Tomorrow a former roommate of mine is celebrating his birthday. Some of our mutual friends, whom I bumped into in the supermarket, told me that they'd be going. Now, I'm pondering whether I should go along with them.
I'm guessing most people wouldn't have to think about this but, as my previous posts might have given away, I have a negative self-image and tend to forego social gatherings because of this.
There are, however, two issues that complicate the matter further. And they both tend to make me lean towards not attending the party.
1) Tomorrow is also my birthday. But I really don't feel like celebrating my birthday. Since I don't want to turn the turn the party into a double celebration, I'm going to try and keep that fact on the down-low.
2) I know that a certain girl is going to be there. She has been occupying a large amount of my thoughts over the last year and a half. You see, last Christmas I told her I was in love with her. She didn't return my feelings, and had in fact just started seeing another guy (whom she's still seeing). I have been unable to get over my love for her (though I'm getting better at handling it), and though I like being near her, just being in the same room causes this bitter sweet agony within my heart. Also, this time she'll probably have her boy-friend with her (whom I have been able to avoid up until now), and I really don't know if could take the strain of having to watch the happy couple.
I am still trying to get better and by going to a party I would be breaking out of my pattern, which would most likely do me good. But perhaps I should forego this particular party and wait for event that is slightly less nerve-wrecking...
Anyway, I would like to have some feedback on this issue, If you'd be so kind as to share your wisdom with me. As I write this the local time is about midday on Friday. I have until about 18:00 hours tomorrow to make up my mind. I'll be checking in later tonight.
posted
Stinks being so conflicted on your birthday. Do you tend to be more conflicted when it is your birthday than at other times of the year? I know that is true for a lot of people.
I personally do not love most parties. They are too loud, I'm not dressed right for the crowd, and I have to pretend to be having a great time. I do not see this as a big moral failing on my part. I do like getting together with a group of friends. But a bunch of people that I don't care too much about, or that I'd rather avoid? How would it make me a better person to hang out with them?
Do you have a buddy or two that you can invite over or out for dinner or a movie tomorrow? Why torture yourself? Do something painlessly social.
And peace to you, too.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I agree with Tante. It sounds like the party would just end up making you feel worse about yourself, and that isn't going to help anyone. I'd go out to dinner with a friend or two and then watch DVDs and eat things that are really bad for you.*
*Eating things that are really bad for you might just be a female celebratory technique. I don't know.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Tante: Unfortunately most of my friends will be either attending the party, or are otherwise engaged. The one person who'd be best able to soothe me is in Japan at the moment. It's not usual for me to be more gloomy than usual on my birthday, but I have noticed a general tendency that leads me to be slightly more irritable on holidays, such as Easter or even Christmas.
blacwolve: Eating things that are bad for me is part of my routine. So I wouldn't be getting any extra joy out of such an act. As far as I know it's not something that's solely for women though. It's likely I have been using snack food all these years to somewhat console myself. Luckily it hasn't led to my being grossly overweight, though. As to your suggestion of watching some DVD's; I would, but the only film in my collection that I haven't watched yet is Schindler's List, and somehow I doubt that's going to cheer me up very much.
thanks for your responses, I'll be back later.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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1) Getting out and over your negative self image are important.
2) Realize that this girl is just a girl, not a goddess, not the center of the universe. She uses the toilet and blows her nose and neither of those are cute or funny or awesome. Find another girl and talk to her.
3) Moping around on your birthday is no fun.
4) Unless the police are involved or someone dies, you're almost always better off having gone to a party than not having gone. Even if it turns out to be lame, you get to see some people and have good stories for later. Don't do anything illegal or deadly and you're set.
5) The more you practice being fun, entertaining, sociable, and friendly, the more it becomes who you are. Being social and dating are skills, and you need to practice them like any other skill. Go out and talk to some people and have a good time.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote: 2) Realize that this girl is just a girl, not a goddess, not the center of the universe. She uses the toilet and blows her nose and neither of those are cute or funny or awesome. Find another girl and talk to her.
