Day 10 doesn't look much better.
EDIT: There are some things to do an apartment beside that. You could watch TV or a movie or something, you could play games, you could have a nice meal, maybe just sit on a couch and talk.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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What about going to a lecture? Campuses have talks on different topics all the time.
Classical music concerts aren't all that loud - especially if you stick to music earlier than Beethoven.
Games. What games do you like to play? Are there goups on campus that play these games? Maybe start one? Just put up a poster and find a room.
"nice meal". Do you cook? Maybe find some folks interested in that.
Having a nice meal or sitting and talking still require having something to talk about. Finding a common interest (which will be easier once you expand your interests) will give you something to discuss. And give a foundation for a relationship.
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posted
I'd make a reply, but I think it'd turn into an angry tirade. Not anger at you or anyone on Hatrack, I'm not sure at what. I'm just mad and I don't feel like venting on Hatrack will get me anywhere.
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posted
Some things you can do while you wait for the antidepressants to kick in: go for a walk in the sun, eat chocolate, or watch a funny movie. I've found these things useful.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Didn't mean to make you angry. I misunderstood and thought you were looking for ideas. If you just want to vent, that's okay, too. I'll shut up and feel sympathetic.
That's not sarcastic. There is nothing more annoying than solutions when you just really want a good wallow. Sorry.
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posted
You didn't make me angry, kmbboots. The situation makes me angry, the solutions make me angry.
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posted
Listen to Shigosei and have some chocolate. If you tell me you're allergic to chocolate, I'll climb through the computer and beat you about the ears!
Hang in there. It's never easy, but it will get better.
posted
I'm not allergic. I just don't have any more sweets around the apartment. I've eaten almost all of them in the last few days.
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posted
Thanks. I'll probably head to the grocery store this weekend sometime. I'm going out for dinner with my brother and some of his friends who are here for the big UT/OU game .
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posted
The answer to your troubles is that there is no answer. You can look for a girl all your life and maybe you'll find one and maybe not. Alternatively you can NOT look for one and perhaps you'll luck out and she'll just show up in your life. What I suggest is just putting yourself out there, as many before me have suggested. Make small talk and realize that it's only just small talk. Do it, but don't expect anyone to bring you any happiness. Your problem isn't that you don't have anyone to love/love you. I was the same way but then I got over it and things got better and have stayed better.
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posted
Part of it is a love thing, I'll give you that. The thing is though I'm happy with myself as I am and the life I lead (or at least for the most part in the circumstances I'm in). I want love, marriage, and a family though. The problem arises though to get those things I need to be changing who I am, and that's what I'm not happy with. I'm okay with minor changes, but a lot of these changes are making me someone who isn't me. Sorry if that doesn't make sense; that's the easiest way I can explain it.
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posted
I think that going into meeting people of the opposite sex with the idea that you're looking for love and/or marriage puts way too much pressure on the situation.
Then again, I'm very weird about pressure and commitment. My mother always discouraged me from having steady boyfriends when I lived at home. She wanted me to "get out there and meet people."
posted
No, pH, you're right. I can't think of many situations that go "I'm depressed and can't meet people, but if I just had a wife everything would be wonderful" that end in marriage, of if they do, end well.
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posted
So, pfresh, when you are married and have children are you still planning to hang around the house, watch movies, play games, and eat? Kids need activities. They need to have experiences in the world. If your ultimate goal is to have a wife and family, maybe you should try to imagine the kind of family you would like to have one day. What kind of memories do you want your family to make together? When you decide, figure out what you need to do to make those memories for them a possibility.
I loved playing sports with my family. I loved singing around the piano. I loved playing Uno all day on Christmas. I loved playing in the snow and making snow forts.
The possibilities are endless!!!
Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Excuse me first if I end up sounding very angry and/or irritable. I'm sick (definitely at this point, I was unsure before), I have a bad headache, I think I'm becoming obsessive compulsive, and I'm still in a bad mood. That out of the way, here we go.
