posted
What better way to announce my presence with a piece of my writing? heh. I was not fond of how this turned out plot wise, but I finished it to gain some closure. Comments welcome. This is the first 13 lines
Thralldom It was that gnawing dread that builds up inside a person under duress that pushed Nial to the precipice of sanity. As he teetered on the edge between lucidity and madness, a sharp crack of a whip brought the cruel and harsh reality of his predicament back into focus. His arms started to move again in response to the stimulus of the driver’s whip before his mind could register the thought and instruct his limbs to do as told. His mattock chipped away at the earth, clawing a gash across the scarred surface as Nial lamented, in thought only, being broken. There was no more defiance within him, the fires of wrath and retribution extinguished. He was now a slave in mind as well as body. Weeks before, who knew how many, when the shackles had been bolted to his ankle, a flicker remained and a plan or a dream, or something to fight on existed. He would do all he was commanded to do, always thinking how sweet the free air would be. Now Nial did as he was bid without questioning. Thralldom had become an unconscious state of being, a black harmony of perception and reality. In unison they chewed away at the ground with their blunt tools, chained together like a grotesque ornament about the neck of the earth.
posted
Hmm. Other than being a bit overdone on the prose, it sounds interesting. But before I'll commit to a read I want to know how long it is.
I'd also like to see your presence here on the site to a greater degree. We get a greater feel for you as a person around here by reading your posts and comments on other people's work. And you'd have an easier time soliciting readers once we know you a bit better.
We've been burned by a few flash-in-the-pan newbies.
posted
I was just throwing it out for fun. A little "who is this guy, what does he write like" Kinda deal. I don't think the rest of the story is very good, this was just something I felt like I could offer up. So, in other words, I am not asking for anyone to read the rest.
As to the rest : I know what you mean. I am a moderator on another writing message board and I have seen that same scenario over and over along with spammers and ummm well idiots. I will be around and you will all get to know me.
I'm kinda new here, so I hope I'm not stepping on any toes with my crit. I'm not sure if you were seeking a crit or not, but here goes.
This was interesting, but I think understating the pain and desolation might make feelings come across stronger to the reader. Frex, "As he teetered on the edge between lucidity and madness, a sharp crack of a whip brought the cruel and harsh reality of his predicament back into focus." Consider rewriting something like, "As he teetered on the edge between lucidity and madness, a sharp crack of a whip snapped his predicament (or reality) back into focus."
I like this line: "His arms started to move again in response to the stimulus of the driver’s whip before his mind could register the thought and instruct his limbs to do as told." It indicates mindset and duration of his enslavement. However, I think it could be written more concisely--if it wouldn't destroy the narrator or Nial's voice--by cutting out "stimulus of the", which doesn't really add to the sentence.
There were a couple of confusing places. "lamented, in thought only, being broken." What was broken? Was he lamenting being broken, or was he broken and lamenting something else? Also, this line "unison they chewed", the "they" isn't clear at first. I suggest saying "slaves" instead.
There are several good lines. Some of my favorites were: "He was now a slave in mind as well as body." "a flicker remained" "black harmony"
Anyway, I'm a sucker for a good slave piece. I hope you post more sometime. I'd offer to read more, but right now my time is caught up in revisions of my novel.
posted
Thank you. I have been told several times that I am heavy handed with my prose. This piece was rather verbose. There is just more of the same and the plot is full of holes. I kinda finished it to get some closure, but I am not happy with it. So it sits in the deepest recesses of my hard drive. Just something to keep my busy while I wait for word on my novel.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I as well have the literary pathology of far too much verbage. But I like your style, if not the feel of the piece, kinda Dolstoyevsky or Chuck Palahniuk. Everybody let take a tour of the ninth circle of Hell, but make sure you're hyrdated before hand.
No really, I like it. I just don't want awhole book of it. Break off your bonds, miner slave guy, and run, boy run!
Send me some more if you want. I'll read it. I'm not much of an editor, but I'll tell you what I think, bro.
posted
It's a dead project at the moment. I have bigger fish to fry as it were. I just threw it out there as a sample of my writing for everyone to get to know me a little. What you say is very true. Through what I have read over the years, there are very few authors who can make that style work and alot of the aspiring writers I know don't like it. I will say that I have had to critique many many stories that read like "Dick and Jane" except their dog Spot was noticably missing. I know I track a too far out there into overdone, heavy, confusing, metaphor and I have a tough time stopping. Generally, I start my stories more that way and it picks up with the action (or at least feels like it does) This story, inparticular, stayed in that mode because it was a simple premise and relied on the description to carry the story. The plot went into the toilet, though, and that is why I shelved it, but I may ressurect it one day. Soon, I will throw up some of a Sci/fi novella I wrote, but it is on the back burner as well right now. It's alot different, with a comedic feel to it.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2004
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