Great advice.
Eduardo: Go to the party and as hard as this is just stop investing your feelings in the girl. Besides girls notice when you stop paying attention and they start to wonder how to get it back, doesn't work all the time but I've seen it happen time and time again.
More importantly you might meet a new friend, perhaps a dude or even better a woman.
At my most realistic I would say that you would just have a good time at the party and thats ALWAYS worth it.
Since you can't arrange your own party, go to the other one and just have fun. If you lived in Utah you could hang out with me, but you don't so get your butt over to the party!
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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1) Getting out and over your negative self image are important.
4) Unless the police are involved or someone dies, you're almost always better off having gone to a party than not having gone. Even if it turns out to be lame, you get to see some people and have good stories for later. Don't do anything illegal or deadly and you're set.
This is spoken like someone who's never had serious self esteem problems. I've been to several parties where my mental health would have been much better served by not going.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: 2) Realize that this girl is just a girl, not a goddess, not the center of the universe. She uses the toilet and blows her nose and neither of those are cute or funny or awesome. Find another girl and talk to her.
I think that blowing your nose is cute...
Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
To be perfectly honest with you I might not be as much help as I want to be but everyone who has posted so far is right.
But it comes down to how you feel that day, how you feel about the people that will be at the party and so on and so forth...
If the same people that you would want to hang out with you on your birthday will also be at the party, why not go and hang out with them there. As for the girl, don't sweat it, if she didn't feel the same way about you then it is obviously her loss not yours.
I can understand why you wouldn't want to go also though. I avoid parties and social gathering like the plague now days where a couple of years ago I was the first person in the door and last one out.
Lastly, as if I have contradicted myself enough, since it is your birthday and no one should really be alone on your birthday you should go just to hang out with people, whether you know them or not. Hey look at it this way last year you told that girl how you felt, maybe some girl will tell you how she feels this year.
Ya never know, words to live by.
Posts: 871 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't go. If you're undecided, go (or maybe not).
Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
You should go. But plan an excuse ahead of time in case you are miserable. If you get there and it's too much or too hard or just plain dull, pull out your excuse and leave. But if you don't go, there's no chance of your having that particular fun, so go for awhile to see what it has to offer.
And plan out an alternative activity for you to do if it is lame. Like go to a movie-theatre or something on the way home and have some fun regardless of the status of the party-going.
Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
Any self esteem problems aren't going to just go away by sitting at home by yourself, on your birthday. If you're by yourself, you tend to beat yourself up, you wonder if maybe you would have got the girl if you had gone, you wonder why nobody likes you.
The thing is, they DO like you. They hang out with you. They told you about the party. These are your friends. Go have fun with them.
Forget about this girl. You like her, she has a boyfriend. It happens all the time. You've invested WAY too much of yourself here. Find another girl, talk with her.
It sounds like a large part of your self esteem problem is feelings that you're no good with women. Not the case, my friend. You weren't right for this one particular woman at this one particular time. There are other women out there who would love to meet you. They're at places like friends' parties, not places like your room.
You're young. Go out and have fun. Five years from now you'll either think, "Too bad I skipped all those parties. Boy, was I silly!" or you'll think, "Man, I can't believe all the crazy stuff that happened at that party. I was really nervous, but it all turned out fine, after all, it was just my friends."
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by dean: You should go. But plan an excuse ahead of time in case you are miserable.
A good way to do this: ask a friend who isn't going to call you at X time. Then if you're miserable, when the friend calls, you can act like there's a problem that only you can solve, so you have to go help your friend.
posted
That seems like a self-defeating attitude to me. Go to the party, and plan to have a good time. Don't go with the idea in your head that you're going to hate it and need an excuse to leave. If you plan not to have any fun, you won't.
