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Author Topic: Mothers and the neverending *Stuff*
Orincoro
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I've written before about coming home to find my room decorated and/or piled high with crap I don't own or want, or have any use for, that my mother wants me to deal with, so that she doesn't have to.

It seems like a silly thing to have to complain about, but I enter the room I sleep in at home, which my parents insist on calling my room, with a heavy sense of trepidation. This time, when I am trying to actually move most of my possessions back into the house after my graduation, before my summer work at camp, and my move to Europe upcoming in October, I find various figurines not of my taste (none would be), 4 childhood pictures of myself, two huge puter pitchers framing my dresser, and the closet full of my Dad's shirts, which seem to slowly accumulate as he gets skinnier, and my mom continually forgets that I dwarf him in size. Add to that, a vcr that isn't mine, my Dad's record collection, (no idea why that's here) and a chair my parents bought for me when I was 5, fitted for a 5 year old. The room has about 4 square meters of walking space, and there's a chair for me to step over.

If you want some insight into my Mom's particular brand of logic, I might ask her about or even show her the pile of 200 LP records, and she might say, "oh, I thought those were yours!" I mean, LPs of big brother and the holding company, Country Joe and the Fish, Peter Paul and Mary, Paul Simon, and every group my Dad ever listened to, and a stack of records he has owned since before they were married, and she thinks they're mine. I have never owned a record player. I mean, that's weird right?

And it's not as if I think my mother is ill-intentioned. But pictures of me as a child make me nervous. They cause discomfort, they really do, and I've expressed this SO MANY times to my mother that it become a source of hurt when I mention it, and she really has no idea of what I'm talking about. She still sends me childhood photos of me on my birthdays, and I have difficulty opening her cards. I think I'm photophobic, or whatever the term is for fearful of photographs. I hate taking them, being in them, looking at them, and if I am in them, my stomach twists into a knot about it. Given all that, and how Ive expressed it to her, it hurts to come home and find a handful of those photos in my room.

So, as I've said before, it's a never ending battle with my parents that involves me coming home to find things that aren't mine in my "space" and being told that it's my job to find out where, if anywhere, they are supposed to be. It's not like their in storage there, my parents claim that I must know better what to do with their old VCR, so rather than chucking the thing, which might be accompanied with guilt for having bought it and not put it to use, that becomes my job. It's unnerving.

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Uprooted
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Sounds like you're getting ready to be completely on your own and won't have to deal with it all much longer. My advice: grin and bear it for now, and look to the day when that room will just be storage space for them and not "your room" any longer.
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Orincoro
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that'll be nice.

Edit: in the depth of the closet I've extricated my Dad's old surround sound receiver from 1970, a film projector (what?) some reels, and TWO indoor heaters, which I have no idea about. arg.

[ June 15, 2008, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: Orincoro ]

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Tante Shvester
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That's your stuff? Cool!

Ebay!

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Samprimary
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sounds like it is time for a talk. Like straight up planned a day in advance sit-on-the-couch "i need to talk to you both today about this stuff issue."
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Tstorm
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Heh. Hardly anything from 'my room' at home is mine anymore. There's some books, some high school memorabilia which I haven't bothered to pick up, and perhaps one or two boxes of miscellaneous stuff. One of these days I'll get around to sorting out the boxes of stuff. Yeah, next time I go home, I'll do it then... [Smile]

Hey, it's not my house. Mom can put whatever she wants in there. The only use I have for that room is when I visit, and the only thing I do in that room, while visiting, is sleep.

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Launchywiggin
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Moving to Europe, eh? What's the plan there?
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Orincoro
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In this case, I have to spend all of today fitting my stuff in, when there isn't enough room, otherwise, I'd leave it all be.
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ketchupqueen
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quote:
Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
That's your stuff? Cool!

Ebay!

That's what I'd do...
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Orincoro
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I don't have the time or the energy to do that. My parents also declined to offer any help with carrying the contents of my college bedroom up four flights of stairs, so I've been carry crap up and down all day.
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Elizabeth
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Good for them. It is OK to have your room become a storage or guest room. It means they think you have grown up and are able to face the world on your own. You should be, if you are leaving college.
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Orincoro
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Yeah, it's good of them not to help.
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scholarette
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My sister's room became a guest room once she moved out, which made for some awkwardness when she moved home. By that time, I had left for college and my room was a guest room, which my sister took over. When I came to visit from college, I had to share my room with my sister (which she viewed as her room). My brother's room became a library.
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Sharpie
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quote:
Originally posted by scholarette:
My sister's room became a guest room once she moved out, which made for some awkwardness when she moved home. By that time, I had left for college and my room was a guest room, which my sister took over. When I came to visit from college, I had to share my room with my sister (which she viewed as her room). My brother's room became a library.

