posted
It's late, I'm 'le tired', I have boring essays on topics about which I do not care, my caffeine is running low, I'm bored, I'm whining unashamedly but darn it it's my birthday and I want to be entertained!
Make me laugh so hard I wake my floormates up! Go, Hatrack! It's a challenge! Posts: 866 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
The other day I could not figure out what the Ketchup Princess wanted for breakfast. I offered her all the usual-- fruit, yogurt, crackers, juice. She kept pointing at the fridge and saying, "Quack quack!" I tried practically everything she usually eats; she either refused it or accepted it, took a bite, and threw it, then repeated, "Quack quack!", pointing at the fridge. Finally, after much thought, I realized that she thinks almost any bird that vaguely resembles a duck says, "Quack quack!" I also remembered that there was a roasted chicken carcass in there. I shredded some chicken and asked, "Do you want some chicken?"
She happily snarfed down about an ounce and a half of roasted chicken for her breakfast, finished her juice, and was ready to play.
On another note, a preacher just out of the seminary was "supplied" to a country church. He got up to begin his sermon with a scripture. He began, "Behold, I cometh..." but couldn't remember the rest of the verse. Now, in the seminary, they taught him that when he forgot what he was supposed to say, he should just take a breath and start over. So he repeated impassionedly, "Behold, I cometh!..." but couldn't remember the rest of the verse. So one more time, he tried, with more passion than ever, "Behold, I cometh...", took a step forward, tripped over the step, and fell over the low pulpit right into the lap of a little old lady in the first pew! He turned red and apologized profusely. But the old lady said, "It ain't your fault. You told me you were comin' three times, and I didn't get out of the way!"
On yet another note:
A cute little very petite redhead is waiting for a bus, at the front of the line. She has on a very tight leather skirt. The bus pulls up, opens its door, and she goes to step up, but her skirt is too tight and she can't make it. She smiles at the bus driver, reaches back, and unzips the zipper in back of her skirt a little. Then she tries again. She still can't make it up that step. So she reaches back, smiles bigger and sweeter, and unzips the skirt a little, once again. She goes to step up, and still doesn't make it! So she smiles her biggest smile, reaches back, and unzips the zipper all the way. She goes to step up and... still can't make it.
At this point, the big Texan standing behind her reaches over, picks her up, places her on the top step, and tips his hat.
The young lady whirls around, furious. "How DARE you touch my BODY?" she cries.
The Texan looks perplexed and answers, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly three times, I figgered we were friends!"
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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You're good, you're good! I'm sort of on-off hatracking (see above- the essay ), but now I'm done and I am giggling in a needing coffee sort of way. Thank you!
Posts: 866 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Well, I can see I'm a bit late, but eh, let me try anyway.
[affected British-twit accent] I say, my deah gihl, do cheeah up, theah's a good wee lass. Mustn't sulk, eh? What? Can't let the jolly old Hun think he's winning, don'tcherknow. Chin up, eyes fwont, play the game to the end! That's the spiwit that won Watahloo! So let's have no moah of this defeatist moping about; let's see that pwetty smile! Mustn't spoil the wah effoht, eh? [/affected British-twit accent]
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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"Dear Lord" the minister began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust...."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl, who was listening very carefully, leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, " Mommy, WHAT is BUTT dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
Posts: 169 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
How is this for more levity, a short Sasha story.
You think Papa Moose has it bad? My son decided to rename me, Papa Lady-Bug. We really have some gender issues to work out here.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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A teacher is talking to her first graders about whales. She tells them that their mouths are very large but their throats are small so they can't really swallow anything big like a person. A little girl pipes up and says, "In Sunday School we learned that Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
The teacher replies (a little annoyed), "I'm telling you that there is no way a whale can swallow a whole person like that."
So the little girl says, "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The teacher (more annoyed) asks, "What if Jonah doesn't go to heaven."
And the little girl answers, "Then you can ask him!"
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MandyM: OK here is my latest favorite joke...
A teacher is talking to her first graders about whales. She tells them that their mouths are very large but their throats are small so they can't really swallow anything big like a person. A little girl pipes up and says, "In Sunday School we learned that Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
The teacher replies (a little annoyed), "I'm telling you that there is no way a whale can swallow a whole person like that."
So the little girl says, "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The teacher (more annoyed) asks, "What if Jonah doesn't go to heaven."
And the little girl answers, "Then you can ask him!"
Thanks to you, I suffered the humiliation of choking on my own saliva as I tried to laugh.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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