Honestly, I don't think that it is the most important issue in a relationship, but it is very important, and for other reasons that the reproductive impulse.
There is a level of closeness associated with sex between partners that you don't usually see outside of a sexual relationship. At least when it works right, that is (the relationship, nopt any specific physical parts ). There are a lot of people in modern society who think that sex is just a physical act, and that it can be shared with a number of people without diluting it's importance, but I have never seen it that way myself.
I have also seen most of the people I know who believe that get hurt time and time again because they think that way. Everyone gets hurt from time to time, of course, but I have seen that type of attitude destroy relationships, and have never seen it work out well in the long run.
posted
Because I am trying to make a survey of Hatrackers responses for an essay paper I am working on.
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posted
Sex is the glue that keeps a marriage together. Too much glue is messy; too little and everything falls apart.
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posted
I think sex is important in a relationship, not most important, but important. I think though it's important at a specific point in the relationship. I'd sort of agree with what Kwea said. I don't think of sex as just a physical act that can be done without diluting its importance. I think sex is sort of a culmination point in a relationship and it should be taken very seriously. So yes, sex is important.
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posted
Personally, I don't see any validity to the "sex=glue" argument for marriage. This is, EXACTLY, the argument that should and must suffer disdain.
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posted
I tend to see things in a context, Advent115 (<- context). That's just scruples, talking. What more would you like to know?
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posted
I'm going to guess that pont- is a root referring to bridges, e.g. pontoon.
Edit to add: Clod, I would argue that the *ability* to deny one's impulses may be an important part of what makes us human, moral, whatever, but that it is not the actual denial of the impulses all of the time which is important. Rather, it's knowing when one should indulge and when one shouldn't, and acting on that knowledge.
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posted
There is a moderately famous quote by a man named Herschel that says: "Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."
I think that clod's point concerns human dignity and its relation to the ability to abstain. There is a certain type of austere pride that comes with going without, but I don't think that that's healthy for the relationship.
I've always had an affinity to the understanding of sex as knowledge, and having sex is like sharing ones most intimate and fragile knowledge. It requires trust, attention, and affection to leave oneself that vulnerable. Its a bit of a romantic conception but I think it hits all the right notes.
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posted
You are just the kind of person I want responding to this thread Irami. And thank you for the quote.
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posted
I wrote out a piece of my thoughts on this in the "Christian Families" thread, but I suppose a different facet of it goes here.
We are not beings composed exclusively of mind or spirit. We have bodies and material form. We can't allow the one side, the body, to rule completely, and I think that touches on what clod is getting at. But neither can we neglect it entirely, because it is a part of us. And I'm using "sex" here as a shorthand; I believe that physical affection in general is important, and far more widely applicable.
Is sex important? For most people, yeah, I think it is. Is it the most important thing? Of course not. Should it be given free rein? Equally, of course not.
quote:I've always had an affinity to the understanding of sex as knowledge, and having sex is like sharing ones most intimate and fragile knowledge. It requires trust, attention, and affection to leave oneself that vulnerable. Its a bit of a romantic conception but I think it hits all the right notes.
posted
I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but it's important enough that I would never seriously consider entering into any sort of formal long term relationship that was going to include sex (either marriage or other) without, er, testing the vibe. It's not the most important thing to me in a caring romantic relationship, but before I commit I'd want to make sure we were sexually compatible. Not to get all TMI, but some combos just don't match, and if you're going unsatisfied, there WILL be unnecessary tension in the relationship. Either because parties involved will have to look elsewhere to fulfill a certain, er, desire/need, or because there is no fulfillment. And sexual fulfillment is important.
Actually, I'm going to stop there, because my full views about sex and relationships are probably not Hatrack-friendly. Many of my opinions are heavily influenced by
a R for language, sex, drugs, etc. sex advice column by Dan Savage, who rocks my world. VERY NOT KID SAFE (it's not so evident in the latest column, but most of the questions involve some serious kinkiness), but very useful I'd say. There are quite a few examples of the importance of sex in, out, forming, and destroying relationships.
edited to try and fix link, but I'm giving up after this try.
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posted
No, doing homework is not important. And definitely not math homework. Hatrack is an integral part of my life and I derive great pleasure from it, so I'm here instead of doing my homework.
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posted
I absolutely believe that sex is important, necessary in a relationship.
Sex is the ultimate human act, and can be everything from savage, hurtful even harmful to healing, loving and miraculous.
The ultimate human act you say? We live divided, body and soul, day and night, sleeping and awake etc. When two halves come together to make a whole it is the connection itself that has power, that can create life.
Many older cultures worshiped the act of sex as holy, as a way to attain a higher level of understanding, of being.
Beyond all that, it is (can be/should be) the ultimate acceptance of another person, to trust them with your nakedness, which culturally (personally?) is shameful, to trust them to love your body, and for you to love theirs.
