posted
I need to send someone an email, and after spending an inordinate amount of time drafting it, I'm realizing just how intimidated I am of people in general. The worst for me is having to call someone, because not only do I have to initiate the contact, I worry whether I'm interrupting something. Email is a little better because they can read it at their leisure, but you can be misinterpretted without tone of voice. Does anyone else get really nervous about dealing with people?
Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Yah. I'm getting better at it, but my main problem is large groups of people. They get me so ... flustered. I think it's that I like devoting a specific amount of attention to people, and when there's more than 3 people in a group, I'm unable to do that. And I get very ... anxious I suppose would be the word. Messes me up. One on one I'm ok. I can deal with it. But groups ... *shudder*.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I struggle with this all of the time. In my line of work I'm constantly meeting new people that I must work with and some days I just don't want to go to work. Aggressive personalities or a person that comes across as condescending especially troubles me. 99% of it is all in my head but it doesn't make easier. I'm constantly worried about that 1% of the time where it's real and when that happens I'm usually devastated for months. It's really the only aspect of my life that causes me any real drama.
Posts: 527 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I know i am intimadated by people. I can barely call people I like and ask them for help. It causes me agony and deep frustration. I am trying to get over it, but it's a struggle.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Very much so. Calling people on the phone/answering the phone is one of my least favorite things to do. I worry too much about whether my tone of voice will offend them, I'll be calling at the wrong time, they'll be mad about why I called, I'll mishear them, they'll mishear me...talking to people in person is somewhat better, but I even worry about, say, ordering something to eat a restaurant sometimes.
Yes, I know. It's a serious problem that I'm trying to work on.
Posts: 290 | Registered: Sep 2002
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I prefer middling crowds of, say, twenty to thirty people. In this way, you can have private conversations for short periods with groups of up to five, and then can move on to another conversation when you tire of that one. If everyone's doing their job and mingling appropriately, this can be joyous.
Unfortunately, not everyone knows their social responsibilities, so I often find myself working as a sort of lubricant in these situations, being more commanding and obnoxious than I really am in order to push and intermix the groups -- kind of like adding soap to oil and water to emulsify them. As silly as this sounds, I actually consider this a duty.
It's been my experience that people who sit alone in corners at parties, even if they say they prefer their own company, usually have a lever or two that, when pulled, will enable them to have fun in society. Finding it can be a trick and a half, though, and really stubborn introverts can't usually be defeated in a single afternoon.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I get the most intimidated when I'm in a new place/group and I'm the only new one... I feel like I'm at a disadvantage not knowing how the intra-group dynamics work and find myself constantly wondering if the way people are behaving at that time is natural or different because of my presence.
Aside from that, I'm pretty cool with interacting (big groups, little groups, phone, email). I figure we've all got something to offer, the people I'm dealing with and me. It's just a matter of learning how to interact with each other to get the best results.
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: I prefer middling crowds of, say, twenty to thirty people.
Again, *shudder*. That is my second least favorite setting, beat out only by large groups, such as amusment parks or concerts. I prefer just the group of 5, though 5 is pushing it because then it seems probable that one person will be left out, and that creates stress for me, which leads to anxiety, which leads to ... well, we'll stop there.
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Tom as a lubricant... hmm, never thought of it that way. I'd have to say that my first thought was lubricants aren't abrasive! Posts: 1069 | Registered: Feb 2005
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I HATE making phone calls ... whether to a stranger to order pizza, or to a friend. I can call my mom and my hubby ... sometimes my sister ... that's it, without anxiety. Everyone else I have to ponder and work my nerve up before I do it.
And I'd much rather be in a large crowd than in a crowd of about 30 where everyone will notice me. I'd rather be on stage in front of a large crowd than walk into a smaller room full of people I don't know well.
Posts: 1522 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I don't like leaving messages. I'd rather talk to someone directly. Otherwise the message goes someting like this:
Me: Uh, hi. This is Anne. My mom told me to call to return your call. Uh, yeah. I'm returning the call. So, um, call back I guess? But, yeah. Just returning your call. Bye. Uh, see you later.
