FacebookTwitter
Hatrack River Forum   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » Musings on Fear (mack I could use your input)

   
Author Topic: Musings on Fear (mack I could use your input)
Belle
Member
Member # 2314

 - posted      Profile for Belle   Email Belle         Edit/Delete Post 
I've been thinking about fear a lot lately. Mainly because I'm exhibiting an extreme amount of it, for me.

For instance, in the last couple weeks I've been plagued by nightmares. They usually have to do with something trying to kill me and can be related to something physical going on with me. Like, when I had strep throat and a terrible cough, I woke up once with my arms flailing, to fight off an attacker that I was certain was standing over me and taking my breath. Obviously, I was having trouble breathing from all the nastiness in my throat and I woke up good, coughed a bunch, took some medicine and tried to sleep again. Another time I was certain someone was stabbing me in the chest - it was right after my second port surgery and my chest was very painful and I probably just rolled over in the night and caused it to hurt.

But because of these nightmares, now I can't sleep alone with the lights out. How ridiculous and childish is that? If Wes is home, I'm fine. If he isn't, I have to leave a lamp on in the room. And I still have bad dreams.

I've also begun experiencing extreme feelings of apprehension and dread before I go to chemo. I've felt my heart begin to race when they prepare to access my port. It's just a needle stick. I've been stuck many, many times before and not acted like that. Monday I cried, after it was over, from the adrenaline, or from the pain (it was still very sore from the surgery) I don't know which.

And then they sent me home again, without giving me chemo because my white cells and platelets were too low. And, I needed another shot of Aranesp, which was another incident of me freaking out over getting stuck by a needle. I'm the one that takes needle sticks with complete calm. Never had a problem with it before, at lest not since I've been a grownup. My mom said I used to hyperventilate every time I got a shot as a kid, but since I've been an adult I've not had trouble with sticks at all. Now I'm terrified of them. Don't know why. The pain is there, yes, but it's very temporary. Getting worked up over it is worse than just taking the darn stick.

So...I wonder...is this all just because of the cancer? I mean, I wonder if it's just me reacting to the whole cancer=fear of death thing and finding an outlet by being frightened by the smaller things like needles. Kind of like the displacement I did with the first port surgery.

I do not want to take drugs. I stopped counseling for my depression and ADD more than a year ago and a couple months before the cancer diagnosis I was taken off medication. I did fine. No return of symptoms, I've not needed any medication since the diagnosis except the anti-anxiety meds the doc prescribed right before the surgery. I stopped taking those after the surgery.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I mean, I'm praying about it and I'm talking with friends and family and I'm doing my best in the doctor's office to breathe deeply and not get worked up. But I could use any advice for techniques to help me when I'm actually in the office, should I try doing something to take my mind off it, like reading or is it better just to close my eyes and try to focus on remaining calm?

Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BannaOj
Member
Member # 3206

 - posted      Profile for BannaOj   Email BannaOj         Edit/Delete Post 
So why aren't you taking the anti-anxiety drugs now? Seems like if you are feeling what you know to be irrational anxiety under extremely extenuating circumstances, taking them is quite logical.

AJ

(I mean just "not wanting to take them" given the level of extenuating circumstances, doesn't make sense to me... the extenuating circumstances will end, eventually, and going off them once the circumstances resolve is entirely different. Bottom line, if it's inhibiting your already impaired daily functioning further, you may are doing a disservice to both you and your family not to take them, ya'll are under enough stress as it is.)

Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Friday
Member
Member # 8998

 - posted      Profile for Friday   Email Friday         Edit/Delete Post 
I find that listening to soothing music often helps me relax. Of course, your results may vary, but you could try bringing a CD or MP3 player when you visit the doctor's office. You could also try leaving the radio or a CD playing softly when you go to sleep.

I hope you find something that helps you.
(((Belle)))

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ketchupqueen
Member
Member # 6877

 - posted      Profile for ketchupqueen   Email ketchupqueen         Edit/Delete Post 
Guided imagery and progressive relaxation have always helped me. Is there someone trained in hypnosis at the hospital who you could talk to about these techniques?
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
quidscribis
Member
Member # 5124

 - posted      Profile for quidscribis   Email quidscribis         Edit/Delete Post 
Meditation can help. Didn't work for me - I don't know how to relax - but it helps most people.

Belle, in regards to the sleep bit, been there. For decades. I sleep better now mostly because there's a friendly warm body in bed with me, and that's gone a long way towards easing a lot of anxiety. I always had nightlights - it was the only way I could sleep. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and swear there was someone there. Sometimes, I'd yell at them to get the hell out and all sorts of other things. Yeah, I've had all those nasty nightmares. The nightlights help to eliminate shadows, so instead of seeing the monster, I'd see the nightstand that it actually was...

For me, it was usually sleep terrors, which, if I recall correctly, is what happens when you're jarred out of stage 3 or 4 or REM sleep into stage 1. Stage 1 is that stage where you can't tell the difference between awake and asleep too well and hallucinations and things happen.