This is the natural order of things :-). I have three college boys home from college for the summer, and they are basically put where we tell them they are put. That's the way it WORKS. The room does not remain a shrine.
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Tstorm
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quote:
Yeah, it's good of them not to help.
Yeah, that sucks. On the other hand, it's a great motivation to not become attached to unnecessary possessions at this stage of your life. [Smile]

The worst part is, it gets worse as you get older. You'll have a sudden need to have bookshelves, tables, chairs, appliances, and other assorted heavy objects. Since I last moved, I've acquired two bookshelves, a washer, a dryer, a workbench, and (another!) recliner (courtesy of my mother; how's that for thread topicality! [Smile] )

I know I'll be moving sometime in the next couple of years, and I'm not looking forward to moving this stuff. I feel your pain...and it's mostly in my lower back and arms...

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scholarette
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I pretty much expected that when I got home. What is crazy though is my husband's family. My mil wanted to move to a smaller cheaper house since 2 of her sons were married and the other in grad school. But she kept saying she needed a 4 bedroom, one room for each son, which made finding a cheaper house almost impossible. My husband and I repeatedly told her all her kids had moved out and she needed a house she was comfortable mantaining and paying for. In the end, she bought a 3 bedroom house and set up a room for her other two sons (who remained quiet during her home search) which she refers to as their rooms and keeps a large amount of their stuff there. When we visit, we get the living room, whether my husband's brothers are there or not. So, different families have different expectations.
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Kwea
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No offense, but if you are over 18 they don't owe you a room, or even help carrying your possessions into the room that used to be yours when they owed you one. [Wink]
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Launchywiggin
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I think Orincoro knows that they don't OWE him anything. He's talking about common decency. Nobody likes picking up other people's crap.
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Shan
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When I came home from college my sophomore year (for a brief visit), it was to see my folks' new house. They couldn't wait to show me a tiny closet, reachable only by a ladder, which could be my new sleep cubbyhole. They were perplexed when I didn't find that funny.

Go figure.

*grin*

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Tammy
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I'm finding this thread both hilarious and bittersweet.

I sincerely dread this issue coming up in my home.

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scifibum
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When you're in transition from being dependent to being completely on your own, your relationship with your parents and their stuff becomes awkward. And vice versa.

A room that was "yours" when you were growing up? They are probably looking forward to reclaiming it - they can use the space. If you've been living away at school, it's pretty understandable that they have begun doing so. But there's an agreement, presumably, that you can still live there for now. So should they do the work to re-carve out "your" space? Or should you figure it out? I can see why the parents might think the latter - they are presumably giving you a substantial discount on the rent.

I completely understand and sympathize with bafflement over the kinds of stuff parents keep and the way they tend to organize it. If your parents are the types who will leave it upon you to figure out what to do with the stuff - refusing to answer questions about what you should do - and then override, criticize or complain about your decisions then you have my permission to be mad about it (not that you need it [Smile] I've just been there too).

It is probably appropriate for your parents to take less responsibility for your comfort and upkeep, given the circumstances. Which isn't to say it doesn't suck, or that they are doing as much as they should...it's just not clear that there's anything wrong about the situation.

I lived with my parents rent free for a few months last year - along with my wife and three kids. All 5 of us in a single (thankfully large-ish) bedroom. We were in between houses. It sucked in a lot of ways, and they did NOT go out of their way to clear space for us or our stuff or make us comfortable - except that they did go out of their way, hugely, to let us impinge on their peace, quiet, space, and utility bills.

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CaySedai
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I think there's a certain amount of "giving" here, too. My mom, who lives in her own apartment, is always giving us stuff, and much of that is not stuff I want. I've got a house full of my own crap - and this is after moving out of a mobile home! But Mom seems to be getting rid of stuff and finds it easiest to hand it over to me or my kids.

I haven't found a solution for this yet, except in one case where someone asked for a chair to learn caning on. Mom bought this chair 30 years ago and has toted it from this town to Chicago and back, from one apartment to another, even after the seat was gone. It's a well-built and comfortable chair, when it has a seat, but it hasn't had a seat for 15 years or more. There's got to be a limit to sentimental value.

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scifibum
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quote:
Originally posted by CaySedai:
...someone asked for a chair to learn caning on.

I would think sitting on a chair would make it harder to swing the cane.
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Shan
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*laughing*

That was my first thought, too.

