posted
This is a painful topic for me. I am a lonely person. However, recent events have encouraged me to share this problem and accept advice from others, because clearly I know nothing useful about love and relationships.
As a twenty-one year old, I have never had a serious relationship. I have had a series of flirtations, some physical expression of affection, cuddling, kissing and physical closeness. This is rare for me though, and has only happened with a few women, and always early on in our aquantance.
I think I am a very well liked person. I am outgoing, always talking to everyone and full of jokes and smiles and good humor in the worst of circumstances. I am the kind of person who everyone remembers, even if I don't remember them; in every new encounter, I aim to make my new friend laugh and feel good.
Herein lies the difficulty in my relationships. On first meeting I present a personality which promises to be full to bursting with interesting and witty talk, and an exciting spontaneity. I am that way most when I meet people, but once I get comfortable with them, I would rather reveal a different part of myself: a quieter self which doesn't have all the answers, but only questions and quiet reflective moments. My real friends are ussually people who didn't gravitate to me on first meeting, but rather got to know my many moods over time, and learned that I am changeable in personality, and sensitive to criticism. These forgiving and open souls are my real true friends, who understand me so well, that I often wonder how I could be so lucky.
So I am a person who takes some getting used to. This is really just fine for my personal friends, who seek out my company just as I seek theirs. But what about relationships? What about love?
Its the same problem again with love isn't it? I am not an extremely attractive person. I am not the manliest of men, but I am tall and strong, and healthy looking. When I meet people, I sense that they get a picture of a person who is full of excitement and enthusiasm; and though I am full of these things, I feel that it is easiest to display them to people I don't even know. I am the ultimate people pleaser, like my father, I am a born politician and a diplomat, revealing nothing of myself, except which I calculate will please the person I am meeting.
The problem I always run into is: the girl (or woman lately) who expresses interest in me always finds out that when I am honest and calm, I am not always the same people pleasing friend to all that I appear to be. First impressions are what I am good at, but the first impression which is so promising of one who is full of excitment and intrigue, can be bitterly dissapointing when it comes down to a real relationship, and I find I am hardly as interested as I thought I would be.
In part I think this is all a plot on my part to sabotage any closeness I might feel with another person. I often feel that any woman who would want to be with an imperfect soul like me is somehow defective. If she is too good to be wrong, then I have misled her, and our relationship is a lie I can't live up to, and it embarasses me to talk to her as if she knows the "real" me. The "real" me is not someone I feel anyone should like, because it is free of the people pleasing and excitment of the outward "me."
Recently I went on a few dates with a really lovely girl. She's an actress and singer, and we met at a fellow student's apartment. We went on a date soon after meeting, and she slept over at my apartment that night, as we stayed up very late kissing, drinking wine and watching movies. A few days later, I found myself in her dorm. We were kissing and listening to music, and playfully talking about school and music. It got late, and I began to say that I had a test the next day and had to study. She said "aren't you sleeping over?" I was petrified. I was absolutely horrified at the idea of sleeping over with her that night. I don't understand why, because I was attracted to her and wanted to stay. I had a test the next morning, and I made that my excuse. As she saw me out, I couldn't help but notice how dissapointed and angry she seemed with me. Later a female friend would tell me I had embarassed the girl who had invited me to bed with her, because I made the excuse "about me." The girl never went out with me again, though I called her several times and tried several times to schedule another date, she was always "too busy." When a few months had gone by, I understood that she didn't want to see me.
Is it selfishness that keeps me from extending myself to another person? I feel often that I think no-one would ever want me, or to be with me, because I was nothing that another person couldn't be. Lately I know several women who have seemed to express interest in spending time with me, and I always make excuses to myself that they don't know me, or are just being nice, or are not really interested in me. It always surprises me when male friends tell me that I am getting very strong signals from a woman, because I NEVER seem to notice them! Girls too tell me that such and such a lingering touch or an embrace would never happen by accident; I fear I am too self-centered to notice someone who is really interesting in me.
