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At least you can comfort yourself in knowing it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. I recommend comisserating with male friends, preferably the sort you can comisserate with. Go out and do something fun that couldn't possibly relate to romance (sports bars, video games, take your pick.) It helps to stay active doing stuff that won't remind you of what you're missing. Batting cages or a golf driving range are great ways to get out aggression by hitting an object with a large club.
Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2001
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I hope you feel better, Orincoro. Like Edgehopper said, it's not your fault. I just had my (now-ex) boyfriend visit his ex-girlfriend last weekend and come back to tell me that he is still in love with her. All after he had told me that he missed me while he was gone, etc etc. Hard when he's said that he misses you and you know he still dreams about you. Don't forget to eat and drink water. It's landed me in the sh*thole lately. So take care of yourself first and foremost.
quote:Originally posted by Orincoro: edit: and not to turn this thread into my wallowing pit of shame and loneliness. Its just been a rough week. All this time things have been going so well, and I've been really optimistic. This really hit me harder than it would have if I hadn't already been feeling so isolated and lonely. I can't see the point at which I'm going to be able to relate to people in a new way. I keep thinking its happening, its happening, finally, but its just one stumble after another, and I'm always so wrong about people.
It's not necessarily that you were/are wrong about people. I think its just so hard to read them. You can never know what someone is thinking, you can only guess.
posted
Orincoro: Sorry to hear that man, it's a crappy situation to be in.
While I know it doesn't help a lot right now, I'll offer a little advice from both personal experience, and what I would tell clients in the dating service in San Francisco.
Now is the time for yourself. Yeah, it's a great feeling to have someone else, but a lot of people forget that it should also be a great feeling just to have time to work on you. It sounds silly at first, but when you really think about it, it makes good sense.
You may have different relationships over the course of your life, but you've always got to live with yourself, so you should be happy with who you are. Between relationships, you don't have any commitment to someone else, so you can focus on you without neglecting anyone. If you want to spend a whole week doing exactly what you feel like, nobody feels left out.
Now is the time when you get to take up a hobby, or get involved in a group that you've been interested in. Now is the time to think about your own life and what YOU want to do. If you have ever wanted to do something like go white water rafting, learn to shoot a gun, sew your own clothes, play a musical instrument, whatever it is, now's the time to give it a shot.
If you feel like you want to work on something, maybe you feel too shy around new people, or you want to get in better shape. Go for it. The great thing about not being in a relationship is that all the energy you would be devoting to someone else, you can devote to you.
This is great because you need attention right now. You're hurt, so you should take care of yourself. Also, the better you know yourself, the better you'll be able to find the right person next time. The more fun you have now, the more interesting things you do, the more attractive you will become to people.
Right after a breakup is a bad time to go looking for love, so it's the perfect time to focus on yourself. Everybody needs some Me Time now and then. You can even pretend to go on dates with yourself if you like. It's silly, but fun. Think, "I would have bought a dozen flowers and a day at the spa for a girl, so I'm going to treat myself instead!"
I hope you feel better soon. Don't beat yourself up too much. Remember that she didn't stop seeing you because anything is wrong with you, she stopped seeing you because she realized that she was different and needed something else.
Focus on taking care of yourself. Eat right and get some sleep, the rest will start getting better on its own Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Things are always tough at the beginning.. I know, I just split with someone who I was dating for more than a year at the beginning of the summer. But the saying is true, time heals all wounds, and I can say that right now, 3 months later, I am really enjoying being single.
I am one of those serial monogomist types, and in the past 5 years, I've only been single for a few months, and right now I'm finding it to be a really liberating experience. Something else that is nice is now I don't feel bad being a little flirty with a cute girl here and there. Just in the past week, on three seperate occasions, I have basically been "picked up" by a girl completely out of the blue, with very little work on my part. It's nice having a few numbers and a few options, but I might not even explore them at this point because it's important to take time for yourself after a long relationship.
So just hang in there, and seriously, there are other people out there, and eventually the right one will come along. So don't beat yourself up about things you can't control, like people's sexual inclinations, and their desires to explore those feelings.
Posts: 441 | Registered: Jun 2005
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There's this book by Shel Silverstein, I believe its called "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O". I was going through sort of the same downer type situation as you are and I was browsing through a bookstore and randomly picked it up, and it really helped. It made sense to me. It's a very juvenile book, but the point of it is valid and helpful. I would recommend it. If you can't find it, I can send you a copy.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: Right after a breakup is a bad time to go looking for love, so it's the perfect time to focus on yourself. Everybody needs some Me Time now and then. You can even pretend to go on dates with yourself if you like. It's silly, but fun. Think, "I would have bought a dozen flowers and a day at the spa for a girl, so I'm going to treat myself instead!"
