Here ya go...

The child's toes brushed at Helen's fingertips and pulled away, seeking the safety of the dark womb. It was as if it somehow understood that the world it was soon to enter would not welcome it.

The Mistress would be in to check soon and there had yet to be any progress, other than the slowly ebbing life of mother and child soaking into the weathered quilts and molded hay. There was nothing to do now but wait.

Helen moved to the young girl's side. Reaching to draw out a damp cloth, she placed the cool water on the mother's face. An intence heat seeped from the girl's pores as the sun sank into the horizon. Soon it would be too late. Most likely it was too late already. Helen couldn't imagine the child living to take its first breath without intervention from the Spirits. She had seen this happen too many times within these walls.

Well, it's a bit more than 13 lines. Sorry.
This book goes into the editor for a final decision in just a few days and it has to be tighter than tight. So rip it to shreads. Please. Thanks for your help!

You guys are awesome!

quote:

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The Mistress would be in to check soon and there had yet to be any progress, other than the slowly ebbing life of mother and child soaking into the weathered quilts and molded hay. There was nothing to do now but wait.

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The first sentence here could be tightened. The 'there had yet to be any progress' seems clumsy and takes away from the effectiveness.

quote:

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She had seen this happen too many times within these walls.

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Seen what happen. This is vague and could have more impact if spelled out.

The only other thing I have for now is "intence" should be intense, unless this is an American spelling unfamiliar to me, in which case I apologise.

First, I love any story that includes a birth--an amazing process. So that alone drew me in. But I really want to be taken very quickly into why the mother and child are dying. You seem to be pussy-footing around the issue a bit and I wonder if you should just hit it hard with these first 13 lines.

Second, the first paragraph is lovely in its language, but confusing in exactly what is happening, and it represents a POV that the remainder of the fragment doesn't follow.

You're a mommy, so you should remember that when a baby is at full term and being delivered, there really isn't much room for the child to 'withdraw' to anywhere. The womb is contracting, the baby is either lying still or struggling to get itself into position. But the real problem is that it feels like the baby is outside the womb when its toes brush at Helen's fingertips, and then it seems to be suddenly inside the womb.

I THINK the problem could be fixed by more firmly establishing the identity of Helen, the POV character I believe you're trying to establish here. Something like: "Helen felt the child's foot push against her fingertips, stretching the skin of its mother's belly. It kicked out, then withdrew, as if seeking the safety of the dark womb. As if it somehow knew that the world..."

For the second paragraph, you've just introduced your POV character. Stay with her. Don't introduce someone you can't fully explain. Wait for the 'mistress' to enter on her own before introducing her. Instead, show us what Helen sees that make her believe that the mother and child's life are ebbing away. Is there blood? What is the mother's condition? Is she crying out, as I would think she would? Unless she's unconscious? Give me details. Be more explicit. Help me FEEL for these people, help me see their distress.

Lastly, watch the adjectives. You run a danger of getting into an adjective/noun rhythm that can be bothersome to read. IE, the first two lines of the last paragraph: young girl's...damp cloth...cool water. We don't need to know she's a young girl. You could just say girl. Simply 'girl' tells us that she's young, but obviously old enough to be having a baby--so maybe 13 to 15? That's really all I need to know, and since she's going to die I don't really need to know much more.

If so, cesarean births were done in more primitive times, though it often resulted in the death of the mother.

Those are my only technical problems with the situation.

Re: "She had seen this happen too many times within these walls."

This is clarified in the next paragragh.

Re: "Well my biggest concern is your describing a breach birth (i.e. the baby coming out in a manner other than head first) which leads to all kinds of complications. Was this intentional?"

It's a breach. The Mother isn't going to make it. It's clarified in a later paragraph that it has been two days. Helen has tried to turn the child but it's cost the mother a lot of blood and complications have arisen.

Re: "Cesarean births were done in more primitive times, though it often resulted in the death of the mother."

This is exactly what happens.

I agree there are WAY too many adjectives, and I really like the idea of explaining better the first paragragh. That is what happens. Helen feels the toes through the belly. I guess I need to clarify. Thanks.

I actually had shown the prosess of her dipping the rag in the bowl and then placing it to the girl's face, but one of my editors said that it didn't need to be described so I had changed it. I'll just change it back.

I'll try to post the fixes later today.

Thanks everyone! Keep them commin'

Does anyone want to read the whole chapter?

Rachel

The child's feet pushed at the belly of the mother, brushing at Helen's fingertips. It kicked out, and then pulled away, as if seeking the safety of the dark womb; as if it somehow understood that the world it was soon to enter would not welcome it.

Helen dipped a rag into the bowl beside her, watching for signs of awareness in the girl's eyes. After twenty-three hours there had been no progress, other than the slowly ebbing life of mother and child seeping into the weathered quilts and molded hay. The child would not come, and with each tightening of the mother's belly it became clear that death was close.

Helen placed the cool rag to the mother's face, wiping away the perspiration. An intense heat bled from the girl's pores as the sun sank into the horizon. Soon it would be too late. Most likely it was too late already. She couldn't imagine the child living to take its first breath without intervention from the spirits.

She had seen this happen too many times within these walls. Once, long ago, she had been given the gift of bringing life into the World of Earth. Now she was a passageway for new life into the World of Air. A door into the Spirit World, with many small lives lost to the Shadow. She would no longer waist her prayers on life, she decided. She began pleading for a swift death.

Well that's it. I hope some of you get to see it. Let me know what you think. Thanks again for your help.

Other than that. I think you do a better job in this rewrite of focusing on Helen. I think before one of your biggest issues was throwing too many people at us without giving any of them a strong footing, explaining who they were.

But then you start talking about spirits (and I noticed you changed "Spirits" to "spirits," is it supposed to be capital S or not?). I hope the paragraphs that follow explain what the World of Air, the World of Earth, doorways and the Shadows all are. Becuase that's a lot to absorb and take in without details. I'd be willing to let some of it go without explanation, I think readers should give the writer some faith sometimes, but that's creating a whole world in a paragraph, need to have more explaination.