this is the opening of my fantasy novel, The Penitent. The first chapter is 4.5k words.
The whole novel is approximately 80k words. I'm looking for readers (of the first chapter, the whole thing, anything really) and any feedback at all.
Thanks in advance Ruth ----------------------------------------------
Mallory wrapped his cloak closer against the night and sank back into the shadows. His breath misted before him, the rhythm smooth and calm. Down the road, a fight was breaking out in the public rooms of Jennsen's inn. Somewhere to his left a horse snorted. Its hooves beat out a hollow refrain on the cobbles.
And in front of him the High Enforcer's house stooped over the street, the windows shuttered and blind. It had surprised him at first. He'd expected a grand mansion in the Marian district. But Trask lived close to his own Cheapside. The area was called Little Holt, named for the number of northern immigrants who had fled the Holtlands following Celtoria's accession and was known as peaceful, though by no means crime free. ---------------------------------------------- (wow - the formatting went really haywire there for a bit!)
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited July 20, 2004).]
posted
I'd be happy to read the first chapter, though I'm swamped till after the 28th. Want me to be second string, after these folk get through with you?
Is the fight in the bar down the street important? If it is, you might think about using that as your first line. I think it might be a better hook. If it's not, then I've just offered a really bad idea.
posted
I think that the fight is important because that's why our boy is sinking back into the shadows. His breath is important to show that he is calm and collected even though he's out to hit a target in an unfamiliar part of town on a cold night and a fight just broke out down the street.
You might want to more explicitly draw those connections, or not. But it would be a good way to show that the information is coming from the POV rather than being dumped, because it demonstrates why he's thinking things.
I think that this opens pretty well. I'm probably too busy, but why not send it over anyway?
the fight isn't important to the story, but is important to Mallory because its a distraction. True, I could make more of this, but I'm not sure how relevent it would be. These are the sounds of his city at night, so they don't overly convern him. Maybe once you read on, you'll let me know.(Mary, no idea is a bad idea - well, maybe lemming impersonation, but...)
To all who've offered to read, many thanks. I will send the first chapter to you tonight (word unless you specified other). Thanks There's no major hurry on this - I'm trapped between submission hell and working on something new.
posted
I think the reason the bar fight seems important is that it's in a different tense than the other elements: 'a fight was breaking out' 'a horse snorted' 'hooves beat' You can blend the fight into the background with a more parallel construction: <Mallory wrapped his cloak closer against the night and sank back into the shadows. His breath misted before him, the rhythm smooth and calm. Down the road, the sounds of a fight breaking out in the public rooms of Jennsen's inn carried to him. Somewhere to his left a horse snorted. Its hooves beat out a hollow refrain on the cobbles.> Obviously, there are other ways to do the same thing. But this way you get to keep the fight, which lends something to the piece, while not overemphasizing it.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Guys, this has all taken a new turn in the last couple of hours as I have been in contact with a publisher here in Ireland. Before anyone gets excited (myself especially), this is on a very early basis, but they have given me the option to send in either the entire ms or sample chapters.
What would you all recommend? At the moment I am leaning towards the first 3 or 4 chapters. Whatever I send I will include synopsis and cover letter. But...
I'll post this question on the Open discussion site as well if that's ok with everyone.
posted
I'd recommend the partial because it will save you on postage (you can always send the whole thing if they like the partial), and it will give you time to incorporate any advice from here that you want to use.
You can get feedback asap on the partial, get it ready and sent, and then be working on the rest of it while they read the partial.
posted
However, the above arguments for sending the whole thing are good ones. You can consider me out-voted.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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I still haven't entirely made up my mind what to do. I think I'm going to read through the ms this weekend and make a decision on Monday - either way I want to make sure I send it before the end of next week to keep momentum going. I don't want to rush anything - its too big a chance.
