posted
This is the beginning of a novel that is complete in draft and half-way through rewrite. Will send first chapter unless more is requested. This intro is printed in italics with the story changing to normal text in the next section.
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It slept. And where it slept there was no dreaming, only darkness and pain and no escape. It slept in a cage the shape of a dark dewdrop, hung like a cocoon in a sunless, inky cavern filled with stench beyond bearing and screams, the lullaby of the damned. Memory, however, was granted to it; memory of a life it could relive over and over a thousand, thousand times, but never amend, never remold the clay of its torment. Hatred there was in plenty, and fury, but no way to wield them. “I, once greatest of prophets, the icon of power, am powerless”, it thought without hope, and it was right. Then, unexpectedly, into its bleak eternity, a new motion stirred within its cold, wretched heart and something told it change was coming; there was something it must do and a price for freedom. Its bonds were loosed. It fell to the hard ground like a drop of blood and lay there for a long time, air slowly filling its lungs. Warily, it began to unwind itself from the black wrappings that had confined it for centuries. With a sound like crackling paper, it stretched out its shriveled limbs. With a hiss of breath, it expanded its chest, uncurled its shrunken spine, and clambered erect on shaky legs. It lifted its head and opened its eyes. They blinked once or twice, without seeing. Where there is no light, there is no sight. Never mind. It didn't need to see. The One True Lord was calling. It knew where to go. It could feel the way. If it had been awakened, there was a reason. There would be a reward for obedience, that much it knew and perhaps a chance for redemption. Its time had come.
posted
Hi, and welcome. Or welcome by fire, as the case may be.
Question: Why italicize that complete section? If this is the only time you do this throughout the novel, drop the italics and make it a prologue, or signify to an editor some other font choice to indicate it's separate from the main narrative if you use this frequently. This much italicized text will be difficult on the eyes.
It's not to say you can't do it with italics, but just consider it.
At the moment, my computer and I are having a disgreement about copying and pasting text, so I can't make any particular comments about the narrative other than that I think it's good in places and not so strong in others. After a quick reboot, I'll come back here and edit this post... if the I don't toss my computer into the street, that is. It could happen.
EDIT BELOW:
Ah, seems to be working w/o a reboot -- hung program in the background.
Right. Your story:
quote:It slept. And where it slept there was no dreaming, only darkness and pain and no escape.
I like it. It sounds familiar, but I like it.
quote:It slept in a cage the shape of a dark dewdrop, hung like a cocoon in a sunless, inky cavern filled with stench beyond bearing and screams, the lullaby of the damned.
I like the feel of this, but I got hung on the "and screams"... which forced me to reread this several sentence several times. It could be fine, but it seems like it needs it's own sentence.
quote:Memory, however, was granted to it; memory of a life
I'd prefer a colon over a semicolon here. A good rule of thumb for semis is to substitute for a conjunctive phrase, removing an "and" or "yet" or possibly "but". Colon, definitely.
quote:Then, unexpectedly, into its bleak eternity, a new motion stirred within its cold, wretched heart and something told it change was coming; there was something it must do and a price for freedom.
This sentence doesn't work well for me. Take out the unexpectedly and what do you have? "Then into" Not ideal. Why not just use "Suddenly" and be done with it?
You posted a lot of stuff here, more than 13 lines of manuscript format... I'll let others provide feedback on the rest.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 26, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 26, 2005).]
posted
Hi RockLover, (the physical objects, or the music?)
I was engaged by this opening, especially the "dark dewdrop" image. There was a certain sense of deja vu to this character, but that can't be entirely avoided by anyone.
I suggest that you examine all the double adjectives, double adverbs, and "and" clauses. Either restructure the sentences, or find a single word to convey the entire idea. I ran into so many instances of x _and_ y that I noticed a sing-song quality in my head. Breaking that up will better suit the mood you've established.
I consider the following to be a pivotal point in the opening:
quote:Then, unexpectedly, into its bleak eternity, a new motion stirred within its cold, wretched heart and something told it change was coming; there was something it must do and a price for freedom.
I suggest you cut the opening clauses, and choose a concrete image or sensory word to replace "a new motion." A fresh image can convey startlement or novelty more effectively than standard transition phrases ever could.
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