posted
Ok, I'll stop. Want me to delete my previous guesses? (though I can't delete the other people's posts who quoted me.)
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
This is hatrack, which is a fairly small venue, people will know who said it, and you should assume this before you send it to this address.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
That's true and I didn't think about that. Thanks, breyerchic. The other forum I'm on is significantly smaller and only a small number of the secrets are guessable. I just assumed that this forum would be the same.
If anyone doesn't want to participate for this reason or others, I totally understand.
Also, in such a close-knit community, I'm definitely a newbie and somewhat of an outsider, so I can see people not feeling comfortable with me moderating this. If there is a problem, please contact me.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm not really comfortable with the whole idea. It's a small enough community that it can't be truly anonymous, I'm sure at least some people are turning in made up things, and it seems to me to be a recipe for hurt feelings to have something like this that some people are taking seriously and others aren't.
But having said that, if other people find it fun it's not really my place to rain on the parade. Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Also, Celaeno, my feelings on it have nothing to do with you personally. I'd think it was just as bad an idea if one of our longest-term members had started it.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
That's the thing, though. Everyone chooses to participate or to not participate and what they want to reveal. If they want to keep it light-hearted, that's fun. If they want to keep it serious, that's great too.
Goodness, I hadn't realized such a thread would incite drama.
To anyone else with a problem, please contact me through my the forum mail link. I'm completely willing to discuss thing, but I find comments sent through the anonymous mail that say, "This thread is inappropriate and leads to a cliquishness that is unnecessary. Hopefully a janitor will be by to clean it up," rather silly. I'm not going to get upset by talking to you directly. And I'd prefer to hear why you find it inappropriate and cliquey than just that you do. Let's dialogue.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Celaeno, your e-mail isn't visible. The only way anyone is able to mail you is through the forum mail link.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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As is Sake, and one that's clearly linked to Hatrack - hence my distaste with what was said there in the first place.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
If nobody minds, I'm going to keep posting the secrets I've received. I don't want to be unfair to the people who have already sent secrets.
There's only one I'm not posting. I'm refraining because, given our location, I didn't find it appropriate.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm not kama, but I believe that she meant it's not behind Celaeno's back, because it is a public forum, and if she reads it, she does.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Quite. If I didn't want Celaeno to see something I posted, I wouldn't have posted it.
edit: the only reason I posted there in the first place was so as not to de-rail this thread while I figured out what, if anything, I wanted to say about it here.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote: I'm not kama,(which is why I don't wear bikinis) but I believe that she meant it's not behind Celaeno's back, because it is a public forum, and if she reads it, she does.
posted
Right, breyer. There are many things I will never, ever post anywhere on the internet for that reason. If you put anything on the internet expecting it not to be read, you are a blockhead.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I read the thread as a way to get something off your chest without actually having to fess up to it or create a new thread by itself with a new nick. For encouragement in some cases or just a way to express a feeling. I assume that no one would put something truly devestating on, because, as was already pointed out, it's an awfully small community and could be easy to figure out who wrote what. OTOH, I also made a concerted effort not to speculate who might have written what, largely out of respect for the writer who obviously *wants* to be anonymous.
I appreciate some of the thoughts shared already, especially the one I responded to, because I often feel the same way and have to remind myself to take care.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
My concern, for what it's worth, is not that the people sending secrets might be figured out. They made the choice, it's their decision, and to some extent at some level they want their secret to be known. That's fine, and understandable. I've sent things to postsecret, and it's a wonderful feeling, to just give it away.
My concern is for the people reading the thread wondering "Is that my wife? Is that my friend? Is s/he trying to tell me something? Was I meant to read this?" You'd like to think, of course, that the secrets are secret from people not on hatrack -- that it's not a woman who's husband posts or lurks here that said that the butterflies are gone. But, you can't know. And it probably never entered her mind that it might make men other than her husband question if their relationship is really as sound as they thought it was, but I bet it has. And you'd like to say, well, then he should just ask his wife. But she sent it as a secret, right? If she wants it to be a secret and has been keeping it from him as a secret, why would she tell the truth if asked? At least, if I was a married man with a young child who's wife posts or lurks here, that's what my paranoid mind would be going through. And look how many secrets already have said they're sure no one here likes/respects them? Self-doubt is a lot more prevailant than you tend to think.
