posted
I have to honest, it has been a rough few years. I graduated from Texas Tech in December of 2006 with a Masters Degree in Philosophy that I hoped to use to move on to Doctorate work and eventually research, and yet, I moved home because my father was getting sicker by the day. He would pass away in August of 2007, and the time during and after has been very trying. I loved my father more than I can possibly put into words here, he was such an amazing person, and though we are not rich, I thank whatever fate is at work for giving me the parents I have today.
Since that time, I have found it difficult to smile or enjoy myself, and I cannot seem to shake the conflation of the memories I have of my father with that terrible night when he passed (I was the one to close his eyes after he passed). Inherently, I know that the depression and fear that plagues me is something I need to take care of, whether that be through counseling or a psychiatrist, but I find taking care of myself to be very difficult. I will not nor will I ever worry about money, but I will worry about my mother, who still mourns the loss of the love of her life. My mother is by no means feeble nor is she in anyway incompetent, but I always worry about how she will react if she has to spend the night by herself or not have an ability to go where she wants. My mother does not drive because of a terrible accident in her teens, and because of this, I still live at home, both taking care of her and making sure that she is fine.
Of course, when combined with the high level of college loans I have taken and the idea that I am highly uncomfortable leaving the city I live in, I find that doctorate work is impossible for me. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret for a second coming home to be with my family, who are more important to me than anything in this world, nor am I complaining about a lack of opportunity or outlandish familial obligations, but if I am going to be honest, then I must be honest. In that sense, in the last two years, I have found myself doing what needed to be done, taking care of who needed to be taken care, and not really caring about anything else. Especially myself. I guess I have been so busy taking care of other people that it didn't matter how I felt, nothing else mattered other than making sure that those I loved were taken care of and helped, and when that is your mindset, it's easy to deal with depression and the like. It almost felt like I was a zombie, one who was good at hiding from other people because if they saw how I truly felt that would defeat the purpose of working to make them happy, and so I would smile when I had too or assure a friend that I was just fine when I had too, all the while living a boring, unambitious and lifeless life. All of the passion and zest for life left me on August 18th 2007.
And for nearly two years now, I have stumbled on always wary not to draw too much attention to myself for fear of being exposed. I have tried, at times, to regain that passion, to feel something beyond a sense of hopeless despair at my situation and surroundings, and yet, I just could not bring myself to care enough about anything in particular. I used to have a passion for life buoyed by a faith in my friends and humanity in general, I looked at the world through the eyes of an optimist who believed that we are a great species capable of extraordinary things, I found comfort in literature and art, and I dreamed of the day when hard work would lead to everything I have ever wanted, the fairy tale come true. The place where what is and what should be are the same. For a while now, I haven't really cared about that so much.
With all of this, you may wonder how I can smile. Well, I will tell you. I have had a best friend for 13 years, a girl whom I have always loved named Amanda, and though we have had our ups and downs, we have always found each other as friends, though I have always wanted more. Of course, I decided long ago that even if I could not be with her in that fashion, being her friend was much better than not being in her life at all. Both of us dated, swapped stories of those who did not love us, and always we came back to each other, my hopes always dashed. A few weeks ago however, our relationship began to change, she began to call me more and more simply hoping to hear my voice, we began to spend even more time together going to Ranger games or parties, and her attitude towards me began to shift in a direction I was completely oblivious too. You see, a simple act of kindness and friendship on my part changed the way she saw me, not that that was my motivation in doing it mind you, and over a couple of weeks, she finally came to understand her feelings for me.
And then this weekend happened. Just a little back-story, I am quite dense when it comes to relationships and I really do suck at them. There, that's all you need to know. We had a great time together Friday night at a party we went too, and then Saturday we went to a graduation party together. It was at this party that her friend Nicollete pushed her to tell me about her ever changing feelings, feelings I had no idea were changing, and yet, when we talked she told me that she thought she was falling in love with me. And of course, she told me that she was so scared because she did not want to lose me as a friend. After catching my breath and relishing my new found love, we talked it out together and have decided that it hurts too much not to be together, and that the risk is worth the ever growing reward. The love of my life, now loves me back. How truly wonderful that is today.
For the longest time, I felt as if I was constantly falling, constantly caught in an endless cycle of depression and catch-22's, and yet, after this wonderful weekend, I feel as if the sun has shone once again. I still have those problems, I still need to work out certain things, and it may be the case that I need to start working on myself for a change, but for the first time in at least 2 years, this weekend I smiled. And I meant it this time. You have to understand how rare that is for me these days, and because of that I felt compelled to share with you all. And so I go back to bed, this time with someone warm and loving to share it with.
posted
Sometimes the best relationships come of of these situations. I hope all is well with you, and that this continues to be a joy to you both.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Architraz Warden: Heh, having heard plenty of those back stories, I'll add "Way to go, and enjoy!"
Also, having met your mom a few times, I know seeing you happy is something she will absolutely love.
Feyd Baron
LOL, yep and you were good to put up with them.
Thanks everyone. Oh and if things weren't great already, I passed my TEXES math tests today with scores of 280 and 276, so I can now move on to become certified here in Texas, and hopefully, soon, I will be a high school math teacher. Life is good right now.
Posts: 457 | Registered: Jun 2005
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