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No one suspects the blind guy. He walks around with his cane and dark glasses, occasionally uncertain of his location, slightly afraid of crossing the street, but behind the innocent facade lies a razor-sharp mind.

If you’re reading this it’s because I’ve died and still, no one suspects me. This is my tale, my confession.

It started in the middle of a bank robbery that took place last year. I was at the teller’s window, trying to peer at the bills the cashier had handed me out of the corner of my eye so I could see them, make sure she had not short-changed me. They tried one time in ten when I wore the dark glasses; five times in ten when I brought the cane, but they didn’t know I could see with my peripheral vision.

“This is a ten, not a twenty,” I said to the teller.

This is a good opening. I have the picture of an older man wearing dark glasses and carrying a cane; walking around with half a smirk on his face because he knows something...

I want to know what he knows so I can smirk too

With the first paragraph I felt like this was probably thrid person POV, but the second paragraph screamed "NO! THIS IS FIRST PERSON!"

If the order of the paragraphs was switched, it would resolve that jolt by setting this up as first person.

I'd start with the 3rd paragraph, too. I didn't like the first paragraph because it confused me when I read the rest - the blind man as "he" to the blind man as "I". After I read it a few times I see what you're doing, but it didn't work for me.

Do bank tellers really try to rip off blind people? That's just mean.

The jolt previously referred to may be solved by saying: No one ever suspects the blind guys. They walk...

With the first two paragraphs, you don't need to stick anything more into the third paragraph.

I think your first sentence is a grabber all by itself, but so is the first sentence in the second paragraph.

A suggestion on helping minimize the shock:

Put the second paragraph first, but replace "me" at the end of the first sentence with the "blind guy" stuff from the first paragraph and have him describe himself.

quote:

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If you're reading this it's because I've died and still, no one suspects the blind guy. I walk around with my cane and dark glasses, looking uncertain of my location and slightly afraid of crossing the street, but behind the innocent facade lies a razor-sharp mind.

This is my confession.

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No question about it, it grabs. I love the first sentence, but refocusing the POV would make it even better.

I won't even speculate on where I think it's going, it's too ripe with possibilities (very well done on that account), and the narrator already has some fascinating complexity.

I'm very interested in seeing what you do with this.

The transition from third to first was a little jarring, but on second read, I thought you were going for inner dialog in the first few sentences, but deep penetration has not been established yet.

I'm glad I asked about the clarification. The thing is, I LOVE the first sentence. The first sentence *is* the story, in a nutshell, and I'm basically willing to let a few of you be jolted to keep it in. On the other hand, I was thinking of trying this with the second sentence to try to smooth it over and establish POV more quickly:

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No one suspects the blind guy. I walk around with my cane and dark glasses, occasionally uncertain of my location, slightly afraid of crossing the street, but behind this innocent facade lies strength and intellect.

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The thing is that this narrator is a tease. He thinks that he's smarter than us, which is part of his off-the-bat appeal. He's also got a grudge that we can understand and identify with immediately, but explained in terms that make us admire rather than pity him.

You know, we always say around here that when more than one person tells you something that indicates that you should take it seriously. It's one of the two times you should, in fact, either that or when it speaks to you. But every once in a while *everyone* says something that that so goes against the story you're trying to write that you even have to ignore that. I think this is one of those times. Now, if you were all yelling that you weren't going to read the story past my first sentence, that might be a different matter, but I'm more getting the impression that you've all got a general preference for it to start elsewhere and well, I'm just going to have faith that the right publisher for this story will read the second sentence, and the third, and find his hook there if need be.

Thanks for your comments, everyone. They are *always* appreciated, whether I end up taking your advice or not.

quote:

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You know, we always say around here that when more than one person tells you something that indicates that you should take it seriously.

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But taking it seriously doesn't mean that you should do what everyone says to do. All it means is that you should look at it more closely and figure out why everyone is advising you to do something different.

You may choose to do what they advise you to do, you may choose only one of the things that one of them advises you to do, you may choose to do something else entirely, or you may choose to ignore them anyway--but do the last because you have come to understand why they are advising you that way and why none of that will work in the story the way you want it to go.

I remember the first time I met OSC. He was being interviewed and one of the things he said was that you don't even have to do what an editor asks you to do when they send the manuscript back requesting rewrites. All you have to do is figure out what is it in the story that has caused the editor to ask for that particular change and fix whatever it is in the way that is best for the story. The fix may not be anywhere near what the editor asked you to change, but if it fixes the problem, the editor will be satisfied.

So you look at what everyone has a problem with and figure out why they have a problem with it, and go from there.

which should be relatively quick...

unless...

