Ildar felt tired. Not in the fashion that he had experienced during his magical explorations, which spread through his limbs, no, he was tired of travelling. De adventures, the desperation that kept popping up, no matter how hard he tried to push them away and no matter how much diversion he had. He didn’t want to travel anymore, not go through adventures, not trying to unravel strange riddles.
And yet, he was here, walking through the rain that poured over them for so long a time. Wet, cold to the bone. He shivered while he tried to fasten his steps one more time. The silhouette of Baltazar was almost lost in the greyish mist. The tough, stubborn dwarf didn’t let anything stop him, he walked on firmly. Usually, Nyadedeia frolicked in front, the centaur girl that never seemed to run out of energy. But her playfulness seemed disappeared now that she trudged besides Ildar, the shoulder bent down and here hooves scraping the rocky ground, like she couldn’t move one more inch.
The line was closed by Smaragnadan, his endless mocking grin seemed to have washed away by the large amount of water.

From Kathleen:

Sorry to have to cut the above, but we ask that people only post 13 lines of their work here--the equivalent of the first page of a manuscript--in order to keep things short, and to protect your electronic rights.

I really admired the artwork on your website - you have great talent! Yes, Poser and Bryce are astonishing - I gave the first to my husband, and have played around with the second. Cute nephew

As for your writing - are you composing in English, or translating? You might want to start out with a spell check and grammar check. Are you looking for comments solely regarding content, or also regarding English usage? I'd be happy to e-mail comments on the part you posted...

Thanks for the comment, well *blush* apparently it's obvious I'm translating (I'm dutch from origine)

I only am able to translate small parts, my englisch is just too bad for serious and "fast" translating. A small part takes an hour and the translation still sucks.

But I'm just wandering is there are any things to say about my writing in general, although I understand it's a short piece of a long story wich makes it hard to say something usefull.

No need to blush - I just wanted to make sure, not wanting to offend you if English was your native language! You certainly use it well enough. You just have some normal turns of phrase and other things that mark this as a translation... I studied in France, and have studied a few languages, so I am familiar with this! Anyway, you answered the question that you are basically looking for content comments, not help with English, so here goes:

This is what I understand of the story so far. There are four characters traveling, perhaps on a series of mini-quests, adventuring, solving riddles, and magic is involved. They’ve been at it a while, and are tired - this comes across very well. You don’t yet mention why they are doing this, but hopefully do within the first couple of pages. It will help to know why they are doing this, what they get out of it - to understand the point, why they should continue, and perhaps what the threat(s) are that they face. What is at stake?

I’m guessing that Ildar is your main character, race not yet mentioned, but I’m guessing he might be an elf? Nyadedeia is a centaur girl - will the others call her by a nickname? Baltazar is a dwarf, and Smaragnadan might also be but I can’t tell yet (nickname for him?), and he grins but we don’t know why. There is some conflict between them, yet to be revealed. Also, why are they together?

It is fall, and the weather is miserable. Your group needs a break, but you can infer from the writing that they may not get one any time soon. They are outside, but we don’t yet know where. Not sure it would be a blue sky in a storm (I don't want to make too many comments like that, as your word choice may not reflect exactly what you are trying to say in Dutch).

So far, it seems to have the makings of an interesting tale. It is obvious the group is miserable, readers can relate to being wet and cold and tired, but we will need to know more about them to really sympathize, or empathize. As you say, it is just a couple of paragraphs, not enough to really know what is going on. The sentence lengths and structures vary, which is good, and your descriptions help us to visualize the scene. I’m sure it flows more smoothly in Dutch!

Lee