posted
Abillus held his breath when the pilot began landing procedures. Red, blue, and yellow dots lit the runway. Outside this, total darkness. The small passenger plane shook a little as it descended. Even a little seemed too much.
“Relax, we’ll get there just fine,” the pilot said, his voice a mountain twang. The primitive gave Abillus a grin, an attempt at putting him at ease. A band of rain washed over the windows. The aircraft quaked even harder.
“Don’t look at me!” Abillus said with alarm. “Keep your eyes on— whatever you’re supposed to be doing.”
The pilot frowned and mumbled something under his breath. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The backstory of this character is critical to revealing the motivations of something he does later (assassinating his brother-in-law). In the middle of this chapter, I have 'half' a flashback. I want to reveal bits of backstory in like fashion, each time I have a chapter based on the character.
Why don't I begin the story to much earlier? (1) The events in the backstory occur 1600 years before. (2) The story revolves around the protagonist, born in modern times. The protagonist's story really begins that day. (3) This character's actions will indirectly affect the protagonist life.
Genre: The gray area between fantasy and science fiction. Word Count: ~2000
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 22, 2004).]
"The small passenger plane shook a little as it descended. But even a little seemed too much." You should either add an "only" to the first statement or eliminate the "but" from the second. Also, "The plane buffeted again" doesn't quite work, since "buffet" must take an object, and it is usual for the plane to be buffeted rather than to buffet. You might say "the plane buffeted against [something]."
Or not. As Rahl said, you've done a good job of setting up the situation, including the defining aspect of this POV character, early on. It definitely piques my interest.
posted
Looks good. The action, the tension, the emotions, all established.
quote:Abillus held his breath when the pilot began landing procedures
The pilot might think of landing as a series of procedures, but passengers don't. To Arbillus, it's just a landing--unless there's something we would already know about him we can't pick up from just these thirteen lines.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
<To Arbillus, it's just a landing--unless there's something we would already know about him we can't pick up from just these thirteen lines.>
I think your right. He's not a pilot. I guess I feared that if I said 'landing', the reader might think the wheels were about to touch down on the runway. So I wanted to try to give the impression that the pilot was just beginning to land. But the reader might be able to pick up on that anway.
posted
Using "landing proceedures" is hardly a POV problem. We all have a general idea what those are, and if we were sitting next to the pilot of a small aircraft most of us would easily recognize them.
One note, though. If you're flying a small plane, one of the earlier landing proceedures (right after getting cleared to land) is to fly till the landing strip is lined up with you, then bank sharply and line your plane up with the landing strip. Abillus seems the type to take notice of this rather sudden manuver.
But there isn't any real point in overthinking things. Since nobody mentioned it already, that probably means that most people didn't think it very important.
posted
Maybe add that lovely stomach-flipping turn right before you mention the runway lights (a big clue a landing is in order).
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:"Hey, aren't those the runway lights over there? You're going the wrong way!"
"Relax, we'll get there just fine. Ah gotta line up t'approach. S'all."...
Suddenly the tiny, primative aircraft lurched sickeningly, nearly turning upside-down. When Abillus stopped screaming and opened his eyes, they were heading right for the lights. The pilot was looking at him with undisguised amusement.
"Don't look at me!"....
Really, if the runway is mainly used for this one approach, then it is quite likely that the maneuver wouldn't be necessary. Which is why I didn't think it so important to include.
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