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For most of you that know me, I'm going to try and keep this short. I was diagnosed a while ago with social anxiety disorder, depression, and extremely low self esteem. I've been on medicines for the anxiety stuff for over a month now. I started some new stuff this past Wednesday. I think that's a good enough little synopsis.
So here we are, Monday afternoonish. I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. I've been pushing myself very hard to be more social, to try and do things to get beyond my depression. I went to OU to see friends, I've hung out with people during the week, and I tried to get this Hatrack get together around here set up. I've even been going to church too. At the end of all this, I still feel depressed, and I still have a very low opinion of myself. Then there's the exhaustion. I don't know if it's because I've been pushing myself so hard socially or if it's just because I'm under a lot of stress. I just feel terrible. Even as I type this, I struggle to keep my eyes open. I just want to sleep for days. I can't though. I have reading to do, I have a paper due tomorrow, I have a final tomorrow, I just have all this stuff.
I'm tired, depressed, and feel overwhelmed with what I have to do. I give up. I just give up. You win, God. If you've been trying to break my spirit, way to go. Have a gold star. *sigh* I'm just going to go lie in my chair and feel miserable while I try to drudge through history.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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(((hugs))) It'll get better. E-mail me if you need to talk, I may not have much advice but I'm a good listener.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Oh honey! You sound really beat. So, go lay down and take a nap. Set your alarm clock so that you are sure of getting up and getting your work done. You will do better work anyway, once you are more rested.
(((pfresh))) I parenthesis you.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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pfresh, think of it as a slow change. Unfortunately, undertaking to change your life doesn't produce results nearly as quickly as we'd like. I think it is a good thing to stick with - you just don't have to do it all at once.
As my friend Molly told me once, it's not a race. It's okay to hide for a bit if you need to. Just don't give up altogether. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad time.
You do sound tired, maybe you need some rest? How about checking back with your doctor - maybe a dosage change or med change is in order. You know, medicating your symptoms is not a cut and dry, one-pill-fits-all kind of thing, often doctors have to work with you and tweak the dosage or try different med combinations. You definitely need to keep the doctor informed of your symptoms.
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Oh pfresh, you are still new on the meds, I hope it all starts to even out a little soon. I know about the exhaustion/stress/depression thing. There is a whole mindset that goes with it of "I can't cope, it's the end of everything." And you know, one day at a time, you keep getting up and the world generally doesn't fall apart. Some aspects of life (or classes, or whatever) end up going really great, others you just scrape by, but the world keeps turning. I second the nap suggestion. Best wishes to you!!
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Hmmm...I have two reactions to this, but I don't know you or your situation, so I'll try to be gentle...
Have you talked to your doctor about this?
It may be that your meds aren't working.
It may also be that you have too high an expectation of what should happen now that you're being treated for all of your disorders.
I'm not a doctor, heck, I don't even play one on T.V, so I can't tell you for sure what's going on. I can say that you do seem to be...wallowing...a bit more theatrically than is really necessary.
Regardless of your own personal situation, remember that it could be so much worse.
Do you really think that God is singling you out and trying to break your spirit? That sounds a bit prideful to me. Maybe God isn't trying to break you, but is trying to teach you humility, and sympathy, and compassion for those who have it worse than you.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by TheHumanTarget: Do you really think that God is singling you out and trying to break your spirit? That sounds a bit prideful to me. Maybe God isn't trying to break you, but is trying to teach you humility, and sympathy, and compassion for those who have it worse than you.
I don't think God is singling me out; I just think this is how it's happening. As for humility, is there a way to learn more humility when you already feel like a failure in everything you do? As for sympathy and compassion, I have those in abundance already (it's just not readily apparent from this topic). If God's trying to teach me something though, he's doing it in a long and painful way, as this stuff is just an extension of stuff that started 6 years ago.
EDIT: For those who offered sympathy, thanks. I'd take a nap if I could. I don't think I have the time for it though. I've got a 300ish page book to read and then a 5 or 6 page paper to write. My guess is this will consume most of my afternoon and evening.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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quote: Do you really think that God is singling you out and trying to break your spirit?
THT, honestly, I don't mean this disrespectfully to you. I don't know what your screenname means but it just struck me as a funny juxtaposition w/ this comment!
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Well, I don't want anyone stealing my spotlight... I'm the human target. God only picks on me...
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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*hugs* I don't have any life-changing advice. But I do have this:
Get some rest. A good nap will clear your head. Set your alarm so you don't sleep longer than you are supposed to.
Edit: Noticed you said you didn't think you could afford a nap. So, instead, sleep in tomorow morning, if possible.
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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I think he's saying that it's kind of a reverse pride. It's a perverse pleasure in being the worst at everything.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:Self-loathing is not humility. It's another form of pride.
This is absolutely true.
You guys just made me have an epiphany.... Anyhoot Pfresh, you should talk with Raia. Not to long ago I was feelign exactly the same way you do and she liften my spirits in a flash. Having online friends is a good thing too because they don't know much about you except through your writing and perhaps pictures. Well, as I said, talk to Raia through AIM or something. If not, then you can talk to AoD anytime.