So there are maybe three women, fellow students, who have expressed similar interest in me over the last few months. How does a normal person go about asking someone out on a date? Keep in mind these might be people i have spent no personal time with, but who know me through many months, or even a few years of casual academic aquantance. How do you know that there is a difference between smiling at a friend and inviting someone to seek you out romantically? I fear I really don't understand that difference at all, least how to act upon it.
posted
Orincoro, being honest with yourself is the first step towards being honest with the others I think this is the “solution” to your “problem”.
In the case of the lovely girl that invited you to sleep over, you could have admitted that it was too soon for you, that you were not ready to do that at that particular point of your relationship (if that was the case). I think it would have had a much better “impact” on the girl, and she could have even appreciated you for your honesty.
quote:She said "aren't you sleeping over?" I was petrified. I was absolutely horrified at the idea of sleeping over with her that night. I don't understand why, because I was attracted to her and wanted to stay.
Of course you were petrified. You are a virgin. And this girl offered to sleep with you. I don't care how familiar you are with the theory of sex, the first time it is about to happen to you for real is going to hold some terrors. You say you come across as confident and outgoing. That is even worse. Now the girl is going to expect you to take charge and be an amazing lover. And you have never done it before. Doing your homework suddenly seems to be a very attractive alternative.
The key is, as suminonA says, honesty. You could admit that it is too soon for you. But it is going to happen sometime (you hope), and then you have better just tell the truth. It is too late with this particular girl, but the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, simply (hah!) tell the woman that you find her very attractive, that you would love to stay the night but that you are somewhat inexperienced (you don't HAVE to tell you're a virgin) and scared as hell. Make a joke of it if you like. If the woman is worth your time, and is attracted to you (which we hope she is since she asked you to bed), she'll probably be happy to teach you.
And you won't have the pressure to perform like a stud muffin your first time. Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
For the record, "staying over" does not necessarily mean sex is involved. It could mean just that- sleeping over.
Not that that changes anything to do with Orincoro since it's impossible to tell from this what this girl's intentions were. I'm just pointing it out to Tristan.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
You are of course right about that, Teshi, and I considered making a point of that since, for an inexperienced guy, this fact only increases any anxiety. What ARE her intentions? Does she expect me to make a move? What if I make a move and she rebuffs me? Help!!!
Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
Well, if she said "sleep over," which doesn't necessarily imply sex, it would have been possibly to sleep over and, if she tried anything, say it was just too soon.
I'm telling you, chicks dig that. And as for you being inexperienced...it's possible that she is, as well.
At any rate, I get what you mean about people being drawn to your public face but not your private one. I generally come off as a fun, outgoing, laid-back tomboy. I get stuck being "the cool chick." But I'm still a girl! I'm not one of your guy friends that just happens to have boobs that you can make out with. I still like to wear dresses sometimes and sleep with a bajillion stuffed animals.
I think the key there is just to keep looking until you find someone who likes BOTH sides, not just one or the other.
posted
I certainly don't know you Orinoco, so perhaps what I'm saying is false, but from your post it seems that you're looking for the wrong kind of people. You say that your close friends are not the type of people that are drawn to you at first. The people that you date are drawn to you at first but nothing ever lasts with them. Perhaps you should aim to find girls that are more like your friends.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
You're thinking too much. Why do you imagine the private self and the public self are two different people? Unless you've got multiple personality disorder, they're both the same person.
You've decided that you have to be flashy and exciting in public, and that you can't be that in private. Obviously that's not true. You have the skills to be fun and entertaining and interesting all the time. I'm not suggesting that you should act like "one of the guys" with a date, but you can keep that mystery and interest going in your personal life.
Going on a date is not about dumping your interesting side and sharing all your dark secrets, being boring, and expecting to be comforted and entertained. If your personality changes completely when you're with someone you care about, or you want to care about, that's probably a large part of your problem.
I would suggest working on differentiating yourself less between public and private. There is a difference, but there needs to be more overlap. The public self doesn't have to be Mr. Excitement, always pleasing others and the private self should not be Mr. Meek, quietly waiting for the woman to find your faults and dump you.
