posted
What, exactly, is the relation between Spongebob_Scopatz and his slightly more popular namesake (who in Mexico is known as Bob Esponja)?
Is Begging the Question a brilliant Bob innovation or a tired re-hash of a centuries-old parlor game?
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A: No. Bob is really a team of writers replying under this one Hatrack log in. The real Bob is sort of soft-spoken and when he tries to be funny in real life, it often comes off as sarcasm. This has cost him many friendships, but he can’t seem to stop it.
I'll have to disagree with that. The answer to FAQ 5 is, in fact, Yes.
posted
Does Bob know about the Bob-fanclubs, the Dallas Bob-shrine, and the patented Bob-Joke-o-matic?
Side Note: Dan_Raven, you are very funny and very cool. You're the worthy Vice-Bob, the Diet Coke of Bob, the heir of Bob, and the Bobawan.
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Bob regrets to say that while this is indeed a Frequently asked Question, he has no idea what it means and rather than display his ignorance, he has asked a couple of questions of his own.
FAQ 54: When does Bob eat supper?
A: Bob has perfected the science of nearly continuous meal consumption. As such, there's no specific time at which lunch ends and supper begins.
On another level, Bob would like add that the more appropriate question would be "where does Bob eat supper?" To which the reply is "at his aunt's house in Pennsylvania because she is the only person he knows who calls it "supper" instead of dinner.
FAQ 55: Does Bob have a favorite pair of socks? If so, what are they like?
A: Bob indeed does have a favorite pair of socks. He likes it so much, he owns 20 others just like it. Sadly, Bob has lost track of which one was the original pair and which are just the Johnny come latelies of the sock drawer.
The favorite pair is just a low-rise tube sock by Hanes. Plain old white. At least originally.
FAQ 56: Does Bob ever stand on his bed just so he can feel tall?
A: This used to be one of Bob's favorite passtimes until he discovered "standing on the shoulders of giants" and "standing on one's principles" which impart a sense of tallness that one can carry throughout the day and even works when you are homeless and don't have a bed.
FAQ 57: What, exactly, is the relation between Spongebob_Scopatz and his slightly more popular namesake (who in Mexico is known as Bob Esponja)?
A: Bob is rather aloofa toward his more famoso namesake.
FAQ 58: Is Begging the Question a brilliant Bob innovation or a tired re-hash of a centuries-old parlor game?
A: As much as Bob would like to take credit for every good thing in the Universe (or at least on Hatrack), it is important to note that ae came up with "Begging the Question." Bob believes that ae was probably "in the Bob zone" when this burst of inventiveness occurred, but still, he likes to give credit where credit is due.
On a more serious note, the idea that anything on the Internet could be a rip off of something centuries old just doesn't make sense and Bob is shocked to see you even bring it up.
FAQ 59: Will the number of FAQ entries ever exceed Bob's post count?
A: Probably not. This thread is already getting old and tiresome to most of the rest of Hatrack. Only a few stalwarts are keeping it alive. The only thing that would help now is if OSC came in and posted.
FAQ 60: Should the number of FAQ entries ever exceed that of Bob's post count, would this have any implications regarding the omnibobness of Bob?
A: It would merely strengthen the case. Omnibobness (which is really just one manifestation of the essence of Bobness) cannot be taken away or diluted. It simply is. And wherever you look for it, there it is.
It's like air, only less visible and somewhat toxic if inhaled too deeply. Try not to have too much Bobness all at once because you can get lightheaded and you'll wake up with a really bad hangover. Plus a tattoo.
FAQ 61: Why exactly should we get off Bob's lawn?
A: Because I just fertilized it, and I used the real thing too, not some processed chemical equivalent of manure.
Oh yeah, and I've purchased one of those sprinklers with a sensor so they come on whenever someone tries to walk on the lawn.
Alternate answer: No reason. No reason at all. In fact, come closer. Closer...
Bwah ha ha ha hahahahahahahaha
FAQ 62: What is Bob's favorite OSC book?
A: Bob's sentimental favorite is Ender's Game, but his all time favorite is Ender's Shadow which is amazing for showing off what a great author Card is and bringing a whole new perspective to a beloved story.
FAQ 63: What is Bob's favorite fiction book by an author other than OSC?
A: Tough one!!! I'd have to say Les Miserables. I never knew Victor Hugo was such a great author having only read his Hunchback of Notre Dame. I've since picked up several of Hugo's books and am always on the lookout for more. But for shear mind crunchy goodness, I have to say Les Miserables is the top.
Now, I also want to acknowledge being a big fan of some other authors of speculative fiction (Philip Jose Farmer, Asimov, Larry Niven, Harry Harrison, S.R. Donaldson, Douglas Adams, etc.). And I'm very fond of many English lit titles (Far from the Madding Crowd, just about anything from Dickens, the Horatio Horblower series, etc.)