Focus on taking care of yourself. Eat right and get some sleep, the rest will start getting better on its own
I appreciate the sentiment, but I think you missed the broader outline of my story. We never had a relationship, things were just sort of starting when this happened, and I am kind of unreasonably shaken by it. I think that I am probably more bothered by how sad and unhappy she seemed when I saw her, because I find that I really care about her, like her alot, and now I can't be close to her in the way I thought we could be. It makes me feel powerless, even though I know you don't go into relationships to "fix" people. Part of me just wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her I was going to protect her from the world that was treating her so badly; I really wanted to do that but I couldn't.
I think, to be honest, part of my problem with relating to others is that I don't really define myself in the relationship. When someone doesn't feel that you are a rock or a place that's hard and part of you is unchanging and solid from day to day, then they can't lean against you or rely on you in any way. I think I make myself intangible to people, being so focused on knowing them and being near them, they don't really come to know me or be near me. I think if she had known me better, and if I had been a little more self-centered or something, she wouldn't have felt that she had to put all the focus on herself, and her problem. It made it harder for her to have to explain herself and be seen by someone else, even if that person did care.
I jokingly offered at one point to tell her all of my horrible life problems, and she actually brightened at the suggestion; it would have been a relief not to have be absorbed in her problems for a moment. But I couldn't think of anything to complain about that seemed like something anyone would care about. Its stupid, but I didn't share anything at all.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote: I think, to be honest, part of my problem with relating to others is that I don't really define myself in the relationship. When someone doesn't feel that you are a rock or a place that's hard and part of you is unchanging and solid from day to day, then they can't lean against you or rely on you in any way. I think I make myself intangible to people, being so focused on knowing them and being near them, they don't really come to know me or be near me. I think if she had known me better, and if I had been a little more self-centered or something, she wouldn't have felt that she had to put all the focus on herself, and her problem. It made it harder for her to have to explain herself and be seen by someone else, even if that person did care.
You just described me and what I see as my problem in relationships. My last relationship was the one from my dreams. It was like a fairy tale, at least for me, because this beautiful girl who I really really really liked actually was actually attracted to me. It didn't work out, as I've chronicled somewhat here on Hatrack, and I attribute it not working out to the fact that I didn't make her care enough about me. I didn't put myself out there for her to know enough about me to care. That was her reason for breaking up with me - She didn't care enough. She couldn't make herself care enough. Lately I've been thinking more about it and for me I think it's a matter of trust and self-confidence, or lack thereof. I didn't trust her to still be attracted to me if I ... made her work too much? Let her see too much of me? If that makes any sense. Anyway, I've vowed to not make the same mistake next time around. We shall see.
I know a bit houw you feel though, in my own way. It sucks.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Orincoro, it sounded to me like you were treating it in your head like a relationship/breakup. People don't generally have "the talk" with someone they've casually dated a few times. I know you two weren't really a couple, but if it feels like a break-up to you, it still hurts.
If you're not defining yourself in the relationship, that's even more reason to focus on yourself now. You have to go into a relationship 50-50. If you don't feel like you can contribute 50% of the relationship, that's where you can help yourself and your future dates.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote: It's about the fact that you can't make generalizations about 150 million people in this country and think that they have any meaning at all.
I disagree with this and I kind of agree with Cow in the preceding debate, because, in America, being a man and being a woman definitely still means something. There are character traits and ways of behavior that are generally associated with each sex in the social mind. Some people speculate that some of these traits are reinforced by biology. One of these, as we discussed on another thread, is the sexual double standard.
Of course, there are plenty of exceptions, as evidenced by this thread, but that doesn't mean that you can't say that most men or women are a certain way because they are men or women.
I have to confess that I'm a little confused by what Eljay is saying at this point and exactly how she disagrees with MC. So, if I've misunderstood, please let me know.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Also, I am sorry to hear that your situation did not work out, Orincoro. Better luck next time. Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Squish: Hope you're feeling better and eating well.
1. MightyCow, I think you may be right about that.
2. I have not been eating well, and I haven't been hungry in days. I have experienced this before though, you get a little depressed an all the sudden you're tired all the time, sore, your back hurts and the world is twice as heavy. But, I've talked about it with a few friends, and that has made me feel better, as well as hearing the hatrack perspective on things, I think I'll be fine in a week.
Well, I have a friend-date at the local pub to get ready for, so I will just try -Try- to relax and enjoy a few (pitchers maybe) of beer. To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems! Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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