posted
A bit of historical fiction, about the Battle of Towton, during the Wars of the Roses. I've always been fascinated by history, not by historical patterns, but by the millions upon millions of people who lived, loved, grieved, fought, and died before us. It really binds us to the human experience, the human condition.
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“We will unite the white rose and the red Smile heaven upon this fair conjunction, That long have frowned upon their enmity! What traitor hears me and says not amen? England hath long been mad and scarred herself; The brother blindly shed the brother’s blood; The father rashly slaughtered his own son; The son, compelled, been butcher to the sire: All this divided York and Lancaster.” Richard III
Eastwick
The snow came down in thick white flurries, whirling like a million dervishes in the howling wind. It clumped on the men’s cloaks, on their armor and mail, and on their mounts. The column of riders moved ponderously through the driving blizzard, picking their way carefully along the uneven, rocky field. James Eastwick shivered in his saddle and tugged the thick, wool cloak tighter over his shoulders. It was so bloody cold. If they were attacked now, he’d be no use at all, James thought. His hands were numb and clumsy, and his longsword had long ago frozen fast to its leather sheath. His beard, a short stubble of a few days, was frozen hard to his face, and his long, dark hair fared little better in the frigid air. All day the chill had been nigh unbearable, cutting into his very marrow. It only got worse as the light waned. Already night was setting in, and darkness loomed.
“When do you think we’ll make the crossing?” James called to Charles Hall, his lean, gaunt form barely discernible in the storm. His breath frosted with every word.
posted
Welcome to Hatrack! If you haven't already, you should swing over to the Open Discussions on Writing board and look over the introductions thread.
How long is this? Are you looking for readers of the whole piece? I like a little historical fiction, and we don't seem to see much of it here.
As to what you've got here, I think you set the scene well. I've been out on enough cold nights to be shivering right along with your soldiers. My biggest criticism is the number of descriptive words (mostly adverbs), many of which aren't at all necessary. For instance, in your third sentence, you use "ponderously," "carefully," and "uneven." You could use a more descriptive verb, such as "crept," to eliminate "ponderously." "Carefully" is simply unnecessary -- it is implied by "picking their way." And if the field is rocky, it is probably also uneven; likewise, if it is uneven, there is every chance it is rocky. You probably don't need both.
But this is my opinion, probably biased because I tend to write too wordily. I look at everything written with an eye toward making it shorter and leaner.
Again, welcome to Hatrack! [Edited for spelling. ]
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited November 26, 2004).]
Mostly well done, sets the scene well--but too well. You spend far too much time, IMO, in making sure we understand that it's flippin' cold. I very much like the first line. I also like the desciptions from Eastwick's POV of his own condition.
One thing I might want is a slightly larger frame that helps me see that this is more than just a column of cavalry. The cavalry presence would have been a very small fraction of the overall force. Let me see right up front the THOUSANDS of other men--archers, spearmen, footmen--who are going to follow these guys into battle. Let me hear them, let me see them. Otherwise James Eastwick comes across as overly self-centered. In battle, I think (and you with military experience can back me up on this)there is a 'we' mentality. Not a 'me' mentality.
How long is the whole piece? And are you looking for readers?
I agree with Minister and djvdakota. Rewrite with fewer adjectivs and placing the scene into it's larger context.
Other than that it reads well and I like the rythym of your language.
I'll be glad to read a revision, if you'd like. Also, although most of the WIPs of the writers here are fantasy/science fiction/speculative fiction, that doesn't mean that we can't learn from you, or you from us. Good writing is good writing firstly, and genre writing secondly.
LOL, did that make sense? Anyway, wlecome to Hatrack. Glad to 'see' you.
posted
I don't think that it is necessarily selfish to have a 'I' mentality as a soldier. I'm one of those with military experience, and I can assure you that you have to think first of yourself, of what you can do for the welfare of the group, than of the group as a whole (you tend to leave those worries to the commanding officer). I personally would be more wary of someone who thought "we" than "I", since that would mean he does not have enough strength of personality to stay apart from his unit. And the character seems to be expressing some common sense, rather than a set of reactionary and dangerous ideas.
I think it's well written, and engaging, but djvdakota is right about one thing: we don't have a clue why the men are trudging through that weather. It doesn't matter if they're simply following orders and don't have much of a clue themselves; let us see that they do know one reason they're here. (even in an army, you rarely say "folks, let's move here" without giving a reason why- even if it's a false one).
