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Ok. I've never commented on anybody else's work here, mostly because I'm not 100% sure what's expected. Therefore, this is my first post. These are the first thirteen lines of a 2000 word short story that I'm working on. I'm looking for one or two good critiques. Hopefully I'll find them here. Thanks.
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This is how the universe works.
Not too long ago, Sean Carpenter had an experience that changed not only his own life, but the lives of every single person in our little corner of the multiverse. It all unfolded in a very unlikely place – a nightclub in the sultry black streets of Hollywood.
There’s strobe lights and green laser beams and the acrid smell of sweat mingled with the tangy smell of alcohol. There’s hair flying and bodies moving in the flickering darkness of the strobes. A young man in an outfit the color of tinfoil is doing the robot. He doesn’t draw much attention. Deep bass pounds the floor. It seems like a typical Saturday night.
Sean was the young man in the tinfoil colored outfit. He could always do a pretty good robot, or so he was told, and he was doing it with every ounce of his energy on this serendipitous Saturday night in Hollywood.
posted
Very intriguing beginning. Short stories tolerate very few repetitions of words and you have several...Saturday, Hollywood, smell...can you find a way to just use one. What I mean is, you have already given us the information that it is Hollywood and Saturday and night, so to repeat this info is unneccesary, and in a short story, every word counts for or against you. "It was a typical Saturday night" bothers me. Typical? For whom? For where? I feel you could be much more specific here about the initial setting. By the way, grammatically, you should be using "there ARE" rather than there IS (there's). Quirky. I like the voice of the piece. It has definite possibilities.
Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Thanks for the comments. They're all very helpful. Any possibility that you'd be willing to critique the whole thing?
Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
"There's" is probably an attempt to get a certain diction going with the narrator. I'm not sure if it was completely successful...I knew you were doing something, I just wasn't clear on exactly what. You use the pattern twice, then drop it.
I noticed the repetition too...I liked Rocklover's idea of expanding a bit on each round rather than simply repeating things. And some of the things you say aren't really very descriptive. I had no idea what you meant by "sultry black streets" and could think of a lot of different meanings for "an outfit the color of tinfoil" (the differences were subtle, but important). The initial image I got from "hair flying and bodies moving" is almost certainly not what you intended. On the other hand, I very much liked "Deep bass pounds the floor."
Overall, I think I'd read if I were less busy. How can I be so busy? I must be getting old or something.
quote: The initial image I got from "hair flying and bodies moving" is almost certainly not what you intended
This made me giggle. Thanks. I'll do something about that.
And yeah, the "there's" is still there from a previous edit. Originally, the whole story had a kind of "being-told-over-a-drink-at-a-bar" style. It changed drastically, but a few of those remnants are still there.
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I'd be happy to read this. My thoughts so far:
* I like that you've already given me a big promise, told me why I should care. Although the voice is quirky enough that might be enough to draw me in too
* I don't see Hollywood streets as sultry, since I think you need dark clouds for this
*>There’s strobe lights and green laser You switched from past tense to present and then back to past.
*It might be more fun if the dancer DOES draw attention, or if it's NOT a typical Saturday night. If it has to be typical, you could show how outlandish it is, and then say that's typical.
* He's dancing alone, I think. I'm not from California, but where I live, that's unusual and merits explanation.
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