posted
In the lab, one of my experiments recently worked. I went and was sharing my news with my friend. She looked so sad when I shared, because my successes mader her failures stand out more. When things are going well for her and bad for me, I smile and congratulate her, but at some level, it is like, dang it, she can succeed, why can't I? I want to be happy like that right now. We are both happiest in our friendship when both of us are having the same amount of success, which usually is us whining about our failures. And this is just a coworker/friend. To make it worse, your failures and his successes correspond. So, while you are upset over your failures, he is excited about his successes, which is reinforcing that you failed. And then you start feeling bad about feeling bad.
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posted
Yeah... basically. But I don't know how to fix that. I can't go on feeling like this every time it happens. And it's going to happen a lot.
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posted
I think that you need to focus on what is actually upsetting you. It isn't Andrew's success, it is not getting X part. If Andrew knows that you are upset over somethign outside of his control, he might be better able to respond. Right now, he is probably thinking, dang, anytime I succeed, she gets mad at me. I'm not doing anything wrong by succeeding. By keeping the conversation and request for help and comfort about the rejection you received and not his success, that might help. He wants to be happy and celebrate, and that is natural. You might suggest celebrating in a more private venue (dinner with just the two of you) because you don't want to face people's comments about you not getting X.
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quote:Originally posted by Raia: Yes, I think so, BlackBlade. I can't say for sure, but that sounds like we're getting closer.
Always been a fan of steps forward.
So what would you say you want more then, for you yourself to succeed more, or for him to succeed just alittle bit less?
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I'm just not sure I've got what it takes to be both a performer and in a relationship with a performer. But I don't want to give either one of those up.
quote:Originally posted by Raia: They might. I really don't know.
Alright, I know you may not be sure what you want, but if you could change just a tiny bit of the situation what would you change? Slightly more success at singing? More patience on Andrew's part? Fewer feelings of inadequacy?
I know there are several facets to this problem, but try to think if there is something in this that sticks out more than others.
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posted
Probably fewer feelings of inadequacy, but I think all of this goes together... I wouldn't feel inadequate so much if I had more success, or if Andrew had more patience, or if he didn't come out ahead of me so often...
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posted
You mentioned earlier that you feel like your mutual friends that you have with Andrew seem to cut you off or care more for him than for you.
If you can't go to Andrew for any reason do you have any individual or group of people you can go to for solace?
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posted
Kind of, but it's never the same... and most of my friends ARE performers. That's just how it is, those are the people I become close to. So nobody can ever fully sympathize because we're always competing.
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posted
I'm not sure I follow. Do you mean that all your close friends are also performers and since they compete, as do you, that they can't offer you sympathy as they have their own pride to worry about?
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posted
Well, they can't comfort or sympthaize unconditionally... we're all out for the same things, and while we can support each other to a point, I guess it can't really go beyond that. I realize I'm not making much sense, but I really appreciate all the help you're giving me.
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posted
No you are making sense, I just need to sometimes hear you rephrase something so that we are on the same page. It would be pretty pointless if I kept responding to what I thought you said, rather than what you are actually saying.
You may have mentioned this, but I couldn't see it, how long have you been with Andrew?
When you get in arguments with him about this subject how do they usually start? What sorts are being said when you start arguing?
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Andrew and I have been together for a little over 13 months.
Our arguments are weird... this time it started when I kept apologizing and he wouldn't talk to me, and finally he asked me to stop talking about it, and then we both just... got mad. Sometimes one of us is just huffy and then the other one gets that way by default. Sometimes we spend more time arguing about how frustrating the other person is to argue with than we do the actual event.
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posted
I think one point people made on the earlier page that you should work on internalizing is that Andrew is NEVER in competetion with you. If he gets a part, that is no way affects whether you get the one you were trying for.
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posted
One question I'd ask: Do you care more about music or performing?
Right now your successes are being judged on which parts you get--which is contrary to musicianship if you ask me. I'll say it again: put the music first and you'll be much happier as a music major. Hearing about how all of your friends are "performers" instead of "musicians" makes it sound like everyone's putting themselves before the music.
You're looking at a snippet of the big picture of your life as a singer. You haven't been getting a few auditions in the past semester--so what? You might go another 2 years before getting the right breakthrough audition. You just have to keep working and practicing--and most of all--you can't judge your successes based on auditions. You don't have to conform to the dog-eat-dog idea that you're all competing for the top spot. People like that are about "me, me, me" instead of living for the music. The people I've known who are ACTUALLY on the top care about the music first.
I can't harp on that enough--even though it's just my philosophy.
As for your relationship, apologizing for things that aren't your fault will make him resent you very fast.
Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I realize that I asked for advice, and then stayed out of this thread from about 2:30 onwards... but I was trying to beat my downness today before I had to perform in the opera tonight. I did, and it was a success, so I feel a little better, but this is still one of the worst days I can remember having. Thank you so much to those who have been helping me out... you don't know how much I appreciate it.
There is a lot of really good advice in this thread, and I will try and take it to heart as much as I can... and of course, I will keep going to counseling. I love you guys. Thank you.
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