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» Hatrack River Forum » Archives » Landmark Threads » two thousand posts and nearly three years later...

   
Author Topic: two thousand posts and nearly three years later...
porcelain girl
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not only is it my two thousandth post, but it is almost my three year anniversary as a jatraquera. i originally registered in december of 1999 under a different name that shall remain unmentioned.
in the summer of 2000 my new nic was one adopted out of pain, but has since then taken on several dimensions. i guess i should try to share who i am, but i really don't know how to do that in a single post on an internet forum. i'll try to show a little bit of myself that isn't readily visible from my posts at hatrack.

i was born into a mormon family. my father was raised in the church and my mother converted in her twenties. i have two older and three younger brothers. i am the only girl.
my hair isn't really red.
my eyes really are really green.
i really am under five feet tall.
i really do weigh more than i look.
i've got small hands, small feet, and big thighs.
in fifth grade i was the only white girl playing double dutch.
in the sixth grade my family went to disney world for the first and only time.
as soon as we returned my parents got separated.
neither me or any of my brothers have any desire to return.
my parents were divorced when i was in the ninth grade. this is a very painful part of who i am, not because i wanted my parents to stay married, but because of the reasons i know they should not be together. i won't go into details about my dad because people on this forum know him both as my father and some people probably know him and don't even know he's my father.
let's just say he lacks severely as a happy, healthy human being and it brings me a lot of pain to still have the love for him that i do. even with half of us grown up, my family is still suffering. i probably won't ever talk publicly about my father until he is dead, and when he is you can believe that will be a terrible speaking to attend. did i mention he's a psychiatrist? :roll eyes: i'm sure he's a good psychiatrist - he's terribly intelligent; he's just not the best dad. i do love him, though.
on the other hand, my mother is one of my best friends. i want few things more than to see her with someone she loves and happy. i only wish she didn't have to wait so long for this to happen.
she calls me for advice as much as i call her. she has a very unique and truly weird sense of humor, not unlike the rest of my family. the best part about eating dinner together is all the laughter.
last thanksgiving there were no less than a dozen references to the male genitalia made at the dinner table and in front of a non-family member guest at that. all under an hour. my mother just sighed and laughed, knowing resistance was futile.
my mother is very spiritual and wise, she is always thirsting for knowledge and works very hard for her family. i am a lot like my mother both physically and personality-wise, this is something i treasure. she has always told me that she believes i am older than her in spirit but that we decided she would be my mother in this earthly life. i appreciate that decision so much, she has been so forgiving of me in some very tough times, especially those brought on by myself.
all of my brothers are extremely talented in some way, but unfortunately we have some very self defeating characteristics perhaps adopted throughout the times of pain and abuse.
in high school i was crazy. i can't think how else to describe it. i hallucinated, was extremely manic, paranoid, and was plagued with extremely disturbing nightmares. i have always had very vivid and remarkable dreams, but these particular dreams had an outstanding effect on my waking life. i heard faerie music and wouldn't sleep until there was pink in the sky. i used to turn on every light there was downstairs, and after i had fallen asleep, my mother would come downstairs and turn them all off. if i woke up i'd panic in the dark and scramble to turn them all back on. i missed quite a bit of school and how i managed to get fives on my ap exams and graduate with honors is beyond me, other than my proclamation that insanity was hand in hand with genius!
i'm quite a bit better these days.
i also have a purty heavy abandonment complex. even when someone is just hanging up the phone or shutting the door for a split second the part of me that has nothing to do with logic feels that i will never see that person again and that i am dreadfully alone. i've learned to deal with this.
a good friend that also happens to be closely related to the host of this site told me that no matter what i am doing, i throw myself into it, full force, and "sara, you are just all about the love."
and i am. i love so much and so desperately need to be loved. i have no qualms admitting it, more than anything i just want find that love.
right now i am in a slightly challenging relationship with a close friend that also was best friends with one of my younger brothers. even with the physical aspects removed, as strong as they are, we can't seem to leave eachother well enough alone.
as he explained, we aren't completely opposite, but we come pretty damn close; and yet, there is something so familiar about him. we both acknowledge that is has to end soon, but we're always going to care about eachother. i am leaving school at the end of this semester (just three more weeks) and going back home to virginia beach to "do art" with my mom, and dance every day. just under my relationships with family and friends, dancing is the next love in my life. dancing is the only other thing that really makes me happy and free. it is the most natural way for me to bring what is on the inside, out. it is a physical manifestation of my soul and spirit, and when i go without i become not only depressed but physically ill. i have had bad asthma since i was born, and it really screws things up! i would sooo shave my head again if it meant i could frikkin' BREATHE!! appropriate bane for a dancer, eh? my dance teacher/friend has been like the fatherly force in my life that i lacked within my own immediate family as a young woman and has taught me invaluable life lessons and given me enormous opportunities. he is someone that sees me for who i really am.
while i am home i will also be preparing to go on a mission for the lds church. i am still searching for the truth, but i have felt that this is something i need to do on my way to not only finding it but becoming it. and what else do i really have to judge that truth by, but my feelings?
after that, i have no clue. i am sorta fond of such cluelessness.

mm, i already feel like i've said too much, but that's a wee peek into this wee gal.
i've appreciated the resources, lightheartedness, and sincere support that people at hatrack provide. thanks, y'all.