And I think Mark Twain is still unsurpassed for giving us both humor and insight.
FAQ 64:What is Bob's favorite non-fiction book?
A: I've read some excellent biographies of Lincoln, as well as really enjoyed US Grant's memoirs. I'd also have to put in a vote for Stephen Jay Gould's The Mismeasure of Man and the Cartoon Guide to Statistics (although some may argue that statistics are fiction.
But the all time top spots for me would go to The True Believer and The Structure of Scientific Revolutions which are the only works of a philosophical nature that I have ever understood the first time through.
A sentimental favorite is Vincent Detier's [/i]To Know a Fly[/i] about his work in the lab. Good stuff.
FAQ 65: Does Bob know about the Bob-fanclubs, the Dallas Bob-shrine, and the patented Bob-Joke-o-matic?
A: From the perspective that we are all Bob in some small way, the fact that you (and I assume others) know about these things means that Bob knows about them. However, there's always room for more knowledge, so perhaps a pilgrimage is in order. For EVERYONE!
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posted
Does Bob realize that when he mentioned that his dissertation disks were leaking electrons and magnetism to the ether, he was refering to a now discredited, even antiquated, theory, these people notwithstanding??
BTW, Bob's description of himself sound similar to me, if I may flatter myself.
posted
FAQ 66: Does Bob realize that when he mentioned that his dissertation disks were leaking electrons and magnetism to the ether, he was refering to a now discredited, even antiquated, theory, these people notwithstanding??
A: I would just like to point out that R.N. Boyd is a Bob as well. Therefore his science is of the highest calibre and should be believed by everyone.
Britney Spears lacks a certain level of Bobness, although we have a plan to correct this deficiency.
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posted
Why doesn't Bob answer my question? Does he have something to hide, or just waiting for his hit squad to reach me and extract my password to delete the post?
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posted
FAQ 70: Who is Bob's favorite Hatrack Wench (or, alternately, Bob's favorite member of the Slash hoochie stable)?
A: Hey, no using the Bob FAQ to promote your own threads, factions and Hatrack cliques!!!
Actually, Bob's favorite Hatrack Wench is whichever one is giving him the most attention at the moment. He does admit to a certain enduring fondness for Fael, however, because of her long-standing support for his brand of chain mesh undergarments.
FAQ 71: What is Bob's favorite type of cookie?
A: Bob makes his own shortbread chocolate chip pecan cookie that is to die for. In fact, one should only eat this in the presence of a trained paramedic.
FAQ 72: Is Bob jealous of Slash's stable?
A: Who isn't?
FAQ 73: Does Bob have his own stable, and who's in it?
A: Bob uses his stable to store imaginery classic cars and vintage video games such as PONG and ASTEROIDS. Last time he checked, there was nobody in the stable, although a goat is said to have wandered in just after the census was completed.
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posted
Slash's stable is nothing to be jealous of - it's like being jealous of your neighbor's pet cougar. Fun to watch, but you wouldn't want one of your own.
Bob, why did you go into psychology? And...
Bob Newhart was an accountant before he was Bob Newhart. Hollywood is always looking for writers. Any plans? If not, can we plant some?
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posted
Speaking of Bob Newhart(it is really weird that you mentioned him, Katharina, because I was thinking about this on the beach in Maine):
Does Bob Scopatz have a drinking game invented in his honor, as Bob Newhart did?(Rules: Watch the old bob Newhart Show. Drink when they say the name Bob.)
Also, if there IS an anti-Bob, wouldn't it be spelled "boB?"
Liz
[ July 07, 2003, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
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posted
FAQ 74: Bob, why did you go into psychology?
A: When I got into undergrad, I was fishing around for a major that would be pre-med and wouldn't require me to take the normal core courses in English (because I hated being told what to read and "what it meant") and Philosophy (which I have a very difficult time understanding and thus caring about). I found this major named "Psychobiology" and a program called "Thematic Option" which were perfect for me. It turned out to be more than I bargained for because:
a) I really enjoyed research. I worked in an Experimental Psych lab and decided that was more interesting than medicine, and a lot less deadly if I made mistakes.
b) I ended up with 2 electives throughout my entire undergraduate career. And tell me that doesn't suck!
But still, it was a great experience and I look back on it with the sort of fondness usually reserved for ones first pet or a spinster aunt who feeds you a lot.
When I was accepted to Columbia University's doctoral program in Experimental Psych, it really was a dream come true. I expected I would end up on a faculty somewhere filling young minds with all sorts of useful knowledge about the brain, the mind and everything in between.
But I graduated in an era when jobs were becoming scarce and schools were curtailing their "animal" programs because of costs as well as various attacks on labs by the PETA people and their ilk. So, career options were looking bleak. That and I didn't like the idea of having to do a "post-doc" which pays about $18,000 and is worse than being a grad student.
So, I entered the workforce and have really loved every minute of that too.
It's been fun all along and I can't complain.
FAQ 75: Bob Newhart was an accountant before he was Bob Newhart. Hollywood is always looking for writers. Any plans? If not, can we plant some?
A: I have all sorts of dreams and no sorts of plans. If you have any plans to share, that'd be nice. If you have encouragement, that's nice too, but it presupposes that I'd know what to do with it. I figure there's probably some sort of way to "break into" the writing business, but I don't know what it is. I could publish stuff now with my aunt (she has one of those "home brew" publishing companies) but the whole thought of being self-published seems sort of cheesy and not like it's the real thing.
Who knows? I'm pretty busy these days with work that's paying the bills. Maybe someday someone will walk up to me and say "Bob, I read your silly comments on the web. Wanna come and write for us? Oh, and by the way, here's a hefty advance so you don't have to work on anything else in the meantime." I'll let you know if that happens.
My other dream involves OSC responding to my thread with an invitation to write something for a new publishing company he's starting.
And then inviting me to his house.
And then he calls the cops and presses charges because the whole thing was a ruse to get me behind bars for stalking him.
FAQ 76: Does Bob Scopatz have a drinking game invented in his honor, as Bob Newhart did?(Rules: Watch the old bob Newhart Show. Drink when they say the name Bob.)
A: Bob has a drinking game. Basically, it involves throwing the contestant (herein after known as "victim") into a vat of Godiva liquor. The object is for the victim to drink his way out.
FAQ 77: If there IS an anti-Bob, wouldn't it be spelled "boB?"
A: Probably. But viewed from above or below it might look like this ---.
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posted
Bob, you're hilarious, insightful, witty, and prolific. You're desperately needed in show business. Seriously, you're hysterical.
I'm thinking that you'd like better working for someone being funny than creating a funny machine on your own, though. Hmmm...
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Thanks kat. I really need someone who will make it their life's mission to ensure my success as a writer. If only that person would contact me and get things going, I know I could make it.
posted
FAQ 78: If a Bob met the Bob coming out of the ice cream parlor, what must a Bob do?
A: Let me get this straight, THE Bob is coming OUT of an ice cream parlor? Why? Was it closing? Did they run out of his favorite flavor? Was it time for supper at his aunt's?
It's hard to say what the right response would be for ALL circumstances, but a general rule of thumb would be to simply invite THE Bob back into the ice cream parlor for a quick hot fudge sundae.
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quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FAQ 5: Is Bob really that funny in person?
A: No. Bob is really a team of writers replying under this one Hatrack log in. The real Bob is sort of soft-spoken and when he tries to be funny in real life, it often comes off as sarcasm. This has cost him many friendships, but he can’t seem to stop it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll have to disagree with that. The answer to FAQ 5 is, in fact, Yes.
Yes, and he is even worse when punning in combination with my husband.
posted
Is it true you've been secretly sneaking up and consuming other, lesser, Bobs as a way of increasing your general bobitude?
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posted
1.Bob, other than Bob Dylan, what artists do you think were "key" during the '60's and early 70's?
2. Have you ever heard of Nick Drake, and if so, how many songs in a row can you listen to without severe depression kicking in?
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if the Bob were invited back into the parlor for a hot fudge sundae would he indulge in his ice cream personality profiles?
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(Nick Drake depresses you? He only depresses me because he died so young. Same with Jeff Buckley.)
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FAQ 79: Do people actually read posts that are longer than 5 lines?
A: Sometimes. I know that Bob often reads his own long posts, but not those of other people. Except when he wants to laugh at their verbosity and tendency to be long-winded, repetitive or redundant.
It is a scientifically made up fact that long posts are like long meetings. They serve mainly to reinforce the belief that the entity is still alive. It's like whistling in the dark (which is a very good tune by They Might Be Giants) -- you do it to convince yourself of something.
Bob has generated some incredibly long posts simply to prove that his keyboard is still connected. Other times, he has posted briefly just to see if anyone would pay more attention to him that way.
Sadly, nothing works, so round about the mid-last third of any long post, Bob inserts the key to immortality, or instructions on how to win Radio station giveaways. <eat more chicken> <be the 9th caller> The clever people will read this information and have a life changing experience because of it.
Other people will just nod sagely and pretend that they read it and understood.
FAQ 80: Why do you have love clutter?
A: Because love is messy.
FAQ 81: Is it true you've been secretly sneaking up and consuming other, lesser, Bobs as a way of increasing your general bobitude?
A: It just doesn't work that way. We may assimilate a Bob or two, here or there, when there's no other choice. But generally, we just meld together on a higher plane of existence. Having Lavalamp around really helps in that regard.
But, you should all realize that you too can increase your bobitude. It's there for the taking. Just be the Bob and all else will fall into place.
FAQ 82: Bob, other than Bob Dylan, what artists do you think were "key" during the '60's and early 70's?
A: The Who Janis Joplin Rolling Stones Simon & Garfunkle, then later just Paul Simon Joni Mitchell Lou Reed & The Velvet Underground (but no NICO) Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Neil Young John Lennon George Harrison Arlo Guthrie Eric Clapton Pink Floyd Creedence The Doors
FAQ 83: Have you ever heard of Nick Drake, and if so, how many songs in a row can you listen to without severe depression kicking in?
A: Funny I just heard of Nick Drake. Just this minute.
As far as songs leading to depression, it would depend entirely on whose songs they are. And whether I was "between pills" at the moment.
FAQ 84: if the Bob were invited back into the parlor for a hot fudge sundae would he indulge in his ice cream personality profiles?
A: If you mean would I sit there eating ice cream with you and give you a "reading?" -- sure, what the heck. As long as the ice cream holds out, I'm good to go.
If you mean should you "bump" the ice cream personality profile thread, the answer is you should do whatever the Bob in you motivates you to do. But don't expect any new profiles as I'm not done writing the story yet. And that's the deal.
FAQ 85: Nick Drake depresses you? He only depresses me because he died so young. Same with Jeff Buckley.
A: You and Jeff Buckley need to get over this fixation on Nick Drake's death.
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posted
My "little bit of bob" is saying that it doesn't care much for icecream but likes cake instead. Should I have it lanced?
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Does Bob disapprove of the relationship between Posable_Man and Posable_Girl? Are you keeping the two wood-grain crossed lovers apart intentionally, or did they come to a mutual decision?
posted
FAQ 86: My "little bit of bob" is saying that it doesn't care much for icecream but likes cake instead. Should I have it lanced?
A: You can lance it if you want to, but I prefer to eat my cake with a fork. Give it a try. You'll find that you can get a lot more of it in your mouth that way.
FAQ 87: Does Bob disapprove of the relationship between Posable_Man and Posable_Girl? Are you keeping the two wood-grain crossed lovers apart intentionally, or did they come to a mutual decision?
A: Bob is not Posable_Man's keeper. I thought he and Posable_Girl really had something going there, but then this new job came along and Posable_Man is so busy holding up the world that I guess they just had to put their love on hold. There are more important things, I guess.
FAQ 88: And
quote: Viaduct? Vy not a chicken?
is actually
Viaduct? Vy-a no chicken?
A: Bob has been watching Cocoanuts longer than SOME people on this board have been alive. Bob assures you that you are mistaken and, as your punishment, you are hereby sentenced to watch the movie again. If you can prove that you are correct, however, then Bob will take this same punishment upon himself.
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posted
When bob tells a story, makes a comment, or writes something that you don't fully grasp, should you snub the bob, rob the bob, or hob-nob with the bob?
Are there any real rules of etiquette regarding bob?
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posted
FAQ 88: When bob tells a story, makes a comment, or writes something that you don't fully grasp, should you snub the bob, rob the bob, or hob-nob with the bob?
A: Would it be asking too much for you to just feed the Bob and pay attention to him? It's all he really wants anyway.
FAQ 89: Are there any real rules of etiquette regarding bob?
A: There is only one rule, and that is that if you need to ask the rules, you've already lost the game. Look into yourself. Do what your Bob tells you to do (recalling various caveats expressed in previous FAQs) and don't question things so much.
Alternate answer: Here are some rules: - Don't pick your nose
- Don't pick Bob's nose, unless you're at the plastic surgeon's office and you're looking at possible new nose styles. In which case, pick Bob's chin while you are at it.
- When faced with a choice between style and substance, choose at random which of the two to pursue.
- Secretly cling to the childish belief that you really are the center of the Universe afterall.
- Enter every situation knowing where the exits are and who you'll pin the blame on if things go sour.
- Always have a good fake limp and a couple of good fake accents to use for dramatic effect.
- Never read the instruction manual until after you've assembled the product.
- Seek the truth so you know just where it is in case you need to hide from it.
- Keep your pinkie erect when sipping ice tea.
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posted
*puts the pieces away, folds up the bob-game box and childishly clings to it before being hauled off to bed*
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HAMMER (pause) Well, we'll Passover that. You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
CHICO Why a duck?
HAMMER I'm all right, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
CHICO All right, why a duck?
HAMMER I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.
CHICO All right! Why a duck? It's what... why a duck? Why a no chicken?
HAMMER Well, I don't know why a no chicken -- I'm a stranger here myself.
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