Sex is a secret language between those who speak it, always behind everything else, there is that knowledge that the couple share something private and sacred.
It is that very seclusion, that sense of including only you and your mate in that private inner circle of alliance that make the other person so special. The knowledge (rightly, or wrongly) that you know who they -really- are, because they can only act so freely, so open in your arms.
posted
I think that sex/phsysical intimacy is as important to a relationship as people make it. To some, sex is a union of souls. To some, it's mainly an enjoyable way to play and bond with your mate. To others, it's all about physical gratification. How important sex is to a relationship depends on how the participants view sex.
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I would tell my personnal relationship. My dear love is still a virgin at 24. I am too. We met you after many discutions on a forum, on msn and an phone. Our relation is before all build on exchange and affection. We live in different countries, so we can be together each two weeks for the saturday and sunday. That's the context.
About sex, I feel good with my body. No stress or fear. But my love is not as ok than me. She is affraid about the pain of the first time. and she has a strong decency : she prefere the Darkness to be with me.
So, In these conditions, I can say that Sex is not a condition for love. For true love. Because I'm with her since three mounths and i don't want to change. She's so important for me. But, I must recognize that I have a sort of frustration. I need sex. She know it. But I don't want to make it without she feel ok for that. I go step by step to eliminate her fear and her distress.
To answer you, I think sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but the communication is . Nevertheless, i admit that sex is something that without it, the couple may break. Leave of sex is making many tentions really difficult to control.
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posted
I think that sex is a sacred thing, a deep physical and spiritual connection between two people... But I don't see a lot of people who think of it that way... As some form of union...
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posted
It depends on the relationship. Old-fashioned that I am, I really think that sex is best reserved for the married, and that it is an important part of the married relationship, but not for the unmarried one. So, what's the difference in the relationship if you get "a piece of paper"? You get a license to have sex. Makes the whole marriage deal seem a lot more worthwhile and relevant.
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posted
I think sex is as important as the partners in a relationship make it. The key, as in all other important aspects of a long-term, intimate relationship, is to seek compatibility. I don't mean that you should sleep around until you find someone who satisfies you. What I mean is that to have an intimate relationship, you have to find someone with a compatible worldview in all important ways, including sex. If one partner is more adventurous than the other, there will be problems unless they are both very understanding of one another and hold the other's needs as important as their own. Beyond that, I think anything goes, providing all partners consent, genuinely.
quote:Tante: So, what's the difference in the relationship if you get "a piece of paper"? You get a license to have sex. Makes the whole marriage deal seem a lot more worthwhile and relevant.
I think it's the opposite. I think a license to have sex is the least important aspect of getting married. I fear for any couple whose primary reason for the piece of paper is to be able to have sex legitimately. That seems to me to cheapen both the marriage and sexual intimacy itself.
quote:Kwea: There are a lot of people in modern society who think that sex is just a physical act, and that it can be shared with a number of people without diluting it's importance, but I have never seen it that way myself.
I have also seen most of the people I know who believe that get hurt time and time again because they think that way. Everyone gets hurt from time to time, of course, but I have seen that type of attitude destroy relationships, and have never seen it work out well in the long run.
I think sex is an important part of getting to know someone intimately. I think sexual integrity within a relationship is of great importance. However, I believe that sexual integrity is defined by the participants in an intimate relationship. I have seen several types of intimate relationships and have spoken openly with many of my friends about sex. I have known people with "open" relationships, couples who include certain friends in their intimacy, and couples who are self-described as strictly monogamous. Some of those couples are still together, some are not. From personal observation I can't say that less traditional attitudes about sex even correlate with a higher rate of breakups much less a cause of them. What does seem to be a deciding factor, in my experience, is whether all partners in an intimate relationship share a common point of view regarding sex and its role in the relationship.
I think a large part of the problem with many couples is a confusion of "intimacy" with "sex". A relationship can be sexual and even legally recognized as a marriage and not be particularly intimate. On the other hand, a relationship can be extremely intimate and not particularly sexual at all. The trick to building a lasting relationship is finding someone with a common philosophy regarding both sex and intimacy. Unfortunately it's hard to discover another person's true philosophy without first having some degree of intimacy and trust. Even more unfortunately, most people prefer to assume what the other person should be without ever trying to learn who they are.
What this means to me in terms of sex and relationships is that I'm a big fan of long engagements, co-habitation prior to marriage, and honest and safe sexual exploration.
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quote:What does seem to be a deciding factor, in my experience, is whether all partners in an intimate relationship share a common point of view regarding sex and its role in the relationship.
I quote myself, here, only to clarify that this sentence is intended only in the context of sex and its role in a relationship.
What I think is of paramount importance to a relationship is trust, honesty, and common goals. Almost any failure in a relationship can be traced to a failure of one of these three.
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quote:Originally posted by Advent 115: Why do you believe that clod?
OK, that made me laugh, even though I knew he was referring to a guy named clod.