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Wait, I still don't understand this self-loating = pride thing? Can you explain it, because I feel like it's over my head.
EDIT: AoD, I talk to pH a lot on IM to try and liven my spirits. She can usually be pretty funny and cheer me up. I just felt like I wanted to come on here and rant because I was in such a down mood.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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pfresh, I think what Tom means is that when you are full of self-loathing, you are too focused on yourself. You are thinking about how you are dong and what you are feeling and what is happening to you...
Sometimes the best way to be better socially (as I know from experience) is to focus not on yourself but on others...
Posts: 239 | Registered: May 2004
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Yeah, what ctm said. Self loathing means you are only concentrating on your own pains and flaws without noticing or realizing (whichever word works best) that those around you may be or feel just like you. In other words, stop pitying and hating yourself and go out there and live the short life you were given!
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ctm, I think you mistake my social problems. I'm perfectly functional in social situations. In fact, I typically ask the other people more questions and get them talking about themselves. And that self focus thing still doesn't mean pride. I went back and checked the definition of pride. It has nothing to do with self focus. It has to do with having inordinate self-esteem, reasonable or justifiable self-respect, or delight arising from some act, action, etc. (all from m-w.com if you care to check). To me, self-loathing is the exact opposite of pride. You have no self-esteem or self-respect. You aren't getting delight or pleasure out of it either. You're just miserable. There is no pride there.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Everything is overwhelming when you're tired. Sleep and do it till you're refreshed.
Sleep is better than any pill.
Get into a regular sleep pattern and try not to break it. When you start waking up 2 minutes before your alarm every day you will know you're doing it right.
I still think you may want to talk about your meds with your doctor, there's nothing wrong with having to adjust doses, it happens all the time. it would be unusual for you to have the exact right combination that works perfectly for you the first time!
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I wake up 15 minutes before my alarm ever day. I have a fairly regular sleep pattern. I just feel out of energy now.
EDIT: Well I went from 20mg of Celexa, to 40mg of Celexa, and now I'm on some dosage (I think 0.5mg) of clonazepam (I think that's how it's smelled) and Lexapro. I was about this depressed on the 40mg of Celexa for the month I was on it. I told my psychiatrist about it on Wednesday and that's why he switched me over. No real change though.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Oh for crying out loud. Give pfresh a break. Self-loathing=pride my ass. And HumanTarget, wtf?
(((pfresh))) Hang in there, push through the work, or even put it off and get some sleep. One unread book or unwritten paper ain't the end of the world, or your college career for that matter. Especially if you track down the prof and talk to them about it. My experience with profs is that if you find them and talk to them they are often amazingly helpful people. Also the world often looks brighter on the other side of lots and lots of sleep. Something that lifts my spirits when I'm down too is to find a nice patch of woods and go walk in it for hours on end. Or sometimes I climb atop the science building and watch the sun go down from atop the world and then the stars come out. If you have a similar place go spend some time out there. Fresh air and beautiful sights and a little solitude can do a mind good. Also, excercise can do amazing things as well. Endorpines do great things for ones mood. If you feel up to it give any or all of the above a shot and see if it helps. Also if you need a friendly ear, whenever, for whatever you can IM me. AIM: truealcon.
Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I find self-loathing to come from the same part of me as pride. Whether pfresh is the same way is another matter.
pfresh, something someone gave me was: leave while it's still fun. Which may mean, drive by the site of the social event. Or stop. Or go in and leave within 2 minutes.
But maybe what's up with you isn't social anxiety right now. I don't find social anxiety exhausting, just scary. I'd say if your body thinks it needs sleep, then that's not emotional, that's physical (whether from meds or from need for sleep!).
I hope it goes well!
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I find my social anxiety exhausting, always have. It drains both my physical and mental energy. I feel tired because I am physically needing sleep. I feel mentally drained because I can't do as much mental flexing as I normally can; it's like the energy required to think a lot is lacking. It's just a tiring feeling. A nap might help; I don't know. I haven't taken one yet. I've just been plowing through work more or less (with a small stop for dinner).
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When do you take your Lexapro, in the morning or in the evening? I used to take mine in the morning and I was so tired I could barely make it through the day. When I switched to taking it at night right before I went to sleep, I wound up with more energy during the day. I still don't have as much as I would like but it's a vast improvement over what I used to [not] have.
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I take the Lexapro with lunch and the clonazepam before bed (because it's supposed to make you really tired).
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While I don't know you well enough to know whether you fall into this trap or not, it's certainly the case that self-loathing, self-pity, self-doubt, and all those other self-insertconditionheres are in fact selfish. By definition.
And insofar as pride is just a manifestation of and preoccupation with the self, an unhealthy and excessive attachment to one's own identity, self-loathing is the flip side of the same problem: it's no less of an excessive attachment to the self.
