I need feedback on a scene. This isn't the first 13 lines of it. It falls more in the center. But I wanted to give everyone an idea of what they were volenteering for.

Here it is...

Slowly and deliberatly, he turned to face the beast, arrow still pointing forward.

A large, grey wolf crouched before him, its white fangs clear in the moonlight. The thick fur bristled along its back, as its jaw quivered dripping saliva. The gutteral sounds of the beast sent a chill over Jon's skin. But it was the eyes, red as blood, which sent the terror into his bones...

...Suddenly Jon felt the heavy thrust of weight fall upon him. The wolf had hit him hard from the side. It thrashed over him, teeth gnashing. The weight of the beast pressed him down, and he struggled in both mind and body to find his footing.

The jaws snapped at his face, the rancid smell of death pushing from its throat. Jon let the beast take his forearm, trying to save his eyes. He didn't feel the teeth sink in, but knew they were by the sudden appearance of blood.

The urge to bite back entered his jaw, and adrenaline sent waves, like lightning through his veins...

So there you go. I hope it's not too choppy.

If anyone out there would like to read the whole scene I would really appreciate some feedback. I have no clue what it feels like to face a wild animal...maybe one of you out there does.

Thanks,

Rachel

quote:

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Slowly and deliberatly, he turned to face the beast, arrow still pointing forward.

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Slowly indicates deliberation, so this is redundant. Also if he turned to face the best with his arrow still pointing forward, this creates an odd image. I know what you intended, but phrase it differently. ex. "Slowly he turned to face the beast, centering his arrow on it's face." or somesuch.

quote:

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A large, grey wolf crouched before him, its white fangs clear in the moonlight. The thick fur bristled along its back, as its jaw quivered dripping saliva. The gutteral sounds of the beast sent a chill over Jon's skin. But it was the eyes, red as blood, which sent the terror into his bones...

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Couple of small things, it would be more effective if the "fangs glistened in the moonlight". Red eyes in wolves are generally a sign of albinism, or is it supposed to be supernatural? Wolves typically have yellowish eyes.

quote:

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...Suddenly Jon felt the heavy thrust of weight fall upon him. The wolf had hit him hard from the side. It thrashed over him, teeth gnashing. The weight of the beast pressed him down, and he struggled in both mind and body to find his footing.

---

Bad transition, the wolf was in front of him with no indication of movement and then wham it's hitting him from the side? Also don't start a sentence with points of ellipses. Is this a second wolf? Wolves do tend to hunt in packs. If not you need to add some indicator of it moving, "a grey blur dashing to his left and then slamming into" etc.

quote:

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The jaws snapped at his face, the rancid smell of death pushing from its throat. Jon let the beast take his forearm, trying to save his eyes. He didn't feel the teeth sink in, but knew they were by the sudden appearance of blood.

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Not feeling the injury is slightly plausible, but it would be more effective if we felt the wrenching pain as the fangs tore into his flesh and muscle. Also if this is at night and depending on the setting, blood might not be that noticeable.

quote:

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The urge to bite back entered his jaw, and adrenaline sent waves, like lightning through his veins...

---

Is Jon a werewolf or something?

Since you asked about animal attacks I will see if I can help.

Wolves generally hunt in packs of 3-5. They circle the prey and then close in, usually one wolf will take the lead to attract the targets attention while the others creep in and attack the legs. Canines in general attack lower legs or the throat. On a human they are more likely to go for the legs and attempt to hamstring it, on animals more there size they are more likely to go for the throat and a fast kill. On a particularly large target they will sometimes attempt to "bear" it down, by latching onto any extremity and trying to drag it off it's feet.

It's an interesting scene and I'm curious about it's context in the rest of the story.

Thanks!

This wolf is alone. The reason it has red eyes is because it's possesed by a sorcerer. The red is significant.

HuntGod: would you be interested in reading the whole scene? It's about four pages. You seem to have a grasp of the animal's movement.

Rachel

[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited January 27, 2005).]

This could easily be two sentences or rewritten as one more effective sentence.

i.e. 1. A large grey wolf crouched before him. He could clearly see its fangs in the moonlight.

2. Fangs glistened in the moonlight from a large grey wolf crouching before him.