And Beast is a tentative title - any ideas for something better is appreciated.

----------

It was always there.
A flame that would never die inside of him, that primal urge to attack, destroy, that survival instinct. A beast that dwelled in his soul, lurking in the darkest corners, waiting for the chance to strike. And it was patient. Oh, it was patient. It would wait for days, weeks, months at a time, not daring to pounce until the time was ripe. And until then it would remain hidden, ignored by the one it inhabits, unseen by those outside.
But the body that housed the beast – specifically, a 17 year old, male body – was far from thinking about such a hidden terror at this time. The boy sitting next to him was much too distracting.
“Everyone says that the Dark Lord is so hard, but I’ve beaten him easy. Like, 50 times already.”
“Mmm.”

---------

quote:

---

“Everyone says that the Dark Lord is so hard, but I’ve beaten him easy. Like, 50 times already.”

---

Without looking at the remainder, I would start the story with the line above. Then weave the preceding information into the body of the story early on.

Before you do so, look at the preceding information and decide just how much of it is necessary for the reader to know, in order to understand what is going on.

Is there any repetition in that piece? If so, can you condense it?

When should the reader know that information?

Is it something that should be told, or can you show it instead?

Answer all these questions first, then go back to the start and reread it. Perhaps you'll agree that the story starts better as I've suggested, or perhaps there is an even better place to start!

Hope this is of use.

quote:

---

what exactly constitutes 13 lines? I just pasted 13 lines from Word, but it doesn't seem quite long enough.

---

What you posted is perfect length per this site's guidelines. It may seem short, but it is usually enough to spot any trouble or perhaps interest a reader.

Right. There are a lot of occurences of "it" in this story. I even think the first one should/could be replaced with exactly what "it" is. Don't rely on "it" to do the work. Say what "it" is -- and then go from there. Some "its" are okay, though...

Second thing. Tell us the 17-year old's name right off.

quote:

---

But the body that housed the beast – specifically, a 17 year old, male body –

---

Don't hold this information back. Just say the kid's name right away. It'll work. Trust me.

EDIT: Specifically, give us the name right at the beginning within the first or second sentence. Probably right where you wrote: "The flame that would never die within [insert name here]...."

I think I might have to finish the story (I'm nearing completion), before I really decide, but I have to agree, it does seem to start better that way. However, there's no real break in dialogue until the next time the beast is mentioned, at which point it's too late.

Here's what the first thirteen lines would be if I started from the point you offered:

--------

“Everyone says that the Dark Lord is so hard, but I’ve beaten him easy. Like, 50 times already.”
“Mmm.”
“The trick is not attacking his spirit duplicate when it’s unleashed, but attacking his physical form while he’s in that weakened state.”
“Hmm.”
“Most people get that wrong, but I figured it out the first time I played him.”
“Hmm.”
“Of course, even if you know the trick, you have to be really fast in getting to him, and most people screw it up anyway.”
“Mmhmm?”
“But I don’t. I’ve never even died while fighting him.”
“Mmm.”

--------

I think the first part about the beast and everything is supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing, although I can't say foreshadowing is something I'm particularly skilled at. But it does sort of provide an undercurrent for the dialogue ahead, giving the reader something to expect soon, although the timing is a bit of a surprise.

I'm not saying all of this is a great idea, but this is just where my train of thought is headed.

My suggestion is to take away all of the hmmms... and condense the other kid's dialog into one paragraph.

Before looking at the other comments, I want to give you two pieces of personal reaction.

Your first two sentences are not actually complete sentences. Ther eis no action, no verb, in either one of them. Sentence fragments can be used in fiction to create dramatic effect, but I don't think it works here. Because we have no concept of what this is about, no idea what to expect from you as a writer, and no tone, it mostly reads like your command of grammar is poor...which I know it isn't from reading the rest.

Second, "The Dark Lord" Is voldemort. I'm sorry, I hate it when people find a tiny little thing that is remotely like Harry Potter and tell me I can't do it because Rowling did it when I know she didn't relaly invent any of those things, but that's all I could think when I read that line. I think that you could make "The Dark Lord" mean something else in your story if you introduced it in a different way, but just dropping the line in there made me instantly think of Harry Potter. It's a cultural nuance that I'm afraid we all have to contend with.

Now I'm going to go read everyone else's thoughts...

I don't like the second try nearly as much as the first, and I also disagree with this hard and fast rule that we seem to have at Hatrack: "Name the character right away." I just don't agree with that. Now, reading over it again, I thought it might be a good idea to name him instead of calling him a 17-year-old boy. So the sentence might read: "But the body that housed the beast – specifically, John Smith – was far from thinking about such a hidden terror at this time."

