It took me a while but thankfully Jebus revived that certain thread..mwhehe..Even T got ahead of me..not fair..Please excuse my grammar..
Lately I've been making myself preoccupied. I despise coming home to a dull life but I won't whine about it. I've been joining numerous activites keeping me away from Hatrack because I don't want to always have my face in front of a computer how often. I'm so afraid I won't be successful in the future. Now that there's only 2 more weeks left of middle school, it hit me that 4 more years probably won't be enough for me to get prepared. I'm acknowledged practically parish-wide for my success in literature and other arts.
If anyone had any suggestions on what I could do next, I'd be glad to hear it. I've been in 2 art exhibits, 4-5 concerts both vocal and instrumental, author, art editor of my school's Anthology, acknowledged Legislator for my age and many more. Despite the acknowledgements, I don't think it's enough.
Speaking of highschool, so many here are graduating from it or always telling about their nightmares of it. I have so much I want to do in those 4 years but am restricted to less. I want to be introduced to drama, excel in the art, practice chorale, debate my butt off on anything and learn more about computers and technology. I don't want to be limited. Being a 1st generation here, I suppose I have way too much pride.
Another reason why I have been partially absent is because of my friends. I've never had true friends like these until last year. Lately, I've been experimenting with 'dating' and now I regret it. When I go to school strangers come up to me and ask why did I break my old "boyfriend's" heart. Even though I remind myself about how young I am, I just can't reply.
With everything my parents put upon me I just have to confide in someone in person. That's what school is for, isn't it? I've met so many over-achievers here and befriended the wackiest people. You know, those people that play SC and WC3 nonstop, make the stupidest jokes and then obsess over math and science. Just innocent people. Yup, those are my friends.
But then I had this huge problem that I didn't entirely want to share with you because I was afraid of your reactions. So I just avoided this place. I never really knew what a crush was until I met this person, David, and we used to hate each other. I'm not a person that will be shy and tell everyone else but that person that I 'prefer' the person. When we officially became a couple (my-age-kinda-couple) I was happy even though I was interrogated everyday why I would want to date a jerk like him. People these days just judge so easily and harshly but he is a jerk. A jerk I unfortunately like.
Then I realized my mistake. He did like me and I liked him but it just wasn't the same. We never talked, avoided each other but his ignorance towards me, hurt the most of all things. He didn't want to commit or build up anything that will be destroyed later and I felt different. At the end of the school year we were different people. I spent a whole summer in misery because of it. He had hurt me in a way I had not expected. At the beginning of this school year we just went seperate ways and became interested in other people. We all created one big group of friends; our little posse, David and I always being the most socialable. We're such flirts
As time grew on though, we started connecting again cuz he couldn't find anyone else to confide in. We never stopped flirting with each other and my old bf, Chad, was evidently jealous of it. They were best friends, with so much in common, both smart but just completely different persons. Unfortunately, I think I destroyed their friendship to a certain extent. I liked David again and evidently he liked me back. It was a triangle I tried very hard to prevent.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I could see it was hurting Chad more to see what was happening, so I let him go. That was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I wanted to ask what you thought I should have done but then I remembered how some people think I'm too young to think like this, so I didn't even consider it. Now Chad's entirely focused in his academics but not in the same way. He doesn't smile as much any more and it's like he's excluded from our little group now. I feel so horrible for it. It was just that David and I could be more free with each other. I held back a lot when it came to Chad.
Now so many people want to slap me for my stupidity and the dilemma I caused. I feel stupid as well because I'm falling for the same person that hurt me first. I never got over him but I didn't realy want to. When I think too hard I write. What I have written has made a few cry and feel so sorry for me. David is a person I'd never think I would find and I don't want to loose him as a friend or as a "significant other" either but what happened before, is starting to begin again. I know I'm still way too young but I can't prevent it.
I've been waiting sooo long to just share that with everyone here. My timing for everything has always been off I guess. I'm so afraid for my future right now because time is going by so fastly. My friends and I are going to be seperated and I'm not really ready for it but oh well..I'll live.. You may now remind me of my foolishness..darn photo album not working..
