I guess I'm supposed to let you all know about me, kinda be my own "Speaker for the Dead"? I hope I'm not messing the tradition up here. Apologies in advance if I am.
Summary: I am stubborn, clumsy (in more than the physical respect), and prideful. Like Apollo 13, my life is a successful failure, with a series of crises preventing me from achieving my goals, but I feel like I have acquitted myself about as well as I could under the circumstances (many self-imposed).
This may come off as self-abasing. I am merely trying to be honest. I walk with my head up, because I have faced every situation, every mistake, and come through to move forward and improve myself. I am pleased with how I have performed. The outcomes have been and will be what they are. I have played, I feel, an admirable hand with a stacked deck.
************Warning: TOO MUCH INFORMATION*****************
Some dominant episodes in my life:
My earliest memory is of watching the Thunderbirds fly an air show at Miramar NAS in California (where "Top Gun" was). I spent the next 22 years of my life trying to become a pilot for the Air Force. This ended when I was thrown out of the Air Force Academy my second semester senior year for telling one lie to someone who had told me many and abused his power over me to try to run me out of the service. My only regret is his success. I met the best friend I have ever had, there. I still remain very interested in both flight and warfare and am a fairly good armchair quarterback/analyst about those things. I still consider myself to be a peripheral part of the military community and attended the 10 year reunion for the USAFA class of 1992, despite not having actually graduated.
I was raised Catholic. During High School I drifted into a feel-good new-agey "all religions are correct" idea, which was shattered by C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. After some time and study, I returned fully to the faith of my upbringing, this time as an adult making a conscious decision. I have individual situational differences with my church's teachings, but I pretty much hold them to be the wisest, broadest collection of ideas out there as far as worldviews go. I could talk about this for ages, but I won't bore you with Angels dancing on pinheads. Read G. K. Chesterton if you want details. He says it better than I could anyhow.
I was sexually assaulted or molested by neighborhood teens on 3 separate occasions by the time I was 6. Because the first was a physical assault, my parents moved away from the area. Because the second was me simply doing as I was asked because I didn't know any better (it just seemed like a new game at the time), my parents spanked me. Because they did, the third went unreported. I am fairly certain that this sequence has contributed to what is a very twisted and intense sexual appetite. A lot of my life consists of trying to decide how to deal with myself and the conflicts between this and my faith. I am reaching a point of resolution though, where I have found a way to reconcile them that is working for me. Interestingly, I have an unrelated tendency, when I am thinking about other things, to let my gaze wander. It inevitibaly lingers on something I find pleasing to look at and this often ends up being a woman's body. I am not staring in a lascivious manner when this happens, but I have to work hard not to do this, because it always comes off that way.
I met and married a lovely, wonderfully organized young woman with the patience of *almost* a saint. There is little doubt in the minds of anyone who knows us that I drive her crazy and that there are many things about me that she finds deplorable. She loathes me, certainly, but somehow, in spite of all that, manages to love me very much and very well. She has put up with a lot of nonsense from me that she didn't bargain for and, while I have tried my best to love her (and done better than many men, from the stories I hear) I honestly think she regrets marrying me. I have done well enough, however, that she feels better off with me than without me, now. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I can honestly say that I have done everything I possibly can to make up for my mistakes and transgressions and will do all I can to honor my commitment in marriage to be her servant to whatever extent she will allow me. My guiding principle has been the verse in Ephesians where in Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is of the church. Many think this verse chauvinist, but the verse explains what it means to be a leader: "give yourselves up for her as Christ gave himself [on the cross]."
I have four amazing and unique children, each their father's child in a very different way. Christian (8) is simply me all over again. Katherine (6) has my imagination and love of fantasy. Elizabeth (3) has my desire for fun and never ending, serious quest for joy. Robby (1), has my introverted, inquisitive side, preferring to mostly sit back and analyze things, but also like me, throws himself head first into any action he does take. I cannot imagine something bad happening to any of them. They are the love of my life and more precious to me than my own blood. I was actively involved in each birth, delivering the last under the supervision of a midwife.
I write songs and play bass guitar, most successfully in a band called "The Touch". You can hear some of our stuff (and purchase our CDs)at mp3.com. NeitherCD sold more than 200 copies, but we won a local battle of the bands against some pretty stiff competition. We broke up about a year ago and the lead singer is likely to succumb to cancer within the next few months.
A few years ago, I ran into a great fighter, teacher, and man named David Simons who has taken me on as a student of Kung Fu San Soo (idiomatic translation "professional free-fighting"). As mentioned in another thread, I will soon be a black belt. The art is wonderful in it's beautiful, powerful body mechanics and brutally vicious efficiency. I have turned my body into a weapon and developed something approximating grace, despite the fact that I still move like a hippo on acid at times. It is a testimony to both my perserverance and my teacher's patience that I have developed into one of his senior fighters. Having seen a variety of martial practitioners, now, I am convinced that being one of his best means being one of *the* best. Again, I could go on into technical details for ages, but I will spare you again, this time, because, in all honesty, it would be bragging.
So that's me in a nutshell. I fancy myself a warrior poet in the tradition of Mel Gibson's portrayal of William Wallace. To many, I am sure, I am little more than a pathetic, overweight wannabe who has had chances to do real things: fly jets, be a rock star, etc., but who has been too incompetent to accomplish anything. To others, I may be a tragic figure, hampered by "not knowing then what I know now" so many times that it's a wonder I haven't learned anything. I do know that to some, I am a fool, running headfirst into brick walls for their entertainment. They tolerate my presence to have a butt for their jokes and a scapegoat for their pains... or for Jerry Springer "at least I'm not like THAT" reassurance.