I have no problem talking in groups. I'm the 'people person' in my family. Or so my brother says. If I know at least one or two people in the group, I'm fine. If I don't know anyone, it'll take me a while to talk. They don't intimidate me, I just don't know them.
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Jeesh - I'm the same as you with taking a while to talk if I don't know people. I guess I try to sort of size up the whole situation before I contribute.
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Same with me. I hate leaving messages. I like small groups. No more than 2 or 3 people. More than that and I go silent because no one pulls me into the conversation Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Maybe it's not you being stuck in 'silent', maybe they're just not talking about interesting enough stuff, Synesthesia! ; )
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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What kinds of groups I enjoy can vary greatly depending on my mood and the feel of the group. So basically, of all the variables involved, the number of people is almost insignificant in comparison.
In general I try to enjoy myself in large groups of people. But I am too often and too much both a chameleon and a mirror. If a group is uptight, I will be more uptight. If my comments fall flat, I will be more quiet. If the group is warm towards me, I will act quite extroverted. I have a hard time going against the grain.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I'm not intimidated by people in a general sense, but I do prefer small groups where I know mostly everyone. If I have to integrate myself into a large group I require a year or so to do it.
Mostly I worry about not knowing what to do or where to go. I like to research everything ahead of time so I can know exactly what I have to do. I write down exactly what I'm going to say on any phone call I feel worried about making.
EDIT: I suppose I worry about looking incompentant in front of people. If I'm going to do something- whether it is making a phone call, walking into a room, attending a party or performing, I want to do it well or not at all.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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beverly - I was in a new place/new people/TONS of people last weekend... As usual I was quiet to start and then loosened up. By Saturday evening there were about 100 people there and I did another one of my usual actions and started talking to a small group on the side... I entered into one particular conversation with just one other person and we spoke for a while.
He's a little over a decade older than me with a whole lot more experience. We somehow got to the topic of personality and he sized me up as a chameleon... I'd never thought of myself as that. After we talked about it for a while, I completely understood and realized that I should change the way I jump into new groups.
I realized that my 'sizing up' of the situation is fine, I still want to respect the people I'm with. More importantly I realized that I don't have to change myself just to fit in with them. I decided on working to maintain my own thoughts and views and personality when I'm in a new situation. That's not to say that I was changing those constantly before, I'd just choose not to respond to ideas I didn't agree with other than to smile or give some other non-verbal response.
I think I'll learn more about people (and myself!) if I'm more honest with my opinions.
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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My problem is I quite often find myself agreeing with both sides of an argument. I think I'm OK with disagreeing when I find something said is outright false, though.
The way in which I am most like a chameleon is that I tend to take on the idiosyncricies and "style" of the person I am with. I can be loud and silly if the person I am with is. I am quiet and demure around such as are. I find myself feeling somehow dishonest when a person who thinks I am one way sees me take on such a different personna. I can't tell you how often someone who thinks they know me hears my voice on the phone and says, "I didn't recognize you, you sound... different."
I seem to experience outright schizophrenia when I am with Porter's family: loud and obnoxious, and my refined, demure Japanese sis-in-law is there.
Sometimes I feel lost within myself, like there is no real "me" underneath. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I could feel comfortable in a social group of 20 to 30 people, but only if I knew the majority of them. Maintaining social graces with 20 strangers isn't easy, though. I'm slightly introverted in groups of strangers, and I think a group of 5 strangers stretches my limit for outgoing social activity. But, if someone else takes an interest in conversation, I'll usually join them.
Posts: 1813 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I'm generally at ease with people. I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone, but I don't hate it either; it's just that I see the phone more as a tool than as a medium for social interactions. That said, I spend a fair amount of time chatting on the phone.
