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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » If Shakespear had written Star Wars (Page 1)

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Author Topic: If Shakespear had written Star Wars
Dan_raven
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Sorry, no cute linkage.

Lisa's thread about Shakespeare rewritten got my backwards mind thinking about what would modern day stories be like if Shakespeare had written them, (Or Sir Francis Bacon for that matter).

1) Han Solo--Han Bottom.

2) Long soliloquy when Luke finds his Aunt and Uncles bodies.

3) The sounds of laser blasts in the beginning battle scene would be silenced by the cries of "I die!." "Egads, I am run through." etc.

4) The opening written words "A long time ago..." would be in Iambic Pentameter.

5) The Cantina scenes would include fife, lyre and annoying folk dances.

6) Darth Vader's asides to the audience would have been great!

7) There would be no other Star Wars movies because EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE DIED AT THE END!
More to follow after my meeting.

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pooka
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Chewbacca would have worn tights.

Princess Leia would have been played by a dude.

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Enigmatic
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I would love to see the OT with Darth Vader's asides to the audience.
[ROFL]

To Luke: "So... You have a sister. Your feelings have betrayed her."
To Audience: "Weren't they making out in the second act? I may be an evil abomination of man and machine, but that's just creepy."

--Enigmatic

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pooka
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"where have I seen that hairstyle before? :inhale: :exhale:"
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Teshi
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OMG

Writing project!

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The Rabbit
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quote:
7) There would be no other Star Wars movies because EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE DIED AT THE END!
More to follow after my meeting.

But the first movie would have taken 6 hours to show unabridged.


No one would say "Yipee"!

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Lyrhawn
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Vader - "Luke, thou must know deep in thine heart, buried beneath the sinews of bone and flesh, that it is I who so long ago, twixt youth and age, sired you."

Luke - "Nay! Thy words and truth are but folly! Nayyyyyyyyyyyy"

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The Rabbit
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quote:
Luke - "Nay! Thy words and truth are but folly! Nayyyyyyyyyyyy"
Certainly Shakespeare would have come up with a better line than "Nayyyyyy". Perhaps a long poignant soliloquy.
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The Rabbit
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Has anyone watched the version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail with subtitles from Shakespeare plays?
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Lyrhawn
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Never heard of it, but just the premise sounds amusing.

quote:
Certainly Shakespeare would have come up with a better line than "Nayyyyyy". Perhaps a long poignant soliloquy.
Probably, I was just going for the quick joke though [Smile]
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JonHecht
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I watched part of it, Rabbit. I have been meaning to rewatch it.
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Dan_raven
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Yoda's quirky way of talking would have fit right in.

Leia "Forsooth yon noble Han, I lovest thou most sorely."
Han "I knowest."

Vader would have killed Obi Wan via poison in the ear.

Obi Wan, "Lucas, use the Force and free thine powers of wrath and destruction upon yon Death Star."
Luke, "Begone foul demon who doth enter unbidden upon my mind. Are thou truly the spirit of thy dear mentor, these two days slain by the evil Darth Vader at the Emperor's cruel bidding, or perchance are thou some demon from the dark abyss, sent up to bewitch and distract me from my lawful and noble purpose. Do I heed thy claims of the old and forbidden church, and make sacrifice those ways long held dear by kith and kin? To lay revenge upon those fell mortals who have slain all thy family, aye even he who sired me, and who have bereft the universe of a planet and all its people, shall I and I alone take up the call to these beliefs that our sovereign, no matter how erroneously chosen, have lawfully and righteously claimed to be wrong. Do I turn a deaf ear to those crimes and sins committed for centuries by those who dared to claim the name Jedi, and so by seeking this safeguard and justice, perhaps do more unjustice still? Tell me spirit, if spirit you truly are...'
Obi Wan "Never mind kid, you passed the exhaust port five minutes ago."

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Philosofickle
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Brilliant!
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brojack17
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Would Han have drawn first blood?
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advice for robots
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'Tis no moon.
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Enigmatic
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I really don't know how you'd poison a lightsaber, though.

--Enigmatic

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Javert
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Hmmm, well, "Strong in the force, Skywalker is," does happen to be perfect iambic pentameter.
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MightyCow
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Greedo: Do you shoot your blaster at me, sir?

Han: I do shoot my blaster sir.