Regardless, I think it can be safely said that I am a survivor, exemplary of the all-too-true phrase "that which does not kill me only makes me stronger."
[ July 07, 2003, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: T. Analog Kid ]
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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posted
Thanks again for all the nice comments. It's kinda fun starting a thread in which you can be entirely self-centered and narcissistic(sp?).
I don't know what it is, and I certainly tend to overdo it, but it always makes me feel better to let others know where I'm coming from... my history and background, etc. It's important to me for reasons I can't explain and don't really understand.
I guess that's just a fancy way of saying "I like talking about myself." Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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posted
I love landmark post threads. And I think 1000 is timed just about right – it means the poster has been around long enough and posted enough that we’re starting to get to know him/her and wanting to know more.
Which is really just to say, TAK, thank you for being willing to share your story. Congratulations on becoming the person you are and good luck in your future, on Hatrack and off. Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
That sounds like a full life so far, to make an understatement.
And wow, you've been registered since 1999 and have only posted 1000 up to now? I thought I was making slow posting progress.
Posts: 1004 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Thanks for sharing this, T. I'm glad that you think highly enough of Hatrack to do so, and I'm honored to be among the recipients.
Posts: 6213 | Registered: May 2001
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quote:Am I the only one who wants to know more about this air force academy thing?
It's an institution in the Rocky Mountains designed to produce career Air Force officers, but that's not important right now...
I'm guessing you mean how I got thrown out?
It's an incredibly long story. Shortest reasonable version I can come up with: a female cadet and I fell asleep watching movies in my room one weekend. It is a violation of academy regulations to have a member of the opposite sex in your room after Taps. She was signed out on a pass, so she was not missed at her squadron. Several people saw what had happened, but one of them decided to tell the Major in charge of my cadet squadron, who had a history of being, shall we say, less-than-fair to me.
Her AOC (air officer, commanding) gave her 5 demerits, 2 tours (a tour is an hour of marching, in uniform, with a rifle, no restriction). Mine (the aforementioned major) gave me 40 demerits, 60 tours, and 6 months restriction, put me on conduct probation, and, using that probationary status, impounded my car. Her AOC then bumped her hit up to 20 demerits and tours to make it a little less ugly looking.
I did my time, was a model cadet. The 6 months passed... then 7. The probation was never lifted. I sent up several forms requesting my status be cleared, they were all denied, with varying excuses, all of which were false and/or illegitmate. Most of them centered around the "need" to convene a squadron review board, which was, in fact not necessary. I never pushed this to his superior. If I could undo any one thing from my past, that is it.
When the fourth form was rejected, my element leader said, "just take the stupid car, no one will know." I did.
Of course, he checked the parking slot that night.
Having stone cold busted me, he brought me to his office and made me make a statement about the odometer reading. I gave my best guess, at his request. He took my keys from me, this time.
Then, almost immediately, he released the car from impound and accused me of lying about the odometer reading. I panicked, went down to my car and attempted to make appear as if it had been broken into. This is the other thing I would undo if I could. A few hours later, I called him and admitted that I had done this.
In the case of the odometer, I was found guilty of lying by a unanimous decision. In the other, of course, I had already effectively plead guilty. I fought to stay enrolled and got some strong endorsement letters, but they waved a nice treat in my face. I was told, if I'd resign in lieu of disenrollement, they'd rate me a "5" on my disenrollemnt form, which would allow me to obtain a comission through ROTC or OCS. I accepted the offer and resigned effective 18 Jan 92. My AOC rated me a "3"-- commision only in time of dire need-- as a final kick while I was down.
My out processing was uneventful. My commitment to repay the government was served as an airman running the Rec Center at Sheppard AFB, Tx. Thus ended my Air Force career, and, pretty much all my attempts at civil service, police, fire, FBI, enlisting in the Army or Navy reserves, whatever, have all met the same resistance: the word "LIAR" branded across my history. 11 years later, I still have dreams that I am back, finishing my stint there.
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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You know, in light of the recent allegations of uninvestigated rape at that institution, I find it just appalling that you were singled out like this. Do you have any idea why the guy took such a dislike to you?
Anyway, thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us.
You've been around for a long time, but I think you've definitely increased your posting over the last few months. I'm glad, because you are definitely one of the bright spots around here. If I recall correctly, I believe at times we have specifically disagreed, and at other times, specifically agreed, and you have always responded to me courteously, and with well thought-out elaborations. I know I find myself reading just a little bit more carefully when I see your name by a post; I think you are quickly becoming a very important part of Hatrack.
I'm glad you're here; thank you for having the courage to share your life with us. I hope your experiences provide valuable insight and encouragement to others reading this thread. I too am a survivor, and I too see myself as self-destructive, at times, but I believe you are much too harsh on yourself. We can't change the past, but you seem like the sort of person who learns from it. That's all that wisdom is.
I haven't ever been able to find what it was. The guy was a hyperfundie Christian and took every opportunity to say so, and none of the people he went after were traditional protestants (most "casualties" were Catholic, a couple of Mormons, and a Christian Scientist), but that's the only thing resembling a pattern that I can see. Obviously, I am pretty bitter about my treatment.
As for the current scandal, I don't know a single female who claimed to be raped, but the instances seem to have started several years after I left, so I guess that doesn't really say much.
I have to say I'm really overwhelmed and amazed by the positive response here... I feel very welcomed <warm fuzzies all over> (((Hatrack)))
[ July 08, 2003, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: T. Analog Kid ]
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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