Work on being self confident, happy, and interesting in all circumstances. You'll feel better about yourself, so you won't feel the need to self-destruct your dates.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Get her in a conversation with you at some place where there's lots of people but at the moment its just you and her talking.(like a movie or a football game). Then just make it all spontaneous on her, that way you don't flush up. You shouldn't even know you're asking her out until it happens. Then just continue to conversation. Eventually the chick will excuse herself and go running to her girlfriends to tell the news. Trust me, I've done it loads of times.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
That girl sounds a bit sketchy to me--if she got that huffy about you having to study and leave her (a legitimate excuse!), imagine the sorts of emotional demands she would make in a relationship.
However, here's some practical advice to get you by: Ask her if she wants to grab coffee, especially if it's at that moment. It's totally casual and not date-seeming, but gives you an opportunity for one-on-one flirting and talking. And, if that goes well, make plans for another day or night. Or, find out if she's going to X social event, and accidentaly 'run into her'.
I'm really standoffish, so don't consider me the norm, but if a guy I hardly knew formally asked me out, I would feel awkward, pressured, and not willing to get to know him because it would be putting me in a tough position as his feelings would be clear and I'd be expected to respond somehow. But, if he suggested grabbing coffee, meeting at a party, walking me home, or walking me to my next class, I would feel a lot more comfortable.
Posts: 484 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
People make asking someone out a lot more complicated than it is. Chat with someone you are attracted for for 5-10 minutes, then ask her for her number. That's it. (carry a pen - a working pen - and a piece of paper with you, so if you meet a nice girl, you can get her number).
If she gives you her number, she's interested in you, and you can call her in a few days and ask her on a date.
If she doesn't give you her number, or tries to come up with an excuse why she can't (I don't have a phone, I forgot it, um... er...) then she's not interested. Say, "That's ok. Thanks anyway." and walk away.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:If she gives you her number, she's interested in you,
Not necessarily...I'm in a relationship over the course of which I have given my number out on several occasions. I generally do try to mention that I have a boyfriend, but I don't want to say it in a presumptuous, bitchy way...as though I just KNOW that EVERYONE WANTS ME so I have to tell them all the time that I have a boyfriend. So sometimes, I have trouble working it into the conversation.
posted
Also Mighty, you forget that there are people like me who hate conflict and would rather give my number and passively ignore calls than have to make a bumbling, awkward, excuse why I don't want him to.
Posts: 484 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I wouldn't walk away after rejection because that's sort of sending the wrong message. You want to give the girl the impression that you care for her and are willing to sit in the dugout for a few innings.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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pH: Why are you giving out your number? Guys ask for a number because they're interested in you. The next time a guy asks, just say, "I have a boyfriend." That's not being presumptuous, that's info that a guy wants, so he doesn't keep flirting with you.
Kristen: If a girl gives you her number but never answers the phone, again, you know she's not interested. No biggie. Better to get the number and call to find out.
SoaPiNuReYe: I completely disagree. I don't want to date any woman who wants to put me in the dugout. You don't "care for her enough" to put up with rejection. First of all, you don't know her yet, so you can't "care for her." Second, she rejected you. She doesn't want to go on a date. You don't trick people into dating you, or wear down their resolve. You date people who are attracted to you.
That's selling yourself short. If she is not interested enough to give you her number, that's cool. You go and find a woman who is interested enough in you to give you her number.
Don't waste your time on someone who you have to convince to like you. You have to think of yourself as a valuable dating prospect.
Think about it this way: We've all seen someone and though, "Wow, what a hottie! If she asked me on a date right now, I'd be an idiot to say no." (the same applies to women seeing guys)
That's the kind of response you want from the other person. You want them to see you walking over and think, "Oh my god. I hope he asks me out."
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
You know, I have never asked a girl for her number. Partly it's because I'm a pretty low-key, socially non-aggressive guy, but mainly it's because I don't really have much interest in dating a woman I don't--to some extent--know. And by "to some extent" I mean "more than a 5- or 10-minute conversation." I only ask out people that I've met at church, school, work, etc. and gotten to know a little.
Posts: 1068 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I give out my number because I want more people to hang out with. My boyfriend works all the damn time. It's always so late by the time he can come over that we like never get to go out to the movies or anything. So I go with other people. He knows about it, and he knows nothing is going to happen. I think he's just glad I'm getting out of the house. But I generally do find a way to mention having a boyfriend when the guy calls, if I didn't get to before.
quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: SoaPiNuReYe: I completely disagree. I don't want to date any woman who wants to put me in the dugout. You don't "care for her enough" to put up with rejection. First of all, you don't know her yet, so you can't "care for her." Second, she rejected you. She doesn't want to go on a date. You don't trick people into dating you, or wear down their resolve. You date people who are attracted to you.
That's selling yourself short. If she is not interested enough to give you her number, that's cool. You go and find a woman who is interested enough in you to give you her number.
Don't waste your time on someone who you have to convince to like you. You have to think of yourself as a valuable dating prospect.
Think about it this way: We've all seen someone and though, "Wow, what a hottie! If she asked me on a date right now, I'd be an idiot to say no." (the same applies to women seeing guys)
That's the kind of response you want from the other person. You want them to see you walking over and think, "Oh my god. I hope he asks me out."
Dude trust me, the longer it takes for her to realize that you're better than the guy she has now, the more she will want to go out with you, just to make up for the lost time. You might disagree, but I've had a couple girlfriends throughout this school year and I know from expierence that just because the girl doesn't like you now, she might later on. I'm not saying you should ask out a girl the first time you meet her, I'm just saying that if she's single and you know her then she is fair game.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Do you really want to be in...what's essentially a pissing contest with whatever guy she's into? I mean, if you're convincing her to like you, it puts you in a bad position. And on top of that, if she's leaving some other guy for you...why wouldn't she leave you for another guy?
posted
Perhaps I am too cynical because I spent the entirety of last night at the bars where rich singles in Chicago hang out, but this all seems so impersonal. It's like boys are approaching it like a game now:
Cute girl: check. Phone number: Check. Proceed to: asking her out. It's all so removed from her personality and temperament.
There is probably a way to approach me where I would melt instantly, but I bet it's a lot different than my friends and the rest of the girls in the world. My best advice would be to get to know her, and see what happens. Treat her like a person not a conquest.
Posts: 484 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Dude trust me, the longer it takes for her to realize that you're better than the guy she has now, the more she will want to go out with you, just to make up for the lost time. You might disagree, but I've had a couple girlfriends throughout this school year and I know from expierence that just because the girl doesn't like you now, she might later on. I'm not saying you should ask out a girl the first time you meet her, I'm just saying that if she's single and you know her then she is fair game.
First off, don't waste your time with women who already have boyfriends. There are plenty who are available. Why would you want a girl on the rebound?
You tell me that you've had a couple of girlfriends who you convinced to like you by waiting in the dugout. "Had a couple" tells me that they are not with you now. I would guess that one of the reasons is that they didn't like you that much to begin with, and you had to convince them to go out with you.
If it takes a long time for someone to realize that they like you, then they probably don't like you that much.
I'm saying you SHOULD ask a girl out the first time you meet her. Dating someone is about getting to know them better. You don't have to know someone all that well to ask them on a date. If you're attracted to her, and she's attracted to you, you go on a date and see if there's anything to work with.
Disclaimer: I don't know what age any of the people in this discussion are, so I'll clarify that this applies best to people in their mid 20s or older. When you're 16-21, it's all just practice anyway.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Why ask someone out when you just met her? In my opinion that would come off as wierd. Unless you're at a club or party or someother place where everyone has enough alcohol in them to say yes to such a situation I feel that your strategy won't work. I've asked out girls the first time I've met them, but only for bets and jokes and such. Never for real, because I think that if they say no, then it shuts you down for good with that girl. If you've known a girl for a couple years then you obviously have better prospects with them, whether they are single or not. I don't know where you went to school or where you grew up, but where I'm from in Virginia girls talk about guys who ask them out the first time they've met. And it's never good.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
If you only ask girls out the first time you meet them as a bet or a joke, then your attitude is what's making you fail.
Seriously, look at what you just said. If you and a bunch of guys you know go around asking women on dates as jokes, or on a bet, is it any wonder why the women speak so poorly about it?
How can you give dating advice when you ask people on dates as a joke?
You know the girls who don't talk poorly about guys who asked them for their number the first time they met? The girls who said yes, and are dating the guy.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
First off I've done it as a joke once and the girl said yes and the relationship quickly went downhill after the first couple of weeks.