Hi Mae, how's it going? Good, I hope. I read the whole thing, and I have advice that I wanted to give on everything, but the only thing I really wanted to mention was this:
quote: I'm so afraid I won't be successful in the future. Now that there's only 2 more weeks left of middle school, it hit me that 4 more years probably won't be enough for me to get prepared. I'm acknowledged practically parish-wide for my success in literature and other arts.
This is the part where I playfully smack you and ask if you're joking...
When I was your age I hadn't done half of the things you've done with your life (I haven't even done that much now) and I still look toward the future with success. Might I ask what you think it takes to be successful?? IMO, you got what it takes to be successful in life.
Posts: 9750 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
Wow. You spent time avoiding hatrack, and you still managed 4000 posts in roughly 10 months. That's 40 posts a month. More than 10 posts per day. And you avoided this place.
So how do I check this site like four times a day and have less than 600 posts in two years?
As far as the rest of your post, you amaze me. I teach middle school. You're more mature and well-written than 95% of the people I've taught, and what's more, you know that there are things out there you'll just never have time to master.
"The more you know, the more you realize you don't know." Only fools thinks that they know everything, or that they even can know everything. You're ahead of most people already.
As far as the relationship aspect of your life goes, it's huge, I know. When I was in middle school and high school, the world revolved around my relationships, and the sun rose and set on whatever girl I happened to be dating...
and now? I look back at those times fondly, but I'm such a different person, with entirely different values and motivations behind dating. Those relationships, which were of the utmost importance at 14, really aren't that major in the grand scheme.
I can't offer any advice on how to make the ride any easier, cuz it certainly wasn't easy for me, and I only managed to figure things out in college. The only thing I can say is to ride the wave out as best as you can, and try not to get pulled under.
Two weeks... dang you get out early. I've got two months!
Part of finding the right person involves stumbling and falling and getting your heart broken a few times. It's a scientifical fact. I know it doesn't help you feel any better, but be aware that it is all for a purpose.
True Love does not just happen. People talk about seeing someone else from across the room and knowing that that is 'the one'.
That is utter horsecrap. That is called lust. You don't know if someone is the one until you talk to them and get to know them. You don't know who 'the one' is without having a frame of reference.
When you're younger, it's hard to say what makes a good person for you. It's hard to know what you really want. Dating and getting your heart broken are, for most of us, the only way to find our true love because that is the only way we gain experience.
As Cow mentioned, you're a good person, and smart. It sounds like you don't have to fall more than a couple times to learn that personality 'x' just does not work for you. But you are going to have to fall, and it is worth it, because true love is worth it. It's the only thing that is in this crazy, mixed up world.
(As an Adult, though, I think you should focus on school and not on 'love'. I know me saying this is like spitting in the wind, but I do have to say that there's not much sense falling in love at your age, is there? Dating? Sure. But keep your heart to yourself as much as you can and look for Mr. Right once you graduate. Your teenage years are hard enough without having to worry about how someone else is feeling. *You* learn how to make *yourself* happy first. )
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
Honestly, I don't consider getting the lowest score on the LEAP (Louisiana Educational Assessment Program (I think)) as being the score of a successful perso. I got Basics in both Math and English. That's barely enough to pass..
Mae, Saudade gets a few laughs out of the bogus interpretive dances that I do. I suggest you do as I do with this one...
::point index finger on both hands out in front of you:: ::put the two fingers side by side:: ::move both hands apart in opposite directions about 3 inches:: ::move both hands down 8 inches:: ::bring hands together again::
The square you have just made represents that stupid test.
::clench fists:: ::extend both amrs straight out:: ::bring left arm over right arm:: ::bring right forearm up in a 90 degree angle from right elbow:: ::extend middle finger::
In other words, screw those stupid tests. Those tests are not going to tell you the future, nor are they going to tell you how much you can improve on something in four years. If you feel like you need to improve, then work on it. Don't sell yourself short just because of a piece of paper that would burn up just as soon as you chucked it into a furnace.
Posts: 9750 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |