posted
We hadn't succeeded in #1 yet when we had our first child, but we were well on our way toward it with a plan on how we would get there.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote:Thats lovely, because you can also "like" a mint parfait and a pony.
I'm under no illusion that I have any power over Syne beyond simple disapproval. However, I'm free to voice my disapproval, and let that do what it can.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Uh, people, how do did this thread turn into let's jump on me? I started this thread to talk about PEARL and his abusive techniques. Not to talk about my very far away future decisions.
And how do you know I don't want a family, TomDavidson? I want to meet a nice man, (maybe even a woman, but I really want a man more.) have (if I can, the chemo might have made me infertile, that's a worry) children and adopt special needs children. Maybe become a foster parent. I've already pointed out that I'm not ready to have kids, but folks make it seem like I absolutely cannot hold down jobs or that I will throw myself at a random man to have a child when I'm not even DOING anything to conceive children, especially since I'm old fashioned in the sense that I'd love to have children and adopt children with someone I love. I'm feeling like I'm being painted with a sort of Nadia Suleman brush, which is a bit unfair, as I do not do such things to other people. Why do this to me? I politely set up boundaries and asked people to stop doing this, and yet they insisted on doing it anyway. Cut it out. Your disapproval has been noted, but, isn't it a little bit unfair and harsh? Just a bit? There's no way I'd pass a home study now, and I've only recently started a new job that's temporary, as well as working an oncall job. I really don't see the need for these kind of... rude personal attacks.
Also, why is it a bad thing for me NOT to want to become the sort of parent my parents were? This isn't my sole reason for having children, but these things are a cycle, and it's important to be aware of it and to stop it. Which is what I'm trying to do...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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No. You said you wanted a child soon, ideally within a couple years.
If you have now changed your mind, I have achieved exactly what I intended by commenting on that ambition.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Also, why is it a bad thing for me NOT to want to become the sort of parent my parents were? This isn't my sole reason for having children, but these things are a cycle, and it's important to be aware of it and to stop it.
I'm only responding because you've posed a question.
*IF* you have children, you should endeavor to do better. I don't think anyone has contested this. This just shouldn't be the motivation to have a child in the first place, not even a little bit. Wanting to have a child because you can provide a stable, loving environment for them is a healthy motivation. Wanting a child (even partly) because you want to be a better parent than your parents were is not about having a child, it's about resolving issues with your parents.
Posts: 3275 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
1) You do not get to decide what the topic is about just because you started it. 2) Personally, I'd rather not start a thread about this. Where else would you rather take it -- especially since I've already said my piece? 3) Besides, if you are indeed aware that you are not ready to be a mother and will not be ready "soon," you and I don't have anything to disagree about. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Also, why is it a bad thing for me NOT to want to become the sort of parent my parents were? This isn't my sole reason for having children, but these things are a cycle, and it's important to be aware of it and to stop it.
I'm only responding because you've posed a question.
*IF* you have children, you should endeavor to do better. I don't think anyone has contested this. This just shouldn't be the motivation to have a child in the first place, not even a little bit. Wanting to have a child because you can provide a stable, loving environment for them is a healthy motivation. Wanting a child (even partly) because you can be a better parent than your parents were is not about having a child, it's about resolving issues with your parents.
I did say that's not why I want to be a parent. To be a better parent than my parents were... But that foundation of love and trust is important. I'm glad I didn't have children when I was 20 because I wouldn't have known how important attachment is. It's essential.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
That was a buzzer for me too, Synethesia. Your language pretty clearly indicates (still does, actually) that dealing with a disagreement with your parents is at least part of the motive, however small, behind your desire to have children.
Now, look, I really am sorry if you feel like this is jumping on you-but that's a crappy motive. I would say that to anyone using similar language on a thread I happened to read. I don't think I'd even heard of the Pearls until I read this thread. I thought it was a music story somehow, actually.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:I did say that's not why I want to be a parent.
I'm responding to this:
quote:This isn't my sole reason for having children, but...
This suggests that it's a reason, even if not the sole reason. It shouldn't even be a consideration.
If I misunderstood, then I apologize.
