This is 13 lines ( on my processor ) didn't know it was going to be so long. Sorry guys.
-Bryan
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited June 15, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited June 16, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited June 16, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited June 16, 2004).]

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Toriyn was stalking a deer in the woods not far from his village of Beroth. AS AN OPENING SENTENCE, THIS DOES NOT PACK MUCH PUNCH. PART OF THE PROBLEM IS THE UNNECESSARY "WAS". IT HAS ITS USES, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT USE IS IN THIS SENTENCE. " I almost have you nowCOMMA" he whispered to himself. DELETE "TO HIMSELF" YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED ANYONE ELSE SO THIS CAN BE ASUMED. YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY "UNDER HIS BREATH" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. The deer was impressive, fifteen points on its antlers and fat from grazing in its lush forest home.
Toriyn brought up his bow and aimed carefully. "Apollo guide my arrow to its markCOMMA" he whispered to no one in particular. HE DID NOT WHISPER TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR...HE SAID IT TO APOLLO, HE SAID SO QUITE PLAINLY. He loosed his arrow and after its A? split second flight, the deer fell from the expert shot of its hunter.
Grinning triuphantly, Toriyn slipped his bow over his shoulder and across the little clearing to claim his prize. RE-READ THIS SENTENCE....I THIN KTHERE'S A WORD MISSING...AND *WHAT* ACROSS THE LITTLE CLAERING?

WHEN A NEW PERSON SPEAKS, IT NEEDS A NEW PARAGRAPH. "Excuse me, friendCOMMA" came a gravely voiced man's voice from behind.

NEW PARA. Toriyn turned and saw a large man dressed in black approaching him.INSTEAD OF "HIM" AT THE END OF THE SENTENCE...I WONDER IF YOU COULD PACK MORE PUNCH AND LEND MORE DESCRIPTION BY SAYING WHAT DIRECTION HE APPROACHED FROM? EITHER THAT OR JUST CUT THE "HIM", AS IT IS UNDERSTOOD. Toriyn stopped and let the man catch up with him.

NEW PARA. "Thank you for waiting for meCOMMA" the man in black said

NEW PARA " No problem, friendCOMMA" came the reply. I DON'T THINK "CAME THE REPLY" IS A GOOD DIALOGUE TAG...IN MY OPINION IT IS BEST TO KEEP IT SIMPEL. aCTUALY, THERE IS NO NEED FOR A TAG AT ALL SINCE THERE ARE ONLY TWO SPEAKERS AND AS LONG AS YOU DIVIDE THE PARAGRAPHS PROPERLY, I KNOW WHO'S TALKING.

NEW PARA. They both walked in silence towards the deer. Toriyn kneeled KNELT in front of the deer PERIOD "DELETE SPACE Sorry Artemis, but my family needs to eatCOMMA" he whispered to the deer before he began to dress it for the journey home.

NEW PARA "Excuse me friend, but is the village of Beroth close by? " asked the man in black.

NEW PARA Looking up from his task, Toriyn pointed his knife in the direction of his home. "DELETE SPACEThe village you seek is half a day down that trailPERIOD".DELETE PERIOD The trail was a horse trail that hunters used in the region. IS THIS NECESSARY INFORMATION?

The man in black looked down at Toriyn and saw a young man of twenty-five winters or so, long black hair tied in the back, dressed in green for hunting and saw emerald green eyes, fierce with independence. WHAT? WHY ARE WE ALL OF A SUDDEN DOING THE MAN IN BLACK'S POINT OF VIEW? THIS IS NOT AN OMNISCIENT VIEWPOINT PIECE, AND THE REAOSN i KNOW THIS IS THAT IF IT WERE, YOUR OMNISCIENT NARRATOR WOULD HAVE INTRODUCED THE MAN IN BLACK BY NAME. I have found him, the oracle at Delphi is never wrong, the man in black thought as he continued to look at the man he so desperately needed to find. " DELETE SPACEAre you Toriyn of Beroth?"

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All right, I think I got all your grammar and punctuation errors. You need to look up out to punctuate dialogue, as wll as how to use paragraphs with dialogue...every time a new person speaks it is a new paragraph.

Aside from those technical issues, the biggest difficulty I had with this was the point of view switch at the end. if this is to be an omniscient viewpoint, then you must show us from the start by, among other things, naming the man in black. omniscient narrators know all, see all, and they do not rely upon any one character's eyes to show them what is happening. But I think it would be better if you stayed out of the man in black's head....it is more mysterious that way and therefore more interesting. I don't need to know about the oracle at delphi yet, that can come later.

Thanks for the brutally honest critisism, I can take it. ( I was in the military ) Also I haven't done any real writing in years, so I'm a little rusty but with help from you nice < hehe > guys here, hopefully, I'll become a better writer.

"came a gravely VOICED man's VOICE from behind."

"Akesth looked down at Toriyn and SAW a young man of twenty-five winters or so, long black hair tied in the back, dressed in green for hunting and SAW emerald green eyes, fierce with independence"

Stuff like that. You might also want to go through and look at the things that end in 'ly' to see if you can replace the word they modify with something more active.