Decide ahead of time that you're going to have fun. Go with some friends, so you have people around you that you know. Then meet some new people, listen to the music, whatever. You'll have tons to talk about with everyone there, with all your common school activities, classes, semester ending etc.
Positive attitude is the key. If you decide to have fun, you'll plan all the good things that can happen. You'll smile, you'll be easy going. You'll come off to other people as friendly. It's a party, you'll have fun. Go enjoy yourself with your friends!
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Right now, I don't think I'll go but I still have about 80 minutes to change my mind. So anything could still happen.
Some additional info that I really should have mentioned in my first post:
The party is in another town. I'll probably have get there by train and a return ticket will cost me about 35 euro's. I usually spend that much on my groceries for two weeks.
As far as I know the only people at the party that I know will be the host, the couple that informed me of the party in the first place and lastly, HER.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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I do not think of her as some sort of immaculate goddess. I'm well aware that she has her flaws, but her qualities definitely outweigh any imperfections I've noticed so far. She is the one person who understands me best, even though she herself would deny it. She doesn't let me get away with any bullshit when it comes to myself. She has the uncanny ability to say exactly the right thing at the right time and doesn't shy away from being openly critical.
After she initially turned me down, I attempted to utter my feelings several more times, but all I can manage when I want to tell her is an incoherent babbling.
The worst part is that I actually agree with her rejection. I don't see any reason why she would want to be with me. Yet this doesn't stop me from longing for her.
It was mentioned that being social and dating skills, and that I should practice them to get better. It's not as if I don't agree, but if I'm unable to do something about my feelings for her, I'm afraid there won't be any room in my heart for another girl. To sum up the situation by way of an all time favourite American euphemism: She has been my third strike (and miss). It is now time for me to sit down on the bench and let the game continue.
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posted
Eduardo, the fact that you capitalize HER and feel that there will never be another like her means you are giving her an undue level of emotional commitment. She obviously hasn't earned it from you, as she's not reciprocating your feelings.
You're young. This kind of thing happens. Don't worry, you won't be your whole life pining away for this one girl. The reason she hasn't been replaced in your heart is because you haven't found another girl you like better yet.
You like her because you said she doesn't let you get away with bullshit. Sounds like you don't want to let yourself get away with any bullshit, as you agree with her rejection. So make the choice not to BS yourself. Realize that you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be honest with yourself.
Don't sell yourself short. Whether or not you go to this one party or date this one girl is not a deciding factor in your future happiness. To borrow from your baseball analogy, it's only one inning. You have to sit down for a few minutes, but you get to go back to bat very soon. Even if you don't get a hit this game, you've got your whole career ahead of you. None of the greats were made in a single game.
Hope you have a great birthday. Look forward to good things this year, it's obvious that you're on the road to changing things for the better.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Until I read your second to last post, ESE, I'd have said go. Now that you mention that it'll cost you the equivalent of two weeks' food to make the trip, plus the fact that you'll only know two people there, two of whom you're ambivalent about seeing, I'm changing my answer to "no go".
I do still think you should get out of the house, just not to that particular event. I don't know how tight your budget is or how entertainment options are placed around you, but I'd suggest going to the movie theater or maybe even to a nightclub that has some kind of live performances.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Just to inform those of you that have imparted to me their thoughts on this subject:
I didn't go to the party.
My birthday was like any other Saturday. I got up, actually managed to do some household chores (which is another one of my weak points) while listening to the envigorating music of Led Zep. Then I had to work, which kept me busy for circa four hours. After that, I spent the most of the remains of the day watching TV. (Actually witnessed the final 30 minutes of The Cat in the Hat...) All in all it wasn't too bad.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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Happy belated birthday. Sorry I didn't notice this thread in time to say that on your actual birthday! Even if it was just another day for you.
I probably wouldn't have gone either, with all the stuff you mentioned going on. I'm an introvert, and I know for me, a party with a bunch of people I don't know is a nerve-wracking event and doesn't tend to leave me feeling glad I went. There have been exceptions, but I'm guessing from MightyCow's posts that she's an extrovert ;-).
