posted
The thread discussing communion wafers reminded me that this might be a good place to ask for advice about hopefully a far less divisive issue:
I'll be attending a Catholic funeral tomorrow for a relative of my boyfriend. I'm Jewish and have only ever been to Jewish funerals. Can anyone offer general advice on what to expect? Order of events, things I should or shouldn't wear, things I should or shouldn't bring, etc.? What does one do or say at a viewing? I'd rather not pester my boyfriend or his family too much with questions, since they have enough to deal with emotionally at the moment.
Posts: 650 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Sombre, modest clothing is generally the norm. I imagine not too different from what you'd expect at a Jewish funeral. The viewing/wake is different everywhere, so I can't help you much there. All of the ones I've been to, though, were not particularly religious affairs. It's more of a time for family to come together and reminisce and grieve together. Often there's stories told, and it's possible someone will offer a prayer. In that case, I'd say just stand (or sit, whatever) quietly, as much as you are comfortable with.
Catholic funerals are generally full masses, so if you aren't comfortable attending a different religion's service, you can just sit with your boyfriend. There's a fair amount of sitting and standing and some kneeling, but I doubt anyone would be offended if you don't kneel. At least, I really hope not. When the people go up for communion, don't feel like you have to do so as well.
Since it's summer, the funeral mass might be followed by the actual burial, so you'll have to go with the family to the cemetery, where the priest will say a few more prayers.
I'm sorry I can't be more specific - there's a lot of variables that affect the ceremonies. I hope that helps some, though.
Posts: 2849 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Two rules will get you through the services:
1) Stand when everyone else stands, sit when everyone else sits, kneel when everyone else kneels. If you are uncomfortable kneeling - whether for physical, religious, or other reason - simply sit when others kneel. This is not offensive, and is in fact a sign of respect to both your beliefs and the Church's.
2) Don't go up for Communion (when the congregation leaves its seats and stands in line to receive something from the priest or others).
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Generally people wear dark clothes. Most men wear suits. I don't know what most women wear. There's no real dress code, though.
Most of the Catholics there will not be very sure about what exactly to do - there are enough mechanical differences between funerals that even those who know the liturgy will be unsure about specifically where to go, etc. The planners are generally very aware of this and will provide needed guidance.
Unless your boyfriend is performing at the service in some way (giving a eulogy, pallbearer, etc.), then just stick with him. If he needs to do something for the service, ask him where he would like you to go in the meantime.
Edit: or, what Eaquae Legit said.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Are you and you boyfriend established enough that you are family/host or would you be attending as a guest?
The funeral is likely to be a mass. Sometimes there will be a memorial that won't be a mass, but usually it is a mass. There is a lot of sitting standing and kneeling. It is appropriate to sit while others kneel. There are also quite a variety of hand motions and verbal responses. Don't worry about trying to do or say these. Especially at weddings and funerals, people are accustomed to non-Catholic in attendance. Usually there will be a program that will have the songs and prayers in it. It is prefectly fine to pray or sing only what is comfortable for you or to say a silent prayer of your own while others are praying out loud.
If it is a Mass, when people go up to the front for communion, the easiest thing is just to let people out of the pew and return to your seat.
I have noticed very little difference in dress between Catholic funerals and Jewish funerals. Depending on how traditional the famly is, dress conservatively and not in you brightest colours.
For the wake (usually the day/evening before the Mass) people are often coming from work so office appropriate clothes are fine.
As a young, single person, you don't need to bring anything. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is sort of the standard sympathy phrase, but if you are close to the family, you will want to be more personal.
Usually there is a large room with the coffin at one end. Unless your boyfriend wants you to accompany him, I don't think there is a need for you to view the body. Usually it is people milling about talking to each other and looking at pictures. If you are a guest rather than hosting and your boyfriend doesn't need you have you there the whole time, there is no reason that you need to stay for the whole visitation or wake. People drop by sort of like an open house. There may be some more organized eulogies or prayers. Sort of like toasts at a wedding. You shouldn't leave in the middle of those. Sometimes, there is a bit of a party afterwards.
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Much of his family is Methodist, so at least I won't be alone in being unfamiliar with the Mass.
The last time I attended a funeral, I was 14, and my mother still picked my clothes; thus the slight confusion about what I'm supposed to wear as an adult. I have black dresses, but they're all above-the-knee and sleeveless. If I wear the longest/plainest one with stockings and a shawl, is that appropriate, or do I need to go shopping? My wardrobe unfortunately tends towards the bright colors and florals.
quote:Are you and you boyfriend established enough that you are family/host or would you be attending as a guest?
Umm, I'm not sure? What's the difference? His parents assumed I would be attending the funeral with him (and told me not to worry about not being up on Christian rituals, which advice I am clearly not following), for whatever that's worth. I've met his mother's extended family several times, but I've never met his father's family (except his father), and that's the side that will be in attendance.
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posted
That sounds pretty established. You are traveling to the funeral with the family rather than arriving on your own. "Boyfriend" is such a vague term!
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posted
I wouldn't wear anything above-the-knee to a formal funeral, even if it is black. Better to wear non-black pants or a non-black skirt or dress, so long as it is at least a moderately somber color (gray, even light gray, or plum, navy, or hunter green, etc.) and hits no higher than just at the knee.
I doubt you actually would have to go shopping if you don't want to. At least in my social circles, it isn't uncommon to borrow something for a funeral from family members or friends if you have nothing appropriate. Things may be different in your circles, though.
