posted
My boyfriend is planning to move in with me soon. I'm happy about it, but I'm also afraid we'll kill each other. And I'm kind of a slob, so I'm afraid he'll get pissed off about that. We already worked out expenses and such (which are, essentially, he pays utilities and food because my parents are paying the mortgage). But...yeah, how did you adjust to sharing your home?
posted
My one foray into living with an SO ended not because of us living together, which was fine, but because the relationship ended. In other words, living with her was no problem in and of itself.
Of course, I grew up sharing a room with two brothers, so YMMV.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
When I've lived with someone, the transition has always been a fairly slow, organic one, where we eventually realize that we're defacto living together but paying for rent on two different places. Usually official living together has come about when one of the two leases ended.
Have you had roommates before?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I grew up sharing a room with 2 brothers but it was not until my missionary days that I REALLY learned how to live with a stranger.
I got married a few months ago and obviously we moved in together. Its actually been much easier then I thought it would be because I had to learn to live with men who were much more fickle.
My wife is pretty much happy as I do just a handful of easy things that make things more bearable.
She was very surprised that I don't pee standing up, as that was one of the things her girlfriends had told her to start dreading. Regaling her with horror stories about husbands who get it all over the walls and even on the ceiling occasionally.
posted
The main thing, I think, is money and time/togetherness allocation. If neither of you have financial difficulties, that helps a lot for obvious reasons.
The other question, of time, is a bit more difficult to master. For instance, I like my alone time, and she liked being together as much as possible. Anecdotally, I have heard of other people having problems with friends time and couple time.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by pH: My boyfriend is planning to move in with me soon. I'm happy about it, but I'm also afraid we'll kill each other. And I'm kind of a slob, so I'm afraid he'll get pissed off about that. We already worked out expenses and such (which are, essentially, he pays utilities and food because my parents are paying the mortgage). But...yeah, how did you adjust to sharing your home?
-pH
Ultimately, it's going to hinge on whether the two of you can make your expectations clearly known beforehand and attempt to uphold your ends of whatever bargains you strike. Communication about this is key.
If you're a slob and it will bother him, it's your responsibility to try harder. If you slack off (and you will, everyone does!), it's his responsibility to peacefully communicate his dissatisfaction to you. And vice versa, for anything else you two run into problems about.
Don't ask the impossible of each other. It's reasonable for him to expect you to pick up periodically; it's unreasonable of him to expect you to turn into an OCD neat freak just because he moves in.
This is how my roommate and I get along. I am a hundred thousand times more meticulous, clean, neat and organized than he is, but we discussed it beforehand and agreed that because my standards are significantly higher than his, the responsibility to maintain those standards is almost exclusively mine. Hence, I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. In return, he never, EVER gets to whine or complain about the state of the apartment, the availability of food, the quality thereof, etc., and is required to do any task I ask of him more or less immediately - which works, because I rarely ask.
We both uphold our ends of the bargain to the letter, and it works beautifully.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I would echo Storm in that the main problem I've run in to living with a SO is finding alone time. I assume you know how much time you can spend with your SO before you kill him, and if that is all the time, good for you. But if it's not, you should work out a way for each of you to be alone.
quote:She was very surprised that I don't pee standing up, as that was one of the things her girlfriends had told her to start dreading. Regaling her with horror stories about husbands who get it all over the walls and even on the ceiling occasionally.
Who are these guys?
Oh, these guys are everywhere. They hide inside of us. There's one inside you right now, just waiting to come out and urinate on the upholstery. What can you do to keep these cheeky leakers locked away for good? Not drink so much alcohol that everything in your apartment looks like a toilet. Good luck my friend, and God bless... you'll need it.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
You and the boyfriend need to have a conversation about tolerance and respect. Then, whenever you are feeling that things are getting stressful, ask yourself, "Am I being tolerant? Am I being respectful? Is he?" If you are not, then get with it! And if he is not, remind him about the tolerance and respect conversation.
I think that tolerance and respect go a long way towards smoothing out most problems.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by vonk: Oh, these guys are everywhere. They hide inside of us. There's one inside you right now, just waiting to come out and urinate on the upholstery.
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: You and the boyfriend need to have a conversation about tolerance and respect. Then, whenever you are feeling that things are getting stressful, ask yourself, "Am I being tolerant? Am I being respectful? Is he?" If you are not, then get with it! And if he is not, remind him about the tolerance and respect conversation.
I think that tolerance and respect go a long way towards smoothing out most problems.
Agreed. My wife and I are very open and respectfully so, we don't let any problems get to the point where there is an explosion. If things get heated either of us can say, "You don't need to yell please?" The other always calms down immediately because we have established that a loud voice serves no useful purpose.