You ignored the things I said afterwards. About cycles. My mother loves me, but she was borderline abusive. My father cares about me, but he didn't want a child and he wasn't always present. Had it not been for my grandmother raising me more than I parents did, I probably would have been worse off, as I mostly lived in fear when I was living with my mother who'd hit me with a belt even as I was having chemo. I cannot understand why I'm being jumped on for this. There's larger issues I'm looking at. Issues like not continuing the cycle. My own mother was abused by her father, hit with extension cords, hangers. It's sort of a disturbing tradition, especially in the African American community of whoopin' that ass, teaching that child their place, according to Stacey Patton, it's a relic from slavery. There's a certain attitude about children, especially toddlers, that goes so against the love and trust kids need to really thrive as adults.
I have politely asked people to respect my boundaries, and they haven't. We've already established that I am not ready to be a parent. I'm aware of this. I have issues, everyone does, but I'm working hard to face them head on.
Now let's get to the more important pressing issue at hand, which is how to stop people like Pearl, Tripp, Ezzo, and Dobson, whose attitudes about children cause a lot of pain to both parents and children. I suggest reading That Mean Old Yesterday by Stacey Patton and see why it's important to me not to pass that sort of thing down, even though it's such a part of the culture.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:I cannot understand why I'm being jumped on for this
I think you can avoid this outcome next time. If it's something you don't want to be pressed on, say you don't wish to discuss it instead of responding with questions and opening the issue up. Most of the response here was basically a response to your questions.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Where did you ask people to respect your boundaries? You may very well have, and if you made it clear you didn't want to discuss this I'm sorry. But your posts can be difficult to read sometimes because you frequently don't break for paragraphs, plus it can be easy to forget someone doesn't want to discuss something if they continue making declarative statements about it to a group of people.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Rakeesh: Where did you ask people to respect your boundaries? You may very well have, and if you made it clear you didn't want to discuss this I'm sorry. But your posts can be difficult to read sometimes because you frequently don't break for paragraphs, plus it can be easy to forget someone doesn't want to discuss something if they continue making declarative statements about it to a group of people.
Up there, several times. I'm trying to explain myself, but I really shouldn't have to. Especially since people shouldn't make assumptions about my motives to have children when they only know me online. It's quite rude.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:I'm trying to explain myself, but I really shouldn't have to.
I'm unclear on this. Why shouldn't you explain yourself? Note that no one is saying you have to; you have chosen to do so. Should we prevent you from explaining yourself if you want to?
quote:Especially since people shouldn't make assumptions about my motives to have children when they only know me online.
Unless you've been lying about your motives for child-rearing all these years, I think you've told us enough that we can draw our own conclusions.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote: Have forgiven her parents, and have moved beyond the desire to "fix" their mistakes with children of her own.
QFT
I don't mean this just or even particularly about Synesthesia. A large part of maturing and becoming a healthy well adjusted adult, is learning to forgive your parents. All parents, even the best parents, make mistakes. Some, or course, make far more serious mistakes but perhaps counter intuitively the more serious our parents mistakes are the more important it is for our own mental health that we move past them.
Dwelling on the past is self destructive.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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quote:Especially since people shouldn't make assumptions about my motives to have children when they only know me online.
So when you make clear, consistent statements in a thread about your motives, should we assume you're lying about those motives or at best that those statements were irrelevant because we know you online?
Also, up there where? It really is difficult to read your posts, especially reading only your posts on a page-the lack of paragraph breaks makes it tougher to read. Looking back, when you first started talking about a desire to be a parent, you hadn't said anything about not wanting to talk about it.
Then when Tom spoke against that desire, you specifically asked him why he felt that way! You went on to rebut his argument with a specific list of items.
On looking back, you asked twice...but continued talking about it. Also when you asked you said people were jumping on you and that they weren't respecting your boundaries-boundaries which you didn't set by opening up the topic yourself!
Now, look, if you don't want to talk about it that's fine with me, I won't talk about it anymore. But let's get on board at least with the idea that it's pretty unreasonable, on a discussion board, to say, "I don't want to talk about this," and then make statements about it and when people object respond to them with lists.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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I want to meet a nice man, (maybe even a woman, but I really want a man more.) have (if I can, the chemo might have made me infertile, that's a worry) children and adopt special needs children. Maybe become a foster parent. I've already pointed out that I'm not ready to have kids, but folks make it seem like I absolutely cannot hold down jobs or that I will throw myself at a random man to have a child when I'm not even DOING anything to conceive children, especially since I'm old fashioned in the sense that I'd love to have children and adopt children with someone I love. I'm feeling like I'm being painted with a sort of Nadia Suleman brush, which is a bit unfair, as I do not do such things to other people. Why do this to me? I politely set up boundaries and asked people to stop doing this, and yet they insisted on doing it anyway. Cut it out. Your disapproval has been noted, but, isn't it a little bit unfair and harsh?
