posted
The changes I've made reflect some of the recommendations made by you. Thanks and enjoy. _____________________________________________
Alekan stood in the muddy street of Geoffrey, England wondering if he could have done more to save Madam Caitlin. It had been his hope that she would arrive to Irerath ahead of the children and offer them a familiar face on a foreign world. Yet she had been resolute--eager, no less--to accept her fate through which she’d find salvation and reunite with her husband in heaven. If ever there was a woman worthy of eternal life, it was she. A deeply religious woman and a midwife, Madam Caitlin had been there for the birth of each child in town and always concerned herself with their health and wellbeing as if they were her own. Alekan only wished he could have revealed his need for her and convinced her to spend a few more years in this meager existence, at least until everyone had settled in to their new home. She had been a prime candidate for Retrieval. Irerath would have done well to have her as a citizen. Yet Madam Caitlin wouldn’t have it. She made her decision the day of her husbands passing, and now plague had given her the chance to leave this life with God’s blessing.
posted
This is pretty much a huge info-dump. You don't gently glide us into the information; you throw it at us in one giant wave. Not fun for the readers.
Posts: 697 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
This is much better than before. Is Irerath the other world? That's not clear to me. If these are the first thirteen lines, it may be too soon to reveal that people are being retrieved to be placed on another world (I hope I understand your premise correctly in this).
There are only two people named here, so I don't see what Blastoma's talking about. I also don't feel it's too much of an info dump, though it might be better if you leave off mentioning Irerath. However, somebody should say something or there should be some action coming real soon.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 20, 2004).]
posted
Two characters, two locations. Not exactly a bombardment. Not even remotely taxing. Not out of line with the whole of all fiction. Once the Irerath part is clarified or moved back, it will be even more clear.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I like your revisions. My only problem is that I want to know about Alekan, your protagonist (or at least your point of view character, from what I can tell). I can understand that I am learning about him in the way he evaluates Madam Caitlin. I'd like to cut the first paragraph off after "at least until everyone had settled in to their new home." Instead of going on about retrieval candidates, I'd like to see some action start that describes Alekan.
This is in line with Magic Beans' assessment, that it's better to leave the Irerath stuff until later.
Perhaps a little less detail about Madam Caitlin and more about Alekan and his surroudings would be better...? ?
For example, you show us he's standing on a muddy street in Geoffrey, England, but what's it really like? How does Alekan perceive the world knowing he's failed to save this Madam (which I'm guessing he should have done)? Also, what's happening around him? Is he alone? Is it night or day? Noises? Put us into his world and you've hooked us.
It doesn't matter what length your story is or will be, you can still take a little time to set up the stage for the action to come-- or you can put Alekan right into action and paint the enviroment as you go. But starting off like you've done, like Phanto says, is an info-dump.
You see, the first thing I wondered was: Why is the street muddy? Is it now raining or had it rained earlier? The second thing I wondered about was the name of the street (does he know it? Is this his hometown or not?). The third thing I wondered was how he felt about not saving Madam Caitlin (is he angry, sad, depressed?). The fourth thing I wondered was where Madam Caitlin was in relation to Alekan while he stood in on the muddy street and when did he fail to save her (just now? earlier?)? Keep your story moving forward in the present as much as possible -- which means you might be starting in the wrong place... maybe.
So, there's nothing really wrong with your first sentence because it makes me interested. Yet, the follow up in that paragraph doesn't tell us very much about Alekan, your main character. Sure, we learn about MC, and she may be important to the story, but you started with Alekan. So, in my opinion, give me something about him I can identify with.
Hope this helps!
PS: I'm not aware of any Geoffrey, England? Is there such a place or is it your own town? I live in England, btw.
posted
I think it is a highly promising start. I was just wondering about the focus. This seems to be more about Mrs Caitlin than about Alekan. Is this really what he is thinking and how he thinks? If it so, then fine... no problems. I am the patient sort. I am willing to find out more about Irerath and its situation at a later time.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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