Obviously we are not perfect, but I take pride in the fact that we are better then most accounts of early married life that I have heard.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by vonk: I would echo Storm in that the main problem I've run in to living with a SO is finding alone time. I assume you know how much time you can spend with your SO before you kill him, and if that is all the time, good for you. But if it's not, you should work out a way for each of you to be alone.
He works ~80 hour weeks and usually doesn't get off work until after midnight. So I'm hoping I can get my "me" time before midnight. But he also tends to wake up earlier than I would like to, and then he tries to wake me up, and I'm cranky...
I've had roommates, but so far I haven't been able to successfully share a bedroom with any of them...but they were also all female. But yeah...I didn't get along with them. At all. Which may have had a lot to do with personal space issues. Or maybe they were just psycho.
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: She was very surprised that I don't pee standing up, as that was one of the things her girlfriends had told her to start dreading. Regaling her with horror stories about husbands who get it all over the walls and even on the ceiling occasionally.
Who are these guys?
I thought I was the only one. My wife likes to bring up that fact when we are heckling each other. I tell her my aim is poor and I am too lazy to clean up.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
*LOL* I've gotten used to Michael putting the toilet seat down...so used to it that I'm absolutely shocked when I have guy friends over who don't.
Then again, I also think that since it's a woman's house, you should put the damn seat down...
quote:Then again, I also think that since it's a woman's house, you should put the damn seat down...
I fully agree. But I find it odd that women don't feel the need to put the seat back up in a guys house. I don't know how many times I've stumbled into the bathroom at night and peed all over the seat because someone left it down.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hmm, well, I would tend to think that the person assuming the most risk would care a bit more, and therefor carry the burden. But I also understand the social stigma against men leaving up toilet seats and will therefor put them down to prevent feather/tar combination attacks.
Edit: The Rabbit: Not when peeing.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
My wife teases me, but she should thank me. Her butt hasn't touched cold water in nearly seven years.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by vonk: Hmm, well, I would tend to think that the person assuming the most risk would care a bit more, and therefor carry the burden.
posted
I compromised with my wife, we both put the toilet seat down. There are two lids after all on most toilets. If she couldn't be bothered to put the top seat down, then I couldn't be bothered to put down any of them.
I agree with pretty much everyone though. My wife and I are still figuring things out ourselves, but I think the most important thing to realize is that you are not moving in with yourself.
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it can be harder to adjust to living with someone when they are moving into a place that was once all yours. The couple's I've known who done it that way have always had a harder time than those that got a new place that they moved into together.
Right now the place is yours alone. Since stuff has a tendency to expand to fill the available space, you probably have stuff in every room and every closet. You likely have things decorated the way you like them. You have things arranged the way you find convenient. When he moves in, some of the space will have to become his space. He will likely want some of his pictures on the walls and some of his things in places that you are using.
You could end up feeling like he is invading your space and he could end up feeling like he has no rights in his own home.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
| IP: Logged |
For me its just so much easier for both people to just sit down. I hate having residual urine on the seat and thus I don't stand up because inevitably I am going to have to clean the seat afterwards.
Question, do you use the restroom with the door open or closed? Growing up my parents never shut the door, and now that I am married if Tiffany can see me the door is shut, if she can't it remains open. Though that could be because our restroom is just too small and opening/closing is very obnoxious.
I've asked friends and apparently its much more uncommon to leave the door open then not.
Weird side note. Whenever the cat sees me go to the restroom it runs over to its litter box and joins the fun. I am not sure what its thinking.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by rivka: People of both genders should CLOSE the lid.
Yeah, you win. In practice, this is my philosophy as well. In theory, however, I have qualms.
quote:Aiya. Birth control's the woman's responsibility too, eh?
Yes! No, no, of course not. To me, the risks in this situation are both so high that they are of equal importance to both parties. But I also understand that not everyone feels the same way.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh, the stuff, that's another thing. All of the guys stuff must go. I had a stop sign on a pedistal for an end table. A beer keg for a microwave stand. A plastic statue of a penguin in the corner. And finally, a collection of beer bottle caps in a jar. Everything went. All replaced with candles, flowers, and jars. Why do we need so many jars?
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by brojack17: Oh, the stuff, that's another thing. All of the guys stuff must go. I had a stop sign on a pedistal for an end table. A beer keg for a microwave stand. A plastic statue of a penguin in the corner. And finally, a collection of beer bottle caps in a jar. Everything went. All replaced with candles, flowers, and jars. Why do we need so many jars?
I demanded one room, for me it turned into the den. I have my old Jimmy Buffett lps on the wall, and a few other knick knacks from the college dorm days.
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
I've known men who sit down to pee. They tend to be very considerate guys who don't expect that someone else will clean up after them if they miss the target.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
| IP: Logged |
I've known men who sit down to pee. They tend to be very considerate guys who don't expect that someone else will clean up after them if they miss the target.