However, I don't agree with djvdakota on the description: what I precisely don't want to see is more of the battle coming ahead - provided there is one; there is no way a common soldier would be aware, other than distantly, of the other divisions of the army, let alone of their positions and missions. I think it very true both to the setting and the character that all he sees is his own unit, and all he knows is the movements of that unit. And personally I care more about the fate of one man that I can identify with than with that of armies.
On the rhythm of your sentences, you should be careful not to fall into a 3/3 pattern: many of your sentences have three audible parts to them: those starting with "it clumped on...", "the column of...", "James Eastwick...", "if they were attacked...". They're all gathered in a very short passage, which means it's all the more audible when you read aloud. Also, you describe the column of riders before actually naming it, which makes for an odd transition in the third sentence (I wondered if there was a second column of riders). I would insert a paragraph break when you introduce James Eastwick, since you jump into someone's POV for the first time (instead of merely giving us a bird eye's view of the column).
posted
Hey! Thanks for all the replies. Right now the story is about 5,000 words long, but I really butchered the ending, so it will probably turn out longer once I work on it a bit more. If anybody would like to read the whole thing, as it is, I'd be more than happy to send it off to you.
As far as describing the rest of the force, I really want to center on the "I" instead of the "we". Theres a blinding snowstorm, everybody's cold, and (Eastwick at least) just wants to set up camp for the night and find a warm fire.
I understand that the description might read a little clumsily (some said it did, others liked it), but I don't know if I want to change that too much.
And could you clarify what the 3/3 was exactly? I'm intrigued.
posted
Ooops. Sorry. 3/3 is shorthand I use in my annotations on my own manuscript. We all have our pet peeves: mine is rhythm. Basically, each time you have a pause, you start a new segment of the sentence. So it's things like commas and conjunctions that give the rhythm to the sentence. If you read your piece aloud you'll see. The problem with all the sentences below is that they can be separated into three parts, and that when you read the piece aloud you hear that a lot of sentences have the same rhythm. It doesn't flow, and even without reading it aloud you can tell.
"It clumped on the men's cloaks,/on their armour and mail,/ and on their mounts." "The column of riders moved ponderously through the driving blizzard,/picking their way carefully along the uneven,/rocky field." "James Eastwick shivered in his saddle/ and tugged the thick, /wool(-len) cloak tighter over his shoulders." "If they were attacked now,/ he’d be no use at all, /James thought." Hope this helps.
quote:...there is no way a common soldier would be aware, other than distantly, of the other divisions of the army, let alone of their positions and missions. I think it very true both to the setting and the character that all he sees is his own unit, and all he knows is the movements of that unit.
We're talking about a whole different order of war than what you're used to, Silver3.
First of all, they have no radios to communicate back and forth with the others--only boys running back and forth. So the different divisions of the group would be closely clumped. That's how they fought anyway, for the most part.
Secondly, a horse soldier in those days was (and I hope I'm remembering this correctly) no 'common soldier'. The horsemen were the gentry. They were earls and dukes and lords. They were the leaders, they were high in a sort of hierarchy that doesn't exist in today's military. Which is why I might tend to lose sympathy with him to know of HIS suffering when there are some 30,000 common soldiers who are without many of the luxuries that this man can afford.
When you're writing a story of this period in English history you cannot forget to integrate the class structure of the times into the scope.
posted
Yup, my mistake. Forgot my time setting :-) So it IS very problematic that we never even see the common soldiers Eastwick is supposed to be leading (presumably his men; I can't remember when the British army went out of the feudal system. I presume not before the War of the Roses). Or else I misunderstood completely what was going on.
And I'm not used to war, just temporarily enrolled in the army (in a military school that trains engineers; as soon as I leave school I'll revert to civilian, like most engineering students) :-)
That said, we don't even know there is going to be a battle; it could be a retreat for all I know. That's why I said we have no clue what they're doing there. (or why they have to cross whatever they have to cross)
posted
Welcome, and well done. I second the advice on adjectives. A few things I noticed: POV-wise, since James is your POV character, you don't need to say "he thought." Any subjective statement in the "I" voice would be understood as James' thoughts. Concerning basics: you as the writer obviously know where these characters are, geographically, but we as readers do not. Now, it may be unlikely that James knows--he just goes where they tell him. Unless you specify in the chapter title what the location is, and James indeed doesn't have a clue, then let us know through James. Let us know he has no idea where he is. Then we can commiserate with him being kept in the dark, and we'll know the author hasn't neglected something so important and basic, that that information is being deliberately withheld for now.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 28, 2004).]
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