In the dim room Alexander V could see Dr Craig IV's lifeless body through the narrow slit between computer terminals. Relying on the quiet humming of the computers to cloak his hushed breathing he waited, keeping himself as concealed as he could. The spreadeagle scientist's outstretched hands were chalky-white, and his furled brown hair lay in matted heaps hiding his face. It was this demeaning position that Velix had left him in. The tall, rough looking man stood by the body, clad in the traditional garb of ENTITY's military police, the Guardians. There was a crunch and Alexander V could see Velix's foot come down upon something, breaking it. Then, seeming satisfied, Velix made for the door. Glancing back only once, his eyes combed the room briefly, then he turned and disappeared behind the sliding glass.

Waiting a safe amount of time, Alex stepped out warily from behind the consoles. His view unobstructed for the first time, he absorbed the scene around him. Most of the computers and equipment were smashed, the experiment tables were turned over, and various test tubes were scattered around the small octangular room. Alexander V felt a grim satisfaction at having the forethought to hide the implanted embryos the night before.

From his new angle he could see that Craig's side was torn from where the pulsar beam sizzled him. His profusely dripping blood stained the tiles around him. Slowly the murky crimson liquid was making its way toward Alexander. Then his eyes fell upon a purple powder that was scattered close to the body. He thought back to the crunching sound he had heard before. I see Velix found the dud disc. With a wry smile he withdrew the real datagem from his pocket and held it up. The palm-sized crystal shimmered nonchalantly in the direct shine of an observatory light. The project won't die, I can finish it.

Ok the older versions I have kept below, for the sake of comparison.

<<Spreadeagle on the tiled floor was the lifeless body of Dr Craig IV. His scruffy dark hair lay in matted heaps hiding his face, which rested atop the cold ground. His chalky-white hands were outstretched in the demeaning fashion that Velix had left them in. At his side was a small pile of purple powder mixed with rough bits of silicon chips. It was a sorry sight, but would have been much more so if the crushed dust had really been more than a dud disc. With a confident sweeping glance, that detected nothing, Velix's heavy footsteps left the lab leaving only the vibrant hum of the computerized equipment to stay the silence. Warily, a young man slipping out from behind a stationary computer terminal and stealthily strode toward the door. He turned back hesitantly, to absorb the eerie sight one final time. Goodbye Craig. It was a cold but not emotionless thought. The young intern felt himself withdrawing the real datagem from his pocket and raised it to his eyes. The palm-sized crystal shimmered nonchalantly in the direct shine of an observatory light. it seemed odd to him that such a small thing could have such a profound and even deadly impact on the lives that had been around it. I won't let it die. Returning the gem to the safe confines of his pocket, he vanished down the hall in silent swiftness.>>

There of course is more, but I didn't want to post too much. I've already made that mistake once.

ok I edited it based on your comments, let me know if it's better or worse. The original is just below this,

<<Heavy footsteps left the lab leaving only the vibrant hum of the computerized equipment to stay the silence. Spreadeagle on the tiled floor was the lifeless body of Dr Craig IV. His scruffy dark hair lying in matted heaps hid his face which rested atop the ground. His chalky-white hands were outstretched in the demeaning fashion that Velix had left them in. At his side was a small pile of purple powder mixed with rough bits of silicon chips. It was a sorry sight but would have been much more so if the crushed dust had really been more than a dud disc. Slipping out from behind a stationary computer terminal a youthful man stealthily strode toward the door. Turning back hesitantly, to look one final time, the young intern raised the real datagem to his eyes. It shimmered nonchalantly in the direct shine of an observatory light. it seemed odd to him that such a small thing could have such a profound and even deadly impact on the lives that had been around it. Returning it to the safe confines of his pocket he vanished down the hall in silent swiftness.>>

First of all, it had interesting elements, but I bet you can make it even better. For one thing, I'd cut the first sentence. It doesn't tie in again until the end of the paragraph, which means you have to read it twice to understand. But an even better reason to cut it is that a pragraph beginning "The lifeless body of..." will always grab my attention before heavy foosteps.

Second, why don't you try putting the first sentence towards the end of the paragraph, but in a slightly different manner. Slip into the young man's point of view and have him listening in terror as the footsteps fade away. He just saw a man killed, after all, make us feel it!

quote:

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Something else though I must admit I am intentionally trying to limit the feel from his POV. He isn't the main character, and in fact will be a protagonist turned antagonist.

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I wouldn’t necessarily limit reader exposure just because he isn’t the main character and will later become the antagonist. Getting to know the character better through his emotional responses may actually make that transition more powerful. And withholding information that the POV character knows violates the POV and will annoy the reader.

Comments refer to the edited version:

"which rested atop the cold ground" is redundant – you’ve already said he was on the floor. Say the tile’s cold the first time, and you’ll tighten things up without losing your description.

"With a confident sweeping glance, that detected nothing, Velix's heavy footsteps left the lab leaving only the vibrant hum of the computerized equipment to stay the silence." -- Footsteps don’t make sweeping glances. I see what you are trying to say, but as written, this whole sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense. Nor does it’s placement within the paragraph.

"intern felt himself withdrawing" – awkward phrasing.

On the other hand, you do have a number of very real problems as well, some of which have been touched on.

First off, there is not a well defined POV here. Unless you intend to write in omnisicent, then I would suggest several specific changes. First, give the intern a name, he's obviously an important enough character to require one anyway, so there is no reason not to use it here. Second, tighten the POV so that the scene is actually from his POV. Don't worry about the reader sympathizing too deeply with him, you've made him unsympathetic because of his somewhat callous attitude towards Craig's death.

For example:

quote:

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Sean [the intern] crouched behind the bank of computers, counting on their incessant humming to hide his ragged breathing. He could hear heavy footsteps crunching across shattered datagems and other delicate scientific equipment, moving towards the center of the room [the presumed location of the body]. A silent pause, then Velix's footsteps moved away...

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A shallow penetration POV can be ideal for a prologue, since it arouses curiosity about things that the main text promises to reveal. But woe unto you should you fail to deliver on the revelation! Also, be careful that the character doesn't behave in a completely inexplicable manner (your intern seems to be acting quite sensibly so far).