Second, I don't date chicks the day I meet them, partially because of that and partially because I know girls who have gone out with guys they just met, with disatorous results and I don't want to get hurt like they did. I have heard them talk with guys they have just met for hours, only to turn around and tell me how much of a retard they think that person is. I respect your opinion, because you're you and I'm me. My belief is however, that you're much better off with someone you have known for a couple of months, rather than someone you have just met. Your way may get you a short-term relationship, but mine works out in the long run.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Going on a date isn't the same as being in a relationship. Dating IS getting to know someone.
I think you're making it too complicated. You meet someone, you're both attracted to each other. You go on a date. If it doesn't go well, you don't go out on any more dates. You ask someone else on a date. Where's the disastrous results?
If you go on four of five dates with someone, now you've know them a month, you haven't "just met."
You have to look at dating as an opportunity to get to know someone, and see if you like them. Asking someone on a date is not the same as asking them to be your long-term, committed girlfriend.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Dude when i said relationship i didnt necesarily mean like girlfriend or wife. I meant that if you've known the girl longer and the date or dates didnt go so well, there is more of a chance of the two of you still being friends rather than the girl think you're a jerk just because you feel different about a certain issue than she does, or because you're poor and shes rich.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I don't know about the other Hatrack ladies, but I don't think guys are jerks until....they're jerks. Which doesn't mean having a differing opinion or being poor. It means generally behaving like an ass. In which case, I don't want to be friends with that person anyway.
posted
Well SoaPiNuReYe, you've got some very different views on dating than I have. I've gone on lots of dates, and if the girl and I don't hit it off, we stop dating. If I see her, I'll say hi, but I'm not going to make an effort to hang out with her and "just be friends."
I've got plenty of friends. When I'm asking a girl on a date, it's because I want to date her, not because I want to maybe just be friends.
I have a long-term girlfriend by the way, I'm speaking of back when I was still dating.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Well, if she said "sleep over," which doesn't necessarily imply sex, it would have been possibly to sleep over and, if she tried anything, say it was just too soon.
I'm telling you, chicks dig that.
Are you saying that chicks dig it when they invite men to spend the night on their second date, then make overly aggressive advances which are rebuffed?
Because that has not been my experience.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: If you go on four of five dates with someone, now you've know them a month, you haven't "just met."
You have to look at dating as an opportunity to get to know someone, and see if you like them. Asking someone on a date is not the same as asking them to be your long-term, committed girlfriend.
I have trouble getting to even this part of the equations sometimes. For instance, I am attracted to someone I know through work or school, and I might want to ask them out. Its quite possible that I will spend two hours with them and they will dislike me, or we will dislike eachother, and then the awkwardness sets in.
I get a distinctly seedy feeling from trying to ask out people I just met, and I don't know exactly why. I do know that I would always rather be someone's friend than date them, because it seems "safer" and I know it is easier. The obvious problem there is that then we're friends, and she thinks I'm not interested, because I have made a point of NOT expressing interest. Part of me thinks that if we are friends, then we're also equals, but the moment I ask them out, I am the "agressor."
Sometimes I get the feeling that a girl changes alot when you ask her out. I have been on dates with girls I met who's outgoing energy at first was a foil for my own, but turned out to be quiet and shy in private... just like I am. Obviously this makes for quiet and dissapointing dates, because either I am "on" and full of wit and energry, or I am "off" and we don't talk, and I hate that.
I am known by friends to be an exceptionally outsI guepoken and funny person. Many friends have said that I am the funniest person they know. The strange thing is that with some people I am NEVER funny. I hate spending time with these people because my sense of comfort and familiarity is enhanced when I say to a person "Do you KNOW what I MEAN???" and they say "YES!" The worst aquaintances are the one's who say "not really," or even "I guess so..." Its not especially that I don't like to be wrong, but I do like people to be interested in the conversation. The best friendships are with people who turn it around on me and challenge me to think about things their way.
