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My eleven year old step-daughter moved out last night. My wife and I have struggled with her for years. She doesn't do well with authority and we are pretty strict people. My step-daughter has been a compulsive liar for the past year. She will lie about anything and everything. Then, a couple of weeks ago, she stole money from our jar that we save up for for vacation. She was grounded for that already and then I found out she forged my signature on a school document. She knew this was going to get her in big trouble also, so she asked to live with her dad.
Now the story about her dad. He is currently going through his third divorce and rather than put up with my step-daughter, he buys her stuff and lets her do whatever she wants. He has never been involved in anything with her. She is in the fifth grade and he just this year came to a school function. He has been to one softball game and one school concert in six years of school. He told my wife that he knows he is probably "ruining" her but he finds it easier to just buy her stuff. Since she left, he has already bought her a cell phone.
My wife has been crying to the point where she has thrown up and we both feel abandoned. Our four and five year old don't get it yet that she is not coming back except for visitation.
If you are a person that prays, please pray for us. If you do not pray, please keep us in your thoughts.
posted
I'm done with mine, and am working with other peoples kids now. (scouts) The saddest part is that often the ones that really need our help are the ones that are least likely to accept it. Other than staying avalable, continuing to try, and sometimes crying, there isn't a lot that can be done. Just stay avalable.
Posts: 1167 | Registered: Oct 2005
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To add insult to injury, my wife called her mother and her mother all but said this is all my wife's fault. See, my wife was a troubled teenager and gave her mother a tough time. All of my wife's adult life, her mother has given her a hard time about how she acted as a teenager. It doesn't help that she is a cold hearted person anyway.
The circumstances are quite a bit different though. My wife was abused as a kid and the family as a whole never supported her (still doesn't). My step-daughter has had a pretty cush life in comparison.
Without anyone for her to talk to about it (besides me) she is struggling even more. She said she wanted her mom to tell her it will be OK and m step-daughter would come to her senses soon. Instead she got the "you're a bad mom" treatment.
That's why I'm glad I have this community.
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and honestly, hugs for your stepdaughter too. Hard to know what she needs, but I pray that things work out for her as she grows up.
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Wow - Jack this must be so extremely hard on your wife. As a mother, I can see something like this just tearing me apart on the inside -- wanting to do what is right, but not finding anything that works.
On the other hand, the middle school years is when a girl needs her father the most (IMHO); how her dad handles this will be very important, and I will pray he will step up to the task and be a strong and loving, and involved, father while she is with him.
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But in the end, isn't it better that she's safe and happy, even if she is being spoiled by your measure? If your wife really believes that the daughter is worse off than herself when she grew up, that is one thing. But at least your daughter has a parent she wants to be with, instead of being in an abusive home. She may suffer motivational neglect, but aren't there worse things?
It is natural that you will see what is wrong with the situation rather than what is right, but if you are going to have her in your life long term, keep hold of the love and let go of the competition.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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That's a good point but it doesn't really help with the pain. Plus, he has never been an active parent before. He works and fishes. Hopefully he will grow up along with her.
When his current wife left him, he mentioned my step-daughter babysitting her five year half sister while he is at work on her visitation weekends with him. She is only eleven and pretty immature. I don't think that is very safe.
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My eleven year old holds down the fort from time to time, like if there's a snow day. It depends a lot on how the two children get along. Unless the legal standards are different in your area...
I forgot to mention that my niece was a similar challenge for her mother, and she went to live with her father, and in that case she had to fly to another state. I'm a little blurry on when it happened or how long it lasted, but she went back to Mom for high school and got into college.
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My mom's parent's were divorced. Her younger sister loved playing the "if I was at dad's" card. Eventually, my grandmother said, ok. After 2 weeks at her father's, she came home and never complained again. My cousin has responded the same way to her daughter and after several weeks at her dad's realized she shouldn't complain so much. I think it is very natural for kids to fantasize about what life would be if they lived with the other parent. Since their interaction with the other parent is usually pretty laid back (Disney dad) the kid doesn't realize that the weekends aren't reality. Hopefully, this will help her in the long term. I am so sorry your wife had to deal with those comments from her mom. I have a wayward brother and my mom often wonders what she did wrong. The other three of us kids try to reassure her, but it is still hard for her. I hope your wife can ignore the comments and not feel guilt on top of everything else.
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I'm so sorry your family is going through this. My heart hurts for the little girl - she must be hurting a great deal.
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She has always hurt by her fathers inattention. What makes it worse, is I am the opposite. I coach softball and robotics league, I go to school functions, I am always helping with homework, and all he does is see her for a couple of hours every other weekend. He owns a restaurant and his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday. She only would get interaction with him for a little while. They never take her on vacation and only sit around the house when she is there. But, she gets whatever she wants and has no rules.
I had a Sunday school teacher once say that hurt people hurt people. This situation really hurts, but I have to try to think about what she feels.