That's what I meant when I said hatrack is too small for this. Not that people will figure out who's telling secrets. But that someone will send one that hits a little too close to home for someone else, and unintentionally cause anguish. Something on Post Secret would have to be awfully specific for me to think it might be someone I know. Here, I pretty much know all these secrets belong to someone I've at least heard of. Lots of potential for hurt feelings, and not because of any sort of cliquishness, as far as I'm concerned.
That said, I'm not asking you to stop posting them, or people to stop sending them. But I am asking people to consider their secrets, and if it's one that has the potential to cause harm to others through misunderstanding, write it on a postcard and send it to Post Secret. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I think there is power in this. I think it's a good thing. I think rather than hurting, it's much more likely that a couple might start a discussion based on one of these secrets, and become closer and more loving because of it. Suddenly, things that can't be said can be said. Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:I posted the now apparently notorious butterfly secret. I am sorry if I caused anyone any pain, confusion or anguish. I just wanted to get something off my chest that I've had a hard time even admitting to myself. I didn't mean to have people wonder about their own situations or get up in arms over this. I didn't think it was that bad as far as secrets go. I'm not having an affair or doing anything illegal. I thought it was pretty tame. jeniwren, I do appreciate hearing it's not just me and that things do get better with effort. I thought this was a good idea because Hatrack is a small place where people care and may be able to give people some hope or insight unlike at Postsecret. Ya'll try not to beat it to death. Just see where it goes and don't take every post as it's coming from someone you know. jeniwren made me feel better, who can you help?
posted
I am sure it's occurred to other people (as it has occurred to me) how interesting it would be to take on the persona of someone else and write in what I think they really would say -- or, perhaps, what I think they should say.
Would so-and-so confess a hidden insecurity? Would whosit admit to really wanting this other torrid thing?
Given a subtle touch, I'm betting I could imply that someone most people would think they recognize had deep, dark, sordid Secret X. And where's the harm, since the implied person's name never actually came up?
Heh. Well, it's tacky. Mean-spirited. Intentionally snide and cruel. And I'm not going to be doing it, even though I wonder if anyone else already has.
That is, I'm reading all of these with a mildly interested eye but a definite eyedrop of saltwater. I think we all should, actually.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
PS: I'm not too troubled about this thread being here, and I think the original poster has perfectly good intent. The thread may well do people some good, and that would be great.
I just wanted this other perspective out there, too, as a potential filter for the reader. And now that I've gone and outed myself as a person to whom such things occur, well, there it is.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I think this thread is a fine idea, and that the secrets are real. And that this forum, at 9000+ members(not counting unregistered lurkers who can also participate) is plenty big enough for anything said to be anonymous. If you think a secret is aimed at you, whether it is or isn't, I agree with ak(a first for everything! ) that the lines of communication could stand to be opened.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
If anywhere near 9000 people were regulars of the forum I'd agree with you, Frisco, but the active community is really pretty small. I've never tried to count it, but I'd guess that we don't have more than...oh, say 150 people that post here more than once a month.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
It's not just the people who post, regularly or not, or are even registered here that necessarily need to get something off their chest anonymously.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
True, but I would guess that the vast majority of the people sumbitting secrets are part of the subsection of the registered members who post here at least once a month. Do you not think so?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I think for every person who posts on this forum daily there are ten who read daily and don't post.
And ten more who read daily and aren't even registered.
Which are likely to feel most comfortable about spilling their guts anonymously? Hard to say. But I wouldn't assume that a vast majority of the secrets so far are from regulars.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:I've never been in love. I'm trying to figure out whether I'm attracted to my best friend. I think if I knew, it'd be a lot easier to figure out how best to proceed. But I don't, so I can't even talk to aforementioned best friend about it. I'm confused, and it's very frustrating.
posted
I was hoping that this thread wouldn't get derailed, but it looks a bit too late for that. Now is as good a time as any to address what's been said so far.
