quote:May kept looking (east?), swaying back and forth as the waves rocked the boat, her mind clear and relaxed. Suddenly it hit her. She had nothing, no supplies at all, except for the bag of coins from the sale of her family's house. No food or water. And fresh water would be impossible to obtain in the ocean. Either make it to land, or die of dehydration.
posted
Is the poem important to the story? Does the reader know the poem? Is the poem important to the character? If the answer to any of these is yes then keep the reference otherwise you are referring to something the reader doesn't know, doesn't need to know, and to something the person in the boat is unlikely to think of when she realises she may die.
Also the last sentence is a fragment. Sometimes fragments work, this time it doesn't.
posted
It seems very awkward to me. I agree that she's too busy realizing she's going to die to be thinking about poetry.
But for me the most distracting part is the word "popular" - which feels expository - if the poem is important to the story, then introduce it earlier, and more casually, so that its popularity is apparent to the reader - that way your character doesn't have to tell the reader that the poem is popular.
but, you know, i am deeply biased against having characters use poems/song lyrics/literary references etc to illustrate how they're feeling - to me it always feels like a failure of imagination.
posted
Use of a poem doesn't bother me, but I agree with Yanos, it better be important to the character and the story. Don't count on the reader knowing the poem. Is it important enough to quote a few lines?
In the above passage, the use of a poem helps characterize May. She intellectualizes things. This gives me a feeling of distance from the problem. I assume she's going to lose that distance very quickly.
posted
Actually, I think that if poetry is central or defining for your character, it helps considerably. You still have to polish that paragraph, of course, but it could work.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
The problem here is that by referring to the poem the reader is thinking about the poem and not her plight, so you have diminished the drama in this part of the story.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I like the idea of referencing the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, but I think the execution could use some work. You could reference the poem indirectly, by quoting the relevant line, e.g.:
<No food or water. And fresh water would be impossible to obtain in the ocean. What did the poem say? Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Coleridge, she thought. Not that it mattered.>
I'm not claiming my restatement is good. I am claiming that you could use the poetic reference as an interesting way to further reveal Mary's mental state (fragments of poetry drifted as aimless as the boat through her stunned mind . . . ); character (Mary laughed defiantly. "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink!" she chanted); knowledge (Mary searched for an appropriate quotation. Of course. Coleridge); or even history (What was that dreadful poem her tutor always made her read? Something about "water, water, everywhere" but how you couldn't drink any of it).
posted
I like the point yanos made about this fragment. I'd also like to add that it feels inserted. It doesn't feel like it flows naturally from May's thoughts.
One of the points I haven't seen mentioned yet is that in your fragment you call it the "Time of the Old Mariner". If this is part of the story you've shared before on F&F, trying to quote an Earth poem in the world you've created will be a distraction at best. At worst, it will destroy the illusion completely.
That doesn't mean you can't insert it in there. Like J said, you could mention it indirectly, or attribute the concept to a poem that already exists in your world, changing the title more than you already have so that it expresses your world's unique nature more completely. IMO you'd still be paying homage, but in a more organic way.
Of course, if this is in our world, feel free to flame me.
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