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I'm so sorry Jack, I don't have any experience in this field, but I hope you can salvage something good in all this mess.
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I'm a 31-year-old woman and not an eleven-year-old girl, but I can say that I would a thousand times rather have my father's inelegant, clumsy attention for ten minutes than my stepmother's unwavering attention for days on end.
That isn't theoretical. I have discovered that the more I let my stepmother pay attention to me, the less my dad does. It's not a perfect solution, but it is worth it to me to completely reject a relationship with my stepmother because it is under those circumstances that I get the most attention from my dad.
I imagine it is very similar for the little girl. She is dying inside, I'm sure of it. She's so young - she's clearly flailing and she wants attention from her father more than anything.
Take it as a compliment - she surely needs her mother as well, and this means she's confident and secure enough in her mother's affection that she feels she can risk it while she pursues her father's.
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Jack, I'm sorry that you, your wife, and your step daughter all three are in this situation. I'm glad that you've got us to turn to; I know that when I was going through my divorce, the forums were an enormous help to me. Has your wife ever shown any interest in joining us here? Even if she didn't end up participating beyond this thread I could see it being a good thing for her.
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My thought would be to not assume the worst. I think it is true that sometimes changes that seem terrible end up being not so bad, or even helpful, in the long run.
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she hasn't thought of joining the group. i have tried, but she doesn't get reading people's thoughts on stuff.
Today was better. My wife has received calls from friends and family and is dealing with the circumstances better.
I sent a fairly harsh e-mail to my mother-in-law yesterday and my wife's sister really jumped on her too. She tried calling last night, but my wife wasn't ready to talk to her yet.
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I'm sending transatlantic prayers. I think Katharina's comment was really helpful, and I really hope things work out for all of you.
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posted
So, my step-daughter has said she wants to move back home. She told her father that she wanted to leave because I am so hard on her. I scream at her and have grounded her for at least seven months. She said my wife is afraid of me and will not stick up for her because she is afraid of what I will do to her if she does. She also said I have been to counseling for my anger and that my wife is taking me out of town to help me calm down enough for her to come back.
Her father called furious with me and wanted to know what was going on. My wife explained that my step-daughter is a pathological liar and is telling him what he wanted to hear. While I have raised my voice more than I would like to have in the past, I do not scream at her. Also, while not opposed to counseling, I have not been for anger issues. Finally, my step-daughter was grounded for one month but that was after she stole money from us and that punishment was given out by my wife. After this explanation, her father said that when she comes home (next Wednesday), we all need to sit down together and call her out on this. She needs to know that everyone knows what she is doing and it is unacceptable.
My concern is this. If she is willing to tell lies about me that could get me in legal trouble (implying that there is physical abuse), what else is she willing to lie about?
I'm more confused than ever. I want her to come back, but why did she say those things about me?
At least her father is willing to step up.
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BTW, I am going out of town for work as I do two weeks out of the month. My wife is going with me because she needed to get out of the house.
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(To clarify, I don't know that it would help her, one bit.
But it would protect you-- getting her counselling with someone to whom the situation has been explained-- that she lies about you when she's not with you, she lies to you about others when she is, etc.-- will get it on the record that she has a pattern of lying, so to speak. Heaven forbid she tells a lie to someone who decides to call CPS someday, you have ammunition to prove that there is reason to believe she is lying.)
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posted
That's exactly what one of our family members has said. That's what has me so worried. She has not had counseling in a few years, but she will when she comes back.
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So my step-daughter just came back and we had the talk with her dad. We really tried to make sure she knew we weren't ganging up on her. She'll go to counseling soon and hopefully things will get better.
Thanks everyone for your support and advise.
katharina,
Your viewpoint on step-parents and blood parents was very helpful in understanding my spot in her mind. Thank you.
Posts: 1766 | Registered: Feb 2006
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brojack, When kids act out like your daughter has been its usually because they are hurting is one way or another. I think that's important to realize because if your only response to the problem is to punish, it can actually make the problem worse.
I've been thinking about my step niece who has some serious abandonment issues and mulling over Katharina's comments. The more I think about it the more likely it seems that your daughter's recent behavior is closely tied to the issues she has with her own father. Consider that the cause and effect are reverse. Perhaps she didn't ask to live with her Dad to avoid getting in trouble but that she intentionally got in trouble so she would have a reason to go live with her Dad. Perhaps she is lying to her Dad about you because she thinks her Dad is using your presence as an excuse not to be more involved in her life.
Without going into detail, let me add that my niece who is in her early twenties has some really serious troubles because her biological father neglected her. If this is really what's going on with your daughter, I think its really important she learn to deal with it now or things will only get worse.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
The best thing you three can do as parents is stay in constant communication which it seems you have started. Kids in general will play one parent against another and your Sdaughter will do more than most because of her compulsive lying. If the adults in her life realize this and remember to talk to each other before believing her it will go a long way to maintaining stability. Counseling is definately needed. Prayers for continued healing.
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