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Toriyn stalked a deer in the woods not far from his village of Beroth.

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Likewise, "Grinning triumphantly," is how he would be seen, not what he would intend. Get into this guy's head, and rewrite the whole thing with that in mind.

OR: if you really want to go into Akesth's POV, then START there.

Smaller issues: I'd change both these characters' names. Akesth I stumble over all the time. I keep wanting to read Asketh, which would be a fine name if it weren't an archaic English word. Toriyn isn't quite so bad, but unless you have a reason not to, I'd make it Torian or something. You might want to use some actual Greek names, if you can find any that aren't too hard to pronounce.

I'm sorry I can't look at the whole thing now; I've already got another critique that I'm behind on right now. But I need to say 2 things. 1) This has definitely improved since you first posted it. 2) You are still not doing the POV properly. It's clear in reading this that you are imagining the story from OUTSIDE, instead of imagining it from inside. Otherwise you would never have lines like the following:

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the deer fell from the expert shot of its hunter.

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" No problem," came the nonchalant reply.

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One other quibble on a minor matter:

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Batzus asked again, growing impatient

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On the other hand, omniscient viewpoint is something that is incredibly difficult to do well. For a moment, let me go with the assumption that you want to do an omniscient viewpoint. This paragraph won't work:

"Toriyn turned and saw a large man dressed in black approaching him from the south. Toriyn stopped and let the man catch up with him."

This paragraph is clearly in third person limitd viewpoint. If it was omniscient, you might dip into a character's mind for a thought (and you would have to identify the thought and who thought it), but you don't describe the actions through someone's eyes like you have done here. Also, the paragraph that you used to have as your last paragraph describes things from the man and black's perspective.

Omniscient viewpoint describes things from the narrator's perspective....essentially -- God. God knows people's thoughts, but he does not need to describe the basic rudimentary things like appearnce as one character things of them....he can look down and see what something looks like all by himself. When he shares something inside someone's head, it needs to be very important. (Hope nobody thinks I'm being blasphemous. )

Sooooo.....I don't think you should use an omniscient point of view. I don't know which of these two characters needs to be primary in this scene, but I think you need to decide and use them as your point of view character. If you're confused about what I mean, read "Characters and Viewpoint' by OSC....if no one's recommended it to you yet on this site, I'll be really surprised.

There are a couple of reasons for switching to third person limitd, and most of them are described in that book. But on top of that, it is a tool that writers need under their belt, whether they choose to use it or not. Also, it is an easier method to get right, especially at the beginning.

But I've tried to show you what you might need to do to go either way because, after all, it is your story.

A third person viewpoing has a narrator that is necessarily outside the story, but you must decide where hs is. Is he floating around, peaking in everyone's mind and telling all, seeing all? Or is he sitting in one character's head, telling the story as that character sees, hears, and thinks about it?

Your story has a narrator that sits in characters heads sometimes and buzzes around sometimes and jumps heads sometimes. All the descriptiveness in the world won't fix that. You need to plant the narrator's but down someplace and tell the story that way.

Let me explain. When you describe your day, you do so from your perspective. You don't say: I walked into the office. The officer looked at me, thinking about his wife back home. He wanted to leave and check on her, but first he had to deal with the annoying customer. Well, duty first and all that. After all, without the money from his job, he wouldn't be able to pay for his family at all.

The only time you'd say that is when you knew the person was thinking that. But most likely, you'd say something like this:

So, I walked into the office. The guy there looked snarky. Guess he wasn't in a good mood. He tried rushing me out, but I refused to leave until my complaint--that the car didn't even work!--was heard.

That, my friend, is what PoV is. The persepective from which the story is told. When you tell a story in 3rd limited PoV, namely telling the story from one person's perspective, you use his/her slant.

You know the cliche about being in someone else's shoes? Try doing that. Next time you write, imagine the character is telling the story. Anything the character wouldn't know/experience can't be in the story--because s/he never experienced it!

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Toriyn stopped and let the man catch up with him, he looked irritated and confused to see someone in a relatively empty forest.

"Thank you for waiting for me, " Batzus said a little out of breath.

" No problem," came the nonchalant reply.

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2nd problem is in the same sentence. Who looks irritated? If it's Batzus, it seems a little confusing.(Why would someone who just said, "Hey, wait up!" look confused that someone else was nearby?) But if it's Toriyn, then you're out of POV.

3rd problem, next sentence. You still introduce Batzus's name without giving Toriyn an opportunity to learn it. Since Toriyn doesn't know it, you can't use it.

4th problem, last sentence. Since Toriyn is speaking, you can't say "came the reply." The reply "came" to Batzus, not to Toriyn. As it is, this sentence is clearly from Batzus's point of view.

Up to this last little segment, however, the POV is handled fine.

My only other complaint is tiny:

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A vulture lighted on a nearby branch and peered down at Toriyn and the deer. He said " This one is taken, my friend," then dismissed it without a single thought and continued walking.

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