Anyway, it always seems that "date behavior," means that my date will be non-commital and shy, and I will spend the whole date grasping at things to talk about, or being quiet and boring. I have things to talk about, I love to talk and listen (obviously), but sometimes I feel like I'm running on a treadmill next to my date, who just doesn't appear to be into it. If I am quiet and reserved, then I feel stupid and false, and I couldn't be with someone who was attracted to the me with nothing to say. Though I am politically liberal and non-religious, my real values are incredibly conservative. My personal style is subdued and innexpensive, and flamboyant displays of style or possessions make me laugh or feel uncomfortable with people. I have a hard time looking someone in the eye and talking to them like an adult if they subscribe to some very distinctive fashion trend, or drive a very ostentatious car, or talk in an affected manner.
I suppose it is this conservatism in my personal habits which make me feel uncomfortable with people, because though I am outgoing and witty, I am also not commited to any one ideal, but am rather interested in all things that life has to offer. This makes me enthusiastic about everything, and fully commited to nothing. I think to a new person this might make me seem false or shallow, because I don't have any deeply partisan commitments to any asthetic or viewpoint. I am not trying to say I am "just to understanding," because I'm not really, but I don't ever commit to one view of the world or other people, and maybe I should do that.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Well Tom I am making a special effort to be introspective at the moment, but I think you may be right.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Honestly, I think the most romantically repellent aspect of your personality might well be your tendency to overthink your own habits.
Just go with the flow, Orincoro.
Sail away, sail away, sail away!
At any rate, I find it very attractive when men don't try to sleep with me all the time, even if we're having a slumber party. Mostly because I do not enjoy constantly having to fend hands away.
C'mon, Tom. When have you rebuffed any overly aggressive advances?
Seriously, though, I have been in a position in which the girl I was dating was more "aggressive" and I was the one engaging in pH-style hand-fending. And you know what? She did, in fact, dig it. If anything, it increased her level of interest.
Now, if only it had been my master plan all along just to get some, it would have been genius on my part.
Posts: 1068 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Aw, Pearce. Tell you what--I promise that you will never be on the receiving end of one of my fends.
Posts: 1068 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
My advice is this: stop trying. Period. Don't actively seek girls out, at least for a short period of time. Every time you're in a group, though, pay attention to whether you keep finding yourself glancing over at the girl in the corner, or trying particularly hard to get a laugh out of her. If not, then the girl for you probably isn't in that particular group. That's fine. If you start getting to know a girl better as friends, and find that you aren't particularly attracted to her, don't look at it as a failure. It just means that you aren't right for each other. If you do find that you keep being drawn to her, don't be afraid to take things slowly. You seem to be the opposite of me, in that I tend to be really quiet around people when I first meet them, and then open up and get more talkative when I'm around them more and get more comfortable with them. This tends to happen over the course of a few weeks, or even months. It may be that you need to move slowly so that girls can see that you have many sides to your personality, and that all of them are you, rather than seeing a sudden, jolting change in the way you act. If you are suddenly going from the life of the party to being really quiet, she may not interpret that as you being more comfortable and showing her the less public side of yourself. She may see it as you being uncomfortable around her, or even not liking being around her. If you get to know her gradually, and let her see both sides of you before you start really dating, then it won't be as much of a shock. I don't know if this makes much sense, I guess I'm just trying to say, don't stress so much, don't look so hard, and be yourself (all of yourself) around girls you might be interested in.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:I am known by friends to be an exceptionally outspoken and funny person. Many friends have said that I am the funniest person they know. The strange thing is that with some people I am NEVER funny. I hate spending time with these people because my sense of comfort and familiarity is enhanced when I say to a person "Do you KNOW what I MEAN???" and they say "YES!"
I like MidnightBlue's advice. I think that a relationship is worth the hard work once you've committed to it, but the initial few dates should be the time of discovery when you realize that this person "gets" you or doesn't. If they don't "get" you, it's not a failing on either of your part, it's just not a good fit and you should let it go.
You are young. There is no hurry. If you were someone looking to satisfy lust, just about anyone could give you a roadmap; but you're looking for love (which, by the way, kicks lust's butt for excitement and satisfaction everyday and twice on Sunday). Love is worth the wait.
The only true rule I know about finding love is that you need to be open to it when you find it or it finds you.
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