I'm fine with people alone, or in large or small groups. I tend to draw out people who seem to be shy and feeling uncomfortable, bringing them into conversations in ways that are comfortable for them, and generally making them feel included. It's just something that I do naturally, though; it isn't something that I view as a duty or obligation or something.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: It's been my experience that people who sit alone in corners at parties, even if they say they prefer their own company, usually have a lever or two that, when pulled, will enable them to have fun in society. Finding it can be a trick and a half, though, and really stubborn introverts can't usually be defeated in a single afternoon.
AS an introvert, I would love to be like you. It's not like I stay in the corner because I enjoy watching everyone else have fun while being miserable myself. I stay there because I don't know how to have fun, and everytime I've tried it's gone badly.
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When you see someone engaging in some activity that looks 'fun' to you, what do you think stops you from joining in?
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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quote:I tend to draw out people who seem to be shy and feeling uncomfortable, bringing them into conversations in ways that are comfortable for them, and generally making them feel included. It's just something that I do naturally, though; it isn't something that I view as a duty or obligation or something.
I think this one of the best qualities anyone can have, socially. Some people are very social and totally ignore quieter people, shutting them further out of the conversation or group and make them feel even more isolated or uncomfortable. Sometimes a quiet person just needs an avenue to join in.
To add to my own statement, I can vary between wanting to talk and wanting to listen, depending on my mood as well as on the company- which is why I appreciate people like Noemon, who can include me when I'm on a quiet day.
People are often surprised when they see me be apparantly extrovertish for the first time-, but it's not such a stretch for me. When I was younger I was very much a leader and centre of things. It's only been in my pre-teen and teenage years that I really became quiet. When I need it, and if I'm feeling happy and confident, I can still make the leap into the "old" Teshi's more, shall we say, outgoing ways. Heh. I wasn't shy back then, so I'm not really shy now, only a lot quieter. Back then it was 40/60 (40 being quiet), now it's more like 80/20 or even 90/10.
The result- and the upside- of this is I can go from being ridiculously quiet to quite involved- perhaps more involved than people who tend to "look after me" (because of my quietness) expect. :/
The downside is that I am quiet when I can remember being a big part of everything. However, It may be a good thing I'm not as daring now as I was then, thinking back. O.o
EDIT:
quote:I stay there because I don't know how to have fun, and everytime I've tried it's gone badly.
Before a social activity I am almost always annoyed at myself for going and not just not going. I am convinced I'm going to hate it. Usually, once I'm there, I've had many an excellent time.
However, I usually leave as soon as I feel like I've had enough, which makes me one of those Cinderella people who leaves at midnight in case her carriage turns into a pumpkin all of a sudden. By not pushing myself too far, I can have good memories of an occaision, rather than bad ones.
I never go to something with people I don't like or don't trust or I know is just going to be a lot of drunk/high/rowdy strangers. I know I cannot do that kind of thing, so I do not expect myself to.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I get tired out by social events. Often I have a little battle of wills inside my head before I convince myself that I'll enjoy going to a party or out with coworkers to get a few beers.
I normally *do* enjoy myself, but I come home drained. And it's difficult to force myself to go out and socalize more than once or twice a week. Guess I'm a homebody - although I enjoy spending tons of time with close friends in small groups playing games or eating dinner. Growing up, my favorite time of the day was when I got to be a latchkey kid, at home by myself.
Oh, and I hate answering the phone. Especially if I don't know who's calling.
Posts: 2409 | Registered: Sep 2003
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I'm really comfortable around people, whether I know them or not. But I used to spend a lot of time meeting people and striking up conversations with strangers when I was promoting. What's weird is that I was an introvert for a really long time. But I can usually come up with conversation starters for a situation.
posted
The one thing that tires me out the most is the mall... Honestly. I find myself getting tired and irritable within 1/2 an hour of being there to the point where I avoid any like the plague!!
posted
A friend of mine once got very angry at me for being with her and her friends and not talking very much. But what could I do? They were sitting there talking about people I don't know, about things I am not interested in and they didn't really bother to pull me into the conversation. I can't really jump in when people are talking often because to me interrupting is a bit rude. So when I get around people they tend to ignore me. I'd go to these meetings back in 2004 and everyone would talk and just ignore me and it was depressing, especially when it cost so much to go there... Finally at a party it was exasperating. I could have gone home and listened to music instead of being there.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I get very intimidated when I'm in an environment where everyone knows each other . . . except for me. Then I hardly talk.
