posted
Hello all... I offer up 13 lines from my first story for constructivve criticism. Maybe I can avoid newbie problems. This is the statis of story and I can be flexible this point forward in the development of plot and character (both of which I have done some separate outlines). Comments very welcome....
"The small Japanese temple outside the apartment¡Çs front balcony sealed the deal. The temple had a small copse of tall trees behind and machine pumped pond on the side. All this in the inside Tokyo¡Çs central line, a slice of green, imbedded in the urban-planning disaster of mid-town. The apartment was brand-new, cute and had one bedroom and a tiny kitchen. The next best place was twice as big, thirty minutes further from the office and had a view of a freeway and about twenty-five rooftop air-conditioning units.
The temple sealed it.
The religious group owned and maintained the temple. The temple devotees raked the wheaten gravel, mucked out leaves from the pond and pruned the old tree in the courtyard on a regular basis. They probably fed the fish in the pond too."
posted
I wrote an overlong response and deleted it (by accident).
Basically, there is not enough story here for me to say anything other than introduce the POV character as soon as possible. I don't know anything but the most bland and guessible details about this person so far. I know that said person needs to live somewhere, finds greenspace aesthetically preferable to urban concrete and asphalt, and needs to be near an office. None of this is interesting in the least. I would like to know whether this is a Shinto or Buddist temple...but have no confidence that you will reveal this detail, or that it matters to the story.
Start your story with an identifiable character, and something that intrigues the reader.
On the other hand, you have clear and literate prose, which you should retain, as that is a very important consideration for avid readers (the kind that actually read books).
posted
Thank you Survivor. I progress with more temple, cemetery, neighborhood description and the name / gender of the main character name by page 3. I do try to weave more detail about character mindset throughout.
You are right; Shinto or Buddhist is an interesting detail. Shinto vs. Buddhism isn't important in the plot development so far but it is a good point. Perhaps I can insert that tidbit at some point.
I haven't actually written much lately because of plot redrafts. The original plot / characters didn't tie together and character motivations didn't seem believable. The jump off from the introduction to the intriguing hook is next on my task list!
posted
Page 3 can be a bit late to introduce gender. I personally find it very disconcerting to realize the character is one gender when from the beginning I somehow assumed the character was the opposite gender. I actually put a novel down because of this.
quote: The jump off from the introduction to the intriguing hook is next on my task list!
Maybe I’m not reading this right (story in the form introduction, then hook), but usually you have to have some hook before your reader will be too interested in a lot of introduction. "The small Japanese temple outside the apartment's front balcony sealed the deal" was a decent hook for me as a reader (Why is this guy (and here I've assumed guy, right or wrong) interested in the temple?), but I started glossing a bit at the description that followed (although it is nicely put together). I think I likely you would lose me if I had to read three more pages of this before hitting the character.
posted
For catching some common mistakes you might be making, check out The Standard Deviations of Writing at the SFWA site. In particular, view Roger's comments on unnamed characters. This follows on to a discussion of openings that don't integrate into the main dramatic action of the story.
I know this sounds a bit harsh (Roger, that is), but I actually did explain why in your particular case these were concerns. I'll end with my summary of that advice, again:
Start your story with an identifiable character, and something that intrigues the reader.
posted
Good input. I did read Roger's comments on character name introduction & comparatively, my 3 pages to his example of 57 pages seemed pretty good to me!
I have been stuck and unable to get from what I have written so far into the first major event of my plot. I think perhaps your comments are pointing me to reason why I am stuck. The text is too focused on location description and not focused on main character. If I introduce the character sooner and shift more to what character says, does and interacts with others with the descriptive location bits interspersed throughout, this might bypass my problem.
posted
P.S. I'm free to read a couple of pages if you have them (or if you decide that you need to rewrite them first, that's okay).
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Hi Survivor... will take you up on your offer. I am going to try to rewrite the bit I have first. Going sloooowly so don't hold your breath. My average seems to be about 250 words a day at best, less if I have some problem.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2003
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