Now, if I can extrapolate from this conversation that you plan to have those lines of dialogue as the next few lines in the story, I have another basic reaction that I'd like to share: boredom. In the introduction you set up this beast that I am picturing as a possessing spirit or the soul of a man (at this point it could go either ay but I'm not concerned) and that sparked my interest. But then you start talking about a video game and I just sort of yawned. The hook worked, but the follow through might keep me from turning the page. I find myself asking why we need to know this information and what it has to do with anything.

Now, I see a couple of possibilities for you, depending upon what you hope to accomplish with this story. First, it might help if you juice the dialogue up with some action tags or even some of John Smith's thoughts. He keeps saying "mmmm" does he care about what his friend (is it his friend) is saying? Often when someone is bored by something their first suggestion is to cut it. I've had that suggestion myself, but in some cases, and I believe this is one of those, that advice is exactly opposite. This should be longer, fuller, and richer, IMHO (in my humble opinion). Let's start getting to know John Smith, starting with his real name. Let's get to know his friend, including his opinion fo the kid.

I don't make an immediate connection to Harry Potter when I see Dark Lord, so I don't think thats a huge problem, I assume your referring to Satan or some other malevelont entity, not Voldemort.

I also agree with the other posters that you should name the character rather than using a "17 year old". As a rule of thumb your better off describing him by name and calling him a teenager or older teen. Unless it is critically important that we know he's seventeen. If it is critically important then it would be better to relate that information in dialogue.

Also it generates curiousity, on my part at least, as to what he means by "he's beaten him 50 times".

I was pretty clear that he was talking about a video game from that line, although in fantasy, taking things at face value, it could have meant anything.

The reason I don't like starting with the Dark Lord line is for two reasons: 1) I recognize already that there is little known about the two characters, but with that as the starting line, you don't even have the "17 year-old boy" part to work with. The reader could be picturing 20-something guys, or whoever else might be interested in video games.

2) The "beast" is woven in throughout the story, and I can't think of any other place to put that opener, really.

Most of the confusion here is cleared up in the next few lines of the story (names, dialogue, etc.), but I can understand the problem of not understanding the situation right away. So here's what's explained later, in a nutshell, and maybe you can help me get that down sooner:

Tristan (the main character) is trying to do his math homework in class. Eliot (the Dark Lord kid), however, is being extremely persistent in talking about video games, especially about his incredible skill. So Tristan, trying to get across the idea that he's not interested, while still being polite, is simply responding as noncommittally as he can to give the very strong hint that he doesn't care. Eliot, of course, doesn't pick up hints.

Like I said, all this is explained pretty much right after the dialogue that I've posted stops, but perhaps I need to explain it earlier, to keep the reader hooked? I'd hate to think that I can bore the reader that quickly.

Tristan concentrates on his math homework. This is a good place to slip in some information on what kind of student he is and what kind of school he attends. Eliot speaks “Everyone says that the Dark Lord is so hard, but I’ve beaten him easy. Like, 50 times already.”

“Mmm.” Rather than just saying "Mmm", Tristan can have an internal reaction. That reaction can emphasize that he's concentrating on math, or it can hint at the Beast of the title, depending on how you want the scene to progress.

“The trick is not...in that weakened state.” Go ahead and skip bits of Eliot's dialogue, since Tristan is tuning him out.

“Hmm.” Again, add some POV that gives us story relevant information.

“Most people...him.”

When it comes to responding to critiques, the number one rule is to not explain or defend. You can ask clarifying or follow-up questions, and you may always say thank you, but when you begin responding or defending you are making the critical error I described above.

That's why this forum and the critiquing process done here rocks. We get valuable advice, for free, on anything that is wrong or potentially wrong with our manuscripts well before sending them off for rejection.

If the beast is inhabiting this kid how much of the kid is really left? In this case, would the beast even know his name or care to know. It seems more clear to me that this creature has taken over, and maybe we should get the name from the friend rather than the beast's mind, and then the beast can claim it from there. I kind of liked the impersonal tone, though the detail was maybe a bit much-- height and exact age. Or,is it from the kid's point of view or rather what is left of him? If so, I'll just shut up.

Just as another voice on it-- "the Dark Lord"-- didn't confuse me, but then, if the editor is confused who cares how I take it.

Edit: Okay, I reread it, and it doesn't seem to be from either voice. For me, I don't see how the kid could be contemplating the beasts thoughts or vise...well, the opposite. Is it omniscient? I think it would be neater and more freaky to see it up close from one or the other's thoughts rather than outside.

