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Author Topic: Some help from kind people
Deceased House
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Now, I realize that I have mentioned this subject to you all before, and I am sorry if this may seem repetitive for some of you, but here is my delema:

I am a 17 year old Kid, who just finished high school, has a crummy job (and is working on geting a better one)and a horrible social life. Now... I do not get along with people so well. In fact; not at all. There have been many of girls that i have liked during school: none of wich i have been able to act upon, due to my own lack of self confidence. I realize my failure there and it dosent help my self esteem any.

But you see...with the amazing invention called the internet, I have been able to meet a variety of people who share very simmilar interests as me (reading, writing poems, writing songs, computers, games..ect...) But the internet is a shield for peoples own fears of rejection. I realize and can accept that. But...I have met somebody whom I hold dear to me. Yes, I did it. I have an online girlfriend. Regardless how many times this subject has probably come up to the fine folk of Hatrack River; we, it is agreed, are in love.

Unfortunatly there is a distance barrier of about 200 miles (I live in NY, she in Ohio). seeing as to how she is only 15, I plan to be leaving my home here to spend about a week there, to meet her in person, meet her family, her friends and so forth.

Another complication: her parents think that we meet at her school, and not online, that i only lived there for a few months and moved back here to NY...all fictional.

But, my biggest concern is this: I love her most dearly, with all my heart. But she has been talking about things in the future, such as maybe getting my own apartment there. I dont even know if anything stable is even possible yet. Im supposed to meet her in front of her mom for the first time, yet we dont even know how were going to handle our first meeting. This bytes lol.

I dont know...does anybody have any ideas as to how to handle these topics...(besides the jerks saying dump her and all)

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Celaeno
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Honestly, I'm not sure what the problem is. You're concerned because she's talking about the future and you don't know if it's going to work yet. Okay. Meet her. If you determine that it's not going to work, break it off. If there is a possibility of a future, that's great and go from there. There's no point in freaking out about future problems if you aren't even sure how the present's going.

Also, I know why you're lying to her parents, but that might not be the most pragmatic approach. If things get more serious with you two, you're going to have to tell them the truth. Once they find out about the lies, chances are they're not going to trust either of you. And having your significant other's parents not trust you when she's living under their roof is probably not the best situation.

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Orincoro
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If you think you need the internet to meet people who like reading, poetry, songs, and even computer games, then I feel sorry for you.

No, you don't need to be online to do any of the things you DO online, but the internet does something different for you that allows you to meet people in a way you wouldn't in real life. My only advice would be, as a piano teacher once wisely told me, to "break momentum," and recognize the things you are not doing, and do something new. Get involved with real people in real local groups and do all of those things in real life- it isn't that hard, people do it all the time. Funny thing is, you relate to people in a whole different way in real life, and you get into things they are into, and you expand your horizons... its fun!

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Katarain
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Orincoro has some great advice. But in the meantime, since you're already involved with this girl, understand that she has to tell them the truth BEFORE you arrive. First meetings are awkward enough without having to pretend that you already know each other. For one thing, it will be completely obvious that you are NOT comfortable around each other at first. Her mom will notice and believe me, it will end badly.

Now her parents might not take the fact that she's dating someone on the scary internet very well at all, but they're going to take it better if she tells them now rather then when you're standing right there.

Trust me. I've been there. During my very first "internet" relationship, I kept the fact that he and I were "dating" from my mom. By the time she figured out something was wrong (I was very withdrawn from guilt about my lie of omission) and got the truth out of me, we had a big full-blown fight. You see, she had already given him permission to stay at our house for about a week as part of his roadtrip through America. (He was canadian.) She ended up still letting him come, but she wasn't thrilled about it. He came and ended up staying two weeks--and there was NOTHING between us. It was a horrible visit, and I think the only reason he stayed two weeks was because he liked flirting with my best friend. When he left it was good riddance. I don't even count him as a real ex, since there was no "real life" component to our relationship.

Not to say this is going to end up that way for you, but there is often a difference between online and real life. You have that to deal with, and you really don't want to have to deal with keeping up a pretense in front of her mother.

And just so that this post isn't a downer, internet relationships can go well, too. In fact, I met two of my ex's on the Internet, and I also met my husband on the Internet. He and I never "net.dated," though. We went straight from friends on the Internet to married in real life. Heh. It was a unique situation... [Smile]

Anyway, to sum up. Have her TELL them or don't go.

-Katarain

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Dagonee
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quote:
Another complication: her parents think that we meet at her school, and not online, that i only lived there for a few months and moved back here to NY...all fictional.
Clear this up NOW. If you don't want to trigger parental alarm bells that will cause you major problems, do not go out there until this lie has been admitted to and the truth fully expressed.
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Bob_Scopatz
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I'm with Kat.