Syne, I have two co-workers that are foster parents and absolutely love doing it. They find it very rewarding. They have different kinds of foster homes, some short and some long term. One of the co-workers is a single lady that raised two kids of her own, and now spends her time taking care of kids as a foster mom. She received one child when she was a two weeks old, and has had her for nine months now. Another child she has had for three months, and later this week she will oficially be adopted by another co-worker.
If you feel you want to get a feel for how parenting is and want to help some kids at the same time, I suggest you look into the foster program in your state. You receive some state funding to help out with food and other needed items (diapers, food, etc.) and most states usually cover medical expenses and even day care.
I can see how the two foster moms here at my office have had their lives changed by helping these kids out, and it really is a rewarding experience. Whenever they get a new child and need clothes, toys, or other items everyone in the office will help out and bring stuff for them. They sometimes bring the kids in so we can meet them. This is what led to the adoption.
Posts: 1937 | Registered: Nov 2006
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quote: Have forgiven her parents, and have moved beyond the desire to "fix" their mistakes with children of her own.
QFT
I don't mean this just or even particularly about Synesthesia. A large part of maturing and becoming a healthy well adjusted adult, is learning to forgive your parents. All parents, even the best parents, make mistakes. Some, or course, make far more serious mistakes but perhaps counter intuitively the more serious our parents mistakes are the more important it is for our own mental health that we move past them.
Dwelling on the past is self destructive.
Agreed... And it's sometimes very difficult, especially when one feels badly wronged, to remember that forgiveness is often at least as much for the well-being of the one forgiving.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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quote: Have forgiven her parents, and have moved beyond the desire to "fix" their mistakes with children of her own.
QFT
I don't mean this just or even particularly about Synesthesia. A large part of maturing and becoming a healthy well adjusted adult, is learning to forgive your parents. All parents, even the best parents, make mistakes. Some, or course, make far more serious mistakes but perhaps counter intuitively the more serious our parents mistakes are the more important it is for our own mental health that we move past them.
Dwelling on the past is self destructive.
Agreed... And it's sometimes very difficult, especially when one feels badly wronged, to remember that forgiveness is often at least as much for the well-being of the one forgiving.
Forgiveness is well and good, but it's not dwelling on the past but thinking about the future. I will not fall into the trap of passing this sort of thing on. I must admit me and my mother's relationship is a bit better. In college I used to be too scared to talk to her on the phone. But now we talk quite a bit... Me and my father talk sometimes too and he sends me Birthday and Xmas money.
I want to be a foster parent one day. There's such a need for it.Plus foster care reform is another concern of mine.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:I will not fall into the trap of passing this sort of thing on.
*whisper* Not having children is one way to avoid that.
Should I REALLY deprive myself of the joys and pains having and adopting children in the future because of my past? Why do you think I spent too much time dwelling on this issue in the first place? A person has just one child, and it's like having generations worth of children. The way I see it is, I'm not in an ideal position now. My jobs have mostly been temp, or dull long term jobs I left for greener passages. It's true. The job I have now is temporary. But I feel like if there's one thing that makes me mature it's examining these things and questioning them instead of just going down that same path without a single thought. One day I'll be a lot stabler, more structured, the whole nine yards. I'm getting closer to that ideal each day, I think. I've manage to live on my own for the last several years in the same apartment full of stuff I've worked hard to get. I'd say I'm doing OK, not quite like living in a condo in Brookline, but these things take time.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Should I REALLY deprive myself of the joys and pains having and adopting children in the future because of my past?
If you can't get over that past, maybe.
Like I said, it's not a matter of getting over it. It's a matter of not wanting to pass it down.
Extreme corporeal punishment is really prevalent in the African American community. It's practically woven into the culture.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
If it's just a matter of not wanting to pass it down, again, not having kids solves that problem. You can't pass it down unless you have kids. In fact, choosing to raise children amounts to choosing to take the risk that you'll pass down your parents' mistakes.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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