In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;
Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth.
A lot more people were begotten after this, but I don’t remember names too well.
At some point, these ancestors of ours decided that hermaphrodite cloning (as is clearly depicted above) was SO Genesis and started bumping uglies like civilized human beings.
* Flash forward to 1978 *
In the beginning (of the month of December), a fetus was created. Afterwards, Ed said, “Let there be light.”
Debbe flipped the switch, put on some clothes, and they went out to watch Dallas. And the episode was good.
* Flash forward to September 6, 1979 *
In the hours before their departure to Cape Fear Hospital, when all the final scurrying about had reached a nearly unbearable frenzy, an old crone came to visit the mother-to-be.
“You will name the child Edmund,” said the old woman, as she rested her hand upon the belly of Debbe.
“We decided that 9 months ago, Grandma, so quit being creepy or we’re going to take you back to the nursing home.”
* Flash forward to 10:39pm *
EDDIE: WAAAHHHH! (Translation: Turn the lights off, dude.)
Most of the details of the next eighteen years are rather boring…and more than a little fuzzy. I remember going to school or something. And falling down a lot. At some point, we moved to California. I got a cool hairdo, learned to roller-skate, and some other stuff that, now that I look back on it, served no real purpose other than to kill time. Subsequent moves to Idaho and Kansas yielded similar results.
Years 18-23 are only slightly more interesting.
My 18th birthday is spent at Columbia University with the crew team. This is only important to mention because crew was the only thing I learned my freshman year in college.
My 19th birthday is spent eating beef jerky in the back of a Nissan Sentra in Denver, CO. I dropped out of Columbia and convinced my best friend and cousin to drop out of USC and move to Florida. We meet the devil, and she introduces us to Ender’s Game. We both proceed to fall in love with the devil AND Ender’s Game (the devil, I should add, is Brooke Wells of New Orleans, LA). Other than that, all I remember are surfing and sunburns.
My 20th and 21st were spent with my future ex-fiancée. Shortly after the 21st, she becomes just “ex-fiancée”. Then I moved to Vermont and saw some snow. And some trees covered in snow. For some reason, I’m inspired to move back to Florida, which I do.
My 22nd passes uneventfully. In May of 2002, I packed up and left Florida with no destination in mind. I drove around and ate more beef jerky. Is it just me, or does beef jerky taste best when you’re driving? Anyway, my subconscious, with the help of road signs, led me back to Boise.
So ends my pre-Hatrack life. Any time not accounted for in the above story of my life was spent eating, sleeping, reading, writing, or a combination of any or all of these.
* Flash forward to July 6, 2002 *
I was informed by Luet/Lutya that I must stop lurking around Hatrack and that I need to give others the opportunity to dislike me. My other option, she told me, was to register at the Philotic Web. Seeing as I was still sore at P-web for making me feel stupid in the trivia contest, I chose Hatrack. There’s another reason I chose Hatrack, but that one will remain known only to Sara and Toni.
It’s been a long six months since I became a Jatraquero. In September, I moved back to NYC for the first time since I gave Columbia the proverbial finger. So far, it’s been a good choice. Last month, I got hired to co-author a book called “101 Ways to Find a Great Guy in NYC”, and this week I have an interview for a Social Studies teacher position in Brooklyn.
The downside is that I only got to spend one day with Ralphie and Khavanon in P-land. Actually, since she almost killed us last time, a long-distance relationship may not be such a bad thing. Oh, Toni…give Shon his book back, will ya?
In exchange for the Pacific NW clump, I’ve received the Northeast crowd. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Risuena and Noah (though he was much too busy with his handcart filled with OSC books to remember). I’ve gotten to know the person behind the “HAHAHAHA…ASS” comment, and she’s even funnier in person. You all know whom I’m talking about. Unfortunately, though, there seems to be a Hatrack conspiracy to end my life. People, I don’t care how beautiful or funny she is…ladyday is not one to get into a car with.
Also, thanks to Nathan and Bob for keeping the BTQ thread going strong. A good portion of my posts go towards making these guys laugh.
Last, but not least, I’d like to thank my Parachat and AIM homies. I never would have gotten to 1000 posts if you hadn’t kept me up until 4am every night. Oh, and Leto, I have something to tell you. I am not left-handed.
* Bows and accepts his “Least likely to get a response from his milestone post” award *