Otherwise, I'm a pretty smooth, confident person. I talk to everyone I meet, and I'm friendly enough that I'm never intimidating.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I talk to the quiet people at parties, because they're usually the most interesting ones there. The ones who are sparkling and vivacious wits often are because they are hungry for attention, approval, recognition, or whatever. They are fun too, but the quiet ones are usually the true stars. Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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beverly - I wonder sometimes if some people hold more capacity for personality than others. Just the same way as some people are better at math, better at teaching, better at whatever... maybe personality is one of those categories.
I say don't fault yourself for easily learning and adapting to the way people interact. It's a gift.
At the same time, I understand and empathize with your frustration in discovering who the 'true you' is.
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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I always think it's funny when I notice people using the same tricks that I use in conversation. Like, I was talking to this guy at a bar the other night, and we'd been talking for a while, and all of a sudden he was like, "Hey, meet my friend [something or other]."
I laughed and said, "I see. You can't remember my name, so this is how you find out without asking again. Smooth."
quote:I'd have to say that my first thought was lubricants aren't abrasive!
The goal is to get things moving. Sometimes a little friction is necessary for that initial "push," although not always (thankfully).
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I have the easiest time talking to people in person, and I think it's because in person you can see whether they're busy or not or whether you're interrupting. I hate to inconvenience people but if I can see that they aren't doing anything I feel a lot better about initiating a conversation.
quote:However, I usually leave as soon as I feel like I've had enough, which makes me one of those Cinderella people who leaves at midnight in case her carriage turns into a pumpkin all of a sudden. By not pushing myself too far, I can have good memories of an occaision, rather than bad ones.
I do this too. After staying too long at a few parties/gatherings, I've learned that I only have so much tolerance for such environments. If I stay for too long, I end up being miserable and bored and have bad memories of it. I now make an effort to leave as soon as I start feeling bored or uncomfortable even though I may still being having a pretty good time, because that way I don't get too drained and I remember the experience positively.
quote:I prefer middling crowds of, say, twenty to thirty people. In this way, you can have private conversations for short periods with groups of up to five, and then can move on to another conversation when you tire of that one.
This is how I am, as long as I know the majority of the people. I can only carry on a conversation with one group of people for so long, and with this size group I mingle and have a series of short conversations.
With people I don't know I tend to be almost silent at first. It's not intentional, I just don't know what to say. I think part of the problem is that in situations where there are a lot of people who don't know each other a lot of people ask questions that only require one word answers. What is your name, where are you from, what's your major, etc. Once I get into the mode of answering with one or two words, it's hard to get out of it even if I could make a longer answer.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
I sometimes have a hard time going alone to a party full of strangers, but so long as I have a friend or two with me for banter, it's usually a pretty good time. But that one friend's pretty key for opening up conversation to the rest of the room, I've noticed. Without it, the room's ice cold.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Actually cmc, I was referring to Tom's comment. If you take that out of context, it can be a bit funny. Posts: 1069 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Ever wonder how many comments that can be taken out of context were meant that way? There's got to be a statistic somewhere... There are statistics on everything!
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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I am comfortable in front of a crowd, because in a sense I am a performer. However, in a more give-and-take environment, I tend to be quiet until I feel comfortable. Sometimes people mistake me as being more shy than I actually am; the fact is, once I get going I tend to be fairly dominant. It just takes me a bit to get going.*
But if somebody comments on me being shy or quiet during that initial period, then it's all over. I might as well go home. Because that will make me self-conscious and unable to find a way to be myself and interact with the group--it will feel forced to me. The rest of any event where somebody comments on me being quiet is invariably excruciating to me. In fact, thinking upon it now, next time it happens I will save myself hours of misery and seek the next possible excuse to go home.
*And sometimes I just can't find a niche, like when I'm the lone married man in a room full of flirtatious singles.
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