Greedo: Do you shoot your blaster at me, sir?

Han: *BLAST* No sir, I do not shoot my blaster at you, sir, but I shoot my blaster, sir.

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C3PO the Dragon Slayer
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I love this thread!
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krynn
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wait... Shakespeare didnt write SW?
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Lissande
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No matter how I try, I can't get "Strong in the force, Skywalker is" to come out in iambic pentameter. Maybe if you make it "Hmmm, well, 'Strong in the force, Skywalker is'" ... [Smile]
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pooka
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That's definitely a treble foot. But I can't remember the names of them. One was dactylic. But it's only eight syllables.
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pooka
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"All's well that ends well, situation normal...
and thy trothe?" :wince:

"I know not thy voice. Who art thou?"

"If thou wilt thy life forsake, come thou not down to seek yon radiation leak."

"If not, thine operating number I shall require!"

:blasts console:

"Thy discourse my reins doth petrify. Chewie! The goblets with new wine courseth!"

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Dan_raven
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The Awful Tragedy and New Hope Filled Comedy of Stars At War.

by William Shakespeare.


Scene 1
Act 1

Scene set in a cargo section of some ship of space.
Sounds of battle outside the room can be heard.

Enter Princess Leia

Leia: Oh, to be born a long long time ago, or perchance in some galaxy far far away. But alas, I Pricess Leia Organa am alive today and am present in this small ship even now being over run by the stormtroopers of the evil Lord Vader.

I, a Princess from Alderan and a Senator in the Galactic Government am secretly a leader of those who rebel against the unjust tyranny and evil ways of our Emperor. Long have I feared this dreaded day when at last my loyalties would be discovered. Long have I known the fate such beliefs shall ever lead me too.

Hark, who is that? RosenD2 and GildenPO? Quick, come my good servants. Come hither anon.

Enter RosenD2 and GildenPO--Two Droid Servants.

RosenD2: Beep-eth? Beep Whistle Beep-eth?
Gilden: How may we help my lady? We have just come from the battle seeking some strategic place where we may yet win thee victory, but sorry am I to say that it goes not well for thee and thy supporters.

Leia: Tis to be expected loyal GildenPO. Wroth is Lord Vader with our rebellion, and strong tis the forces arraigned against us. Yet there is something of more import than just our capture.

GildenPO: [aside] Nay, there is not of more import than thine own life. May my mistress be safe, yet may I be the safer.

Leia: E'en now I have upon my person great intelligence about thy enemy. Of Urgency the greatest it is that this message be speedily delivered unto those of the Rebellion. Forsooth, the Emperor has spawned a new engine of destruction, and this may be the only information to tell of how it may be destroyed.

I have a thought, dear servants. Suppose that I dress myself as a man, a servant like unto yourselves. Then I shall join in upon Lord Vaders retinue until such a time as we may escape notice and further our mission.

GildenPO: [Excitedly] Nay my mistress, a thousand times nay.

Leia: Pray why not friend GildenPO

GildenPO: I have seen this plot attempted many a time my Princess. In each attempt the lovely lady disguised so much as a true man, falls in love with the lord and master she seeks to fool.

Leia: Aye. Already as I ponder this plot of mine invention, I begin to think most kindly upon the body of Lord Vader.

GildnPO: Nay, Do not. Mine memory is far from whats it shoulds be, yet I say to the Nay. For you to embrace Lord Vader twould be a sin, a dark and disturbing sin worse than kissing ones own brother passionately upon his lips.

Leia: (Shivers) Ugh. If that is thy wisdom, so shall I heed it. Then onto our only other plan. I will slip this information chip onto the person of dear RosenD2. Then servants as thou arst, escape to the planet we even now circles by chance. Upon that planet thy shall find my fathers old friend and mentor, Obi Wan Kenobi. Beg of him to take this to the rebels anon.

GildenPO: But to leave thee here to face the battle and Lord Vader? Twould be Cowardly of us.
[aside] Most agreeable to my self, but let me show some show at bravery lest she think me unfit for her employ.

Leia: Go. Your task is far more dangerous than thine own. On you the fate of the rebellion lies.

RosenD2: Beep, whistle, toot, tootest, ethwhistle , beep beepest.

GildenPO: Alas, too true my friend. Heavy is the flash-drive that fate doth choose.