The trick to mastering ALL those emotions -- pride, loathing, doubt, etc. -- is to get over oneself. And that's a process which I don't think many people are capable of managing all the time, myself included.
That said, this doesn't necessarily speak to your specific situation. After all, even if this generaliztion applies, you can't "get over" something you can't yet control; gaining control over the essential elements of your life takes precedence over learning to detach from the ones you can't control, IMO. But that means learning to identify what's essential, which isn't easy, either.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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pfresh85, If it is any consolation. You are doing all the right things. It will take time, but eventually you will get well as long as you persist. Depression is a vicious cycle. If you do what you feel like doing when you are depressed, the depression will get worse. If you resist, it will be hard but you will break free of the cycle.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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Tom, I agree that self-loathing is a selfish thing, but that nothing to do with pride. I don't have much pride in myself. I am selfish though because I am focused on my own suffering. I can't get out of it though. And frankly, you say anything about me having a lot of pride (due to my self-loathing) was a low blow. It hurt me and wasn't helpful at all. In fact, I feel worse after all this.
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quote: And frankly, you say anything about me having a lot of pride (due to my self-loathing) was a low blow. It hurt me and wasn't helpful at all. In fact, I feel worse after all this.
I had a longer reply mostly written, but I'll sum up:
I've been where you are now, pfresh. And it IS pride. Your decision just now to take this personally, to write off all the helpful and constructive things people have said to you just so that you can "feel worse" about an off-hand observation about the nature of the universe, is prideful. It's almost languidly self-obsessed, and reveals some determination to be depressed.
You almost certainly CAN get out of it. I've done it. I know others -- dozens, if not hundreds -- personally who have done it. And the first step, in my experience, has generally been to recognize that self-obsession, in its most corrosive manifestation as Despair, is a luxury that requires near-constant maintenance. The world, for all its callous cruelty, is full of beauty and grace and truly awe-inspiring inspiration, and it takes a conscious effort to overlook that.
Believe it or not, life is much easier once you stop spending time and emotional energy on making it hard. But that initial decision -- that initial flip of a switch -- can seem almost impossibly difficult, and is complicated enormously by chemical imbalances and the like which need to be addressed before any other work can begin.
But even now, even at this stage, you are in complete control over your world. Despair is born out of frustration and powerlessness, and you are not powerless over what you choose to perceive or how you choose to react to it. Most people don't have the benefit of enemies; they have to settle for defeating themselves. Don't do that.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I didn't write off all the helpful things; I wrote off what you said.
As for the rest of what you said, you're right and wrong. I have no determination to be depressed. I do have a determination to not change though. I like the things I do and how I do them, even though I'm terribly unhappy. Something in me though is resistant to change, and I think what that is is that I'm worried that things will get worse with change rather than better. I have a lot of trust issues that go beyond just the anxiety/depression stuff. I've been e-mailing back and forth with my old psychologist today about this. I have an appointment with him to try and get through some of the stuff. Obviously the medication is helping me some (as I am doing more stuff than I would have before), but it's obviously not enough by itself. I need to fix some stuff in my head, before I can fully change and get beyond this.
I'm sorry if I came off angry, Tom. I'm still in a foul mood, I'm frustrated with my homework, and I read your initial post as being full of venom or something. I reacted accordingly. I apologize for it though. It was uncalled for.
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No, I understand entirely where you're coming from; apologies are completely unnecessary. I'm just glad that you understand that I wasn't leaping for your jugular or anything, since that was the last thing in the world I'd want to do. And I'm very glad to hear that you haven't let my comment spoil this thread for you, since I think it's clear that the people here are very supportive of you.
Hey, have you read the book The Pleasure of My Company, by Steve Martin? In its purest form, it's a little treatise about the parts played by habit, change, and role-modeling in one's perception of oneself.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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It's ostensibly about a guy with severely advanced OCD, but it's really about the elaborate walls people can build within their own heads.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Ah. My psychologist, slightly jokingly, told me that I have a severe case of the obsessive part of OCD, I just lack the severe compulsiveness. Sounded about right to me. *shrugs* I'll look into the book though. Thanks, Tom.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Hey pfresh! Will it help if I dance around in a kendo outfit with a japan bandana in my head while dancing around with fans bearing the red sun as I chant: Gambatte, Pfresh-san!! Gambatte!
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I was trying to gently provide another point of view that didn't involve pointing out how wallowing in self-pity while crying out "poor me...pooooooor me" isn't productive or useful.
Apparently, it didn't work, and for that, I'm sorry.
PFresh...a web forum isn't going to fix your problems. Call your doctor.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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TheHumanTarget, read one of my posts a little bit up there. I've been e-mailing my psychologist back and forth since before I even made this post. I now have an appointment for after finals get done here (so Dec. 3rd). The main reason I posted here was to rant, because if I bottle it all up I'm just going to feel worse.
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It's okay to hide for a bit if you need to. Just don't give up altogether. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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Thanks AoD. Brought a smile to my face.