It just occurred to me to ask how this 'document' was written? Was it typed, handwritten, dictated, emailed, braille-typed?

There's just one thing I can't let go...

This doesn't sound like a blind person is writing this? You will please have to explain to me what a blind person sounds like when they write something so that I make sure to sound like that in all my future endevors. Since I AM blind, I figured I'd just write kinda normal, you know? But apparently I've been writing wrong all this time!

Sorry, I know I broke the golden rule...I just couldn't let it go...sometimes you just can't. I'll do my pennance somehow...If it helps, I choked back most of what I had to say.

People do notice blind people, but usually pretend not to notice them. There are various reasons for this, but in the context of trying to uncover a crime it is usually because it is assumed that a blind person couldn't plausibly be a suspect or an important witness (for much the same reason that some people are simply not going to believe a story where the blind person is anything other than totally crippled by not having normal vision). The document was probably typed, Christine can speak to that herself, I suppose. I don't see that it really matters. If there are readers that won't believe in a blind person being smart, competent, and even a little naughty, well, that's something to know, even if you're already too well aware of it.

The 'this doesn't sound like a blind person' thing stemmed from the belief that a disabled person would not buy into the idea that they were invisible.

My real point was that blind people do get noticed.
Overlooking a blind person, or any person with a disability, at a crime scene is not not an uncommon plot element. Think of Usual Suspects where it was critical.

However, I find it unlikely.

If you were investigating a crime or some series of crimes and a mysterious blind-guy kept turning-up; wouldn't you get suspicious? A blind person sticks out like a sore thumb when you are replaying a security video too.

I apologise for any offense I may have caused. My experience is with another sort of disability and maybe those experiences do not correllate.

Two things:

1. I find it ironic that the people most likely to buy into a steretype are the people at whome it is directed.

2. While it is probable that a blind person continually showing up at crime scenes would eventually stick out, I never said that's what happened. Many crimes take place without a public display and there aren't always scenes. (That's not what's happening here, either, actually, but it is one of the possibilities I hoped came to mind.) Also, this blind person is good at not looking blind as he has some use of his vision, which is one of the steretypes I hoped to challenge with this story. (I myself am *legally* rather than toally blind and in fact, most blind people are not totally blind, even if all they can see is vague colors without meaning...it ranges from blackness to something that is more like blurry vission that everyone assumes means I was too stupid to think about getting some glasses....or my favorite, after I say glasses don't help..."Oh, well how about contacts, then?" )

I didn’t take to your opening as posted at the top of this thread, and I didn’t comment because I didn’t know why I felt like this. I know you’ve probably rewritten this by now, so my comments might be a bit late to be useful, but I’m going to try anyways.

I’m looking at it from the perspective of the hook, as you described in the other thread. You listed sympathy, concern, weirdness, and conflict as “good” hooks. The discussion then turned to adding foreshadowing or a tease to the list.

quote:

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No one suspects the blind guy. He walks around with his cane and dark glasses, occasionally uncertain of his location, slightly afraid of crossing the street, but behind the innocent facade lies a razor-sharp mind.

If you’re reading this it’s because I’ve died and still, no one suspects me. This is my tale, my confession.

It started in the middle of a bank robbery that took place last year.

---

I think the second paragraph is a separate hook. It’s jarring because your narrator directly addresses the reader, and you’re calling attention to the story telling. I’m interested because it’s weird, and that’s one of your hook methods. You have a dead narrator, so you’ve automatically avoided one of the problems of first person narration, that we know right off the bat that the narrator survives to tell the tale. Again, I’m not thrilled with this as an opener for the jarring reason, but it’s sufficiently weird that I would read on.

My problem up to this point is that you’ve given me two hooks, and I think this may be a case where too much takes away from the effect. I didn’t see this until you posted your analysis of the hook in the first 13.

Your story starts with the first sentence of the third paragraph. That’s where I want to go right away. I’m tempted to say “give up your little darlings” and cut the first two paragraphs, but then I look at the first sentence of the third paragraph and realize that I would consider this a weak opening line. There’s too much narrator’s voice in it, too much telling, in my estimation.

So, how would I advise you to rewrite the first few lines? I have to go with a gut feeling, and gut feelings are tough to post when you’re not sure how to defend them. My personal preference, I’m realizing, is towards beginnings that introduce the narrator’s voice right away, and by that I mean the voice used in the body of the story, none of this direct address to the reader stuff, or the general statements approach you used in the first paragraph.

My preferred opening for this piece would consist of the first paragraph hook written with a sense of the narrator you settle into in the third paragraph. Easier said than done, right?

I read the opening paragraph, looked up at who posted, and said to myself, "Yep, it was written by Christine."

Trust me, that's a good thing.