Leia: Farewell my good servants. To death I must go, or the foul graces of Lord Vader.
[Exuent]

RosenD2: Beep.

GildenPO: Farewell my Princess, now quickly Rosen, to the pods of our deliverance and escape.

[aside] A coward dies a thousand deaths,
A hero dies but one,
But I twould rather run away,
Than be blasted by yon gun.

End Act I scene I

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TomDavidson
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quote:
GildenPO: I have seen this plot attempted many a time my Princess. In each attempt the lovely lady disguised so much as a true man, falls in love with the lord and master she seeks to fool.

Leia: Aye. Already as I ponder this plot of mine invention, I begin to think most kindly upon the body of Lord Vader.

This was brilliant. [Smile]
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pooka
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:beepest in affirmation:
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Goody Scrivener
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quote:
Originally posted by MightyCow:
Greedo: Do you shoot your blaster at me, sir?

Han: I do shoot my blaster sir.

Greedo: Do you shoot your blaster at me, sir?

Han: *BLAST* No sir, I do not shoot my blaster at you, sir, but I shoot my blaster, sir.

:dies laughing:
especially since the elderGoodlet has been asking me about the whole "thumb my nose" bit and we just picked up a book of Shakespeare monologues last night for her.

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C3PO the Dragon Slayer
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One thing's for sure. "I don't like sand" would be far more interesting.
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ketchupqueen
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This. Thread. Is. Making. Me. Laugh. So. Hard. I. Can't. Breathe. Or. Talk. And. I'm. Choking.
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Noemon
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Guys, stop force-choking kq!
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brojack17
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*metallic breathing*

very well

*release grip*

*metallic breathing*

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ketchupqueen
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*gasps for breath*
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Dan_raven
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Act V
Scene III
(The climatic battle off screen)

Enter Darth Vader, ragged, perhaps being pulled on a cart.

Vader: Tis done. All tis done. All that was, tis gone. Lo the might of the Empire, lo the great Star of death that hung if not so prettily, so well in yon heaves, done and gone.

Brilliant was the light, brighter than a thousand moons, a flash and even in the silence of space, did it scream out its terrible dieing cry.

Yon rebels, with their rebellious deed and rebellious thoughts, dids't I not crush with thy imperial hand. Flights of X's and Y's did I not cross out as if I twer but some scholar at his Algerbraic mid-terminal examination. Gone they were fools and rebels all. Gone beneath my might.

Yet one fool didst slip thy net of destruction. One fool did with great luck, belch forth his minor weapon. Even him I would have foiled, but for the unexpected intervention of some fool of a pirate.

The weapon, minor in annoyance, unbearable in its effect, did find that low kink within the unassailble walls of thy castle, and with the finding there of, came the ending there of.

The flash, the cries, and a million loyal and faithful soldiers to the empire are gone to the silent empire beyond the veil.

I failed.

Terrible is the fate that thy master shall lay upon me for such utter failure. All due to that young pilot.

And yet despite the Rebel win
And damage that twas done
I must now say to my surprise
The Force is Strong within that one.

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Human
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Oh my. This wins, so hard. Dan, I would gladly pay for a full rendition of the trilogy in this style.
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AvidReader
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[ROFL]

Hooray, Dan!

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brojack17
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Maybe OSC should put on this stage production.
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Scott R
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Dan, that is seriously brilliant.
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Dan_raven
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Empire Strikes Back
Act II
Scene i

Enter Lt Horatio.

Hor: My Lord Vader?

Vader: (Offstage--heavy metallic breathing--twice)
Enter Lord Vader, unmasked, placing the mask over his cruely marked face.

Vader: To breathe, or not to breathe, that is the question. Whether tis nobler to face thy master's plan or dare I defy it and face thy master's wrath? (Heavy breathing, falls to knees) This face. This face twas once a lovely thing. My love dids't once sing soft words about my dream face. Now tis no dream but a nightmare made flesh, made flesh to real, to painful. Painful is this face in its existence and in its mockery of the dream twas once. (Falls forward. Forces mask on face.)

Hor: My lord Vader?

Vader: (Breathing his normal abnormal) That face that was once mine is only visible in the shadows of my memory, and on the one I was sent to destroy. (stands) As the emperor wills, so it must be done. Yet that face tis so. That face tis so.