All ideas on the subject are really appreciated. I'm still befuddled (as the previous mail probably shows!)
another question - this happens later than the segment above, but I'd like to get your opinion on it and what I should do with it. Trask, the lawman of the piece, has been imprisioned and is being moved to a torturer's cell.
quote: They bound his hands awkwardly behind his back and gave him a shove to get him moving. Someone laughed when he stumbled at the foot of the stairs, the sound like a spear going through him.
Trask had thought he knew most of the guards, but those here at Hopewell gaol kept very much to themselves. He didn’t recognise them and they were more brutal than any he had ever known. They might know him but they looked on him as nothing more than a traitor, one who had fooled them and preyed on them.
But there was something else about them tonight, underlying their bravado. Trask knew that scent, could pick its source from a crowd of suspects, or use it to locate a victim. It was fear.
I'm unhappy with the second paragraph above. Any thoughts on how it could be improved, or should I drop it altogether?
quote: Trask had thought he knew most of the guards, but those here at Hopewell gaol kept very much to themselves. He didn’’t recognise them and they were more brutal than any he had ever known. They might know him but they looked on him as nothing more than a traitor, one who had fooled them and preyed on them.
Sentence one says that he doesn’t know what he thought he knew and has never seen the guards before. Sentence two says he doesn’t recognize the guards, but that they are very brutal. Sentence three says that the guards know him and that he has preyed on them in the past.
In this instance, I would think that sentence two is the killer. If you lose it, the other two sentences seem to flow better.
Some questions. If he has preyed on them in the past, how come he doesn’t recognize them? If they kept to themselves, how did he prey on them? If he doesn’t recognize them, how does he know they are brutal? The paragraph before does not make them seem extraordinarily brutal.
The guards as a body are the law in the whole city of Klathport, those at Hopewell are one division of that body. So while he thought he knew most of the guards in the city, he didn't know many at Hopewell.
He hasn't preyed on them, but they think he has.
I think you're right about the brutality - it looks suspiciously like a case of telling rather than showing, in which case it can go.
I think that would leave me with something like this (this is off the top of my head):
quote: Trask had thought he knew most of the guards of Klathport, but those here at Hopewell gaol kept very much to themselves. They might know him, but they looked on him as nothing more than a traitor to their kind, one who had fooled them and preyed on them.
fair enough. There is more before this section, but I don't have it to hand. I can post later for explanation. The first sentence isn't the first of a chapter, or even a paragraph (13 lines!) but granted there are a lot of his and hims in it.
Given that, a character's name, his, him and various titles are bound to be used more than other words.
quote: Trask had thought he knew most of the guards of Klathport, but those here at Hopewell gaol kept very much to themselves. They might know him, but they looked on him as nothing more than a traitor to their kind, one who had fooled them and preyed on them.
Better. I would suggest changing the first half of the first sentence slightly. Leave out “had thought he” and add “well” at the end, so you have:
posted
Here's the piece from the beginning. I've had a go at editing it given the replies here. Let me know...
quote: There was no fanfare, no commotion outside, no warning at all. Even if he hadn’t been dozing fitfully on the stone flags, wrapped in his own cloak, Trask knew he would have heard nothing to alert him. The door opened and the light jarred him awake just before the guards seized him. They bound his hands awkwardly behind his back, twisting them up near to breaking. One gave him a shove to get him moving. Another laughed when he stumbled at the foot of the stairs, the sound like a spear going through him.
Trask knew most of the guards of Kalthport, but those here at Hopewell gaol kept very much to themselves. They might know him but they looked on him as nothing more than a traitor, one who had fooled them and preyed on them.
posted
No. I thought I sent it on to you. Ack! This is getting silly. I will try again tonight - I know MaryRobinette and Shadowynd got it. Sorry about that.
I'm not reworking everything, but reading through and trying to catch anything (including typos and bad phrasing and anything else really) before I do in a fit of extreme paranoia. The current estimate is I send it off on Friday (eek!) as I lost a couple of days with visits from friends.
Anyway, don't worry if you can't get round to it by then - I'd still appreciate the crit if you don't mind.
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