This:
quote:
Unfortunatly there is a distance barrier of about 200 miles (I live in NY, she in Ohio). seeing as to how she is only 15, I plan to be leaving my home here to spend about a week there, to meet her in person, meet her family, her friends and so forth.
is a major concern.

Think it through. You show up, meet for the FIRST TIME in front of her mom. Do you not think mom will get just a tad suspicious because of how you two react around each other?

17/15 age gap is not out of the question but it is way too young to be making BIG plans for the future. I know it may not feel like that (to her or you), but while it is entirely possible to have a great, lifelong meaningful relationship start at those respective ages, the odds are against it, and more importantly, there's no reason to stack the deck against yourselves.

Another thing to consider is legalities. When you are 18 and she is 16 your relationship could suddenly become a concern for local law enforcement (assuming it wouldn't be already) -- the laws on this vary from state to state, but don't just assume that if it's okay in NY, the Ohio police will say it's fine too.

Another thing to consider is that people do a lot of growing and maturing between the ages of 15 (or 17) and their mid-twenties/early 30's. No matter how mature and certain you and she feel today, it is also true that you will be more mature 10-15 years from now.

You have to remember that if you start thinking marriage, or making any long-term plans, you are making decisions for that person, and the 40 year old you, and the 50 year old you, etc. It's the definition of commitment, if that's what it is you mean by "serious" or "plans." (that's my definition, btw)

That's not to say "DON'T GET MARRIED" or don't pursue a relationship. But it is important to start this right, and like you mean it for the long term. Or, it's important to be clear that you aren't interested in the long term and this is just fun and dating. Or that you aren't sure. But what ever your feelings on the matter are, you have to be open and above board with everyone involved.

Don't lie to her and don't lie to her parents either. Lying to parents is not even close to a good start.

The proper thing to do is to convince your friend that her parents should know everything before you get there. And then they should talk to you over the phone without her around to have a chance to get to understand who you are and where you are coming from, and your intentions.

And, ultimately, in my opinion only, you should start the conversation with asking them to hear you out, and then promising to stay away from their daughter if that is their decision. That you would wait for her is going to be as important a deciding factor as all the other things you say put together.

Think about it...Hmm...my 14 year old daughter has hooked up with a 17 year old guy over the internet. He's going to move here and get an apartment. Suddenly, I'm worried that they'll be having babies and she'll never finish high school, and their lives will be an endless series of dead-end jobs, and so on and so on.


And, also, not to be a total downer...dkw and I met over the internet. It's normal these days.

But it also has a high creep-out factor for parents. And it has sometimes resulted in tragic headlines, so there's some stigma to overcome with respect to the whole "met over the internet" thing. But that's not your real problem. Your real problem is that you are already starting out by lying.

If you can't have your relationship be open...you need to examine why. Sometimes there are good reasons for that. Usually not, and it's usually not a good sign.

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Ionienne
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Hey Deceased House, I agree with all others before me: telling the truth is the more important in a relationship.
Parents are very worried when you go out with someone so young (I mean when you are young), but they want you to be happy. Telling them the truth is a good way to prove them both of you are / want to be responsible, that you have thought of your relation. To reassure them.

Anyway a friend of mine met his girlfriend on the net and they seem very happy together. They got to know each other quite well through internet before being together. Follow your feelings and good luck!

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Tatiana
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Deceased House, I would say that people's advice is what they have found to work for them, and that you may find things totally different for you. Don't be discouraged because of well-meaning people's advice. It may not apply to you at all.

Secondly, I understand the reason for the misdirection of her parents. The truth is always preferable, but when there are enormous divides in understanding, such as parents who think all online friends are evil, I can understand why it's easier not to go into it.

It's possible that you won't be in love when you meet in person, and then again it's possible that you will. The experience of people I know runs about 50% each way, just from an informal survey.

My advice, which may or may not apply to you, is that you should get to the point at which you feel totally comfortable talking on the phone to each other for hours on end, day after day, before meeting. Otherwise, you should wait. People whose first relationship ever is online seem to have the most difficulty making the transition to being together in real life.

Good luck! I hope things work out happily for both of you. [Smile]

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MidnightBlue
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Everyone is saying that you should tell her parents, and I strongly agree. I also think that you should set up a phone conversation with at least one of her parents before you visit, to reassure them that you aren't some creepy forty year old or something. There are a lot of creeps out there, and parents can never be too careful.
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Deceased House
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And thank you all...Now here's the present concern...i got my self into a...funk...I havent talked to her in about 4 days now..OMG i'm dying here... I know...I know...I do....
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