Actually, one of my "Hatrack memories" is of one of David's first posts - it was the first one of his that I saw, but I don't know that it was his first post. It was in Thor's original "ORSON SCOTT CARD, I CHALLENGE THEE" thread. He said (roughly) that he had always pictured Thor as an embittered, middle-aged failure of a poet, but now realized that Thor was actually just a Gen-X fanboy with something to prove...

I'm not sure why it sticks in my mind, but memories are strange like that. There are some posts and threads that just do that for what seems to be no particular reason; I guess that's why I keep returning to Hatrack even after extended breaks (which are typically caused by school).

I remember Anne Kate's post in one of the many Radiohead threads about how great it was to sing along with Optimistic in the shower at the top of her lungs.

I remember KEGE in the "AKA's asteroid annihilation" thread.

I remember Ophelia in many a "post lyrical snippets" thread - we kept one of those going for weeks between the two of us.

I remember playing Dr. Mobius' lyrics game with Jeni just last night.

I remember listening to Shark Fin, by sarfa's former band, for the first time, and I remember how happy I was when he sent me their demo CD.

I remember when the identity of Dead Horse was revealed and the username was retired.

I remember realizing just how many usernames Leto II has.

I remember realizing that "LETOLL" was supposed to read "LETO 2," and wondering why I hadn't noticed the first Leto.

I remember my first post - it was in a thread Tom started about a letter he had sent to Salon after reading one of their articles.

I remember a discussion about newbies way back in 2000 - "we decided to keep him." ("Him" being me).

I remember making my first nervous foray into the daunting "Books, Films, Food, and American Culture" from my former home in "Discussions about Orson Scott Card." I remember deciding to stay here.

I remember Slash vs. Tom on the subject of capitalism.

I remember Hobbes' smiley threads.

I remember the first time I saw OSC post.

...now...

...that was something.

Most of my breaks from Hatrack are caused, as I said, by school. I'm taking chemical engineering at the University of Waterloo, and I find it more than a little challenging. There was, though, one hiatus (in 2001) that was caused by a girl. I posted about it in Belle's thread for sharing personal stuff. Her name is Christina.

Oddly enough, for someone who writes atrocious free verse poetry, I think the best way for me to express this is with the lyrics of a song I wrote for/about her.

Tin

shed a tear for me
for what i'll never be
for what i've left behind
tonight
i asked too much of you
was too afraid of what i'd see
in me
and i've never seen you crying
but i don't mind
and i wanted you to be there
when i died tonight
don't cry for who i've been
he's dead and gone after tonight
bear witness to my sins
in silence
he drowned my life in lies
just kept them coming, flowing in
inside
and i've always been afraid of you
but i don't mind
and i didn't know who lived in me
but that can't make it right
and i'm afraid of you and i'm afraid for you and i'm afraid of you and what i do to you
and how many times have i run from you
a burned little child
and i couldn't say what i needed to hear
my answers erased with a smile
i don't know a thing no i don't know a thing no yeah
you've held my whole world on your shoulders
held this broken child
don't mourn the self i've left behind me
now
or tonight...

I actually had two relationships with this girl (several years apart); I wrote the song just before the second one (October 2000). Just after the first one (which was in high school – the middle of 1998) got started one of my best friends (her name was Eman) was killed in a car accident (10.04.98) - hence "you've held my whole world up on your shoulders."

Since I didn’t post too much during that year (though I lurked), I think that the best way to summarize the effect that the second releationship with her had on me is to post the words to a song I wrote shortly after she broke up with me (a second time) last Christmas (I wrote the song in January-February of this year). The breakup, while hard, was the best choice for her, and we’re still friends (we’ve always been friends, even while we weren’t having relationships).

A Dirty Clean

I'm on a beach at sunset; the sand between my toes is
Cold but I don't care
The hues are picture-perfect / I'm photogenic, even
The sun can't help but stare
I feel like I'm the bullgod / my ego holds me close and
Soothes away my fear
Fear of failure / fear of disappointment
But I still wish you were here
I've missed the way your body curves / between your hips and shoulders
I've missed your fingers through my hair
And sometimes I hope / the place tomorrow finds me
I might find you there

I'm on my feet and / the ground beneath me / is solid as it's ever been

The waves wash me clean and I'm dancing inside
I've sullied my mind with myself
It heals even you and I'm dancing now
I can't wait to see the sunrise

The sun sinks lower / the waves lap the shore and I
Shiver from the breeze
I sign you in the sand and / let sleep's tomorrow find me
Soothing in its ease

I'm on my feet and / the ground beneath me / is solid as it's ever been

The waves wash me clean and I'm dancing inside
I've sullied my mind with myself
It heals even you and I'm dancing now
I can't wait to see the sunnrise

The waves wash me clean and I'm dancing inside
Unsullied my mind by myself
It's healed even you and I'm dancing now
I can't wait to see the sunrise

Tomorrow you'll be gone
Tomorrow you'll be gone
Tomorrow you'll be gone

I’d post links to the songs themselves (I’ve never recorded Tin, but I’m working on it), but my school’s mail server (where I have my webspace) is currently down. I’ll add links to .mp3 files as soon as they’re back up.

While I’m on the subject of women, this is probably the best piece of… [ code? free verse poetry? ] I’ve ever written.

Maybe I should post it in deerpark’s thread.