I think it depends on the relationship. Basing a relationship on it isn't always a great idea, but it can definately add something to a good relationship. But wait until you're married! Posts: 880 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I think sex is a vital part of any relationship. In fact, it's so important that I've started sleeping with all my friends, relatives, pets, and any travelling salespeople that come through.
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posted
Most of the salespeople who come around here would be happy for the attention. I'm fairly certain they'd never leave. Maybe just the salespeople's pets?
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Sure, why not? I'm not that discerning, and if the relatioship's gonna go anywhere I'm gonna have to have sex with them eventually.
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In today's society I think the most important aspect of sex in a relationship is the communicational aspect. To be able to discuss a still embarrasing and taboo subject with a person shows definite commitment. When both partners work so that the other recieves the most pleasure, both recieve the most pleasure.
So if you believe in denial and abstinance are the hallmarks of a civilized person, then your sexual activities are few or non-existant. If your partner agrees than this is a good relationship. However, if your partner disagrees but makes themselves unhappy in order to submit to your definition of civilized, then the relationship is dangerously imbalanced.
Similarly if you believe in fun first, responsibility later, and don't care how cheap that makes sex, that is fine as long as your partner agrees. (THIS LEAVES HEALTH AND RELIGIOUS ISSUES ASIDE) However if they want something more from physical intimacy than a quick thrill, this relationship is dangerously unbalanced.
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
I agree with Dan who agrees wtih Carl who agrees with Irami who agrees with Kwea.
Damn if only this was 50 pages long I could get Genesis going here.
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posted
Sex is extremely important. If you are an adult human being, sexuality is an integral part of who you are. You cannot have a very good relationship until you address your sexuality, being honest with yourself and your partner. That doesn't mean you choose to be sexual with that person. It does mean you don't hide from your sexuality and sweep it under the rug.
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posted
I fear you question is too vague to really give a fair answer. This vagueness stems from the use of the word "relationships". There are many forms of relationships. Such as relationships between a brother and sister, two hetero friends of the same gender, polyamourous, monogamous and the like. Clearly there are some where sexuality is taboo and/or unlawful. And as I recall Ender entered in to a celibate marriage.
I would say that from a biological point of view we are imprinted with the need to continue the species. Due to genetic variances, some would feel the need greater or lesser, and even have triggers that would make actual reproduction impossible.
Do we say that the sex act itself brings us closer emotionally? Or that the reward for completing the act produces a chemical change in the brain that causes us to further bond with our partner? Spiritual, chemical, emotional?
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quote:Do we say that the sex act itself brings us closer emotionally? Or that the reward for completing the act produces a chemical change in the brain that causes us to further bond with our partner?
I think there is ample evidence that the answer to both of these questions is "No".
Many people have sex with no significant emotional attachment. Whatever the chemical changes, they do not always lead to bonding between partners. (Not to mention that solo-masturbation should presumably create the same changes) Therefore I submit that while sex can be a bonding experience, strengthening emotional ties, this arises from something outside the sex act itself. Perhaps the mindset of the participants?
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mph, it seems to me that Advent is only here to get input on general feelings. He's not asking us to write his essay for him.
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posted
I'll assume, Advent, that by "relationship" you are talking about a romantic relationship (dating or marriage, or something in that vein), and not, necessarily, the relationships that people develop with salespersons, pets, or some combination thereof.
That being said, I'd have to say, "Yes," sex is important to a relationship.
A long-term relationship without sex or intimacy devolves into a friendship, and then desolves into nothing. We are sexual beings (well, maybe not "clod," but I'll make this assumption for the rest of us). I don't know that I'd say we're driven by the need to create offspring, but maybe that's the "male" point of view. But sex provides a release, it provides pleasure, and when coupled with intimacy, passion and compassion, it provides a strong aspect of self-worth.
A marriage or other long-term romantic relationship without sex becomes a barren thing. You sense of value and self-worth plummet, regardless of your strength of character (or so I keep telling myself). Sex (and all the activities leading up to "it") provide for an affirmation of your value as a provider, and as a caring person.
I'm rambling. And bitter. But in all seriousness the book "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom," by John Gray gives an excellent (and I would say very accurate) picture of what a long-term romantic relationship without sex can mean to a person. His book is male-biased, but his observations on mens response to this situation are spot-on.
posted
I think the quality of your sex life is a good indicator of the health of your marriage. When feelings cloud objectivity, it can be hard to determine whether or not your relationship is doing well or if it has serious issues that need to be addressed. Denial is so easy....I remember distinctly thinking that there was nothing wrong with my first marriage, and only months later finding that we'd decided to divorce. In retrospect, it was easy to see how blind I was to the truth. But one thing I learned in premarital counselling prior to my second marriage was that your sex life can tell you whether or not there may be some issues you should address. The counsellor said that when sex is an issue, it's just a symptom of something bigger that once addressed and resolved will often solve the sex problems. I think that's true.
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