I do agree that under less emotionally-charged (and expensive) circumstances, that you should have gone, just because of the kinds of changes you are trying to make in your life.
Keep trying. Like MC said, the fact that the hosts invited you says that you are a valued friend to someone. And I agree that just because the person you value most isn't interested in you romantically does not mean you are not worth that interest. It happens all the time.
The very fact that she understand you and has been up front with you enough to not let you get away w/ BS tells me that she takes you seriously as a person. Which tells me that there are others out there who will do the same.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Eduardo, it sounds like you made the right choice. But I hope you do get out more.
Lack of social skills is just that, a lack of skill. Some people have more natural ability than others, but absolutely everyone can learn how with practice. Sitting at home and saying to yourself "I can't do that" are obviously not going to get you any practice.
I'm a naturally shy person, and got beat up a lot as a kid, which didn't improve my ability to relate to people. But when I was a teenager, my mom sort of made me learn how to interact socially with people. It really is just a skill that anyone can learn, and once you learn it, everyone around you will be grateful and glad that you know how, and they'll enjoy being with you because your comfort level in social situations will be contagious. Because you feel comfortable, so will they, so they'll seek you out.
The skill is not that hard to learn. Like any other skill, it takes some practice and effort. That is all. It's like beating a video game, or learning to ride a bike. Saying "I'm no good at that" and not trying, is a good way to be lonely forever.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: That seems like a self-defeating attitude to me. Go to the party, and plan to have a good time. Don't go with the idea in your head that you're going to hate it and need an excuse to leave. If you plan not to have any fun, you won't.
It's not a self-defeating attitude. It's giving yourself an out of a potentially miserable situation, leaving you putting less pressure on yourself to have a good time or appear to have a good time for the sake of not having a terrible night. If you know you'll be able to leave gracefully if you have to, you can relax and maybe actually have a good time in what could have been an awkward situation.
quote:5) The more you practice being fun, entertaining, sociable, and friendly, the more it becomes who you are. Being social and dating are skills, and you need to practice them like any other skill. Go out and talk to some people and have a good time.
This is absolutely spot on. I had similar social caveats a few years back, when I felt like I didn't have any friends, didn't fit in, didn't look right, etc. And even for years afterward I was uncomfortable in places where I didn't know everyone, or where I might be forced to make small talk (like an airplane seat, or stuck in line, etc).
Being a reporter has helped me get over this almost entirely, in both a personal AND a professional sense. By spending lots of time on the phone and at lunch with strangers, I got a TON better at striking up random conversations and keeping them going. I also got more and more comfortable, to the point where I can usually have a good time chatting with people I hardly know. That wasn't true even a year or two ago.
The more you put yourself out there, the better you will be at navigating social situations.
One trick a reporter told me once is to pretend and act like you are an interesting person also worth talking to, that the person across from you is lucky to be involved in conversation with you. (This usually has the virtue of being true, not pretend, though it would obviously be egomaniacal to really think that... ). This technique will give you the confidence to continue the conversation and also the self-awareness (if you are in fact a person of modesty) to inquire about the other person enough to balance the conversation.
Posts: 1784 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Thank you for all the support. I will continue to try and improve myself. This evening I'll be having dinner with a friend of mine and afterwards we'll probably go and see a movie.
As to my birthday, it will not go completely uncelebrated. Next saturday, after I'm done working I will be traveling homeward to spend Christmas with my parents. I'll get some gifts (even though I already know what most of them will be), my mother will prepare some of my favourite dishes and I'll be able to spend some time with my brother.
Several of you have said that my fixation with this one particular girl is unhealthy (or at the least unwise). I do not totally disagree, but, as in almost all of such cases, the situation is slightly more complicated than the outline I have given above. Perhaps I will be able to explore the subject more fully in a later thread.
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