Hor: Those who woulds seek the bounty thy has offered have arrived my lord.

Vader: Come then.
Exuent

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Shan
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Oh, I so sorely needed that laugh, fair _raven. My thanks. *giggle*
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Orincoro
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Episode Two: The Tragedy of Clone Wars: Much ado about the Dark Side


Act II: Tatooine

Wado: It is you! Ani, the child I aught ne'er sold
For what was bought cheap, has cost in selling

Ani: Some men are born Jedi, some achieve jedihood, and some have the jedi throw upon them

Wado: I was a fool! A fool and knave! A Jawa! A low theaving jawa!

Ani: I was one sir, in this interlude, I did guide the podracer. But that's all one. And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

(exeunt) (scene)


Episode III: The Tragedy of the Third Sith, or What you Will


Anikin: Now, is the Winter of A Long Time Ago
Made in Galaxy far far away, by industrial Lights and Magic

And all the clouds of space-bots that lowr'd upon my fighter
In the deeply silly space-fight scene, buried
Now are our budgets bound by no accountants
Our every film in nerd-dom, a monument
Our stern overserious mythology simplified
our dreadful development and dialogue, overwrought

Grim Viasag'd war hath smoothed plot and motivation issues
And now, instead of discovering new ideas
to delight the fans with new frontiers
We caper about in silly robes,
to the lascivious pleasing of a light-saber battle

But I, who am not shaped for intelligent films
Nor made to court the smaller studios
I, that am challenged on stage, and want many
of the skills that screen actors often posess

I that am curtail'd of character development
Sent before my time to play a part I know not how...

(exeunt)


Yoda: Deform'd, unfinished, sent before it's time
into Cinemas, scarse half edited, this film was
And that, so lamely and ufashionably, that bark with laughter at the screen children will

If no delight nerds have to pass away the time,
Unless their Halo score to improve,
and upon their own unformed geekiness descant,
Then lovers they will never prove to be, fairwell spoken highschool girls to entertain they will not find
Virgins, determined are they to remain

Dive thoughts down into my soul, here Lucas comes.

(scene)

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Belle
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To all the bards: [Hail]

My request - could someone please end a scene with a version of my favorite stage direction of all time - "Exit, pursued by a bear"

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Enigmatic
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Hmm... Perhaps the Cantina scene?
Or you could end most of the scenes on Endor with "Stormtroopers exit, pursued by teddy bears."

--Enigmatic

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brojack17
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I want someone to do the young Ani "yipee" scene.
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Dan_raven
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Shakespeare does not take "requests"

If he did, why he would pick every teen-age boys favorite seen.

(ps Ori--Great, but this is supposed to be fiction, not fact)

The Vengeful Comedy The Return of the Jedi

Act I
Scene vii

Location: Jabba's pleasure barge.

Enter Jabba The Hutt--a rich merchant and crimminal, preceded by his servant Guidolpho and followed by Princess Leia in chains.

Jabba: (Goes to throne) Come my Guidolpho, terry to yon windows and witness for me thee wonderous entertainment for which I have so recently aquired.

Guido: Entertainment sire?

Jabba: Aye, entertainment, for what twould be more entertaining the watching the slow and painful destruction of three fools? Tell me of thy deaths while I partake of mine bountiful repast served to me by my newest slave. And after this jovillity has been so consummated, then I shall consummate mine newest slave. The tears she sheds o'er the death of her two lovers shall be but a sweet topping to that delightful desert.

Leia: Nay Sir.

Jabba: (pull chain forcing Leia closer) You dare say Nay to me?

Leia: Only that I say those who await thy sentence are not thy lovers. For I am but a maiden pure and have no lover taken. Tho, perhaps I wish twer one of them to call me such.

Jabba: Ha! What be sweeter than a teery maiden to quench ones vigorous appetites. Nay to thee fair Princes. Maiden I may find you this day, but this night when I find you, thou shalt not be. (He throws extra chain back to her. She weighs the chain) And find you I shall.

Guido: Hark, the one who claims to be Jedi calls for you.

Jabba: What sayes he?

Guido: He threatens thee my Lord. He gives thee fair warning and beseeches the to release your captives or perish.