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Toretha
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thank you. That was an amazing post. happy anniversary and 2000th post
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mackillian
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I am in the I lub Sara club.
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BYuCnslr
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oui, happy 2000th!
Satyagraha

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Amka
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Wow, Sara.

Fantastically incredible. You have a magical life. Not an easy one, to be sure, but perhaps the faerie music was not an hallucination.


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Troubadour
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*applause*
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T_Smith
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*waves at porce*

Hello you special person you.


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aka
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<Misses the wonderful long conversations she used to have with Porcelina.>
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Bob_Scopatz
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Sara,

Thanks for letting some of us get to know you better. I think you are living proof that life is an adventure!

Congrats on the anniversary and the 2000th post. It was a good one.


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Ophelia
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Great post! You rock
We short people have to stick together(*is barely 5'0"*)

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Ethics Gradient
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You're a truly beautiful person, Sara. Much love, much respect. Always.
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esl
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Happy 2000! I loved reading your post.
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ginette
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Me too loved reading your post.


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Ralphie
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If you're going to have a doppleganger, they may as well not suck.
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Tammy
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<====== Likes reading the wee gal's words.


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ClaudiaTherese
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Congratulations, porcelain girl, and thanks for many pointed insights and witty contributions.
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Noemon
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Porce, what a beautiful post. It's good to know more about you. You joined Hatrack (under your original name) just a few months after I did (under my original name), and I've always enjoyed and appreciated your presence here on Hatrack. I'm very glad to know you.
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TomDavidson
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What more can anyone say, Sara? I love having you around.

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twinky
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*hugs porce*


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katharina
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Porce, you totally rock.
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somedeadguy
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Awesome post Porce, keep the awesome posts coming. Happy 2000th!
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TheTick
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That was a great post, Porce. It's nice having another Virginian on the board.
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Vána
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I'm so glad you're here.


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solo
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That was a great post. Thanks for letting us get to know you a little better.

I think that posts like this are what make hatrack feel like a real community.


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dkw
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*waves*


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advice for robots
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You're one of the ones whose posts I always stop and read. You're one of the funniest and most insightful people here. Best wishes for the future!
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porcelain girl
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a simultaneous thanks again and you're so very welcome.
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JohnKeats
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*thinks about saying something nice, then remembers the abandonment complex*

*leaves thread forever*

j/k

You're all about the love, Sara. I think a lot of us in this generation are old souls.


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Jaiden
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Hobbes
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Hobbes


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Zalmoxis
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One of the things I like about sara is that last fall in the six weeks or so after Sept. 11 when I was regularly doing the chat thing, she always greeted me warmly, treated me like a friend even though she didn't know me super well, and was highly entertaining and let me tease her and cheered me up.

A true jewel of Hatrack that porcelain girl is.


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Dante
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Porcelina is cool. She also wants me. The two happen to be related, albeit not interdependent, considerations.

We're glad you're here, Sara.


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Pixie
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Congratulations Porce! ::hugs::
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JaneX
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Great post, Sara. I enjoyed reading it.

Happy 2000th post!

~Jane~


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NdRa
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<----appreciates Sara.
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porcelain girl
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<---appreciates sandy not only as a jatraquera, but as a future chocolate-syrup wrestling opponent.
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Deirdre
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Great post. I also love my cluelessness.
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Icarus
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Congratulations!!

quote:
It's nice having another Virginian on the board.

Oh...Virginian...never mind...


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graywolfe
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Loved the post (seems to be a sentiment shared by all), and nearly every post of your's I've come across as well. Don't envy your struggles, and the path you've travelled, but it has been made abundantly clear that these struggles, and this path have made you mighty stronger (and that does not happen with everybody, I may be an example of the contrast, though I hope not).

Incidentally you also have my sympathy on the asthma, I've had a moderate grade of asthma since I was 3 and it's always been a pain in the arse. And just when I thought I'd nearly gotten rid of it as an adult (except the occasional bouts which came as a warning of poor, rainy weather right around the corner), it came creeping back the past two weeks with a horrible virus I had (for a while, I was wondering a bit whether it was gonna kill me, it can get quite scary when breathing is nearly impossible. Happily, it didn't.), hopefully your asthma has at least receded a little bit with age? (keeping my fingers crossed)

[This message has been edited by graywolfe (edited November 27, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by graywolfe (edited November 27, 2002).]


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draz
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I trust that "doing art" and dancing will not interfere with your posting.

Looking forward to the next 2000 posts!


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Designated Bumper
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::bump::
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