posted
I am looking for help with a story I am working on. I already have a friend that will do the final spelling and punctuation type proofing. But she will not give me any advice about the story structure or story telling parts of it.
I am too far from most the writers groups that I have contacted. I have a reading disability that makes it very difficult to keep up with automated online systems (such as Critters.org).
Anyway, I will post the first paragraph of my story, which I think falls within the line limit. First time I have tried this so here it goes.
***** “Ten minutes to ignition,” the newscaster’s voice announced. Ignition was hardly the right word for it, Andrew thought to himself. Unlike all previous space mission launches there would be absolutely nothing visible. No spectacular flame, no rocket blast of exhaust, not even the special effects glow of spaceships in the movies. The GrayStar would simply start gently moving out of Earth orbit at the sluggish acceleration of one tenth of a gee, a mere one meter per second increase in velocity each second. But, old expectations die hard, he consoled himself; people were used to the past decades of fiery rocket launches and this was the first use of a radically new form of propulsion. *****
If anyone wants to help me with this story I would appreciate it. Again, I am not looking for typo type proof reading as much as can the reader tell what is happening in the story from the words and does it seem worth while enough for me to keep working on.
posted
Ten minutes is an awfully long time, particularly if Andrew is going to spend the entire time knawing this particular bone
If the newscaster should have used some other term--like "initiation" or "primary acceleration"--then have Andrew start with that thought. 'We told them at least a hundred times in as many news conferences about the GrayStar that it wouldn't "ignite", it would "initialize"!'
I can read more and provide more of the above, if you like
posted
How long is it? If its only a couple of thousand words I'll probably have time to fit reading it in. My e-mail address is in my profile if you want to send the lot...
Posts: 626 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I'd be willing to read it over. (However, if you need feedback before Thursday's Phobos deadline, I probably won't have the time unless it's under 2000 words.)
If you still want to send it to me, send it to eric_j_stone at yahoo.com. Be sure to put "Gray Star" in the subject line so I don't think it's spam.
posted
Thanks for the feedback. Before I take anyone up on offers to review it I should really state how involved the story is. I have an outline, that I came up with about 6 years ago, that spans several decades of time. I have written portions of the outline into roughly drafted chapters. (So far I have 7) There are gaps that I still need to fill in and large portions of the outline that do on even have rough drafts written yet. It could easily turn into a long novel or even a series of novels.
Now I am in a situation where I moved back home to take care of my elderly mother. I am not supposed to leave her home alone. This interferes with me working full time (the rural area here also has a very depressed economy) Anyway, I thought I would take the time that I have to stay close by her and try to resume one of several writing projects. (This is one of three that I have a significant start on a first draft and I am not sure which would be best to spend my time on. What I would really love is for some people to read enough of each project and tell me which seems most worth working on.)
posted
It's my humble opinion that your story may be too technical. Excuse the fact that I am presuming your story follows the patterns in place by this excerpt, also that introducing technical theory is not your aim. I am assuming both of those things.
Specifically I am referring to your commentary on the "G" and the explanation of it. The terminology is fine but I felt as a reader that the exact explanation could have been omitted because the audience who is interested in it probably already know that, conversely the audience who doesn't care about the specific meaning of the specific detail, myself for example, would dismiss it while reading without seeking an explanation. At least not an immediate one.
I only say this because I have some friends who write Science-Fiction and have bored several readers away from a great story by interrupting the pace and flow of the story by straying frequently from the plot to explain technical details.
I'm sure there is an audience which prefers that, and if that's who you are writing to I apologize. However if you are writing to a general audience I would suggest looking over your story and checking the flow.
Of course as I said before, this is only my opinion.
On another note I like the way you expressed the character's thought. I see this done in several ways commonly as you have doen, and with italics. In my own story I was trying the italicized method but it didn't seem to have the effect I was hoping for, reading your excerpt reminded me of an alternative method which I intend to try out. Thank you.
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