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Paul and I are in the process of furnishing or starting to furnish our apartment. It is the first nice place I have ever had so I am really excited about it. We had previously agreed on a furniture budget. I fully intend/ed to stay within that budget. He was being a typical boy and said he didn't have any preference how I decorated it as long as I stayed within the budget and it was comfortable.
So, I have been scouring around looking for deals and stuff I like for several weeks now. Out of nowhere, one of his coworkers offered to let him have all of her old furniture for free because she was moving and didn't want to take it with her. This is where conflict ensued. I don't hate the furniture but it isn't what I would have picked out. Paul though now suddenly hates everything I was looking at buying and is head over heels in love with the new furniture. I know that he just loves that it is free. It is super frustrating to me.
We agreed on a budget and I am doing my part on staying within it. I just don't see why we need this furniture just because it is free. I have offered to use some of the wedding money or take back a couple of more expensive gifts that we don't really need to help with the cost of the furniture but that didn't sway his mind at all. I get so cranky that things like "cute" hold no value to him so he won't see it as having value to me. I now understand why people say the first year of marriage is a challenge.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
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Being a guy, al beit a young one, I can sympathize with your husband. I honestly don't understand where you are coming from. I see it, but I don't get it. I'm not saying you're wrong. Since you're a woman, you are almost assuredly right. But bear with him ... we just don't get it. Chances are very good he honestly does not see what the big deal is. He's not trying to be frustrating. I'm sorry we are so dull. Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Yeah I could compromise. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with the furniture. I have no real issues with it other than it just isn't what I would have picked out on my own. I just had this vision of our new place looking all cute and people coming to visit and it reflecting my tastes. I dislike that if we used this furniture people would just see that we got what was available for free rather than what I really liked. I guess I should work on being openminded and see if there is at least parts that I could like. I just really had my heart set on finding stuff I really loved.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Hm, instead of keeping some of the pieces and buying others to supplement, why don't you just take the free furniture, and then sell it, and use the money towards what you really want?
Just toss it all in the front yard and throw a yard sale sign up. Charge 50 bucks for the bigger pieces or just take best offers. Maybe you could get a couple hundred dollars out of it, and your husband would be more malleable on the subject of buying new furniture.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
That's silly! It's free stuff, but that doesn't mean she has to want it! This is why I try to stear clear of DVD deals at video stores -- those 3 for $25 type dealies? Because INEVITABLY there's only one movie I want. But i REALLY want to take advantage of a deal like that. So i end up buying two more movies I couldn't care less if I owned.
I <3 Lyrhawn's idea. I would think that selling stuff that you got free would greatly appeal to guys!
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
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To help him empathize, think of something he takes pride in (his car, stereo, game console, haircut, etc.) Have him imagine that he did not have that valued thing, yet. You and he agreed that you would get a car for a certain budget and you didn't really care about which car as long as he stayed within the budget. He begins looking for his dream car. Then you come home and say that you have a friend that offered you her old car (a Ford stationwagon)for free. Now, you just want to take the car and no longer want him to spend money on his dream car.
He'll get it conceptually then.
Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I don't know that it's okay to just sell the free stuff. It seems like the coworker is offering it as something nice becuase they need furniture, and that she would be selling it herself otherwise. I don't know, it just seems wrong to me.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
You're young. This is your first year of marriage. Gratefully accept the free stuff but tell you husband you want to either use the budgeted money for other areas of house decoration (like curtains, paint, bedding, carpet, etc), or alternatively put it in a separate saving account for "future home decorating", add to it, and in a few years replace the free stuff with stuff that you really want then.
Trust me, I know I'm a guy, but decorating stuff is fairly important to me (maybe it's the gay gene ) so I'm not just going the cheapest route here. Also, your tastes will inevitably change in the next 5 to 10 years. At that point you'll probably be looking at what you might have purchased on a tighter budget today wishing you could just chuck it all and buy new then. But at that point, if you've made do with the free stuff, you'll be armed with a more mature taste and a more mature budget.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote: I just had this vision of our new place looking all cute and people coming to visit and it reflecting my tastes.
Warning! Danger! I know Paul said he didn't care, but this is one of those times where you need to show more consideration for him than he is advocating for himself. Even if you're doing all the decorating, you should try to make the place reflect both of you. This isn't a doll house, it's your and Paul's home.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
The thing about compromise is that both sides have to compromise. In his mind, if you accept the free furniture, where does the budgeted money go? Back into the general budget? Is there something else that is important to you that you've agreed to forgo for now because of money? I could see accepting the furniture if you then used that money for something else that was important to you, or if you did as KarlEd suggested and used it on other decorating or put it aside earmarked for better furniture later. And I agree with dkw's comments as well. . . I understand that you want your place together to be nice and what you've always dreamed of, but the word "cute" worries me. No guy wants to live in cute, and this could be a way for him to escape it without having to tell you that he really doesn't like what you've been picking out, because he knows you'll blame it on him being cheap.