Jabba: Ha! Fool! Throw him to the beast first. Let that beast consume such arrogance. See what threats he can beseech from within the foul entrails of yon leviathan.

Guido: (to Offstage) The Jedi dies first!
(Shouts of encouragement from offstage. Shouts of dismay from offstage.)

Jabba: (sitting) What? What is the reason for such commotion? (Leia holds the chain and begins moving behind Jabba)

Guido: The Jedi! Sir, Yon Jedi has a blade. Lo is he skilled with yon blade?

Jabba: (Stands as Leia tries to strangle him with the chain) What! Where dids't such blade come from?

Guido: The servants sir. Hid amongst their person a blade they did conceal. We thought them harmless, but they dids't throw a blade to the Jedi, and he dost use it well.

Jabba: Well kill him then.

Guido: They try sir. They try, but he who's blade dos shine tries them much. Guards fall like so much rotten apples from our tree. Tis a gruesome red harvest the Jedi does reap my lord.

Jabba: Have we no guns? Fire. Fire I say.

Guido: But our own guards lie in the way?

Jabba: Do they pay your wages or doth I? Fire I say.

Guido: (To offstage) Fire you fools. Shoot them all. Alas sire, the others have taken the guns from thy fallen guards. Tis they who shoot at us, not us at them.

Jabba: The cannons then. Destroy them all with the cannons!

Guido: (To offstage) The cannons fools! Destroy them all with the cannons.
(sound of cannon fire)

Jabba: Well little man, how goes the battle? Have we destroyed them all?

Guido: I am afeared to look, but look I shall.

Jabba: (Leia finally is able to start choking Jabba with her chain) Gasp!

Guido: Tis fearful my lord. Tis fearfully wrong. Alas thine enemies have boarded our ship. Our cannons and our guns can not seem to find our enemies while their blades do damage to us, and our misses to even more.

Jabba: Gasp, gasp

Guido: Why, my lord? Why, when we have but to reach our hands up and can cross all the nether empty blackness that separates stars, when we can create artificial beings of such grace and intelligence, when we have the power to float cities on the wind, why my lord, have we yet to discover ways in which our weapons were to fire in the direction to which we point them? Are these not beams, rays that go but straight as Apollo's arrow to their mark? Yet why do we fail to set that mark, or once set, to hit it? How can our ship and crew with gun and cannon not find its mark on one boy with his sword?

Jabba: Gasp. I die dearest Guido.

Guido: Optics! My uncle said unto thee, Guido thy future lies in Optics. But none heeded such sage advice so now we....didst thou speak my lord? (Guido turns and sees Jabba dead and Leia busy untangling herself.) Gasp!

(Guido unholsters gun and fires directly at Leia. The shot misses Leia, slicing the chain that binds her instead.) See what I mean. Do you see what I mean.

Leia: I see little Guido. Do not worry sir, for I shall remedy thee of seeing not by thy casket.

Guido: I leave...

[Exuent Guido. Shot heard off stage. Voice offstage] Pray tell sir, why doth thy weapon fire so straight. I die.

[Enter Han]
Han: I have come to rescue thee, thy fair Princess.

Princess: Thy valor, good sir, is both too long and too short. Long it is, for that I have no need of thy rescue from this fiend. Short it is, for I feel this ship doth sink, and with it, all that they valor would redeem.

Han: Do not judge thee rescue's lengths until thee hath beheld its entirety. Our chariot awaits but your presence, then shall we flee this sinking mire of dung eating chicken refuse. Then shall we discover if my valor be too long or too short.

Leia: (Takes Han's hand. They embrace) I think thy Valor be just sized fine.

Exuent Han, persued by nearly bare Leia

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Enigmatic
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quote:
Jabba: Do they pay your wages or doth I? Fire I say.
[ROFL]

My only complaint with that one is it has no Salacious Crum.

--Enigmatic

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C3PO the Dragon Slayer
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"OH-WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" is a perfect iambic pentameter!
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Belle
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Someone do a Tatooine scene with "Exit, pursued by a bantha"
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Dan_raven
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I tried to do a Shakespearian take on Jar-Jar Binks accent....


....


and my head exploded.

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ketchupqueen
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Mmmm, brains. *gets out the tortilla chips*
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JonHecht
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The ad at the bottom:

Cliffsnotes Shakespeare: The Manga Edition.

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