I think that what I’m getting at with all of this is that the best way for me to show you who I am is by showing you the things I remember and the things I create. Unfortunately, it’s just as time-consuming to read as an autobiographical piece like Bob and Moose have done, and is also considerably more haphazard. Nonetheless, if you’ve read this far, there isn’t that much more to do.

I wrote Meizi and The Ballad of the Forgotten Poet after the Eman’s death. Neither one has any words – I’m not very good at writing lyrics, and while I think I can get my point across with them, it’s easier for me to express emotion in music (be it that of others or my own). The Ballad of the Forgotten Poet was actually named for a song my oldest friend Duncan (I wrote I Am Not A Duck for Duncan’s birthday in 1999 – he used to tell a horrible joke about ducks with a blues improv background) wrote and sang about Eman.

I only have to finish one more song about Eman before I think I’ll finally be able to lay her to rest – one with words. Actually, it’ll probably be about death in general, which is something I spent some time I]http://arstechnica.infopop.net/OpenTopic/page?a=tpc&s=50009562&f=28609695&m=6240921983 ] thinking about this winter.

A snippet from that thread:

quote:

---

…after my best friend died, I performed Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C# Minor at the local music festival (almost a year later). I did it with her obituary in my shirt pocket, because she loved hearing me play the piece as I was learning it, but she never got to hear me play it all the way through. Was that a personal mechanism designed to help me acheive some sort of closure, or was it a sign that I subconsciously believe in something more than this flesh-and-blood life?

---

I still don’t know the answer to that question, but it’s an interesting one to think about.

I’d walk the water to get back to you
and where I was complete
we found you scattered by the highway side
too soon to be released
gathered the pieces up
and cleaned the places where you were undone
and washed the wreckage out
unfinished, all the thoughts that we’d begun

-Moist, Leave it Alone

It’s kind of strange how music, movies, and books can all have a powerful effect on me. I wrote The Painting this summer, after watching What Dreams May Come.

Interestingly enough, an .mp3 of Leto’s just started playing. It’s a shame that I don’t have the equipment and time/patience to get my tunes sounding this good, but someday…

[ On the subject of questions worth considering, I think that I should have cross-posted this here at Hatrack, because it resulted in a fascinating discussion… ]

All right, I’m getting more and more mundane… this means that I’m drawing to a close. Just a few things I should mention:

Thus far, I think that Xenocide has been my favourite of OSC’s books (however, I’ve only read the Ender-related books and Treasure Box).

…and some (auto)biographical notes.

My mother is Palestinian. She was six years old in 1948 when her family left Jaffa for what they thought was going to be a couple of weeks until things “settled down.” Since then, she has been back twice – once in 1968 with one of her brothers and once in 1987 with my father and I while we were living in Amman, Jordan. After getting her Ph D, she taught elementary school in Nova Scotia until this year, when I finally convinced her to retire and relax. *grin*

My father is from New Zealand. He was a national swimming and diving champion when he was younger than I am today (I only ever won a provincial championship at the peak of my swimming “career,” and then only in my class), fought in the Korean War, toured Japan with a rugby team, has a Ph D in elementary education (just like mum) and has actually written a couple of books on the subject of literacy (one of which I’m currently reading). He taught in the field of teacher education at Acadia University (specifically, child literacy) until he retired about ten years ago.

My mother and father met in Switzerland at some sort of teachers’ conference.

I was born in 1981 in Nova Scotia, and lived there for most of my life - with the exception of a year in Amman, where I went to school and learned to speak, read, and write in Arabic (and even had to take English classes!). Unfortunately, I can’t read or write Arabic anymore (except my own name), and my speaking abilities are rudimentary at best (basic conversation only). I started playing the piano when I was four years old and still play whenever I get the chance. These days I’m working my way through my first degree, but because my program is a co-op program, I only go to school in four-month chunks; when I’m not at school, I’m off working somewhere in my industry (so far, I’ve worked for Xerox, a foam company, a refinery, and now Dow Chemical). Hence my absences from Hatrack.

I’d say that brings us full circle. 1.04 posts per day – I wonder how long it’ll take me to drop below 1.0?

Interesting twink, particularly the do/while thing. Tin actually sounds rather cool, though seems to decend into a radiohead like dissonence at the end. So it, i assume, will do much better as a song than as a poem, with that sort of ending.

quote:

---

Thus far, I think that Xenocide has been my favourite of OSC’s books (however, I’ve only read the Ender-related books and Treasure Box).

…and some (auto)biographical notes.

---

I fell in love with OSC all over again this weekend...I just finished Pastwatch - the Redemption of Christopher Columbus. I think you'll enjoy it.

Pod, I also remember your "walking on walls" pictures. Those ruled!

Thanks, :Locke. I appreciate that.

Sorry my post was so long.

Edit: Actually, I'm not sorry! It's not as though I didn't warn you.

Also,if I decide I like this place,then you're stuck with me,cause I don't leave places I like.

We'll have to throw you a party.

quote:

---

Older as in posts or older as in age?

---

I really like your work, poetry, music, it's all good.

Chaeron, I don't remember what the verse was that Dead Horse used to reveal his/her identity, but here's something in a similar vein.

sometimes it's best
and most prudent not to
reveal the
final identity of
a Hatrack legend.

If I could find the original post, I would....

Anyway, it's up and running again, so I posted what I've got.

A Dirty Clean

The Atari Prophet

And now I'm about to reveal something startling to those of you who know what I'm talking about, and completely opaque to most of you.