posted
Nathan slumped into the hard plastic chair as gracefully as a beached whale. Numbers, lines of codes, senseless alphanumerical figures started dancing in Nathan's vision. Angrily, he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. The numbers followed him, projected on his eyelids, refusing to be exorcised. He dug deeper until sparks of light started dancing in the black void, swallowing the equations. When they were gone Nathan removed his hands. He was tired of his job, tired of staring at computer screens for endless hours. But it was more than that. He was tired. Not: "I'm sleepy" tired, more like: "Ok, I'd like to die now" tired.
It was his usual seat, on the right, about halfway down the car, and near the exit. He looked blankly at the empty rows of white plastic seats, at the curved white plastic walls, at the corrugated white plastic runner that stretched down the middle of the aisle to the white divider door.
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OMG, I've violated a sacrosanct law. I am doomed! It's more than 13 lines, taking into account the fact that that last sentence is a bit long and I wasn't going to cut it to satisfy that requirement.
Anyways, I am ten chapters in (152pp 2x space) and seeking advice as i am a bit stuck at that point.
The first is that you can't get rid of images produced in your cortex by pressing on your eyeballs, anymore than you can get rid of tinnitus by plugging your ears. This phenomenon will be familiar to most readers, I think.
Also, you go a bit overboard giving us his exact location on the train. It's a POV violation and an expositive error. It is enough to tell us that this is his usual seat near the exit.
There are probably some other little things, but overall the rest seems okay.
Did you want advice on what direction to take your plot in chapter ten or do you want feedback on the text of chapter ten itself?
posted
Yes, I know it doesn't wipe out the images.. ie the line "the equations followed him..." He mostly imagines those numbers anyways, it's not a real afterimage due to shocked sensory receptors in his retina but in his mind. He starts to be haunted by his computer screens, dreams and hallucinations become more and more prevalent.
The precision: that's the kind of guy he is. Meticulous. Precise... when he starts to go vague you know he's started going downhill.
No, It's not set in the Artificial Destiny world, it's a stand-alone novel.
I am finding it hard to proceed from chapter X. I had an end when I started but it's growing vague as I get into the story. I don't know if it's because of a major fault in the plot or just that I am discovering the story should lead into another direction.
[This message has been edited by babylonfreek (edited September 06, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by babylonfreek (edited September 06, 2004).]
posted
Pretty good, I like his voice. I only have two nits. One is on here: "dug deeper until sparks of light started dancing in the black void, swallowing the equations. "
Did you mean the sparks of light swallowed the equation, or the void? I wanna say sparks of light, but to me, a void is more likely to swallow things than sparks of light.
The other is I had no idea, except for a chair, where he was in the first paragraph--although, I had visions of beaches dancing in my head for some reason. ;-) Then we get he is in a car--of a train, right? Can you include a hint of his more broad location in the first paragraph?
Sorry I can't help on the bigger problem of writer's block.
quote:I am finding it hard to proceed from chapter X. I had an end when I started but it's growing vague as I get into the story. I don't know if it's because of a major fault in the plot or just that I am discovering the story should lead into another direction.
Not sure if you are a outliner or not, but consider sketching a few of the high points you see in each plot line or different story. That way you get an idea of what you want to happen in each one and you can decide between them. Also sketch what is your character's goal in each. If your character's goal has changed that might change the novel or plot line.
Cya, CC
[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited September 08, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited September 08, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited September 08, 2004).]
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