It's possible that sleeping pills would help, but I would really urge you to discuss this with your doctor.

In terms of the needle thing, I learned a long time ago that my best method of dealing with it is to hugely distract myself, whether that means reading a book or listening to music or forcing myself to concentrate on a conversation with the lab tech (they were really good natured about that - I think a lot of people do that). Then it wasn't so bad.

I feel for you. [Frown] I hope this gets better soon.

Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Theaca
Member
Member # 8325

 - posted      Profile for Theaca   Email Theaca         Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with AJ. You already have diagnoses of depression and anxiety, you are under high stress and demonstrating many symptoms. If the techniques you've learned from your counsellor aren't working, then give me a good, rational reason why you can't go back on drugs for the next 6-8 months.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Belle
Member
Member # 2314

 - posted      Profile for Belle   Email Belle         Edit/Delete Post 
I guess there isn't one, I'm not really anti-drug, they helped me bunches before. The main reason is I'm just not interested in putting more drugs in my body right now. It seems like all I do is pop pills lately. Pills for pain, pills for nausea.

I know that you've told me, as has my doctor, that anti-depressants and anti-anxieties don't interfere with chemo drugs, but it just seems like I'm putting an awful lot of pharmaceuticals in my body right now and it seems it would be healthier not to add anything else to the load my body is trying to cope with.

I do plan on calling and seeing if I can start seeing my therapist again. It will be difficult to get in to see her, though because she cut down her hours and now only works two days a week.

Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kayla
Member
Member # 2403

 - posted      Profile for Kayla   Email Kayla         Edit/Delete Post 
Stress can negatively affect your treatment and recovery.

Think about it that way. You are overly stressed and because of that, your body is less able to heal. You take the anti-anxiety pills and help negate the "deleterious effects on the immune system" that stress hormones can cause.

And exercise. That helps reduce the same stress hormones also.

quote:
It's well known that chronically high levels of stress hormones (like adrenaline) suppress the immune system and reduce the body's ability to defend or repair itself. That's why many cancer centers and hospitals have begun offering stress reduction therapy along with traditional cancer treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation. Meditation, visualization, yoga, and other relaxation techniques may help bolster your immune system and assist in fighting the effects of the cancer. Talk to your doctor or nurse about using these techniques in conjunction with your regular treatment.
You want to be able to finish the chemo, right? It's possible that if you take your anti-anxiety meds you could reduce your stress hormones which could bolster your immune system.

Hope you feel better. [Frown]

Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shanna
Member
Member # 7900

 - posted      Profile for Shanna   Email Shanna         Edit/Delete Post 
If you don't want to go the route of medication, therapy seems like a good option.

Since anxiety is all about irrational fear, I've found it really helpful to have an educated unbiased second perspective to help identify the root of the problem and then suggest methods to help cope. Stress managing tools are helpful for the anxious and non-anxious. It sounds very possible that you're dealing with the overwhelming big fear of death by dividing it into multiple little irrational fears that have nothing to do with the main problem. But irrational fears grow and multiply so it can be more exhausting to live with little fears than comfronting what is really eating at you.

I've found that avoiding the cause of anxiety is never a good way to go. I used to be very found of daydreaming or reading as a way to take my mind off whatever fear was working in my mind. But when you finish with your distraction the fear will still be there.

When you suddenly feel anxious without apparent cause, start a internal dialogue and ask yourself "why am I anxious?" Irrational fears aren't like being afraid of heights while standing on a cliff. Rational fears keep us alive, irrational ones make us sick. Locate the harmful worries and deal with them.

Everyone's method is different though and that's why I recommend seeing a trained counselor/therapist/pyschologist.

Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tante Shvester
Member
Member # 8202

 - posted      Profile for Tante Shvester   Email Tante Shvester         Edit/Delete Post 
Poor honey! It sounds just awful! But I really think that medications can ease your painful anxiety. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Have them do a nice check up with bloodwork and all (and, hey, they can draw it from your shiny new port!), to see how your thyroid and blood sugars are doing. You may have a physiological cause for your symptoms that "toughing it out" won't resolve. Then you can get the problem treated.

I NEVER sleep with the lights out. I'm not afraid of the dark or anything, but I need to care for my husband during the night (he's completely paralysed and dependant on a ventilator to breathe), and I like to be able to get up and see what the problem is right away. And if the lights are out, I can't see, and if I turn them on, I am blinded because I haven't accommodated to the light. So I keep a small bedside lamp on all night. And I'm no wuss.

So I give you permission to sleep with the lights on, too, without worrying about wussiness.

Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
peterh
Member
Member # 5208

 - posted      Profile for peterh   Email peterh         Edit/Delete Post 
Belle, My sister in law finished chemo 4 months ago. I know that there were periods of time she took Ativan specifically as a sleep aid. It's normaly used for anti-anxiety, but worked well for her to help her sleep. I'm not saying it's the right thing for you (talk to your doctor) but it sure sounds like your having similar symptoms to what she was experiencing.

