posted
I'm working on a short story for the Phobos Fiction Contest and was wondering whether to get some critiques here on it first. I'm not sure of all the acceptable ways of doing things here. I would like to get some reviews and other viewpoints from the people here. I understand the 13 line limit on the board, but just wanted to check on whether it is ok or not.
Posts: 807 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
At the moment it is 10 pages, but not completely finished yet. A little short of 4000 words. I'm hoping to have it in its final rough version by Saturday. Which will leave me a few days to polish it up some.
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited July 25, 2003).]
posted
Ok, here is the first 2 paragraphs which are under 13 lines (at least in the they appear to be from the word processor)
quote: He left the government complex through large automated doors. The heat rising off the concrete pavement hit him like a blast furnace and he started sweating. Not that he could get much more miserable than he was at the moment. The meeting lasted longer than the usual couple hours stretching throughout most of the morning. He could not understand why they insisted he show up personally every week to present his reports. Honestly, it would be much easier if he just sent them. If they really needed his opinion they could always just call.
He pulled out a joint he had rolled earlier and lit it up. A sweet aroma rose up to be blown away by a hot breeze. Why did they insist he show up personally? Not only show up, but they insisted he be sober. A whole morning without getting high put in him the worst of moods.
This is set in the future where the world is in very sad shape.
And it is written by me Tim Hayes.
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited July 25, 2003).]
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited July 25, 2003).]
This isn't much, but an opening paragraph isn't a good place to confuse the reader that way. Also, the opening paragraph isn't a good place to not identify the POV character by name. I know I've said it before, but don't think that I won't say it again.
posted
Actually the POV character doesn't have a name at all. There is a actuall reason for it. Realisticly, there is not actuall names yet in the story. Now there are lables for certain groups, and places, but not for people.
I had concidered first person but decided on third person limited. Very close third person so it is right next to him.
I do agree with the "had" though.
Thanks
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited July 25, 2003).]
posted
Doesn't matter whether you've decided on a name yet. Give him a provisional name and use it to identify him early on in the POV segment.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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