First of all, let me apologize. I had no intention for this secret thing to take this turn. Honestly, I'm shocked that it had this effect. This thread exists in on my other forum and that was a generally positive experience for all who participated. It was my mistake for assuming that the people here were like the people there. It was an oversight on my part, and for that I'm sorry.
Then there's the other part of this. It's one thing to feel uncomfortable with the idea of the thread. That I completely understand. It's a completely different thing to accuse me of making up secrets. What, exactly, would be my goal in doing this? I hadn't realized that I'd given anyone the impression that I was the sort of person who was untrustworthy or would start this to get attention. I'm not sure where that sentiment comes from; is it just because you don't know me well so you're assuming the worst?
I don't mean to sound defensive, but I am a little surprised. And I'm certainly not implying that most of you think this way about me. I'm incredibly grateful to the many of you who have either stood up for me or have conducted your discussion civilly.
Let me just say that the only secrets I wrote myself were my own. There were two. I have posted every secret sent to me as it was sent except for the offensive one and another that seemed like its intent was to get the thread deleted (forgive me if it was not). My word probably isn't good enough for the people who already don't believe me, but it's all I have to offer.
That said, until the general Hatrack population says that this is a bad idea or stops participating, I will keeping it going for those who get something out of it. Aside from that one anonymous email I posted above, no one has contacted me privately with concerns.
With these last three, I have posted all secrets I have received so far. If the thread ends now, I'll be a little sad because I thought it would be good for some of us, but I will not try to revive it. Once people stop sending in secrets, I'll let it quietly die.
Thank you to those who have posted. Thank you to those who found this exercise valuable. Thank you especially to those of who very kindly stated your concerns in the thread. You know this community better than I, and I'm sure your advice to potential sharers was invaluable. There are things people should think about before submitting secrets that I didn't think about, and I appreciate your advice. (ElJay, jeniwren, and Claudia particularly come to mind.)
I didn't mean to cause drama, and I certainly didn't mean to cause pain.
posted
Don't confuse someone pointing out a possibility with someone making an accusation. Prudence demands that possibilities be explored in a semi-annonymous internet setting. I choose to take what I read at face value, for the most part, until I have some reason to suspect otherwise. However, I also try to keep in mind that I could be deceived.
That said, I don't have any problem with this thread as it is intended, or really even as it has played out so far. I would hate to see it become a negative.
This thread, by nature of this community, though, will be different from PostSecrets. For someone to post here, they aren't simply annonymously expressing their secret or unburdening themselves to the aether. If they wanted to do that, PostSecret is a far better option due to the more perfect chance at annonymity. To post a secret here, people are specifically confessing to this community, which by nature of being smaller adds the benefit of a somewhat greater sense of confession to peers, but also runs the risk of creating more and bigger ripples, intended or not. Also, posts that mention people by name obviously compound this. To use the secret with my name as an (albeit trivial) example, the poster would have to be very naive to expect I wouldn't read it, so I have to assume they knew I would. This, of course, means that they probably knew it would provoke some sort of reaction in me, and maybe even expected it to. I have no idea exactly what reaction is expected, or considered. A few of the ones I can think of are:
1. It's a joke to get a laugh out of the forum. (If so, no big deal. I don't mind being the brunt of this particular joke).
2. It's a joke to get me wondering who it might be who posted it. (I am curious, but not enough to try to find out.)
3. It's serious and the poster is trying to tell me something. (There are many possibilities here, but no way to narrow them down so it's a moot issue.)
But my point is, I can't help but wonder about it. In this way I've been drawn into something that could potentially make me uncomfortable (for the record, it really doesn't), but if this were something darker it might. If someone, even innocently and as a joke, were to have hit closer to home on something I'm insecure about, it could potentially make the forum very uncomfortable for me. (Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is open to interpretation). My point is, there are so many variables that it can be difficult to judge. And we all know there are people who would just LOVE to take advantage of such ambiguity to stir up contention.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote:It's a completely different thing to accuse me of making up secrets. What, exactly, would be my goal in doing this?
My first post was very unclear, so let me say this: I don't believe you are making up secrets. I also don't believe you aren't making up secrets. I don't know you well enough, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I do believe that some of the secrets you've posted are fake, though. While I could believe that the majority of secrets you've posted are true, there's not a single one that I trust to be true.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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