posted
Ok, So i've finnished the last of my college aplications... I have written all of my personal statements (i'm turing the same one in 3 times with the name of the college being changed on each)... I have my transcripts and test scores, all with the official school seal on them... and i'm picking up my last letter of recomendation tomorrow...
ok... I haven't printed off my personal statement yet, and i'd like for as many of people to look it over as possible...
Here is the Indiana University version:
quote: Personal Statement
Dear Sirs and Madams of the Application Review Board:
I am well aware that this document is optional, and most likely will not influence your decision on my admission to IU. I do however hope that I can at least shed some light on what kind of a person and student I am. I feel I need to explain my transcript and my less than impressive Junior Year. As you can see, my freshman and sophomore years I was a solid student. I received mostly A’s and B’s. My junior year was a very difficult year for my academics due to my extra curricular activities. I was the Technical Director for Theatre South (the theatre program at Bloomington High School South) and our director/teacher had to take an emergency leave of absence for medical reasons during the pre-production phase of our winter show, The Crucible. The school was unable to find a semi-permanent replacement for her and we went through several different subs, all of which had very different views on how to run a show. This put me in a very stressful position, that despite my best efforts, I did not cope with well. I began missing classes in order to keep the show on schedule. My grades fell due to this and I was unable to catch back up in the spring. So far this year, I have not only caught back up with the rest of my classmates, but I have out scored many of them in difficult subjects like Finite Math, and Honors Physics. I am also involved in many other extra curricular activities, which you can see on the attached piece of paper. The activity that I’d like to point out is Boy Scouts. I finished my Eagle Scout last spring and I’m sure that you know that title of Eagle Scout is not a common one. It is not common because it is not easy to obtain. In order to earn this, the highest rank a boy scout can obtain, he must lead other youth in a service project. I personally did 135 hours of community service and led others to doing nearly 400 hours while working towards my Eagle Scout. Now that I’m 18, I’m an adult volunteer serving as an Assistant Scoutmaster to my old troop. I also volunteered as the Quarter Master for National Junior Leadership Conference last summer and plan on doing so again this year. My future plans are to hopefully attend IU and do a double major in Theatre and History. I then plan on doing my masters in Theatrical design. My career goal is to be a set designer. I have already begun my education in the technical aspect of theatre through my High School and through the local chapter of the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees (IATSE). IATSE provides all of the labor for the IU Auditorium and other non-student run venues in Bloomington. I have been working though them since last June and will continue to work with them for as long as I’m in Bloomington. I hope that I have given you a better understanding of myself and that you are now better able to make a fair decision on my admittance to IU.
J. Tyler DeLong
So, how badly have I shoot myself in the foot?
Edit: it won't let me put my indentations in at the beginning of the paragraphs...
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
To start with, I'd drop the first sentence. There's no need to bring up things that both the writer and the reader are aware of - personal statements are for new things - and it weakens the impact of your personal statement.
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I'd also drop the first sentence. Also, there are times when it is a bit too choppy for my tastes. You should also cut the last sentence. It suggests that they might otherwise be unfair.
Most importantly, you need to talk about WHY you want to go to IU. You say what you would like to do at IU, but not why IU is the school you chose. What is it about them that makes them a good fit.
You also talk about why your grades slipped, and about all your activities (ie: eagle scout stuff). You need to say how you will take what you learned, and apply it to your education at IU. How will your volunteer experience help you at IU? Did it make you a better leader? Will it help you to work on shows that the IU theater department has?
As for your future plans, don't say that they include "hopefully" attending IU. Your future plans are to attend IU, don't water it down with the word hopefully. It shows a lack of confidence.
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
Hopefully is a bad word anyway; it doesn't mean what people think it means. You are using it to mean 'I hope I can attend IU.' What it actually means is, 'While attending IU, I will be full of hope.' Academics tend to notice this kind of thing.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
First of all, if you want me to help you, try not to call me a Nazi.
OK, you discuss at length the distractions you had in your junior year. I would question why you allowed yourself to become so distracted from your school work. Could the Eagle project have waited another year? Why not? Why were your choices the appropriate ones? Did you learn more from your experiences than you could have possibly learned from hitting the books? What was it that you learned? And how is it relevant to your intended career as a college student.
Or, have you learned that you shouldn't allow yourself to become so distracted from your schoolwork? A lesson that you have taken to heart and will apply to your life at university as well?
posted
Don't state that the Eagle is hard to obtain, state why.
Also, you don't want your story to be "I had a hard time during my Junior year, that's why my grades suck", but "I had a hard time my junior year, these are the lessons I learned, and this is why it won't be repeated, and this is how I changed."
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote: The activity that I’d like to point out is Boy Scouts. I finished my Eagle Scout last spring and I’m sure that you know that title of Eagle Scout is not a common one. It is not common because it is not easy to obtain. In order to earn this, the highest rank a boy scout can obtain, he must lead other youth in a service project. I personally did 135 hours of community service and led others to doing nearly 400 hours while working towards my Eagle Scout.
Personally I would cut out the parts in bold. They surely know what an Eagle is and that not many scouts get it. It's one thing for you to list the facts about what you've done; that's important. But I think you should let the great things you've done speak for themselves, rather than feeling like you have to explain why it's so great that you did them.
I also agree that you should put something in about what you learned from the experience of having too much on your plate and letting your grades fall. They need to know if you've learned to balance your time better.
Posts: 1522 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
"Extracurricular" and "outscored" are both single words.
I would rewrite that part about how you did so poorly during your junior year. You put in way too much negative detail about your director and about your inability to cope. Accentuate the positives: you DID keep the show on schedule despite some major setbacks at the theater, and while your grades suffered that year, you have since managed to catch up to and surpass many of your classmates. Because of this, you learned some valuable lessons.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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quote:This put me in a very stressful position, that despite my best efforts, I did not cope with well.
The comma is in the wrong place, should be: This put me in a very stressful position that, despite my best efforts, I did not cope with well. Also:
quote:... I have not only caught back up with the rest of my classmates, but I have out scored many of them in difficult subjects like Finite Math, and Honors Physics.
has too many commas. You don't need one after "Finite Math" since your list only includes two classes. "... Finite Math and Honors Physics."Posts: 1522 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I can't tell if there are any paragraph breaks here, but as with forums, large chunks of text invariably make everyone's eyes glaze over. Smaller paragraphs they will find themselves reading more of it, even if they scan.
I agree that sections of the writing is choppy- you need to vary your sentence length and complexity more often. The Eagle Scout bit struck me as an example of your problem with that.
You should have more of a conclusion to your letter, instead of just ending your list of accomlishments. Someone said you should explain why IU is a University you want to attend... you should put that bit (which is very important) at the end to wrap up the letter. Think of it as a paper.
Dear Person Question: Why I should get into your college? Introduction to yourself, interests, the major you intend to take. Thesis: You should let me in because I'm awesome, because... Argument 1: I'm a talented person look at what I've done. Argument 2: I really want to go and I feel like I'd do really well there. I'm really looking forward to it. Conclusion. Your Name.
quote: I feel I need to explain my transcript and my less than impressive Junior Year.
Rephrase this as something more positive. And don't say "less than impressive." Also: do they care about your Grade 11 marks, because if they don't very much I wouldn't make it a big deal that they weren't good.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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