posted
two men went hunting, one of them fell to the ground suddenly, grabbing at his chest. The other called 911 on his cell phone. "Hello?" "Yes, my friend and I are out hunting and he just collapsed, i think he had a heart attack. He may be dead." "Well, first thing we need to do is make sure if he's dead" Suddenly over the line the operator hears a loud report. "Ok... now what?"
Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Posts: 299 | Registered: Jan 2007
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Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog. __________________________________________________________________________
Bill Gates, Bill Clinton (Outdated, I know), A young hippie, and an old woman are all on a plane together.
Meanwhile, in the engine compartment, something goes horribly wrong. It explodes.
The pilot rushes out, explains the situation, and then gave even worse news.
"There's on 4 parachutes", said he, "And I've got one of them." He jumped of the plane.
Bill Clinton stood up. "I believe that I am one of the most influential men in the world, so I should have a parachute." He took one, and jumped off.
Bill Gates stood up. "I believe that the Smartest man in the world should have a parachute." He took one, and also jumped off.
The elderly lady turned to the young hippie, looking past his long hair and scraggly clothes, and said "Son, I lived my life. I've loved, lost, laughed, cried, and everything in between. You have your life ahead of you. Go. Take the parachute."
The hippie just smiled. "Don't worry. We'll both go. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."
Posts: 438 | Registered: May 2006
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Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates are in a plane together, and it crashes. They find themselves before the pearly gates, where they're told that they have to have a short interview with God before a decision is made whether they can go in or not.
Clinton stands before God, who asks, "Mr. Clinton, what do you believe?"
Clinton thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I believe in peace in the Middle East."
"Enter," booms God.
Al Gore is ushered in, and God asks him the same thing: "Mr. Gore, what do you believe?"
Gore doesn't have to think long. "I believe in the environment."
"Enter," God says in a deep and resonant voice.
Bill Gates is the last. "Mr. Gates," says God, "what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my seat."
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
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A blonde, brunette and a redhead were hiking in the woods when they got lost. They came to a cliff and could see their camp on the other side. One of them found a magic lamp and out popped a genie who said,"If you jump of this cliff and say the name of something I will turn you into it." The brunette leaped off and said "eagle!" Sure enought, she turned into an eagle, flew to the other side and became a person again. The redhead jumped, and said, "Plane!" She turned into a plane and did what the brunette did. The blonde was about to jump when she stripped and fell of the cliff, "Crap!"
Two guys are out in the desert when one gets bitten by a poisonous snake on the butt. His friend calls the doctor. "What should i do, my friend just got bit by a snake!" The doctor answered, "Ok, you need to suck out the poison and get him to a hospital" The guy hangs up the phone. His snake-bitten friends asks, "what'd he say?" "You're gonna die."
Don't read the below if you are under 12. Mary went to a catholic school. One day, the teacher was asking the students questions about religion when Mary fell asleep. "Mary, who created Adam and Eve?" the teacher asked her. When Mary didn't answer, the boy behind her named Jim poked her hard with his pencil. "OH MY GOD!" Mary exclaimed and shortly went back to sleep. A little later... "Mary, who died on the cross?" Mary didn't answer so jim poked her with the pencil again. "JESUS CHRIST!" Mary said, then fell asleep. Even later... "Mary, what did Eve say after her second child?" Jim jabbed her one last time. "I swear, if you jab me with that one more time I'll rip it in half!" The teacher fainted.
Posts: 48 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
A kindergarten teacher has a taste test for her class. Little Johnny is first up. She blindfolds him, pops a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asks, "What is it Johnny?"
"I'm not sure. . ."
"OK, Johnny, I'll give you a hint: it's something your daddy gets from your mommy every morning before he leaves for work."
Suddenly, a girl at the back of the room yells out, "Spit it out, Johnny! It's a piece of ass!"
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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