I'm not saying that I think having a wife and a family is going to fix everything. I think people are reading into this or something. I'm fine with my life. I may not like the school I go to, but I can tolerate it for another year or so to finish up my degree. I'm going to be happy with my job (this I'm at least fairly sure about). I generally like the things I do with my time.
The problem is planning for the future (which I'm always doing). I would like to be married and have a family at that point. Some of you may be saying "you're only 20, no need to concern yourself with it now," but I'd prefer to be concerned with it now. I don't want to try to start having a family when I'm 30. I'd like to start in my mid-20's, which means I need to start meeting women now.
If there was a guarantee that I was never going to get married, then I don't know that this post would even exist. I'd probably be absorbed in something else. But there is a possibility and that's what I'm focused on. When I saw a psychologist in the summer, he said I had the obsessive part of obsessive compulsive disorder (and it looks like I may be getting the compulsive now). When I have a problem or something that's concerning me, it becomes my major focus, even when I'm doing other stuff or thinking about other things. With the odds looking against me though, because I don't want to play by the rules and because I don't want to majorly change myself, I'm not happy.
And K.T., I think you made a major leap that lead you into error. Or maybe you're basing it too much on your version of what family life is. With my family, we didn't do a whole lot of stuff outside of the house as a family (other than eating out and occasionallly doing tree planting). We did play a lot of board games and card games, we watched TV and movies, and other such things. If our parents were busy, my brother, my sister, and I would play with toys or play a board game or a video game or something. Outside of the house, all of us kids had sports we played and that our parents watched. When (or should I say if) I become apparent, I'd want a similar type of family life. I'd like get my kid into a sport and be in the stands to cheer him or her on. I'd like to play board games and such at home with the kids. Maybe I'm just different in that though.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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quote:I can't think of many situations that go "I'm depressed and can't meet people, but if I just had a wife everything would be wonderful" that end in marriage, of if they do, end well.
He doesn't mean that, I don't think. He means that right now he is in a position which doesn't seem to be leading to where he sees himself in five or ten years. He doesn't mean he's looking for "her" but that he's looking to get on the right road that leads to "her".
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posted
Not that different, pfresh. That sounds a lot like my childhood. We did boardgames and (gasp!) videogames and dinner and movies as a family, and I think we turned out alright. (Well, okay, dkw went and married some strange guy she met on the internet, but other than that... )
When I was in college I focused a lot on dating and all of that too. I'm 27 now. I'm not married, but I've had several nice relationships and am currently dating a video game designer. I think people just want to make sure you're not obsessing over dating, because that's one of the catch-22 situations: if you're trying too hard to meet women you can seem needy or creepy or whatever.
Bottom line is: Compromise is sometimes necessary in a relationship, but it shouldn't be compromising the core of your personality, and it shouldn't be before you even meet the person. It's better to find someone who likes who you are than to change into what you think women want.
Everyone has different tastes, and one of them wants to taste you. Er, that didn't come out quite right but you get what I mean.
posted
I think that's part of the problem, Enigmatic. I think some of the girls whose tastes I would match are probably similar to me in that they stay at home and do stuff rather than going out a whole lot. If they are staying at home, how do you meet them? It's a conundrum.
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posted
Well, the only reason I included that detail here is for reinforcement of the idea that you can be the sort of person who likes staying in and playing games and still get dates.
posted
You chatting up me or pfresh? I'm already dating someone I met on the internet, sorry.
Added: I am talking to Joldo. Engimatic is not chatting me up. Although I do need to ask him if he's up for another Serenity screening this weekend.
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posted
Papa Moose said it on page 1, but people may have taken it as a joke. There is nothing wrong with meeting people on the internet! People talk about "what if the other person is some crazy seriel killer?" but there's the same risk of lunacy if you pick someone up in a bar or night club.
If you don't want to use an actual personals site, there's always the possibility of meeting someone with similiar interests in a forum or chattroom about said interests. Notice anything about where we're having this conversation?
posted
ElJay: I was going to suggest family Serenity Matinee on Sunday before dinner, actually. Mom would go again, and I don't think Dad's seen it yet.
posted
I'm on a few personals sites, just haven't had much luck yet. As for forums, I'm a member of several, so I guess that's always one path to look down.