Many would call that whipped. :-)
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: I think it can be harder to adjust to living with someone when they are moving into a place that was once all yours. The couple's I've known who done it that way have always had a harder time than those that got a new place that they moved into together.
Right now the place is yours alone. Since stuff has a tendency to expand to fill the available space, you probably have stuff in every room and every closet. You likely have things decorated the way you like them. You have things arranged the way you find convenient. When he moves in, some of the space will have to become his space. He will likely want some of his pictures on the walls and some of his things in places that you are using.
You could end up feeling like he is invading your space and he could end up feeling like he has no rights in his own home.
I do worry about this, but he actually helped me decorate (actually, he's had a key since before we started dating, since he helped me move in, and I thought it would be a good idea for someone else to have one just in case). I kind of feel like he has SOME part in my house; he helps with repairs and stuff. He does want the left bedroom closet, which is now exclusively devoted to my jeans.
We're hoping that at some point, he can rent a bigger place and we can live there, but I'm not sure how long it will be before that's realistic. The storm ate his house, so he's been sleeping on his parents' couch because until recently, rents have been ridiculously high (which is why I have a mortgage in the first place - it was cheaper).
quote:Originally posted by brojack17: Oh, the stuff, that's another thing. All of the guys stuff must go. I had a stop sign on a pedistal for an end table. A beer keg for a microwave stand. A plastic statue of a penguin in the corner. And finally, a collection of beer bottle caps in a jar. Everything went. All replaced with candles, flowers, and jars. Why do we need so many jars?
I demanded one room, for me it turned into the den. I have my old Jimmy Buffett lps on the wall, and a few other knick knacks from the college dorm days.
I have a room now. Now that we are older and there are enough rooms to go around. But it was just in the last 1 1/2 years that my things came out of the attic.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Wow, vonk, that "women have the most risk so they have the most responsibility" comment made my lesbian side hop up and scream "SEE WHAT THEY ARE LIKE!!"
Have a little courtesy. Be nice to any woman unfortunate enough to love you.
Put the damn seat down.
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've known my wife for fifteen years, and have been married for four. And we're *still* at odds in this regard.
Part of the problem is that I don't have my own room - no den, no garage, nothing - and she has... well... the entire house. The family dog has more room to keep his stuff than I do.
Then again, short of where my clothes are I've learned to be entirely self sufficient on my laptop bag, which pretty much contains everything I need. No, no towel, but still.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Stephan: The idea that someone is "whipped" if they're nice to the woman they love is one of the nastiest things about men's culture.
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Wow, vonk, that "women have the most risk so they have the most responsibility" comment made my lesbian side hop up and scream "SEE WHAT THEY ARE LIKE!!"
Have a little courtesy. Be nice to any woman unfortunate enough to love you.
Put the damn seat down.
I needed something to make me laugh today.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Stephan: The idea that someone is "whipped" if they're nice to the woman they love is one of the nastiest things about men's culture.
So true.
Fortunately, most of the men I know don't feel this way.
Except for Porter, apparently. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by pH: He does want the left bedroom closet, which is now exclusively devoted to my jeans.
This has me thinking...does this mean you have way too many clothes, or that I have far too little?
*doesn't have enough jeans to fill a drawer *
I don't really own any pants that aren't jeans. And I keep jeans that don't fit me anymore just in case. So I have like...eight jeans and three denim skirts. *thinks* What else is in that closet...um, some skirts...
On the other hand, I have too many underwear for a single drawer.
Edit: I just remembered that he uses FABRIC SOFTENER. How are we going to share laundry?!! *is allergic to fabric softener*
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Have a little courtesy for the men. Leave the seat up.
I honestly do not understand how anyone with pets and/or small children can object to the notion of closing the lid.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Closing the lid because critters can't be trusted not to play in it is so totally different argument than closing it because there are women who might that toilet.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by pH: He does want the left bedroom closet, which is now exclusively devoted to my jeans.
This has me thinking...does this mean you have way too many clothes, or that I have far too little?
*doesn't have enough jeans to fill a drawer *
I don't really own any pants that aren't jeans. And I keep jeans that don't fit me anymore just in case. So I have like...eight jeans and three denim skirts. *thinks* What else is in that closet...um, some skirts...
On the other hand, I have too many underwear for a single drawer.
Edit: I just remembered that he uses FABRIC SOFTENER. How are we going to share laundry?!! *is allergic to fabric softener*
-pH
Well, I would lead with something along the lines of:
"Honey, I know how much you love fabric softener...but if you use it, I might die."
Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Have a little courtesy for the men. Leave the seat up.
I honestly do not understand how anyone with pets and/or small children can object to the notion of closing the lid.
Seconded. Many years ago, my cat (kitten at the time) would jump on the toilet to get to the sink and lick at the water there. Until the day my dad left the seat up...
Posts: 3852 | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