I really think this signals that you need to talk more with Paul, both about the decorating and the money. I totally don't think you need to just give up and take the free stuff and put the money back into the general budget, but you do need to accept that there might be other stuff going on here.
Added: And Tresopax, that last line of yours comes off as condescending drek. The space you live in is a lot more important to some people than others. If she's going to be miserable living in a home with furniture someone else picked out, then yes, it is important. Our personal space is a reflection of us. Mine says I'm a slob, and that's fine by me. But if I felt like I was being forced by a significant other to live in a home decorated in knock-off french antiques when I'm an art deco kind of girl, then yeah, I'm not going to be happy about it. But maybe the real issue is he hates art deco, and we can find peace with 50's modern.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Why not use the money set aside for furniture to start your nest egg for a downpayment on a house. Then you can have a real 'nice' place. Your own home!
Posts: 317 | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
I agree with dkw's comment, too. And I think it's also another reason to forego spending much money on furniture right now, especially when there is free furniture available. If you give yourself time to get to know one another's tastes, it will (depending on your personalities, maturity, and sense of compromise) be easier to make your future replacement of the free furniture with something you both will like in the long run. /my 2 cents
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
To me it is not an issue of whether it would be more frugal to save for better furniture later. That makes sense and maybe they as a couple will decide to do that in the end.
What I see as the issue is that they as a couple decided together on a plan, and now one partner wants to unilaterally change the plan. A renegotiation can take place, but first they need to understand each other and why they feel as they feel.
That is why I think she should first get him to see her point of view by drawing an analogy to his car, or whatever. Then, she needs to understand why he would prefer to use the free furniture. Once they understand each other and have carefully considered their options in light of their new circumstances, they can agree on a new plan or to stay the course of their original plan.
Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Wow, I never expected this many people to care.
First on the word cute. I put it in quotes because it really was meant as a joke. Paul teases me all the time that I get sucked in on the aesthetic appeal of cute things. I am not just decorating it in pink and florals. The things I had picked out were in gender neutral colors and woods. I also didn't just pick stuff out all by myself. He said he didn't care but I would still show him everything I liked and if he seemed especially ambivalent about something I moved onto the next something.
He has already offered to let me use the money to buy things that I wanted if I didn't use it for furniture. I know some of you suggested that as an alternative. The thing is, if I had money to spend at this point I would spend it on furniture. Its what I really want the most at this point.
About the future house money, it is hard for me to get behind that idea at this point in time fully. We are a long ways from buying a house in the area we live in. Even starter homes are over 150,000 in safe areas and are furniture budget was small to begin with. Its not like I was planning on spending 10,000 on furniture. Its not likely to make a dent in a house and I really don't want to live with furniture I only don't mind for the next 10 years.
I am leaning towards picking out the stuff from the coworker that I like the most and seeing if she would prefer we take it all and donate what we can't use or if she would like us to just to chose that which we can use. If that leaves us with leftover money, I'll put it in an account earmarked for future home necessities. Paul seems to find this at least more agreeable then simply declining the coworkers offer.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Take the free stuff, sell what you don't want, and start replacing the free stuff with your choices a piece at a time.
That's how I'm decorating my house. I started with hand-me-down furniture, and as I saw good deals on stuff I slowly upgraded. The old sofa went from the living room to the sitting room, and the old chair went from the living room to my bedroom. Remember also that there's more to your decorating than just furniture. Wall hangings can be not that expensive, as can paint and drapes. End tables and coffee tables can be bought used and refinished, or bought unfinished and stained/painted in the color of your choice.
So your place won't be filled with your perfect furniture from day one -- that's ok. It's still your place, and the furniture is the stuff you picked out, even if it's free. You chose it. But I'd just have the few pieces you use be a stopgap measure while you save for what you really want. Good furniture is expensive, but it lasts a long time.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I was prohibited from making changes to my home decor until we closed on my condo. Now that we have, I am very slowly making changes.
When I moved in, the furniture left here for me consisted of: a very old beige couch, a stack of black box things that make a cool-looking tv stand, a "desk" that consists of two shelves with a piece of colored formica placed across them, and a coffee table that's supposed to fold out to be bigger, but one of the foldy arms is missing.
Little by little, I'm working on personalizing the place. It takes time, though. See if you can find any cool wall hangings! I found this huge wall clock at Target the other day, and I am SO going back to buy it when I get my tuition refund.
Oh, and if there's a couch, and you don't like the color, you can always put a blanket or something over it. I had to do that; I'm allergic to this couch.
posted
If you live in a larger city you might try looking on Craigslist for furniture especially if you don't mind slightly used. There are some really good deals out there for stuff that is less than a year old.
Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2005
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) so I'm not just going the cheapest route here. Also, your tastes will inevitably change in the next 5 to 10 years. At that point you'll probably be looking at what you might have purchased on a tighter budget today wishing you could just chuck it all and buy new then. But at that point, if you've made do with the free stuff, you'll be armed with a more mature taste and a more mature budget.