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posted
Ppffft. People don't actualy get married to people they meet on Hatrack, right? That would be crazy.Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Oh, I totally agree with meeting people on the Internet. The law student I'm dating right now (looky! He's not in a band, though he used to be, he's never been a drug dealer, and he's going to have a REAL job when he grows up! ) is someone I met off of Myspace.
My biggest concern with the not being worried about marriage thing isn't necessarily about not being focused on DATING, really...focusing on dating is fun sometimes. It's just that I think if you're going to have fun dating, trying to evaluate every date by figuring out what your kids are going to look like when they're fifteen just creates way too much mental pressure for YOU.
My best personal example of this comes from an occasion when I had agreed to marry a guy I'd only actually been in a relationship with for a week (calm yourselves; I knew him for a couple of years before that). The idea that we were going to get married caused a whole lot of problems between us, since it came so early on and essentially framed our relationship. We weren't just two people who enjoyed being together anymore. Even though the two of us had agreed on it, it really wasn't a good idea to go into the relationship thinking like that, and it caused a lot of strain.
I WANT to be married, clearly. After all, I was planning on being married at twenty-two to this particular man. However, the idea of marriage is kind of a scary one, when you think about it. It tends to stress me out a lot.
And K.T., I think you made a major leap that lead you into error. Or maybe you're basing it too much on your version of what family life is.
quote:
I'm sorry if what I said was taken badly. I guess I didn't express what I meant very well, as one of my talents is not meeting people on the internet. I was trying to say (also referring to what a few other people suggested) that you may want to think about the kinds of things you want your future family to do together. Then use those ideas as a jumping board for getting involved in things now that would help you meet people (hopefully girls).
Sorry if what I said was offensive. It was not meant to be so.
Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2005
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quote:Originally posted by pfresh85: In class, a girl might catch my eye or spark my interest, but it never goes past that.
What do you do to catch her interest?
Smiling at first eye contact is step one. So many people wont even look at other people, just looking does wonders. It is like saying "hi".
Then learn what other steps to take. Saying "hi" for real. I've said hi to many strangers and been welcomed with a hi back. It always surprises me. In high school someone said hi to me and saying hi was so foreign to my tounge, I was speechless and didn't know what to say and just kept walking... Needless to say, I then had a crush on the girl for noticing me and she avoided me like the plague because I didn't say hi back.
Time has passed...
I have decided a few times to flirt with girls just to flirt even though they intimidated me to death. I wasn't faking, they were fun to flirt with. I was faking that I was comfortable around them. I was so emotionally drained afterwards because it was so hard. But it was a real confidence builder and I can be more normal around girls now because I am less intimidated.
Oh, and I hate being "Safe". Married girls flirt with me all the time and I coundn't figure it out. Finally a friend told me that I was "Safe", meaning, they could flirt with me because I was never going to do anything about it.
And, yes, I learned that acting distant around girls I was interested in was really stupid. Anyway, I brought it up because I've seen the same reaction from some girls.
Posts: 1209 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote: The problem is planning for the future (which I'm always doing). I would like to be married and have a family at that point. Some of you may be saying "you're only 20, no need to concern yourself with it now," but I'd prefer to be concerned with it now. I don't want to try to start having a family when I'm 30. I'd like to start in my mid-20's, which means I need to start meeting women now.
That's how I feel. I'm 21, and I'm incredibly stressed about meeting someone. I console myself with the fact that between school and work, I don't have time for a relationship anyway, so there's no reason to really freak out about it. But I want to have a family in my late 20's, I don't want to be just starting to think about it in my late 20's.
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posted
The other thing I might add for why I'm worried now is that I doubt I'll meet any women once I get done with college. I'll be done with college next year (next school year that is), and I'll only be 22. Then it'll be off to the real world of a job and everything, and I have doubts that I'll meet anyone then (or it'll be a lot harder). So yeah, worries are on my head. That's how it goes for me.
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