I told myself that if I hit 1,000 posts before May (my second hatrackiversary), I would post a landmark post. I conserved posts for a while (sorry everyone) out of Landmark Post Fear, but I finally gave in. This is what I wrote tonight out of sheer desperation:
I Know Who I Am
I have always known who I was.
From the beginning, my parents told me I was wonderful, funny and talented. And so I was. (When you are young and nurtured, you can never believe that your parents would lie) I was a happy kid who believed I could do anything I wanted to do. And so I could. I wrote country western songs, put on plays, sold handmade books out of my red wagon. I read books about Native Americans, and made pemmican in the oven. I read a book about herbs, and made shampoo. I read a book about archaeology, and excavated the backyard. I had a lot of ideas, and the energy to try them out.
Then puberty hit.
(DUN dun DUUUUUUUN!)
I was still loved, I still had ideas, but now I had hormones, and that messed things up for a bit. For a year I was very very hard to live with. Still, during this time, I knew exactly who I was. I was wonderful, funny, talented, and dead sexy. I read a book about sexuality, and knew that the largest human sexual organ was the brain. Since I already knew I had a good brain, the rest was easy. This was perhaps, not the best direction for my thoughts to go in. Luckily, my self-esteem was so high from a charmed childhood; I got into very little trouble with sex. I still made mistakes, but I protected myself (physically and emotionally). I had angst, I had hubris, I had all of the fancy words associated with teenagers; but my short attention span and generally happy mood made these spells bearable for my parents. Well, that’s what they say now, anyway. The whole episode is kind of a hormonally hazy time in my memory.
Time passes, and I know now that I am a writer. I have been told this since I was a child, selling books out of my wagon for a quarter, and so it must be true. I begin college with this thought firmly in mind: I will be a writer, I will live in NYC, and I will own cats. I will not get married, and I will not have children. I have no desire for this, never planned Barbie weddings, or babysat, or had any desire to mother. I nurture my friends, and my fictional persons, and that is enough for me.
And then I met That Man.
He changed who I thought I was. He shook me inside out.
I tried to deny the change, I told him we were Friends With Benefits, I introduced him as “My ex-boyfriend’s best friend” (another long and boring story). And on the night of his boss’s retirement party, I proposed to That Man.
I knew who I was then, and I know who I am now.
I am a writer.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
And I can change my mind about it whenever I want to.
Posts: 1545 | Registered: May 2002
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are you sure? That last bit seemed a bit contrived, like the unquestioning resolve against questions you cited as the source of difficulties (minor, and well-handled, apparently) you encountered before.
I married my ex-girlfriends best friend. That's a long story too.
The secret between a successful life and a ruined one may be in your landmark. You always know who you are, but admit never being sure of who you will be. I've known people who were positive of who they would be, and worked so hard to be that person, that they never got a chance to enjoy being who they are.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I was just ribbing. Still... I must say... if not contrived, then maybe a little too tidy to resonate with the truth.
I've found that the more frequently you change yourself the easier it is to know yourself. Or, to put it another way, if you change fast enough, you don't really have to know yourself at all. Honeymoon in perpetuity. Self-love in the fast lane. Sorta side-step the issue, altogether.
<- fallow's spontaneous rough-draft of a landfill post <-self-labeling to fit within the strictures of interpretability
quote:And I can change my mind about it whenever I want to.
Thanks for sharing - I love it! I love all the wild and crazy and exploratory things you did and that you were allowed to do and given the freedom to do and that you still do! Keep being you! Forever! We like it that way!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Well, you seem flexible, and that is a good trait to have. I liked your post because to me it DIDN'T seem contrived, it just seemed to be very accepting of yourself. You didn't go into a lot of detail, particularily about your "troubles" in the teen years, but that is your perogitive.
You did seem very happy and content with your life even though it waas far from what you had imagined. Good for you.