But (yeah, there's a but ) 13 lines is not arbitrary. Kathleen chose 13 lines for the following reasons:
1. It will ensure that you have not given up first electronic publishing rights by posting a large part of your story on a public forum.
2. In a properly formatted manuscript, it is about how much text fits on the first page and...
3. An editor looks for a hook in those 13 pages (for a short story) and if he does not find them he does not read further.

#3 is the one I want you to think about for a bit. It's not fair. It's frustrating. It made me want to tear my hair out when I first realized it. It's only 3 or 4 thousand words, I wanted to say, it's a few pages, it's a short story, just read the whole thing and decide if you like it! But 3 or 4 thousand words is a lot when you have to read two hundred manuscripts a day. An editor is looking for any reason not to have to read the whole thing.

-----

He couldn't escape it.
A flame that would never die inside of him, that primal urge to attack, destroy, that survival instinct. A beast that dwelled in his soul, lurking in the darkest corners, waiting for the chance to strike. And it was patient. Oh, it was patient. It would wait for days, weeks, months at a time, not daring to pounce until the time was ripe. And until then it would remain hidden, ignored by the one it inhabits, unseen by those outside.
But the body that housed the beast – specifically, a 17 year old body by the name of Tristan – was far from thinking about such a hidden terror at this time. He was too busy trying to ignore the boy sitting next to him.
“Everyone says that the Dark Lord is so hard, but I’ve beaten him easy. Like, 50 times already.”
“Mmm."

-----

One thing you might consider is avoiding redundant phrases and words. For example, in the following phrase, you use "body" twice:

quote:

---

But the body that housed the beast – specifically, a 17 year old body by the name of Tristan

---

If you take out the second instance of "body" you lose nothing except redundancy. Because the first part of that sentence already establishes the subject "body" clearly enough. To repeat it again isn't needed, we know what you're talking about as we read on. Does that make sense?

The only other thing that might be noteworthy is that most of the sentences start similarly, in that you use an article (A, The) or a conjunction (And, But). If you can, mix it up a bit.

As hooks go, it's got potential... and I would likely read on to see if this hidden beast surfaces, maiming and disfiguring the gamer kid. Yet I also think it could be stronger.

quote:

---

Pull out a story of yours that has at least the first few scenes completed. Write five different opening scenes for the story, each no more than three to six paragraphs, focusin on:

1. The description of some object of importance to the scene.
2. Your point-of-view character engaged in some specific, unexpected action.
3. An outrageous opinion held by the point-of-view character, expressed inside her head or in her own words -- something she would never tell a living soul (everyone has these).
4. Six lines of dialogue between two character (three lines each) who are arguing about something that will be important to the plot.
5. A description of the room where the first scene occurs. Focus on details that will have thematic significance and/or that tell us something about the owner's personality.

---

It sounds a little off-the-wall, and at first I was dubious, but it sparked some great ideas. I did not end up using any of the specific kinds of openings suggested above, but what an exercise like this does is get the creative juices flowing. It make syou think about your story in a different way, focusing on elements you may not have considered before. It may even require you to rearrange the order of story telling, which can also be a great way to pinpoint the perfect beginning.

quote:

---

for some reason that sentence doesn't work for me -- it feels forced or contrived.

---

As it is, this opening moves from the interior of the character's mindset to the real world, it seems, and that is an interesting way to open on a dark character who's living in the real world but is capable of some dark stuff.

The name Tristan itself invokes a middle-class, upper-class image. So, by contradicting that with the darkness inside of him, this might be sufficient in setting up the mood you're after.

Also, consider adding more to the first sentence... you're already explaining it in the next few sentences, so is there any reason in delaying what Tristan can't escape? Delay -- even short ones -- doesn't necessarily build suspense or tension. At least not this early.

And... think about starting immediately with the setting, too. You could possibly incorporate all of the above in just a few sentences that would not diminish the intensity or mood of what you're trying to achieve.

I can provide examples of this, here, or via email if you'd prefer that.

Your goal is to engage the reader in those first few paragraphs, right? At the moment, I'm not particularly engaged. Yeah, there's flame that Tristan can't escape... and... I think: So, why can't he? Why is he being a slacker?

The trick is to immediately show that the other kid is imminent danger... and I mean imminent. Tell us what Tristan really wants to do this kid, what that darkness wants him to do to the kid. Don't delay it, say it from the get-go. And then you'll draw us in to see what happens next. Let us see the darkness from a different angle. Because telling us up front like you've done sort of spoils it right away. Having Tristan react to harmless comments with violent thoughts will show us immediately what this darkness is like -- and we can learn shortly thereafter what is causing this darkness.

Does any of this make sense?