Remember, if your brain isn't producing the chemicals in the proper amount, there's nothing wrong with medicating to help that. It's no differnt than if your chemo was causing you to be temporarily diabetic. You'd take insulin to balance it.

Make your own decisions, but do what you need to do to keep yourself as healthy as possible.

Best of luck.

And sweet dreams...

Posts: 995 | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Rabbit
Member
Member # 671

 - posted      Profile for The Rabbit   Email The Rabbit         Edit/Delete Post 
Belle, I'm so sorry! I understand your concern about taking one more drug right now. In truth, no one really knows what happens when you start combining lots of drugs. I suspect that enought people on chemotherapy have taken anti-depression or anti-anxiety medication to know that there are no acute problems, but no one has studied what long term effects there might be. Its not irrational for you to want to find a solution to this besides drugs.

Considering all the things that are going on right now, I think its really likely that therapy will be able to help. If I were you, I'd be trying really hard to supress my fears about the cancer and think about anything but that. I can just see those fears then resurfacing all over the place. If a therapist can help you deal with your fears about the cancer, then maybe the misplaced fears you've got will come under control.

Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
password
Member
Member # 9105

 - posted      Profile for password           Edit/Delete Post 
nothing to offer here but my best wishes for recovery and an acknowledgement that I can't imagine what you are going through...

take care, ma'am.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mackillian
Member
Member # 586

 - posted      Profile for mackillian   Email mackillian         Edit/Delete Post 
*hug*

You're using the skills you learned during your therapy right now. You're identifying the irrational source of your fears. At this time, the appearance of these symptoms isn't a surprise. It's terrifying, depressing, frustrating, all those things.

I also remember how you were when you started taking your adderall during your therapy. How focused you were, how settled you felt, how you felt to be on an even keel. Content.

There's been a lot of good points made already. The thing is, when things are okay, you've got all the capabilities to deal with stuff.

But the other thing is that what you're dealing with right now is outside the realm of normal human experience. By that, I mean not everyone has to deal with having cancer. And it's hard. You've got the skills and knowledge to deal with some of this stuff that's cropping up that you've seen before. Cancer is the enemy you don't know, but anxiety and depression are two beasts you've beaten before. Since you're dealing with an even larger enemy, grabbing a couple things in your arsenal to smack down the two you've beaten before is completely understandable.

Get therapy. Get back on the meds. Then snap up the vorpal sword and beat the crap out of the jabberwock. That way, you're playing on your own terms, you're choosing to take control of some of the things that are haunting you.

Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Belle
Member
Member # 2314

 - posted      Profile for Belle   Email Belle         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks guys. I did better last night, no problem falling asleep, no bad dreams.

I do still have a prescription active that can be refilled, and I can go back on my anti-depressants with just a call to my psychiatrist.

I'm just tired of taking drugs, any drugs. Maybe becasue it's so different with chemo. You're not taking drugs to make yourself feel better or help heal you, you're taking drugs that will do their best to beat your body down. And they're succeeding, by the way. I got turned away for chemo again this week because my platelets, white and red cells were all too low.

I find myself wishing for the energy to go to the grocery store and that's a very frustrating place to be. I feel trapped in the house, not because I couldn't go somewhere if I wanted to but because I don't have the energy or strength to leave.

[Wall Bash] [Wall Bash]

It's annoying. [Mad]

Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BannaOj
Member
Member # 3206

 - posted      Profile for BannaOj   Email BannaOj         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
you're taking drugs that will do their best to beat your body down. And they're succeeding, by the way.
While yes it's more pills, and I'm sorry [Frown] all more reason to take the drugs that counterbalance the way those physical effects drain your mind too.

*hugs*

AJ

Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
peterh
Member
Member # 5208

 - posted      Profile for peterh   Email peterh         Edit/Delete Post 
maybe work on channeling some of that [Mad] and use the adrenaline to make it to the market. [Wink]

Or maybe you just need a big:

YOU CAN DO IT!!! [Party]

Hang in there...

Posts: 995 | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mackillian
Member
Member # 586

 - posted      Profile for mackillian   Email mackillian         Edit/Delete Post 
Belle, they're also, as I'm sure you know, beating the cancer down if there are any of those wayward cells left inside you. Like fighting off a virus or bacteria, the rest of your body also takes a beating. Chemo is, in some way, making you better. Except with chemo, it's not as tangible as other medicines.

I'm sorry your body chemistry is sucking. [Frown]

Want me to stab it?

Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
clod
Member
Member # 9084

 - posted      Profile for clod   Email clod         Edit/Delete Post 
Belle,

Here's a good dream...

[ ___ ]

I didn't have time to wrap it, and it sounds a little hollow if you shake it too vigorously. Nevermind. It's underlined for the sake of the good stuff.

get well.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2