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The Rabbit
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quote:
Originally posted by Kwea:
No offense, but if you are over 18 they don't owe you a room, or even help carrying your possessions into the room that used to be yours when they owed you one. [Wink]

It isn't about what they owe him, its about common courtesy. I store a lot of stuff in my spare room, but when I have guests coming to stay I try to clear it out to make space for them. I had a guest who ended up staying for several months and we moved as much of our stuff out of the room as we could so she would have space and be comfortable.

When guests come to visit for a couple of days, my husband and I help them carry their things inside. Its not about what we owe them, its about courtesy.

I can't imagine that Orincoro's mother would have left a pile of stuff on the bed if she'd invited guests to stay in the room. Its sometimes funny how we treat family worse than we would anyone else in the same situation.

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scholarette
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quote:
Originally posted by The Rabbit:

I can't imagine that Orincoro's mother would have left a pile of stuff on the bed if she'd invited guests to stay in the room. Its sometimes funny how we treat family worse than we would anyone else in the same situation.

My parents would not clean the bed off for guests because they would never invite guests to stay in their home for several weeks/months.
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scifibum
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I'm somewhat baffled at the concept of a huge freakin' favor having to be sugar coated with "courtesy." But that's just me. And it's true, in my experience: families do treat each other worse in a lot of ways than they treat anyone else.
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Femellanovis
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Hey everyone, I've never posted here before but I really relate to the topic so I thought I'd drop my two cents in.

The really weird thing for me is my mom will bring stuff to my house and leave it, half the time it all belongs to one of my siblings. I think she's just at an age were she wants to streamline things but would feel like a jerk if she just threw things out.

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Evie3217
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quote:
I'm somewhat baffled at the concept of a huge freakin' favor having to be sugar coated with "courtesy."
I don't think it's a huge freakin' favor to not expect your son to get rid of junk instead of doing it yourself. My mom expects me to take care of my own stuff, but she doesn't shove random stuff into my room expecting me to deal with it.

As for helping me move my stuff, my mom definitely helps me move my stuff into my room. I don't understand why someone wouldn't. When we have guests, or even extended family come to our house, we help them bring their stuff in. It's just common decency.

We've also had guests (usually my brother's friends that he's met in his travels) stay with us for months at a time. We don't set a timetable for them to leave, and we move out all the random stuff we have in the guest room so that they can stay there comfortably. Heck, we even bought a standing closet so that they could have somewhere to hang their stuff!

I do understand my mom converting my room when I graduate to either a guest room or something else. She's already done it with my brother's room. I honestly don't mind. What I do mind is that my mom wants to move completely. She's told me, "I'm waiting to have your graduation party, and then I'm moving." I completely understand why she's doing it. I'm the last one to leave the house, and it's a big house for just my mom and my dog. But it still makes me sad. I've lived there for 13 years, so there's definitely some sentimental value. But that's just my little rant.

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scifibum
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The huge favor is letting an adult live there for free or nearly free. Whether it's progeny or a friend or a vagrant, it's a big favor. (Many, many parents expect and require their offspring to be on their own as soon as possible). So? Gripes about the hospitality being lacking don't get much sympathy from me.

In cases where greater courtesy actually IS granted to someone else, for no apparent reason, I guess I understand feeling a little slighted. I think families in general can/should try a bit harder to treat each other nicely.

I just don't know why anyone would expect a parent to go to any particular effort in this kind of situation. Maybe it is discourteous not to, I'm not really sure. Certainly it's not what I would expect from someone.

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Noemon
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quote:
Originally posted by Femellanovis:
Hey everyone, I've never posted here before but I really relate to the topic so I thought I'd drop my two cents in.



Welcome to Hatrack!

quote:
The really weird thing for me is my mom will bring stuff to my house and leave it, half the time it all belongs to one of my siblings.
When she does this, do you generally play along, or do you point out to her that it isn't yours? If you do the latter, does she still leave it at your place?
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Femellanovis
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Usually when I tell her it's not mine she's always pretty confident I'm wrong. I almost always end up with the junk though. I forgive her, since she gave me life and all [Wink] .

Plus she does it to my sister once and a while too, so that makes me feel a little better.

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AvidReader
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quote:
The huge favor is letting an adult live there for free or nearly free. Whether it's progeny or a friend or a vagrant, it's a big favor. (Many, many parents expect and require their offspring to be on their own as soon as possible).
I'm not sure I get why people like this bothered to have kids if their goal is to get them out of the house as soon as possible. Shouldn't a parent enjoy their kids?

Maybe it's just that my family's frugal, but I consider it perfectly reasonable to ask your parents to hang on to your stuff while you're working for the summer instead of paying for a pricey storage space. But then, our rule was that we could live at home as long as we were in school or had a job. I didn't move out until I was 22.

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