My sense -- just my sense, not a formal rule that I know of -- is that it would be better to wear the brightest colors yet have knees and shoulders covered well than to be attired in a manner that could be in any way interpreted to be making a nod toward sexuality. A shawl over sleeveless is of course better than no shawl, but it (in my mind) is not the same thing as sleeves. It also depends a good deal on the fabric. A stiff fabric that does not mold to the body would make a sleeveless-with-shawl look much more formal than a regular cotton, rayon, or anything drapey that does not stand on its own (away from the skin) item of sleeveless-with-shawl.
I actually think type of fabric is at least as important as color in terms of appropriateness for formal occasions. When I see people who seem to look out of place, it is usually (to my eye) because they are wearing lightweight, figure-molding fabric. Of course, all of this is completely secondary to attitude and how one carries oneself -- the most technically inappropriate attire at a funeral can be quite moderated by a quiet, thoughtful, retiring air. But we do try our best out of respect for attire as well, surely.
When desperate (on vacation, little money ) I have worn a brightish colored sleeveless dress (a royal blue shift dress -- like this but hitting right at the knee) over a long-sleeved ivory top. While it was not a perfect fit, it felt acceptable. It was what I had that would draw the least attention to myself.
But I'm sure your own innate sense of decency and decorum will guide you well. You probably could trust your gut more than you'd expect in this case.
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PS: I think it is great that you are attending and showing such support and respect.
posted
PPS: If you go with above-the-knee black, I think black hose would help keep it somber as possible. Not the sheer black that kind of outlines the legs (like this) but more opaque black (like this). Again, it is best to avoid nods to sexuality in these circumstances insofar as possible, I think.
Also of note, others familiar with Catholic masses may well disagree with me about black-above-the-knee dresses vs. non-black-at-the-knee, and they should feel free to weigh in. My experience in these matters is deep but not broad -- a huge Catholic family with a lot of funerals, but not much Catholic experience outside one region.
posted
I would not think that a cocktail length (justskimming the knee) sleeve-less dress (especially with a shawl) would be out of place unless it were "slinky". Again, if the family is more conservative, YMMV. My experience with Catholics is of the liberal variety.
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posted
Mine is of the "we will never use birth control because even the 'rhythm method' will lead you to burn in Hell" variety. We still had meatless Fridays as a matter of course. To do otherwise was unthinkable.
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Edited to add:
And kmboots knows I haven't practiced in years, so this also reflects the mindset of the Reagan era.
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quote:Originally posted by Eaquae Legit: Sombre, modest clothing is generally the norm. I imagine not too different from what you'd expect at a Jewish funeral. The viewing/wake is different everywhere, so I can't help you much there. All of the ones I've been to, though, were not particularly religious affairs. It's more of a time for family to come together and reminisce and grieve together. Often there's stories told, and it's possible someone will offer a prayer. In that case, I'd say just stand (or sit, whatever) quietly, as much as you are comfortable with.
Catholic funerals are generally full masses, so if you aren't comfortable attending a different religion's service, you can just sit with your boyfriend. There's a fair amount of sitting and standing and some kneeling, but I doubt anyone would be offended if you don't kneel. At least, I really hope not. When the people go up for communion, don't feel like you have to do so as well.
Since it's summer, the funeral mass might be followed by the actual burial, so you'll have to go with the family to the cemetery, where the priest will say a few more prayers.
I'm sorry I can't be more specific - there's a lot of variables that affect the ceremonies. I hope that helps some, though.
Um not to contradict here but Catholics do not have open communion so do not go up for communion! Just allow anyone in your row to pass you and enjoy the music while they have their communion!
Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2008
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quote:Originally posted by Lostinspace: Um not to contradict here but Catholics do not have open communion so do not go up for communion! Just allow anyone in your row to pass you and enjoy the music while they have their communion!
Right. Thought technically, if you go up and ask for Communion, they aren't supposed to turn you down.
But really, it's supposed to be for Catholics only.
People may approach with their arms folded over their chest, and they will receive a blessing, instead of Communion.
But the blessing is in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, so you probably won't want it, thought other Christians might.
Sitting quitely during all that is totally fine. It's the respectful thing to do, and people know that.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Feb 2007
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quote:Originally posted by Lostinspace: Um not to contradict here but Catholics do not have open communion so do not go up for communion! Just allow anyone in your row to pass you and enjoy the music while they have their communion!
Right. Thought technically, if you go up and ask for Communion, they aren't supposed to turn you down.
But really, it's supposed to be for Catholics only.
People may approach with their arms folded over their chest, and they will receive a blessing, instead of Communion.
But the blessing is in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, so you probably won't want it, thought other Christians might.
Sitting quitely during all that is totally fine. It's the respectful thing to do, and people know that.
Actually said blessing is inplace for Catholics not able to take communion at the time. For example Catholics who are in need of confession of sins and such! Truly (atleast when I was a practicing Catholic (over 15 years ago) nobody else was asked to approach the communion table.
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quote:Actually said blessing is inplace for Catholics not able to take communion at the time. For example Catholics who are in need of confession of sins and such! Truly (atleast when I was a practicing Catholic (over 15 years ago) nobody else was asked to approach the communion table.
My priest specifically invited non-Catholics for a blessing when I got married.
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Again like I said this is from 15 years ago..maybe even more..I think I was 16 when I stopped attending Catholic services...so more like 17 year ago and our congregation was very very conservative.
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I used to go to mass with my dad sometimes when I was 7 or 8... so about 17 years ago. I used to go up for a blessing. I wasn't Catholic. I think it probably was just your priest? I've always heard that the blessing is for all who want it, Catholic or not.
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![[Smile]](smile.gif)
) I have worn a brightish colored sleeveless dress (a royal blue shift dress -- like ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
And kmboots knows I haven't practiced in years, so this also reflects the mindset of the Reagan era.
